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rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place. : rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.

rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full...

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dynastylnoire: writernotwaiting: hellenhighwater: astolen98saturnsedan: luadell: thisnewdevilry: sputnikcentury: teapotsahoy: lovedsomuch: warsfeils: anubituf: harukami: last-snowfall: weareallmedie: firedanceryote: reptila-tequila: qeilla: thefreckledavantgardegoober: mysticmisfit89: Meanwhile, in prehistoric Canada….. No no, you don’t understand, moose really do get that big. Take it from a Canadian. I’ve seen that bullshit in person. Scary as all heck. And that’s how people can die if they hit a moose. Seriously, one of our fears when driving in the country is having to deal with this scenario of a moose jumping out in front of the car. moose are actual legit ice age megafauna; theyve been here since the ice age, they are old as fuck. they also are pretty terrifying and ive echoed this before but i went to wiki and “In terms of raw numbers, they attack more people than bears and wolves combined” and “ In the Americas, moose injure more people than any other wild mammal and, worldwide, only hippopotamuses injure more.” like, fuck off with that I was dog sitting a dog once who insisted she had to go out in the middle of the night it was an emergency, so I took her out. Suddenly she starts pointing and barking and I look up and can just make out the outline of a HUGE moose. I’ve been accidentally face to face with a black bear and that scared me less than being up close with a moose. I’m 5 foot so imagine staring up at an animal several feet taller than you that is debating charging the dog who’s leash you are holding. I was terrified as I grabbed the dog by her collar to get better control over her and backed up slowly til I was out of line of sight and bolted for the house at a dead run. Did you know most Canadian lake monster stories come from people seeing moose swimming? They are massive animals. They are massive and they charge. I get so scared when tourists are all “oh yeah, we got out of the car to get a closer look and, ya’ll have some mighty impressive animals around here.”Yes, yes we do, and they have mighty tired guardian angels because moose can, and do, charge at people. Someone my mom worked with died hitting a moose on the highway. Their eyes don’t reflect light. In the dark they are literally nothing but a big slightly darker shape in the night. Roughly every year in the town I grew up in, a cow (moose) and her calf will wander through downtown. Maybe once or twice. If she’s aggressive enough, the local Mounties will escort her through to keep idiots away. I’ve definitely talked with people who thought moose were deer-sized or maybe horse-sized and I was like NO YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND MOOSE ARE TERRIFYING Moose are terrifying, you guys. I finally live on a province where moose and deer exist. I do not drive at night in fear of meeting one. If you hit a moose going 90 on a highway, not only is your car trashed, you are probably trashed. I’ve seen cars that got wrecked and there seems to be a consensus that at least half the time, the giant fucking beastie just shakes itself off and continues gallumphing along the countryside. If you fucking hit a moose with your car and their legs go through your windshield, congratulations, you are dead. Massive hooves kicking you to death? Yeah.  Moose are fucking terrifying. Bull moose won’t fuck with you too much unless you fuck with them, but the time a bull moose casually swaggered his way past 7 year old me when I was sledding literally put me off winter sports for a solid month.  Momma moose and their babies, though? I legitimately had to call in to work to be like “ey yo there is a moose in my driveway and I can’t get out” AND MY MANAGERS UNDERSTOOD. Moose. MOOSE. I have to admit I thought they were like a Canadian deer before this. The commenter above who claims that moose’s eyes don’t reflect light is only partially correct; if you shine a flashlight in a moose’s eyes it will glow like a cat (and then you will probably get killed to death by an annoyed moose) but the reason they are so dangerous to cars at nights is that they are too tall for the headlights to reach. Think about that. Moose confirmed for actual kaiju. Kaiju category: Maple.   Now I kinda want a kaiju movie set in Canada where it’s just a moose. Like a regular moose but more aggressive. @ssalogel For scale, a female african elephant is 7.2-8.5 feet at the shoulder, according to Wikipedia. A moose is  4.6 – 6.9 ft. at the shoulder. So instead of thinking “This animal is a bit bigger than a deer” you can think “This animal is barely smaller than an elephant” And they can run up to 40 miles per hour A 16 wheeler with fur : dynastylnoire: writernotwaiting: hellenhighwater: astolen98saturnsedan: luadell: thisnewdevilry: sputnikcentury: teapotsahoy: lovedsomuch: warsfeils: anubituf: harukami: last-snowfall: weareallmedie: firedanceryote: reptila-tequila: qeilla: thefreckledavantgardegoober: mysticmisfit89: Meanwhile, in prehistoric Canada….. No no, you don’t understand, moose really do get that big. Take it from a Canadian. I’ve seen that bullshit in person. Scary as all heck. And that’s how people can die if they hit a moose. Seriously, one of our fears when driving