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rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place. : rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full extent of its purpose as well as its overall benefit, local man Jacob Ferris, 25, nonetheless surmised today that the oblong rock located in girlfriend Sarah Milstein’s shower caddy must somehow factor into her bathing routine, sources confirmed. “I guess at some point while she’s showering, she rubs a rock on her body,” said Ferris, expressing what he claimed was “the only possible conclusion” about the light-gray rock in his girlfriend’s bathroom. “I mean, it looks sort of nice, so she could just have it there for decoration or something. But it’s usually right near all the other soaps and her loofah, so I think it’s probably something she actually uses while under the water.” “I really don’t know how it all works,” Ferris added. “All I know is that in between Sarah getting into the shower and getting out, there’s a rock involved.” Ferris, who said he was unable to determine exactly when in the showering process the rock first comes into play, told reporters he is equally clueless about what part of the body the rock is used on. In addition, Ferris said he occasionally inspects the roughly 3-ounce object when he’s in Milstein’s shower, and told reporters that the rock is nearly always wet and is occasionally moved to slightly different spots within the bathtub, leading him to believe that his girlfriend uses it fairly regularly. He also noted his girlfriend’s bathing time never seems particularly longer than the average person’s considering she has added a rock into the mix. Ferris added that all attempts to incorporate the rock into his own shower routine have ultimately been unsuccessful. “I tried rubbing it on my skin once, and it hurt,” Ferris said, concluding that pouring soap and water directly onto the rock neither made it softer nor easier on his skin. “I could maybe see how it could get some dirt off of your body, but it seems too painful to work. Her skin usually looks nice though, so maybe I’m wrong.” “There is a chance it could be a hair thing,” Ferris continued. “Maybe she rubs the rock in her hair? I don’t know.” Ferris confirmed he has considered numerous reasons for why his girlfriend uses the rock in the shower, including that she has some type of skin condition, that the rock is some sort of weird tradition her family has, or that everyone uses rocks in the shower and he has been out of the loop the entire time. “It could be for cleaning the bathtub,” said Ferris, adding he once suspected the rock was a device for making the bathroom smell nice, but then noticed it had no discernible smell whatsoever. “Like every few weekends she scrubs the tub with this rock? I guess I could see Sarah doing that.” While Ferris said he is mostly certain that the rock was initially purchased at a home goods store of some kind, he was not able to completely rule out the possibility it was just a rock that his girlfriend found on the ground and decided to put in her shower. “I wonder if I should put a rock in my shower for when she’s over here,” said Ferris, who said he once tried to locate a rock at a Bed Bath & Beyond, but left after not wanting to walk up to a sales clerk and ask them where they kept their “shower rocks.” “Or I could just tell her to leave a rock at my place if she wants.” “I’m probably not going to do that,” Ferris added. At press time, a visibly perplexed Ferris had seen the rock sitting in Milstein’s trashcan and then looked in the shower to see another rock sitting in its place.

rubitrightintomyeyes: theonion: Rock Apparently Factors Into Girlfriend’s Shower Routine SEATTLE—Saying he was confused about the full...

