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Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
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Click, Fucking, and Funny: 23+ Incredible Tumblr Posts That Are Must Watch the-man-who-sold-za-warudo Knight: I have trained in all forms of combat and weapons since birth. I cannot be bested Some horsecock motherfucker: Knight: What the fuck cerastes OH FUCK YESI GET TO TALK ABOUT LANTERN SHIELDS. For anyone seeing this post and wondering what kind of unholy heresy is currently having a blacksmithing orgy in front of their eyes, this is called a Lantern Shield. This came from, YOU GUESSED IT, fucking Italy, home of lunatic steel-weaving mother fuckers who often simply looked at each other and by each other, I mean their frenzied reflections in their shattered mirrors, and said "WHAT IF WE JUST DO THINGS", which is, as we all know, Aunt Jemima's recipe for success. Lantern Shields were very indicative: They were meant to be bucklers that could carry a lantern, oftentimes for night time duels Now, you're wondering, why carry a lantern on a night duel when it could just prove detrimental to your overall movement? Why, to blind the mother fucker, of coursel But, see, and this is the funny thing about Italy, when Italian blacksmiths realized that they could just add hook to a buckler, they noticed they could also just add whatever the thrice condemned shit they wanted to them, so they started forging stakes, spikes, and blades that protruded out of the buckler and gauntlet as additional defense against anyone who, due to the poor visibility of mist shrouded, dark blanketed nights, would just walk right into your handheld barracks. mean, nothing better than a bloke closing the distance to you losing an eye or six because they didn't consider you might just carry a porcupine on your arm, right? Some specimens exists, but these are not numerous. If you know of or possess an actual, physical Lantern Shield, congratulations, you probably have an item that likely killed. Source: the-man-who-sold-za-warudo Jan 26th, 2019 3,068 notes Sarcasm Goal Click to see full list 23+ Incredible Tumblr Posts That Are Must Watch #funny #memes #lol #humor #hilarious #tumblr
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Bad, Beautiful, and Cats: oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 3:24 PM Dad I've got some bad news. Kitty has been missing since last night. When your mom drove the neighborhood just now, she found her in the street near the house. Your mom is pretty emotional so please reach out when you can and offer your support Oh no. So sorry to hear this Sister Man. Just got off the phone with her-she's definitely very broken up about it. Give her our love in person when you get home, dad. And be sure to get the woman her groceries. Love you guys! Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 5:38 PM Dad Well your not going to believe this. After a beautiful burial service and words of remembrance from yours truly. We walked back in the house to begin our post-Kitty life. Out of habit I looked out the back window and guess who was staring back at me? You guessed it. We buried someone else's cat. I gues:s it's true-cats do have nine lives. Thanks for y words. All is better now. our kind Sister is this forreal?! Dad Would you like a photo? Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM ィ。 78% Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Would you like a photo? Sister YES What the actual fuck Sister Text Message Send oo Verizon 12:35 PM 8 73% Messages Mom Details Today 12:34 PM Oh, and BTW, I dug up the carcass and took it to our vet and it didn't have a chip in it. Because it's a rabbit. DO NOT tell the world about this. Message A S D F G H J K L 123 space return roaringstream: thecommonchick: THIS IS TOO MUCH 💀😂 “Do NOT tell the world about this”200,000 notes
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Bad, Beautiful, and Cats: oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 3:24 PM Dad I've got some bad news. Kitty has been missing since last night. When your mom drove the neighborhood just now, she found her in the street near the house. Your mom is pretty emotional so please reach out when you can and offer your support Oh no. So sorry to hear this Sister Man. Just got off the phone with her-she's definitely very broken up about it. Give her our love in person when you get home, dad. And be sure to get the woman her groceries. Love you guys! Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 5:38 PM Dad Well your not going to believe this. After a beautiful burial service and words of remembrance from yours truly. We walked back in the house to begin our post-Kitty life. Out of habit I looked out the back window and guess who was staring back at me? You guessed it. We buried someone else's cat. I gues:s it's true-cats do have nine lives. Thanks for y words. All is better now. our kind Sister is this forreal?! Dad Would you like a photo? Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM ィ。 78% Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Would you like a photo? Sister YES What the actual fuck Sister Text Message Send oo Verizon 12:35 PM 8 73% Messages Mom Details Today 12:34 PM Oh, and BTW, I dug up the carcass and took it to our vet and it didn't have a chip in it. Because it's a rabbit. DO NOT tell the world about this. Message A S D F G H J K L 123 space return roaringstream: thecommonchick: THIS IS TOO MUCH 💀😂 “Do NOT tell the world about this”200,000 notes
