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Advice, America, and Bones: Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti forced a bot to watch over 1,O00 hours of Hallmark Christmas movies and then asked it to write a Hallmark Christmas movie of its own. Here is the first page. THE CHRISTMAS ON CHRISTMAS INT. SMALL TOWN SNON GLOBE REFILLERY We gee a SINGLE MOTHER refilling snow globes with chriotmas uice. She is widow. Her husband died in every war SINGLE MOTHER I refili globes better than Jesus Claus, yet still my twins are dad- free. Why? They need double dad BUSINESS MAN enter the shop. He wears clothes that cost money. His hands are briefcases, and he Hallmark hot SINGLE MOTHER (CONT D) Hİ. Do your now globes lack wet? Hurry. Christmess attacks soon Business Man has flashback to when he was Business Boy. A Christmas tree explodes his family on purpose. He now hates trees and Christmas and explosions. He exits the flashback BUSINESS MAN Shut your cound! I am from Hugo city. I bought your land and am turning it into an oil resort. SINGLE MOTHER Rude behavior! This is a family buainess. I sell families. I an id y husband is now bones. Single Mother points to her husband's bones in the corner of the room. They are all giftwrapped in eggnog BUSINESS MAN All of my wives are bones! That is America. But I must make money for my twins to live. They are a prince SINGLE MOTHER I too own twins. Please, don't have bought my land. Christmas is today BUSINESS MAN Laugh, I bought Christmas and now it is never. Unless we go on dates SINGLE MOTHER I cannot date because of a snow curse. I pray santa helps ne. Santa cannot help. She did not know but Santa was her husband. Santa is bones. Bones help nobody advice-animal: Christmas Is Bones. Bones don’t give

advice-animal: Christmas Is Bones. Bones don’t give

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America, Bones, and Christmas: Keaton Patti @KeatonPatti forced a bot to watch over 1,O00 hours of Hallmark Christmas movies and then asked it to write a Hallmark Christmas movie of its own. Here is the first page. THE CHRISTMAS ON CHRISTMAS INT. SMALL TOWN SNON GLOBE REFILLERY We gee a SINGLE MOTHER refilling snow globes with chriotmas uice. She is widow. Her husband died in every war SINGLE MOTHER I refili globes better than Jesus Claus, yet still my twins are dad- free. Why? They need double dad BUSINESS MAN enter the shop. He wears clothes that cost money. His hands are briefcases, and he Hallmark hot SINGLE MOTHER (CONT D) Hİ. Do your now globes lack wet? Hurry. Christmess attacks soon Business Man has flashback to when he was Business Boy. A Christmas tree explodes his family on purpose. He now hates trees and Christmas and explosions. He exits the flashback BUSINESS MAN Shut your cound! I am from Hugo city. I bought your land and am turning it into an oil resort. SINGLE MOTHER Rude behavior! This is a family buainess. I sell families. I an id y husband is now bones. Single Mother points to her husband's bones in the corner of the room. They are all giftwrapped in eggnog BUSINESS MAN All of my wives are bones! That is America. But I must make money for my twins to live. They are a prince SINGLE MOTHER I too own twins. Please, don't have bought my land. Christmas is today BUSINESS MAN Laugh, I bought Christmas and now it is never. Unless we go on dates SINGLE MOTHER I cannot date because of a snow curse. I pray santa helps ne. Santa cannot help. She did not know but Santa was her husband. Santa is bones. Bones help nobody Christmas Is Bones. Bones don’t give

Christmas Is Bones. Bones don’t give

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Elmo, Genius, and Man: honestly i cried watching a documentary abt the man behind elmo im in such a MoOoD why am i an unrecognized comedic genius

honestly i cried watching a documentary abt the man behind elmo im in such a MoOoD why am i an unrecognized comedic genius

