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Alive, Apparently, and Bad: ORihad Herrma M S youmakemelikecharity: rock-moms: vastderp: gaybuttfuckzone: deltasniper1000: So someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so much, and apparently it was ~too mean~ and was deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand up for ethical journalism, I’m posting it here. [Rated NC-17 for language.] Disclaimer, I care about marine life more than I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it’s not like an ~ironic~ thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the world’s largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged his shoulders at because no one could have imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT IS A WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 FT BY 14 FT) IS WASTED SPACE. They are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out of their mouths for direction (?????). They COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS WHAT IT DOESNT FUCKING GROW. It just continually folds in on itself, so the freaking cells are being made, this piece of floating garbage just doesn’t put them where they need to fucking go. So they don’t have swim bladders. You know, the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn’t just sink to the bottom of the ocean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can barely move to begin with. Can never stop its continuous tour of idiocy across the ocean or it’ll fucking sink. EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the water! Which happens frequently! Because without the whole swim bladder thing, if the ocean pushes over THE THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE-ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it’s basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros and cons. “If they are so huge, they must at least be decent predators.” No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. Because it jumped onto a boat. On a human. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no injuries. Way to go, fish. Great job. They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of drifting into their mouths I guess. Everything they do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it’s so stupidly fucking big, it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous open mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) “Oh no! What could have happened! How could this be!” Do not let that expression fool you, they just don’t have the goddamn ability to close their mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. They do SOMETIMES get eaten though. BUT HARDLY. No animal truly uses them as a food source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most useful thing to ever come from them. “Wow, you raise some good points here, this fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us.” Yes, thank you. “But if they’re so bad at literally everything, why haven’t they gone extinct.” Great question. BECAUSE THIS THING IS SO WORTHLESS IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST. IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT’S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH, OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that’ll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME. 300,000,000. IT SURVIVES BECAUSE IT WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE, DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THERE WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY. And this concludes why I hate the fuck out of this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at it. LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHTSo the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it’s stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this as a way of “scratching” their parasite ridden bodies. So learning that I was like “huh okay they have a skill.” Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry them into deep cold water. Then they die. So I have learned that they are so stupid they just get slowly consumed by a freezing death. All while they have the full ability for that to not happen. Because they’re fucking worthless floating garbage i read this out loud to my marine bio nerd friend and she agrees be nice to them they’re doing their best :(
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Life, Love, and Smell: rue-by-another-name the biggest lie i ever told & how came to protect it my husband for years I have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and don't really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don't like peanut butter theyd get all defensive like "peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?! and then rd have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i'm just allergic to peanuts because that way it's not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter -it's now like I'm a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when im at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviousty couldn't eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered, "i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes and if that isn't love then i don't know what is All because of Peanut M&Ms..

All because of Peanut M

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Future, Life, and Lol: rue-by-another-name the biggest lie i ever told & how my husband came to protect it for years i have lived this lie telling everyone i am allergic to peanuts because i hate the smell of peanut butter and don't really like peanut butter that much but whenever i used to tell people i don't like peanut butter they'd get all defensive like "peanut butter is amazing how do you not like it?!" and then i'd have to go into this whole thing to defend my taste buds but then i got tired of it and started telling people that i'm just allergic to peanuts because that way it's not my fault that i hate the smell of peanut butter it's now like i'm a sad little baby who will never get to taste peanut butter ever in her life and everyone feels sad for me. but the problem is that i really love peanut m&ms and so now i can only eat peanut m&ms when i'm at home in secret. the only person who knows my lie is my husband. and so at work this evening we had a small celebration for someone and they had peanut m&ms and i really wanted some but obviously couldn't eat them in public because then people would know my peanut secret and so when we got home after work my husband tipped his jacket over and emptied his pockets and at least thirty or so peanut m&ms fell out of his pockets and he whispered. "i was sneakily accumulating them all night for you because i could see the pain in your eyes. and if that isn't love then i don't know what is. My future husband better love me this much lol via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2zM1hD5

My future husband better love me this much lol via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2zM1hD5

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Arthur, Dallas Cowboys, and Nsfw: fracke TRIES NUDIT THE 5 REBLOGS CHALLENGE OPEN SHIRT 10 REBLOGS SHIPTLESS GERALT 15 REBLOGS PANTLESS DUTCH 25 REBLOGS UNDERWEAR ONLY 35 REBLOGS NUDE CENSO PAED) |ARTHUR 45 REBLOGS NUDE CuncensoRED BEBLOG THS PoST HACKERAXE. TUMBLR.COM hackeraxe: I read all your replies and decided to compile this little list! Not one, but all three of our fine young men, (if a nearly 100-year-old witcher counts as being young as well,) are up and ready to go for this challenge, and so am I. They’re my three favorite men to draw lately, so here they are!At 5 reblogs, there will be an open shirt Arthur Morgan drawing!At 10 reblogs, you’ll get to have a shirtless Geralt of Rivia!At 15 reblogs, you get to see Dutch without his pants on!At 25 reblogs, Geralt will only be in his undies!At 35 Reblogs, Dutch will be completely naked, albeit with a censor.And at a whopping 45 reblogs…Geralt, Dutch Van Der Linde, and Arthur Morgan will all be completely naked in all their glory, as nude as the day they were born.So, what are you waiting for? Reblog and tell all your buddies for the incoming shipment of nude cowboys and a witcher! All at the small fee of a few reblogs!(Disclaimer: These drawings won’t be immediate! I have to still complete one more gift drawing as well as a commission, so be patient. However, none of these can get started without your support!Disclaimer 2: This may be the very first time I ever draw male genitalia. I’ll be posting this as NSFW on my twitter account, if I figure out how to use this damn thing. https://twitter.com/hacker_axe)Have a great one, everybody! THIS POST BLEW UP SO FAST,, IM LEGIT SCREAMINGthe thirst is real

hackeraxe: I read all your replies and decided to compile this little list! Not one, but all three of our fine young men, (if a nearly 100-...

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