in the country is having to deal with this scenario of a moose jumping out in front of the car. moose are actual legit ice age megafauna; theyve been here since the ice age, they are old as fuck. they also are pretty terrifying and ive echoed this before but i went to wiki and “In terms of raw numbers, they attack more people than bears and wolves combined” and “ In the Americas, moose injure more people than any other wild mammal and, worldwide, only hippopotamuses injure more.” like, fuck off with that I was dog sitting a dog once who insisted she had to go out in the middle of the night it was an emergency, so I took her out. Suddenly she starts pointing and barking and I look up and can just make out the outline of a HUGE moose. I’ve been accidentally face to face with a black bear and that scared me less than being up close with a moose. I’m 5 foot so imagine staring up at an animal several feet taller than you that is debating charging the dog who’s leash you are holding. I was terrified as I grabbed the dog by her collar to get better control over her and backed up slowly til I was out of line of sight and bolted for the house at a dead run. Did you know most Canadian lake monster stories come from people seeing moose swimming? They are massive animals. They are massive and they charge. I get so scared when tourists are all “oh yeah, we got out of the car to get a closer look and, ya’ll have some mighty impressive animals around here.”Yes, yes we do, and they have mighty tired guardian angels because moose can, and do, charge at people. Someone my mom worked with died hitting a moose on the highway. Their eyes don’t reflect light. In the dark they are literally nothing but a big slightly darker shape in the night. Roughly every year in the town I grew up in, a cow (moose) and her calf will wander through downtown. Maybe once or twice. If she’s aggressive enough, the local Mounties will escort her through to keep idiots away. I’ve definitely talked with people who thought moose were deer-sized or maybe horse-sized and I was like NO YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND MOOSE ARE TERRIFYING Moose are terrifying, you guys. I finally live on a province where moose and deer exist. I do not drive at night in fear of meeting one. If you hit a moose going 90 on a highway, not only is your car trashed, you are probably trashed. I’ve seen cars that got wrecked and there seems to be a consensus that at least half the time, the giant fucking beastie just shakes itself off and continues gallumphing along the countryside. If you fucking hit a moose with your car and their legs go through your windshield, congratulations, you are dead. Massive hooves kicking you to death? Yeah.  Moose are fucking terrifying. Bull moose won’t fuck with you too much unless you fuck with them, but the time a bull moose casually swaggered his way past 7 year old me when I was sledding literally put me off winter sports for a solid month.  Momma moose and their babies, though? I legitimately had to call in to work to be like “ey yo there is a moose in my driveway and I can’t get out” AND MY MANAGERS UNDERSTOOD. Moose. MOOSE. I have to admit I thought they were like a Canadian deer before this. The commenter above who claims that moose’s eyes don’t reflect light is only partially correct; if you shine a flashlight in a moose’s eyes it will glow like a cat (and then you will probably get killed to death by an annoyed moose) but the reason they are so dangerous to cars at nights is that they are too tall for the headlights to reach. Think about that. Moose confirmed for actual kaiju. Kaiju category: Maple.   Now I kinda want a kaiju movie set in Canada where it’s just a moose. Like a regular moose but more aggressive. @ssalogel For scale, a female african elephant is 7.2-8.5 feet at the shoulder, according to Wikipedia. A moose is  4.6 – 6.9 ft. at the shoulder. So instead of thinking “This animal is a bit bigger than a deer” you can think “This animal is barely smaller than an elephant” And they can run up to 40 miles per hour A 16 wheeler with fur
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nestofstraightlines: jabberwockypie: kyraneko: darkmagyk: seananmcguire: nokeek: Dorothy just wanted something that she could believe in,A gray dustbowl girl in a life she was better off leavin’.She made her escape, went from gray into green,And she could have got clear, and she could have got clean,But she chose to be good and go back to the gray Kansas skyWhere color’s a fable and freedom’s a fairy tale lie. Alice got lost, and I guess that we really can’t blame her;They say she got tangled and tied in the lies that became her.They say she went mad, and she never complained,For there’s peace of a kind in a life unconstrained.She gives Cheshire kisses, she’s easy with white rabbit smiles,And she’ll never be free, but she’s won herself safe for a while. Susan and Lucy were queens, and they ruled well and proudly.They honored their land and their lord, rang the bells long and loudly.They never once asked to return to their livesTo be children and chattel and mothers and wives,But the land cast them out in a lesson that only one learned;And one queen said ‘I am not a toy’, and she never returned. Mandy’s a pirate, and Mia weaves silk shrouds for faeries,And Deborah will pour you red wine pressed from sweet poisoned berries.Kate poses riddles and Mary plays tricks,While Kaia builds towers from brambles and sticks,And the rules that we live by are simple and clear:Be wicked and lovely and don’t live in fear        Dorothy, Alice and Wendy and Jane,        Susan and Lucy, we’re calling your names,        All the Lost Girls who came out of the rain        And chose to go back on the shelf.        