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Bad, Beautiful, and Cats: oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 3:24 PM Dad I've got some bad news. Kitty has been missing since last night. When your mom drove the neighborhood just now, she found her in the street near the house. Your mom is pretty emotional so please reach out when you can and offer your support Oh no. So sorry to hear this Sister Man. Just got off the phone with her-she's definitely very broken up about it. Give her our love in person when you get home, dad. And be sure to get the woman her groceries. Love you guys! Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Yesterday 5:38 PM Dad Well your not going to believe this. After a beautiful burial service and words of remembrance from yours truly. We walked back in the house to begin our post-Kitty life. Out of habit I looked out the back window and guess who was staring back at me? You guessed it. We buried someone else's cat. I gues:s it's true-cats do have nine lives. Thanks for y words. All is better now. our kind Sister is this forreal?! Dad Would you like a photo? Text Message Send oo Verizon 9:06 AM ィ。 78% Messages Group MMS Details To: Sister, Dad Would you like a photo? Sister YES What the actual fuck Sister Text Message Send oo Verizon 12:35 PM 8 73% Messages Mom Details Today 12:34 PM Oh, and BTW, I dug up the carcass and took it to our vet and it didn't have a chip in it. Because it's a rabbit. DO NOT tell the world about this. Message A S D F G H J K L 123 space return goatyellsateverything: roaringstream: thecommonchick: THIS IS TOO MUCH 💀😂 “Do NOT tell the world about this”200,000 notes It didnt have a chip BECAUSE ITS A RABBIT! *DYING* Man how broken up do you gotta be to mistake a rabbit body for a cat? 😂😂😂
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Beautiful, Best Friend, and Bitch: screwdisimgoinhome: that-one-demonic-gay: that-one-demonic-gay: shootingstar912: orihime-maychan: oanimexliveo: halduron-brightwang: astrocmets: vertigo-potato: for-my-sea-of-lillies: acrylic–alien: hazycosmicjive77: bi-mabel-pines: waffelsareevil: daddy-and-his-princess-13: smalllilkitten: gingerbooknerdhufflepuff: flower-whisper: One of a Kind Life Like Enchanting Lunar Moon Light Lamp! Soft Light to give off the Moonlight Vibe for the surrounding area! Make someone’s Day with with one these Unique Lunar Moon Lamp! Currently on Sale and if you use the Code: MOON you get an additional Discount! = GET IT HERE = I WANT THIS I wish I could have it :( i’m fucking crying i NEED MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP MOON LAMP I NEEEEED this! Adding to my endless Christmas list! I have one and they are dope!!! I got one of these over the break and it’s great! Sis gave me this for Christmas, it’s even more amazing than I thought cuz when you charge it it’s red like a blood moon, when you unplug it just touch a small silver circle, the only part non identical to the moon’s features, and it lights up, you can make it bright white or yellowish with a tap of the finger, hold the tip of your finger on the same spot to make it brighter or darker. And the details must be 3d printed cause when it lights up its a perfect replica of the moon, even the far side, not like the cheap lumpy knock offs at toy stores, this is a real detailed thoughtful peice of art.Best part, I get to carry the moon around with me to light my path at night, fall asleep reading by moonlight, and guess what…I actually have the moon that people have been fantasizing for centuries about capturing, lassoing, and bringing down to earth as a show of their love.I finally have the moon! My mom fucking got me this for christmas. I am shook my best friend got me this when she visited me irl for the first time and its the best thing ever! i have one of these and absolutely love it everything above is true, but the battery also lasts an incredibly long time! i havent charged mine in at least two weeks and despite leaving it on all night the past few nights the battery isnt dead yet. I want to sit on bed with all the lights off and hold the moon lamp, and basically think about life for a moment bc When I think about this,,, its like, make me free from Anxiety. So this would be beautiful I NEED THIS RN T_T Who else wants twenty of this babies? I ordered this bitch and I can’t fucking wait1! YES! THIS BITCH ARRIVED TODAY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH! It also glows red slightly when it charges. Best 40 bucks I’ve even spent! I’ve got one its literally my favorite light it’s the absolute best
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