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El Chapo, Joaquín Guzmán, and Memes: ELCHAPO MISTRESS FLIPS ON HIM IN COURT, EXPOSES SECRETS OF HIS NAKED ESCAPE THROUGH MEXICAN SEWER AS WIFE LISTENS @Fap El Chapo’s mistress testified against him in court and spoke about the time El Chapo escaped from the authorities using an underground sewer tunnel.⁣⁣ -⁣⁣ The mistress stated that she was in bed with Chapo at 3AM on Feb. 16, 2014, when she was suddenly woken up by loud noises,⁣⁣ -⁣⁣ “I heard, like, a lot of thumps and helicopters. I heard yelling,” she recalled. Which was a U.S team and Mexican forces trying to break in the house.⁣⁣ -⁣⁣ “They’re on us! They’re on us!” Chapo’s associate Carlos Manuel (Condor) Hoo Ramirez yelled as Chapo, whose real name is Joaquín Guzmán Loera, started running around in a panic, Sánchez said.⁣⁣ - -⁣ ⁣ She also stated that Chapo was completely naked through all of this,⁣ ⁣ “There was like a lid on the bathtub that came up,” Sánchez testified. “I was like, ‘Do I have to go in there?…The entire tub was hollow underneath…It had a kind of a hydraulic (lift) — they call it a piston.”⁣ ⁣ “The first thing I saw was wooden steps,” she said. “I heard (Chapo) say to Condor, ‘Close up the tub.’”⁣ -⁣ Sánchez said “complete darkness” swallowed them once the hatch was closed.⁣ ⁣ “For me, it was horrible because I had never been in a place like that. It was a humid place with mud,” she told the jury.⁣ -⁣ RapTVSTAFF: @thatkidcm

El Chapo’s mistress testified against him in court and spoke about the time El Chapo escaped from the authorities using an underground sewer...

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Animals, Beautiful, and Crying: AN AVERAGE SATURDAY MORNING: WITH KIDS VS. WITHOUT KID WITH KIDS TIME WITHOUT KIDS Time to get up! Someone peed 6:00 You won't be getting up for 5 through his diaper and now your bed is covered in urine more You change a diaper and try to get the kid to sleep a little longer but now the he's yelling zoo animals and doing flips on the 6:30 You made some breakfast for your child, but today he decided he hates eggs. He's saying he wants "scrims" but you don't know what that means. He won't explain and just keeps yelling "scrims" louder and louder 7:00 Your pillow got a little warm so you turn it over and go back to You've now watched the same episode of Spongebob four times. One time you tried to change it over to the news and your kid shoved a spoon in the Tranquil visions dance in your 8:00 O0 head as the sweet embrace of slumber engulfs your resting body You attempt to take a shower but your kid keeps throwing can openers into the tub. You weren't aware that you hacd multiple can openers An angel comes down and gently kisses your forehead. Sleep well, sweet prince 8:30 You walk upstairs to your room, but didn't realize your kid was using the stairs as a stunt zone for Hot Wheels and you slip on one and nearly die as you tumble back down to the A hummingbird perches itself outside your window and sings a sweet lullaby. He blows you a kiss and soars away 9:00 You try to finally go to the bathroom, but forgot to lock the door so now your kid is crying because you won't let him dump sand in your lap. He dumps it on the dog instead. The sand was actually used cat litter You wake briefly to adjust your sleep number. (You bought an adjustable bed with all the disposable income you have from not having a kid.) 9:30 You hear laughter, which is almost more terrifying than crying. You walk in the living room to see your kid making 10:00 S Still sleeping soundly, like a puppy in front of a crackling snow angels in glue. There's no way you're getting your deposit back with a giant glue angel in the middle of the carpet Your kid doses off and you try to catch up on your favorite show You stir a little and check your texts. Your friend wants to go to brunch later. That sounds nice 30 more minutes of sleep and you'll get ready for that. Maybe go to mall later or ride go-karts Unfortunately, six minutes into it 10:30 there's a dramatic moment where the music builds and your kid is now wide-awake. (Screw You get everyone loaded into the car to go to the zoo, even though it's 90 degrees and so humid taxidermy is coming back to life. Your kid yells a racial slur he heard in a movie. Out of all the words he's heard, that's the only one that stuck. You wake up feeling refreshed and beautiful. You know what? It's Saturday. Let's just lie in the bed a while and watch a movie 11:00 srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