Tinker Bell says, and I find I agree        You have to break rules if you want to break free.        So do as you like  — we’re determined to be        Wicked girls saving ourselves. For we will be wicked and we will be fairAnd they’ll call us such names, and we really won’t care,So go, tell your Wendys, your Susans, your Janes,There’s a place they can go if they’re tired of chains,And our roads may be golden, or broken, or lost,But we’ll walk on them willingly, knowing the cost  — We won’t take our place on the shelves.It’s better to fly and it’s better to dieSay the wicked girls saving ourselves. (Seanan McGuire) This is breathtaking. I heard this poem once a million years ago, I have been looking for it ever since, and had now found it.  I love it so much more then I remember.  You might be interested to know that she set it to music and it’s also a song. @darkmagyk And people have made fanvids set to it! (The CD is out of print right now - I have it and I love it so much, but I she’s re-printing a different one … soonish?) Mmmmm I get it but I’m not sure about the implication that real life is an inherent punishment for girls, and I find this kind of feminist take a little reactionary and keen to flatten out female characters and their stories into simple terms to make a kind of Yass Queen point. Anyway here’s a video I love examining the differences in feminist-related theming between the book and movie of The Wizard of Oz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz15yFVF1TI And here’s a Hark! A Vagrant comic that is very much that’s-it-that’s the-book re. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland: : TA 轉p ETER PAN PIPPILONGSTOKING+LINDGE ATHE WIZARD ERANK Jot OZ OSAUM the Lion ie i theterdenne C.S. LEWIS HOKEEK.TUMBLR.COM Potter LERBY HED HARRY PLEF nestofstraightlines: jabberwockypie: kyraneko: darkmagyk: seananmcguire: nokeek: Dorothy just wanted something that she could believe in,A gray dustbowl girl in a life she was better off leavin’.She made her escape, went from gray into green,And she could have got clear, and she could have got clean,But she chose to be good and go back to the gray Kansas skyWhere color’s a fable and freedom’s a fairy tale lie. Alice got lost, and I guess that we really can’t blame her;They say she got tangled and tied in the lies that became her.They say she went mad, and she never complained,For there’s peace of a kind in a life unconstrained.She gives Cheshire kisses, she’s easy with white rabbit smiles,And she’ll never be free, but she’s won herself safe for a while. Susan and Lucy were queens, and they ruled well and proudly.They honored their land and their lord, rang the bells long and loudly.They never once asked to return to their livesTo be children and chattel and mothers and wives,But the land cast them out in a lesson that only one learned;And one queen said ‘I am not a toy’, and she never returned. Mandy’s a pirate, and Mia weaves silk shrouds for faeries,And Deborah will pour you red wine pressed from sweet poisoned berries.Kate poses riddles and Mary plays tricks,While Kaia builds towers from brambles and sticks,And the rules that we live by are simple and clear:Be wicked and lovely and don’t live in fear        Dorothy, Alice and Wendy and Jane,        Susan and Lucy, we’re calling your names,        All the Lost Girls who came out of the rain        And chose to go back on the shelf.        Tinker Bell says, and I find I agree        You have to break rules if you want to break free.        So do as you like  — we’re determined to be        Wicked girls saving ourselves. For we will be wicked and we will be fairAnd they’ll call us such names, and we really won’t care,So go, tell your Wendys, your Susans, your Janes,There’s a place they can go if they’re tired of chains,And our roads may be golden, or broken, or lost,But we’ll walk on them willingly, knowing the cost  — We won’t take our place on the shelves.It’s better to fly and it’s better to dieSay the wicked girls saving ourselves. (Seanan McGuire) This is breathtaking. I heard this poem once a million years ago, I have been looking for it ever since, and had now found it.  I love it so much more then I remember.  You might be interested to know that she set it to music and it’s also a song. @darkmagyk And people have made fanvids set to it! (The CD is out of print right now - I have it and I love it so much, but I she’s re-printing a different one … soonish?) Mmmmm I get it but I’m not sure about the implication that real life is an inherent punishment for girls, and I find this kind of feminist take a little reactionary and keen to flatten out female characters and their stories into simple terms to make a kind of Yass Queen point. Anyway here’s a video I love examining the differences in feminist-related theming between the book and movie of The Wizard of Oz https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hz15yFVF1TI And here’s a Hark! A Vagrant comic that is very much that’s-it-that’s the-book re. Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland:

nestofstraightlines: jabberwockypie: kyraneko: darkmagyk: seananmcguire: nokeek: Dorothy just wanted something that she could belie...

