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Books, Children, and Creepy: havingbeenbreathedout Sometimes I think back on the time I spent working as a barista, and it seems SO STRANGE to me that "coffee shop AU" has become synonymous with narratives that are low on conflict, high on wholesome romance. During the year l spent working at a coffee shop A coworker of mine took a bunch of psyche- delics, walked through some strangers' plate- glass door, and threatened them with a bowie knife, leading to his arrest and imprisonment (and, needless to say, a late opening for the coffee shop that morning) Another coworker, an ex-military type with a young wife and a new baby, decided to smoke up for the first time ever with two other mutual coworkers, in the back of one of their trucks; and ended up having a three-way with them which ended his marriage .I had a nervous breakdown, stopped being able to eat food or hold conversations, and ended up sleeping on my coworker's couch for three weeks before she finally called my parents to come collect me Multiple store managers were fired for embezzlement. (Reminder: this was within the space of a single year.) .Yet another coworker, who was seventeen at the time, started dog-sitting for a couple of regulars in their (I'm guessing) early 50s, and ended up in an ongoing creepy and incidentally illegal relationship~ with them both Various employees discovered, in the course of cleaning the bathrooms: couples fucking in the bathrooms; junkies passed out in the bathrooms; drunks puking in the bathrooms; both adults and children weeping in the bathrooms, a woman bleeding all over the bathroom from a gash in her throat (??); a dude standing in the middle of the bathroom floor and pissing in the opposite direction from the toilet, so that when the employee opened the unlocked door she got piss all over her (????) The owner of the bridal shop across the street was exposed as both abusive toward her employees and also cooking the books, which led to my coffee shop taking on a couple of untrained and weirdly conservative bridal shop workers for a few months while the bridal shop was shuttered and sold to new owners. Later the larcenous former bridal shop owner came down with some horrible disease which caused her to lose both her hands There was a regular universally referred to as Sketchy Steve," who came in at 7am for a three- shot latte with room for Seagrams 7, and de drugs to all us baristas. I actually, at one point cannot believe I was this stupid), went Sketchy Steve's house, and allowed him to spend like half an hour showing me his collection of découpaged outlet plates and also soliciting me for sex while I uncomfortably yet studiously declined Right before I started, the store manager had walked off the job in the middle of a shift, and side of the employees had walked out after him None of them ever returned Like, working on the front lines of food service was the most operatically sordid professional experience I have ever had, and one of the most surreal; and it is hilarious to me that THAT, of all jobs, is the one that has come to stand for soft-focus domestic romance in fandom circles wenamedthedogkylo This is the Coffee Shop AU we deserve Coffee Shop IRL
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Af, Alive, and Bad: someone in a group asked me to tell them why I hate the ocean sunfish so deleted. To perpetuate the truth and stand I care about anything else, for real. Except this big dumb idiot. And it's not like an~ironic thing, I mean it IS hilarious to me and they ARE THE BIGGEST JOKE PLAYED ON EARTH but I seriously fucking hate them. THE MOLA MOLA FISH (OR OCEAN SUNFISH) They are the worlds largest boney fish, weighing up to 5,000 pounds. And since they have very little girth, that just makes them these absolutely giant fucking dinner plates that God must have accidentally dropped while washing dishes one day and shrugged imagined this would happen. AND WITH NO PURPOSE. EVERY POUND OF THAT ISA WASTED POUND AND EVERY FOOT OF IT (10 are so completely useless that scientists even debate about how they move. They have little control other than some minor wiggling. Some say they must just push water out COULD use their back fin EXCEPT GUESS cells are being made, this piece of floating So they don't have swim bladders. You know the one thing that every fish has to make sure it doesn't just sink to the bottom of the acean when they stop moving and can stay the right side up. This creature. That can move to begin with. Can never stop its t'll fucking sink EXCEPT. EXCEPT. When they get stuck on top of the waterl Which happens frequentlyl Because without the whole swim THINNEST BUT LARGEST MOST TOPPLE ABLE FISH ON THE PLANET, shit outta luck! There is no creature on this earth that needs a swim bladder more than this spit in the face of nature, AND YET. Some scientists have speculated that when they do that, they are absorbing energy from the sun because no one fucking knows how they manage to get any real energy to begin with. So they need the sun I guess. But good news, when they end up stuck like that, it gives birds a chance to land on their goddamn island of a body and eat the bugs and parasites out of its skin because it's basically a slowly migrating cesspool. Pros be decent predators. No. No. The most dangerous thing about them is, as you may have guessed, their stupidity. They have caused the death of one person before. And in 2005 it decided to relive its mighty glory days and do it again, this time landing on a four-year-old boy. Luckily Byron sustained no They mostly only eat jellyfish because of course they do, they could only eat something that has no brain and a possibility of do eat has almost zero nutritional value and because it's so stupidly fucking big it has to eat a ton of the almost no nutritional value stuff to stay alive. Dumb. See that ridiculous n mouth? (This is actually why this is my favorite picture of one, and I have had it saved to my phone for three years) "Oh nol What could have happened! How could this bel Do not let that expression fool you, they just don't have the goddamn ability to close heir mouths because their teeth are fused together, and ya know what, it is good it floats around with such a clueless expression on its face, because it is in fact clueless as all fuck. HARDLY. No animal truly uses them asa source, but instead (which has lead us to said photo) will usually just maim the fuck out of them for kicks. Seals have been seen playing with their fins like frisbees. Probably the most fish truly is proof that God has abandoned us." Yes, thank you. "But if they're so bad at literally everything, why haven't they gone IT DOESNT REALIZE IT SHOULD NOT EXIST, IT IS SO UNAWARE OF LITERALLY FUCKING EVERYTHING THAT IT DOESNT REALIZE THAT IT'S DOING MAYBE THE WORST FUCKING JOB OF BEING A FISH OR DEBATABLY THE WORST JOB OF BEING A CLUSTER OF CELLS THAN ANY OTHER CLUSTER OF CELLS. SO WHAT DOES IT DO? IT LAYS THE MOST EGGS OUT OF EVERYTHING. Besides some bugs, there are some ants and stuff that'll lay more. IT WILL LAY 300 MILLION EGGS AT ONE TIME, 300,000,000 IT SURVIVES BECAUSE T WOULD BE STATISTICALLY IMPROBABLE DARE I SAY IMPOSSIBLE, THAT THER WOULDNT BE AT LEAST ONE OF THOSE 300,000,000 (that is EACH time they lay eggs) LEFT SURVIVING AT THE END OF THE DAY And this cancludes why I hate the fuck out af this complete failure of evolution, the Ocean Sunfish. If I ever see one, I will throw rocks at LIVE OCEAN SUNFISH UPDATE: FISH DISCOVERED TO BE MORE DUMB THAN So the top and bottom fins kind of wiggle all of the time and they are not sure exactly why but think it's stabilization. BUT they can jump by turning on their side and using them as wing type things. It is suspected they do this bodies. So leaming that I was like huh okay Then I discovered this: Since they are so terrible at swimming, the current will carry have learned that they are so stupid they just while they have the full ability for that to nat r. Then they die. So l i read this out laud to my marine bio nerd Gotta have passion
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