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brightlotusmoon: a-holiday-franchise: perpetualcombustioninstruction: revereche: bogleech: elvenrainbow: shitsuren-chama: ocean-child-love: kaibas-paragraphical-mind: what-is-a-homestuck: WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT YOU COULD BE A FUCKING BADASS DRAGON THAT’S THE POINT “I AM A CREATURE OF DARKNESS” “oh hey sabrina.” I guess the point is that you could shapeshift into the body you always thought you’d grow into when you were a kid taller, shorter, slimmer, more muscular, purple hair, tattoos everywhere, tattoos nowhere,  every single shoe would fit you every single time you tried it on, every single article of clothing would fit your perfectly, all you have to do is transform slightly, you’d never run out of ‘your size’ again and you wouldn’t have to work for it at all, and you’d never be limitted by your bone structure or something. You could just transform at will. I don’t see how this is much of a downside When you turn into a sixty story tentacle demon and terrorize a city you want to get the credit you deserve Oh man that would be so sweet. I could be an annoying fuck as an insect or something but you couldn’t kill me because everyone would know That’s great but have you considered ~cosplay ~Halloween costumes ~acting ~cosplay ~stretching to reach stuff and shrinking to fit through spaces ~cosplay ~cosplay ~COSPLAY imagine being at work minding your business and then suddenly you look out the window and see like a 50ft tall flamingo and then someone just says “oh, yeah, that’s just pete, he does this sometimes, don’t worry” “BRB, gonna be a cat-sized dragon for a few hours. Might come home a foot taller with mood tattoos.” “Don’t antagonize the fae.” “I AM the fae, Susan.” : brightlotusmoon: a-holiday-franchise: perpetualcombustioninstruction: revereche: bogleech: elvenrainbow: shitsuren-chama: ocean-child-love: kaibas-paragraphical-mind: what-is-a-homestuck: WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT YOU COULD BE A FUCKING BADASS DRAGON THAT’S THE POINT “I AM A CREATURE OF DARKNESS” “oh hey sabrina.” I guess the point is that you could shapeshift into the body you always thought you’d grow into when you were a kid taller, shorter, slimmer, more muscular, purple hair, tattoos everywhere, tattoos nowhere,  every single shoe would fit you every single time you tried it on, every single article of clothing would fit your perfectly, all you have to do is transform slightly, you’d never run out of ‘your size’ again and you wouldn’t have to work for it at all, and you’d never be limitted by your bone structure or something. You could just transform at will. I don’t see how this is much of a downside When you turn into a sixty story tentacle demon and terrorize a city you want to get the credit you deserve Oh man that would be so sweet. I could be an annoying fuck as an insect or something but you couldn’t kill me because everyone would know That’s great but have you considered ~cosplay ~Halloween costumes ~acting ~cosplay ~stretching to reach stuff and shrinking to fit through spaces ~cosplay ~cosplay ~COSPLAY imagine being at work minding your business and then suddenly you look out the window and see like a 50ft tall flamingo and then someone just says “oh, yeah, that’s just pete, he does this sometimes, don’t worry” “BRB, gonna be a cat-sized dragon for a few hours. Might come home a foot taller with mood tattoos.” “Don’t antagonize the fae.” “I AM the fae, Susan.”
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galexion: randomnightlord: twisted-monarch: mahi-does-some-art: flashflashitsash: gryffindorcls: lighterstike: cause-a-gay-has-got-to-slay: sirfoggybrain: dark-eyed-harmothoe: rainbow-eeveegirl: aceofspades-lena: aquilacalvitium: je56: anxiousflybi: i-am-your-highlady: flynn-science: scruffymcwhiskers: opals-official-twitter-account: hockeylvr42: that-sammy-bitch: aaaaa42: nyehs: w-for-wumbo: it’s time ITS NOT TIME ITS FUCKING MARCH I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS it’s time 237 more days till halloween! ITS LIKE NEXT MONTH GUYS I have a feeling someone had this queued for an entire year just so they could post this in march I T S T I M E ITS TIME IT’S MARCH YOU ANIMALS IT’S LITERALLY MARCH 8TH 2017 THE FUCK IS THIS DOING ON MY DASH ITS MARCH , 2018. ITS TIME I swear tumblr has a thing about March. What’s going on? I thought I knew all of tumblr’s secrets. Well I guess I haven’t even been here for a full year yet, so… it’s time. Time INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY >??