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America, Apparently, and Ass: zornsable: reversingyourpolarity: elidyce: seananmcguire: priscellie: ecnamor-lacimehc-ym: gallifrey-feels: sociopathic-italian-grandmas: millshouse: meganiun: happyvegetable: kennilworthy-thisp: derinthemadscientist: lumoslouis: soloontherocks: amour-vengeance: later-homenuggets: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait.  you mean to tell me this isn’t even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? wake up australia  That’s what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit It’s cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they’re going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called “swooping season” and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it’s fucking brutal. My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. no but when you’re 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual fuck australia  I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke. Nope. Went there. Parrots tried to take our car. Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY. Interesting thing about magpies - they’re not great at identifying individual humans visually, but if you make yourself identifiable in some way they’re usually open to reason. We used to have some very aggressive swoopers in our back yard - as soon as they realised that the humans *inside* the fence never bothered them and were the source of the delicious compost heap, they turned into flying black and white guard dogs who would viciously assault any passing stranger but never bothered anyone inside the yard. Several times they swooped at us when we approached from outside, then when we walked into the yard they would pull up and act incredibly apologetic like sorry ma’am I had no idea it was you I would never please don’t stop stocking the food pile. There was another little group of magpies in the park who would attack any solo pedestrian but never bothered anyone walking a dog or pushing a pram, because apparently those were identifiable traits indicating a non-threatening human. In the spirit of inquiry, I started going out of my way to be polite to the magpies - carefully walking a wide arc around them when they were on the ground, etc - and emitting an identifiable call of ‘hello birdie’ before swooping season started.  I spent the next ten years crossing that park at least once a day and as long as I turned at the first flutter of wings and said ‘hello birdie’ to the magpie waiting to attack as soon as my back was turned, I was fine. Every time, the magpie would stare at me for a minute and then fly off to harass some other pedestrian because apparently the magpies and I, we were cool.  Parrots are a lot less open to negotiation, and the little bastards travel in flocks. Beware the parrots.  Australia: the only country where it is necessary to sign a peace treaty with the birds in order to stay unmangled. They did lose the Emu War, after all.
Ass, Birthday, and Christmas: A What's the rudest thing a guest has 5173 ever done in your home? (self.AskReddit) posted to AskReddit 4 hours ago by nl1004 2303 comments sorted by top DONE HIDE A PREV NEXT V A Jombafomb 19496 points 3 hours ago x2 Everyone has a story from their childhood that still pisses them off, this is mine. I was five years old and my snotty older cousin was over at our house. I had just gotten a copy of Mike Tyson's Punch out for my birthday. He was getting his ass kicked by king hippo and he got so angry he rage quit. But he didn't just rage quit, he ripped the cartridge out of the Nintendo and spit into it. Then he threw it across the room and stormed out. I told my parents what happened and they told his parents and they made him apologize, but the game was ruined. It would kind of play, but would freeze up all the time. My family barely had enough money to get me the game for my birthday never mind buying it again. I was sure I would never be able to play it again Then for Christmas this little shit got Mike Tyson's Punch Out. So my older brother went over to his house and switched our ruined cartridge with his. It was awesome. A Jombafomb 13320 points 7 hours ago x2 I could write a book with tales of his awesomeness. When I was 12 he snuck me out of the house in the middle of the night to see The Foo Fighters (before they were the biggest band on earth) At the end of their set William Goldsmith (their drummer at the time) threw his sticks into the crowd and my brother dove headfirst and emerged victoriously with the sticks over his head a minute later. He gave them to me as a memento of my first real rock show. I put one in his coffin and the other I still have to this day. We still fought all the time like brothers do, but no one could mess with me so long as he was around awesomacious: Redditor shares a few heartwarming stories about his elder brother.