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Alive, Bruh, and Cars: robotmango it's ninety-nine degrees outside, four fuck-thousand percent humidity, and my husband was like, "i'm gonna go for a bike ride." and i was like "why. no. why don't put us on the news like that. local fool collapses on unnecessary journey don't do it." so he says he doesn't want to "hide in the house" because the sun is shining. bruh. honeybruh. "the sun is shining" does not cover it. its hot outside. its motherfucking hot as fuck outside. our outdoor plants have been crying into their hands all week. whole cars are melting into the sewer. our fucking patio umbrella developed sentience to ask me for lemonade this mornin awed-frog @robotmango, you need to work for the weather forecast this was both hilarious and so vivid it made me stand up and get some iced tea robotmango this is a great idea, thank you. here goes. my audition tape for the weather channel. dearly beloved. we are gathered here today to have a fucking funeral for the outdoors. it had a good run, with all its creeks and clouds and shit pretty great. now it's ten-thirty at night but still ninety-two asshole-sweating degrees and humid as fuck. everything is hot and slimy, like being a "borrower" that got trapped inside a bottle of shampoo and then accidentally microwaved you can see on my doppler radar that nothing is moving around out there because everything is probably dead. the only alive thing is the mosquito currently trying to drill a hole in my leg. no surprise that all the shitbag mosquitos are fine, since the thermostat of hell is always at the devil's preferred temperature. this forecast has gotten away from me a little, but in conclusion fuck the sun scarylullabies I think I've reblogged this before, but "the thermostat of hell is always at the devil's preferred temperature" is fucking poetry heywetotheotherworld but in conclusion, fuck the sun Why isnt OP on the Weather Channel yet?
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A Dream, Ariana Grande, and Cute: After sex selfies are always so damn cute The Summer of 1801 was hot and humid. All the slaves were slaving away in the fields, as the white man watched. Us slaves were planning our escape, and today was the day. I wipe my forehead of sweat and yell back towards the plantation. "Massa! You gon wanna come see dis." The man spits out his tobbaco and grabs his rifle. I get nervous as he walks towards me. "Whats the problem boy?" I point to the cotton. "Id say theres an insect of the sorts eating tha cotton roots massa." He lays his rifle down and bends over to inspect the plant. I quickly grab the gun and beat him repeatedly over head until hes more lifeless than a Ariana Grande concert. I nod to the other slaves and we charge back to the plantation house. Rodney, who got 10 lashings for fucking a cow, kicks down the door with his powerful legs. We storm into the house and all of the house wives scream. We silence them and head downstairs to the basement. We find more rifles and distribute one to all the other slaves. We had to hurry before Massa 2 came back from the market. When we get back up stairs we hear barking. The dogs. One time my friend Jim had his penis ripped off by one when he tried to escape. But I aint afraid to hurt a dog word to Vick. The slaves decide to split up and I run out on my own. I make the decision to run towards the creek. I hear barking behind me and its getting closer. The river is yards infront of me. I turn my head and see a Massa with a dog. Massa points his rifle at me and shoots. I duck and dive into the river. I stay submerged until the current pushed me far enough away. Its over. (LMAO SIKE YOU THOUGHT THESE STORIES NEVER HAVE GOOD ENDINGS) I wake up in my tent, sweat dripping from my forehead. It was just a dream.
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Fire, Funny, and Guns: BE POLICE Instruction Manual Stun Activation Button ON/OFF Switch Safety Switch (Not shown Contact Probes Charging Port Not shown Saferty Cap LED Flah light Recharging The rechargeable batteries are already installed. The unit can'tbe opened, as it will void the warranty 2. We recommend charging the stun gun before it is used. Simply plug the charging cord into the bottom of the unit and into a standard outlet. The red light will come on while charging. IMPORTANT: do not charge for more than 8 hours at a time. Overcharging can damage the unit and void lie wamanty. Under normal use the unit will need to be recharged for 8 hours every 60 days. lf the LED light is used frequently or if the lectrical cument becomes noticeably weaker, the unit will need to be recharged Using the Flashlight a situation where you night need to quickly Note: The flashlight will work with the Stun ONIOFF Switchin either the ON or OFF position. If you activate t stun gun (at home during the power outage) we recommend you use to ON position. you don't anticipate needing