>?>?? march 1st 2020! it’s Halloween! HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER BOIS @flashflashitsash MY TIME HAS COME ITS HERE~~~ It’s 2nd of March, you heathens. It’s second of March 6:52am GO BACK TO SLEEP ITS 16:29 YOU CRETIN: galexion: randomnightlord: twisted-monarch: mahi-does-some-art: flashflashitsash: gryffindorcls: lighterstike: cause-a-gay-has-got-to-slay: sirfoggybrain: dark-eyed-harmothoe: rainbow-eeveegirl: aceofspades-lena: aquilacalvitium: je56: anxiousflybi: i-am-your-highlady: flynn-science: scruffymcwhiskers: opals-official-twitter-account: hockeylvr42: that-sammy-bitch: aaaaa42: nyehs: w-for-wumbo: it’s time ITS NOT TIME ITS FUCKING MARCH I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS it’s time 237 more days till halloween! ITS LIKE NEXT MONTH GUYS I have a feeling someone had this queued for an entire year just so they could post this in march I T S T I M E ITS TIME IT’S MARCH YOU ANIMALS IT’S LITERALLY MARCH 8TH 2017 THE FUCK IS THIS DOING ON MY DASH ITS MARCH , 2018. ITS TIME I swear tumblr has a thing about March. What’s going on? I thought I knew all of tumblr’s secrets. Well I guess I haven’t even been here for a full year yet, so… it’s time. Time INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY >??>?>?? march 1st 2020! it’s Halloween! HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER BOIS @flashflashitsash MY TIME HAS COME ITS HERE~~~ It’s 2nd of March, you heathens. It’s second of March 6:52am GO BACK TO SLEEP ITS 16:29 YOU CRETIN
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twisted-monarch: mahi-does-some-art: flashflashitsash: gryffindorcls: lighterstike: cause-a-gay-has-got-to-slay: sirfoggybrain: dark-eyed-harmothoe: rainbow-eeveegirl: aceofspades-lena: aquilacalvitium: je56: anxiousflybi: i-am-your-highlady: flynn-science: scruffymcwhiskers: opals-official-twitter-account: hockeylvr42: that-sammy-bitch: aaaaa42: nyehs: w-for-wumbo: it’s time ITS NOT TIME ITS FUCKING MARCH I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS it’s time 237 more days till halloween! ITS LIKE NEXT MONTH GUYS I have a feeling someone had this queued for an entire year just so they could post this in march I T S T I M E ITS TIME IT’S MARCH YOU ANIMALS IT’S LITERALLY MARCH 8TH 2017 THE FUCK IS THIS DOING ON MY DASH ITS MARCH , 2018. ITS TIME I swear tumblr has a thing about March. What’s going on? I thought I knew all of tumblr’s secrets. Well I guess I haven’t even been here for a full year yet, so… it’s time. Time INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY >??>?>?? march 1st 2020! it’s Halloween! HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER BOIS @flashflashitsash MY TIME HAS COME ITS HERE~~~ It’s 2nd of March, you heathens. : twisted-monarch: mahi-does-some-art: flashflashitsash: gryffindorcls: lighterstike: cause-a-gay-has-got-to-slay: sirfoggybrain: dark-eyed-harmothoe: rainbow-eeveegirl: aceofspades-lena: aquilacalvitium: je56: anxiousflybi: i-am-your-highlady: flynn-science: scruffymcwhiskers: opals-official-twitter-account: hockeylvr42: that-sammy-bitch: aaaaa42: nyehs: w-for-wumbo: it’s time ITS NOT TIME ITS FUCKING MARCH I DONT WANT TO SEE THIS it’s time 237 more days till halloween! ITS LIKE NEXT MONTH GUYS I have a feeling someone had this queued for an entire year just so they could post this in march I T S T I M E ITS TIME IT’S MARCH YOU ANIMALS IT’S LITERALLY MARCH 8TH 2017 THE FUCK IS THIS DOING ON MY DASH ITS MARCH , 2018. ITS TIME I swear tumblr has a thing about March. What’s going on? I thought I knew all of tumblr’s secrets. Well I guess I haven’t even been here for a full year yet, so… it’s time. Time INTERNATIONAL HOLIDAY >??>?>?? march 1st 2020! it’s Halloween! HALLOWEEN IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER BOIS @flashflashitsash MY TIME HAS COME ITS HERE~~~ It’s 2nd of March, you heathens.
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