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phan-is-sempiternal: mousathe14: gehayi: profeminist: Tampons are a “luxury item” Once I worked as an intern in the state capital. One of the representatives I worked for was this middle-aged guy. And he hated the tampon and napkin machines in the women’s bathrooms. Hated them. He insisted that they weren’t necessary. I found out why after I’d been working there, oh, about a month. My period started suddenly, as it sometimes does, and I asked to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. He wanted to know why. I told him. He started ranting about how lazy women were. How we wasted time. How we were so careless and unhygenic, and that there was no call for that. He finished by telling me that I certainly was NOT going to the ladies’ room and that I was just going to sit there and work. He finished this off with a decisive nod, as if I’d just been told and there could be no possible argument. “If I don’t go,” I said in an overly patient tone, “the blood is going to soak through my pants, stain my new skirt that I just bought, and possibly get on this chair I’m sitting in. I need something to soak up the blood. That’s why I need to go to the bathroom.” His face turned oatmeal-gray; an expression of pure horror spread across his face. He leaned forward and whispered, “Wait, you mean that if you don’t go, you’ll just keep on bleeding? I thought that women could turn it off any time that they wanted!” I thought,  You have got to be kidding. Several horrified whispers later, I learned that he wasn’t. He actually thought a) that women could shut down the menstrual cycle at will, b) that we essentially picked a week per month to spend more time in the bathroom, i.e. to goof off, and c) that napkins and tampons were sex toys paid for by Health and Human Services. I didn’t know the term then, but he believed that tampons were dildos. Which was why he and a good number of his friends considered them luxuries. And that’s how, at twenty, I had to give a talk on menstruation to a middle-aged married state representative who was one of my bosses. American politics, ladies and gentlemen. That’s.., that’s insane. what the fuck did i just read : LUXURY TAX ALK PARK PLACE PAY $75.00 phan-is-sempiternal: mousathe14: gehayi: profeminist: Tampons are a “luxury item” Once I worked as an intern in the state capital. One of the representatives I worked for was this middle-aged guy. And he hated the tampon and napkin machines in the women’s bathrooms. Hated them. He insisted that they weren’t necessary. I found out why after I’d been working there, oh, about a month. My period started suddenly, as it sometimes does, and I asked to excuse myself to go to the ladies’ room. He wanted to know why. I told him. He started ranting about how lazy women were. How we wasted time. How we were so careless and unhygenic, and that there was no call for that. He finished by telling me that I certainly was NOT going to the ladies’ room and that I was just going to sit there and work. He finished this off with a decisive nod, as if I’d just been told and there could be no possible argument. “If I don’t go,” I said in an overly patient tone, “the blood is going to soak through my pants, stain my new skirt that I just bought, and possibly get on this chair I’m sitting in. I need something to soak up the blood. That’s why I need to go to the bathroom.” His face turned oatmeal-gray; an expression of pure horror spread across his face. He leaned forward and whispered, “Wait, you mean that if you don’t go, you’ll just keep on bleeding? I thought that women could turn it off any time that they wanted!” I thought,  You have got to be kidding. Several horrified whispers later, I learned that he wasn’t. He actually thought a) that women could shut down the menstrual cycle at will, b) that we essentially picked a week per month to spend more time in the bathroom, i.e. to goof off, and c) that napkins and tampons were sex toys paid for by Health and Human Services. I didn’t know the term then, but he believed that tampons were dildos. Which was why he and a good number of his friends considered them luxuries. And that’s how, at twenty, I had to give a talk on menstruation to a middle-aged married state representative who was one of my bosses. American politics, ladies and gentlemen. That’s.., that’s insane. what the fuck did i just read
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