Ass, Birthday, and Christmas: A What's the rudest thing a guest has 5173 ever done in your home? (self.AskReddit) posted to AskReddit 4 hours ago by nl1004 2303 comments sorted by top DONE HIDE A PREV NEXT V A Jombafomb 19496 points 3 hours ago x2 Everyone has a story from their childhood that still pisses them off, this is mine. I was five years old and my snotty older cousin was over at our house. I had just gotten a copy of Mike Tyson's Punch out for my birthday. He was getting his ass kicked by king hippo and he got so angry he rage quit. But he didn't just rage quit, he ripped the cartridge out of the Nintendo and spit into it. Then he threw it across the room and stormed out. I told my parents what happened and they told his parents and they made him apologize, but the game was ruined. It would kind of play, but would freeze up all the time. My family barely had enough money to get me the game for my birthday never mind buying it again. I was sure I would never be able to play it again Then for Christmas this little shit got Mike Tyson's Punch Out. So my older brother went over to his house and switched our ruined cartridge with his. It was awesome. A Jombafomb 13320 points 7 hours ago x2 I could write a book with tales of his awesomeness. When I was 12 he snuck me out of the house in the middle of the night to see The Foo Fighters (before they were the biggest band on earth) At the end of their set William Goldsmith (their drummer at the time) threw his sticks into the crowd and my brother dove headfirst and emerged victoriously with the sticks over his head a minute later. He gave them to me as a memento of my first real rock show. I put one in his coffin and the other I still have to this day. We still fought all the time like brothers do, but no one could mess with me so long as he was around Redditor shares a few heartwarming stories about his elder brother.
Ass, Birthday, and Christmas: A What's the rudest thing a guest has 5173 ever done in your home? (self.AskReddit) posted to AskReddit 4 hours ago by nl1004 2303 comments sorted by top DONE HIDE A PREV NEXT V A Jombafomb 19496 points 3 hours ago x2 Everyone has a story from their childhood that still pisses them off, this is mine. I was five years old and my snotty older cousin was over at our house. I had just gotten a copy of Mike Tyson's Punch out for my birthday. He was getting his ass kicked by king hippo and he got so angry he rage quit. But he didn't just rage quit, he ripped the cartridge out of the Nintendo and spit into it. Then he threw it across the room and stormed out. I told my parents what happened and they told his parents and they made him apologize, but the game was ruined. It would kind of play, but would freeze up all the time. My family barely had enough money to get me the game for my birthday never mind buying it again. I was sure I would never be able to play it again Then for Christmas this little shit got Mike Tyson's Punch Out. So my older brother went over to his house and switched our ruined cartridge with his. It was awesome. A Jombafomb 13320 points 7 hours ago x2 I could write a book with tales of his awesomeness. When I was 12 he snuck me out of the house in the middle of the night to see The Foo Fighters (before they were the biggest band on earth) At the end of their set William Goldsmith (their drummer at the time) threw his sticks into the crowd and my brother dove headfirst and emerged victoriously with the sticks over his head a minute later. He gave them to me as a memento of my first real rock show. I put one in his coffin and the other I still have to this day. We still fought all the time like brothers do, but no one could mess with me so long as he was around Redditor shares a few heartwarming stories about his elder brother. via /r/wholesomememes https://ift.tt/2QSr17M
Ass, Birthday, and Christmas: A What's the rudest thing a guest has 5173 ever done in your home? (self.AskReddit) posted to AskReddit 4 hours ago by nl1004 2303 comments sorted by top DONE HIDE A PREV NEXT V A Jombafomb 19496 points 3 hours ago x2 Everyone has a story from their childhood that still pisses them off, this is mine. I was five years old and my snotty older cousin was over at our house. I had just gotten a copy of Mike Tyson's Punch out for my birthday. He was getting his ass kicked by king hippo and he got so angry he rage quit. But he didn't just rage quit, he ripped the cartridge out of the Nintendo and spit into it. Then he threw it across the room and stormed out. I told my parents what happened and they told his parents and they made him apologize, but the game was ruined. It would kind of play, but would freeze up all the time. My family barely had enough money to get me the game for my birthday never mind buying it again. I was sure I would never be able to play it again Then for Christmas this little shit got Mike Tyson's Punch Out. So my older brother went over to his house and switched our ruined cartridge with his. It was awesome. A Jombafomb 13320 points 7 hours ago x2 I could write a book with tales of his awesomeness. When I was 12 he snuck me out of the house in the middle of the night to see The Foo Fighters (before they were the biggest band on earth) At the end of their set William Goldsmith (their drummer at the time) threw his sticks into the crowd and my brother dove headfirst and emerged victoriously with the sticks over his head a minute later. He gave them to me as a memento of my first real rock show. I put one in his coffin and the other I still have to this day. We still fought all the time like brothers do, but no one could mess with me so long as he was around Redditor shares a few heartwarming stories about his elder brother.