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Anaconda, Instagram, and Memes: My students had to pick a Marvel character to embody within a resume and cover letter. The idea that you miss 100% of the shots you don't take lives within one particular student of mine. Address I am groot Email i am groot Phone number i am groof I am Groot, I am Groot, 1 am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, 1 am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I om Groot, I am Groot. ㄧ迮in Groot, l (In Groot, l ㎜ Groot, l am Groot, ' am Groot, i am Groot, ' 0m Groot, 1 am Groot am Groot,1 am Groot, Iam Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, Iam Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, am Groot,Tam Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot l an Groot l am Groot, l am Groot,I am Groot, l am Groot 1 am Groot, i am Groot, i an Groot I am Groot,I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, 1 am Groot : an Groot, 1 am Groot, l 0m Groot, i am Groot.เ 0m Groot, i am Groot, l am Groot, l am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, 1am Groot,1m Groot, 1om Groot, I am Groot : 0m Groot, l am Groot l am Groot, i am Groot, l 0m Groot l tm Groot, I ftm Groot, i am Groot am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, Iam Groot, Iam Groot, I am Groot, I om Groot, 1am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, 1 am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot i am Groot, l am Groot, 1 am Groot, i am Groot, i am Groot, i am Groot, l am Groot, i am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. I am Groot, I am Groot, I om Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot l am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot. I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot 1 am Groot, l am Groot, i ㎜ Groot, l am Groot, l am Groot. am Groot, l am Groot, i am Groot i am Groot, ' Ein Groot un Groot, ' am Groot, l am Groot,I am Groot, i an Groot, l dun Groot 1 am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I om Groot, I am Groot. I om Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I om Groot, 1 am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot i ИП Groot, am Groot, i 0m Groot, ' nm Groot, l am Groot, i am Groot, i am Groot, i am Groot : om Groot, l om Groot,丨0m Groot, 1 am Groot, l am Groot, i am Gloot, i am Groot, ' am Goot I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot I am Groot, I om Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot, I am Groot ' om Groot, i an Groot. ' am Groot, l 0m Groot, am Groot, am Groot, l am Groot ' am Groot I am Groot, 1om Groot, I am Groot, Jam Groot, Ii am Groot am Groot, Jam Groot, I am Groot Objective: I AM GROOT Experiences or skills: I AM GROOT, I AM GROOT, I AM GROOT Activities: I AM GROOT, I AM GROOT LAM GROOT List Your Education: I AM GROOT I AM GROOT List Any Awards You've Won and When You Won Them: I AM GROOT, I AM GROOT List Your Personal Interests: I AM GROOT 💨 @hitsblunt is the funniest hits blunt page on Instagram! 👺😂

💨 @hitsblunt is the funniest hits blunt page on Instagram! 👺😂

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Arsenal, Ass, and Bitch: What the Fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I'11 have you know I graduated top of ny class in the Nauy Seals, and I'ue been involued in numerous secret raids on A1-Quaeda, and I haue over 390 confirmed kills. I an trained in gorilla wafre and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed Forces. You are nothing to me but just anoth er target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me oer the Internet? Think again, Fucker. As we speak I an contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better pre pare For the storm, maggot. The storn that wipes out the pa thetic little thing you call your life You 're fucking dead, kid. I can be anyuhere, anytine, and I can kill you in ouer seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I haue access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your mis erable ass off the Face of the continent, you little shit. IF only you could have known what unholy retribution your little clever comnent was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot I will shit fury al ill drown in it. You 're fucking dead, kiddo l over you and you w Trump threatening President Rouhani (2018).
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Another One, Bad, and Christmas: Scott Kerr @scott kerr Follow Boy writes to Lego after losing a mini-figure. Lego's customer service department should rurn the world. Email from Luka to LEGO Hello. Myname is Luka andi am seven years old. With al my money l got for ChristmasI bought the Ninjago kit of the Ultrasonic Raider. The number is 9449. It is really good. My Daddy just took me to Sainsburys and told me to leave the people at home but I took them andI lost Jay ZX at the shop as it fell out of my coat. I am really upset I have lost him. Daddy said to send you a email to see if you will send me another one. I promise I won'"t take him to the shop again if you can. Thank you. Enail reply from Richard at Lego Consumer Services Thanks for sending us an email! We are very sorry to hear about you losing your Jay minifigure but it sounds like your dad sight have been right about leaving it at hone. It sounds like you are very sad about it too Normally we would ask that you pay for a new one if you lose one of your ninifigures and need to have it replaced. My bosses told me I could not send you one out for free because you lost it but, I decided that I would put call into Sensei Wu to see if he could help ne Luka, I told Sensei Nu that losing your Jay minifigure was purely an accident and that you would never ever ever let it happen er again. He told me to tell you, Luka, your father seess like a very wise nan. You nust always protect your Ninjago ninifigures like the dragons protect the Weapons of Spinitzu Sensei Wu also told ne it was okay if I sent you a new Jay and told se it would be okay if 1I included sonething extra for you because anyone that saves their Christmas soney to buy the Ultrasonic Raider must be a really big Ninjago fan So, I hope you enjoy your Jay ninifigure with all his eapons. You will actually have the only Jay minifigure that combines 3 different Jays into one! I an also going to send you a bad guy for hin to fight! Just reneaber, what Sensei ku said: keep your ninifigures protected like the Weapons of Spinjitzul And of course, always listen to your dad You will see an envelope from LEGO within the next two weeks with your new ninifigures. Please take good care of them, Luka. Renember that you promised to alwavs leave thes at hone. RETWEETSLIKES 35,162 67,568 黶閻曜 器傭闖 5:01 AM-16 Sep 2016 This is how you do customer support