the stun gun at home during a power outage) we recommend the OFF position t will come on. The unit nd the LED flashlight ddle positi fety switch to th With the ON/OFF Switch in the ON or OFF position, slide th wil not fire with the LED flashlight ON Testing the Stun Gun: We recommend test fring the stun gun and becoming familiar with its operation before you need (WARNING: Do not test fire he stun gun for more than 1 second as this will damage the unit and void to warranty Remove the plastic safety cap from the flashlight. see it to defend yourself. The ONOFF Switch (located on the bottom of to unit must be in the ON position to test fire the unit. hold down the button for more than Move the safety switch in the top position, push the Stun Activation Button to test hre the unit. Do not on to second. You will see and hear a charge fire across the top of the unit between the test probes. lmportant: side the ON/oFF switch bottom of to unit to the OFF position when you have finished test firing Using the Stun Gun In Self Defense Remove the Safety Cap from the Flashlight Safety Switchinthe 2. Switchin ON positon and the p position, touch your assailant's body wit the contact probes 3. and press the Stun Activation Button will have an effect. the unit is test Touching anwhere on to assailants body as you do when touching the assailants not see or hear the electrical fired. You can hold the Stun Activation Button down more than 1 second, as this will not damage the unit, as it will when being test fired touches you while being dono o the charge being transfemed to you. Even the assailant stunned, you will not feel the effect of the charge Effects of the Unit on an Assailant have a repelling effect. 2. Touching an to less tan 1 second will cause minor muscle contractions and state effects to the an assailant for 1 to 2 seconds will cause muscle spasms and a dazed mental disorientation. 3. Touching an assailant for 3 to 5 seconds will cause loss balance a muscle contr mental confusion, and seconds) assailant are temporary, the stun gun can cause no of should not be used f permanent harm. (NOTE: The device WARRANTY abuse, li The warranty does not cover damage resulting from accident, misuse at not in accordance with the induded instructions. The warranty will be provided withthe oss of parts, or recharging the unit in any manner dealer) or if any unauthorized replacement parts have been been opened or tampered with in any way (unless by an authorized used. NOTICE: Purchaser must check and abide by all local Laws governing the possession and use of stun guns. In addition, the stun gun must only used in a lawful manner for self-defense. NOTE: Not to be with disease, or any vital part ot the human body. Not to used on stored or used in environments where it is damp or humid or where there are extreme hot or cold temperatures. Do not use on metal objects onditions of sale: Purchase of this product is an agreement by the purchaserluser to hold all sellers and manufacturers harmless of an iabities obtain Service: Contact the Authorized Dealer from whom you purchased this unit for a Return Merchandise Authorization. The return una tpostage prepaid and Damage or oss occurring during shipment is not covered by this warranty purchase is required. LED Flah Recharging 1. The rechargeable batteries are already installed. T 2. We recommend charging the stun gun before it is The red light will come on while charging. IMPORT void lie warranty. Under normal use the unit wil ne electrical cument becomes noticeably weaker, the Using the Flashlight Note: The flashlight will work with the Stun ON/OFF Switch ir activate to stun gun (at home during the power outage) we re during a power outage) we recommend the OFF position 1. With the ON/OFF Switch in the ON or OFF position will not fire with the LED flashlight ON. Testing the stun Gun: We recommend test firing the stun g (WARNING: Do not test fire he stun un for more than 1 sec 1. Remove the plastic safety cap from the flashlight. 2. The ONOFF Switch (located on the bottom of to u 3. Move the safety switch in the top position, pu th second. You will see and hear a charge fire acros bottom of to unit to the OFF position when you ha Using the Stun Gun In Self Defense 1. Remove the Safety Cap from the Flashlight. 2. With the stun ONIOFF Switch in the ON position a and press the Stun Activation Button. 3. Touching anywhere on to assailant's body will hav 4. When touching the assailants body, you will not s Button down for more than 1 second, as 5. You do not have to be concerned about the effects stunned, you will not feel the effect of the charge Effects of the Unit on an Assailant 1. Touching an assailant to less tan 1 second will cause mit 2. Touching an assailant for 1 to 2 seconds will cause must My dad's error in reading what he is buying online...

My dad's error in reading what he is buying online...

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