This is how you do customer support

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Ariana Grande, Dad, and Drunk: AN OPEN LETTER TO ARIANA GRANDE Dear Miss Grande, I an the father of three daughters- ages 13, 12 & 12. So, yo u have been a part of our family for years. On occasion, your songs may have stayed on the radio AFTER I have dropped the girls off at school. I will neither co nfirm nor deny that I have personally seen every episode of "Sam & Kat." Since you are a part of our family and after reading a tweet you posted on the Twitter the other ight; I'm afraid I need to set you straight girl. So listen up and receive some redneck love from a daddy of daughters. #1. You don't have a dadgum thing to apologize fo r. If some jackass had gotten drunk and killed someone with his car next to your hotel in Manchester, would you feel responsible? If the night before your concert, a tornado had hit Manchester and tragically killed several peo ple who were going to go to your concert; would you feel the need to a poloize? You see, you are no more respo nsible for the actions of an insane co ward w ho committed an evil act in your proximity than you would be for a devastating natural disaster or acts of mo rons near your ho tl Your text was some stinkin' thinkin in that regard. 2. In yo ur line of wo rk, yo u have so many experts who are now "strategizing" what you sho uld do next (I used to be one of those "experts" when I managed talent. Tell them ALL to memehumor: Dad writes heartfelt open letter to Ariana Grande telling her to ‘take care’ of herself first.
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Ass, Bad, and Books: Alanya Kolberg 19 April at 21:27 MY CHILD IS NOT REQUIRED TO SHARE WITH YOURS As soon as we walked in the park, Carson was approached by at least 6 boys, all at once demanding that he share his transformer, Minecraft figure, and truck. He was visibly overwhelmed and clutched them to his chest as the boys reached for them. He looked at me. "You can tell them no, Carson," I said. "Just say no. You don't have to say anything else." Of course, as soon as he said no, the boys ran to tattle to me that he was not sharing. I said, "He doesn't have to share with you. He said no. If he wants to share, he will!" That got me some dirty looks from other parents. Here is the thing though: If I, an adult, walked into the park eating a sandwich, aml required to share my sandwich with strangers in the park? No! Would any well-mannered adult, a stranger, reach out to help themselves to my sandwich, and get huffy if I pulled it away? No again. <p><a href="http://matt-ruins-feminisms-shit.tumblr.com/post/159985485021/dainslefsblog-scrawnyflannelman-kasaron" class="tumblr_blog">matt-ruins-feminisms-shit</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="https://dainslefsblog.tumblr.com/post/159983920386/scrawnyflannelman-kasaron" class="tumblr_blog">dainslefsblog</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://scrawnyflannelman.tumblr.com/post/159982671121/kasaron-coca-cola-official-fierceawakening" class="tumblr_blog">scrawnyflannelman</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://kasaron.tumblr.com/post/159981254195/coca-cola-official-fierceawakening" class="tumblr_blog">kasaron</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://coca-cola-official.tumblr.com/post/159981165906/fierceawakening-dendritic-trees" class="tumblr_blog">coca-cola-official</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://fierceawakening.tumblr.com/post/159977672760/dendritic-trees-northstarfan-monteyjames91" class="tumblr_blog">fierceawakening</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://dendritic-trees.tumblr.com/post/159977380274" class="tumblr_blog">dendritic-trees</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://northstarfan.tumblr.com/post/159975677411/monteyjames91-bogleech-topographygo" class="tumblr_blog">northstarfan</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://monteyjames91.tumblr.com/post/159975415692/bogleech-topographygo-bogleech-mom-of-the" class="tumblr_blog">monteyjames91</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://bogleech.tumblr.com/post/159968948333/topographygo-bogleech-mom-of-the-year-where" class="tumblr_blog">bogleech</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://topographygo.tumblr.com/post/159968788412/bogleech-mom-of-the-year-where-was-this-attitude" class="tumblr_blog">topographygo</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://bogleech.tumblr.com/post/159968630278/mom-of-the-year-where-was-this-attitude-when-i" class="tumblr_blog">bogleech</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>MOM OF THE YEAR. WHERE WAS THIS ATTITUDE WHEN I WAS IN GRADE SCHOOL.<br/></p></blockquote> <p>This is so weird, it’s a park? Who the hell thinks that a child they don’t know is obligated to share their possessions with their kids just cuz they play in a public space?</p> </blockquote> <p>It might vary with where you live and when you were a child but when I was tiny, every adult from teachers to family to television characters hammered into me non-stop that all good people ALWAYS SHARE EVERYTHING no matter what and only bad people keep even a single thing for themselves. “Sharing is caring” was the phrase repeated ad nauseum by songs and books and cartoons aimed at us toddlers.</p> <p>I remember my own uncle just insisting I give him literally half of my dessert once to just sort of test and make sure my parents were teaching me “right” and copping a massive attitude when I said no. <br/></p> <p>My mom actually sided with me there but most other adults I knew would never have done so. They’d have just lectured this small child on how selfish it is to not let just anyone and everyone have what you have.<br/></p> </blockquote> <p>I would teach my kid this</p> <p>If you don’t know them like that and they trying to put hands on your stuff before even asking you, you have the right to tell them no and I will cosign</p> </blockquote> <p>Amen. There’s a difference between teaching a kid to be generous and training them to be taken advantage of. A little boy getting mobbed because strangers wanted something he had – and not one adult saying anything about it! – makes me think far less of the parents of those kids than Ms. Kolberg. <br/></p> </blockquote> <p>Definitely. There’s a big difference between teaching kids to share shared objects, like toys in a preschool, and their own personal things.</p> </blockquote> <p>Yep.</p> <p>I remember my friend insisting I share my hard to find action figures with her. She took one with her somewhere and lost it. (I don’t think she was quite mean enough to outright steal it.)</p> <p>Just because someone really likes something you have and says SHAAAAAAAARE doesn’t mean you should.</p> </blockquote> <p>Private property</p> </blockquote> <p>Taking notes; these are things I hadn’t considered when raising someone.</p> </blockquote> <p>This is super important. <br/>It’s DANGEROUS to teach your children that “sharing” means they get other people’s stuff. That’s not what the lesson should be.</p> </blockquote> <p>I can’t even let some of my coworkers use my shit without them ruining it, you bet your ass I’m going to teach my kid that sharing isn’t mandatory, especially with random people out in public.<br/></p> </blockquote> <p>Thank you this pisses me off and I see it all the time. A kid will be playing quietly and someone else will come and take something from then with force. Then when the fight starts parents come rushing over and the first thing the kid who stole the toy always says is “He wasn’t sharing.” No you ripped it out of his hands you little fuck. And then the kid who had something taken from him is now getting a talking to about how we need to share and the diplomatic solution is to let the other kid play with it for a while and take turns. And 9 times out of 10 the only reason the other kid wanted it in the first place was that someone else was using it. Kids are like that they only want it because someone else is enjoying it. Teaching kids to be pushovers and others that simply taking what they want is effective.</p><p>Whoever was using it first or whoever owns it has every right to keep it. Instead of teaching kids they have to share teach them to wait their fucking turn or deal with the reality that you don’t get everything you want just because you ask. Teach them that it’s nice to share, absolutely but not that it is always mandatory. </p><p>Glad this mom and others get it.</p></blockquote> <p>I was like &ldquo;so much this&rdquo; when I read this on Facebook. It&rsquo;s such a good point. &ldquo;Sharing&rdquo; does not mean you&rsquo;re entitled to other people&rsquo;s things. That&rsquo;s how you raise your kids to be liberals.</p>
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