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Have
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Its Too Late 


                

            

        
    

    
    

        

        
    

    






            

            
            

                

                    
                

                

                    
                    
                    

                        


	


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        Apparently, Ass, and Crying: Anonymous
 08/16/16(Tue)12:24:09 No.699763279
 be fat
 >go to /fit/ and find a
 solution
 >main problem is i eat like
 a dumpster
 apparently things with
 loads of fiber is going to
 211 KB JPG
 save my filthy soul
 "Fiber is digested slowly, leaving you
 feeling full longer, and helps with digestion"
 go out and buy two boxes of fiber-heavy
 breakfast bars
 the first day i have fiber bars for
 breakfast, lunch and a lot of snacks
 i dont shit that day
 next day i fiber myself up even more
 i dont shit that day either
 >fiber jesus is surely working his magic in
 my colon
 can feel the pounds dropping off because
 im not very hungry anymore
 i dont shit the third day
 >i dont shit the fourth day
 thefinaldaydawns.mp3
 si have my morning coffee and feel my
 insides rumble in that familiar way
 the second i hit the toilet the weirdest fart
 in the world exits me
 it's whistling
 just a thin, continuous airstream of fart
 that smells like grandpapas coffin
 >no sound other than the whistling hiss
 suddenly stops
 the hole is plugged
 SOS
 >this shit is so solid it feels like i'm giving
 anal birth to Dwayne "The rock" Johnson
 >hang on to the shower curtain and pray
 the rock is shot out of my asshole at
 mach speed
 >my entire ass is covered in toilet water
 >now the fun begins
 a fart that could do more damage to thee
 ozone layer than aerosol ever did is
 shooting shit bullets out of me
 solid and prefectly round nuggets
 the smell is killing me
 blacking out
 the thuds of nuggets shooting around the
 bowl propelled by my insane fiber
 flatulence is giving me war flashbacks
 iwasntevenin'nam.jpeg
 my guts are yelling in german
 sounds like a moose in heat lives in my
 belly
 most of the shit isn't even digested at this
 point
 just forced out by all the gas that had
 been building up to my throat
 after an hour it finally seems to be over
 sim shivering and crying
 both legs collapse as i try to stand up
 >my stomach hitting the bathroom tiles
 forces one last trumpet
 gondorcallsforaid.rar
 shakily wipe my ass
 completely clean
feniczoroark:

larjmarge:
itsperegrine:

the-mighty-birdy:


carolina-viking:

th3laugh1ngt0mat0:

carolina-viking:

Holy fucking shit I CANT BREATHE

I HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE


Pretty sure this has the most notes of any of my posts

gondorcallsforaid.rar


I’m in a ball on my bed with tears streaming down my face 

If I have to read this, so do you.


This is funnier than it should be

Omfg 
        

            
            

                
                
                    Apparently, Ass, and Crying: Anonymous
 08/16/16(Tue)12:24:09 No.699763279
 be fat
 >go to /fit/ and find a
 solution
 >main problem is i eat like
 a dumpster
 apparently things with
 loads of fiber is going to
 211 KB JPG
 save my filthy soul
 "Fiber is digested slowly, leaving you
 feeling full longer, and helps with digestion"
 go out and buy two boxes of fiber-heavy
 breakfast bars
 the first day i have fiber bars for
 breakfast, lunch and a lot of snacks
 i dont shit that day
 next day i fiber myself up even more
 i dont shit that day either
 >fiber jesus is surely working his magic in
 my colon
 can feel the pounds dropping off because
 im not very hungry anymore
 i dont shit the third day
 >i dont shit the fourth day
 thefinaldaydawns.mp3
 si have my morning coffee and feel my
 insides rumble in that familiar way
 the second i hit the toilet the weirdest fart
 in the world exits me
 it's whistling
 just a thin, continuous airstream of fart
 that smells like grandpapas coffin
 >no sound other than the whistling hiss
 suddenly stops
 the hole is plugged
 SOS
 >this shit is so solid it feels like i'm giving
 anal birth to Dwayne "The rock" Johnson
 >hang on to the shower curtain and pray
 the rock is shot out of my asshole at
 mach speed
 >my entire ass is covered in toilet water
 >now the fun begins
 a fart that could do more damage to thee
 ozone layer than aerosol ever did is
 shooting shit bullets out of me
 solid and prefectly round nuggets
 the smell is killing me
 blacking out
 the thuds of nuggets shooting around the
 bowl propelled by my insane fiber
 flatulence is giving me war flashbacks
 iwasntevenin'nam.jpeg
 my guts are yelling in german
 sounds like a moose in heat lives in my
 belly
 most of the shit isn't even digested at this
 point
 just forced out by all the gas that had
 been building up to my throat
 after an hour it finally seems to be over
 sim shivering and crying
 both legs collapse as i try to stand up
 >my stomach hitting the bathroom tiles
 forces one last trumpet
 gondorcallsforaid.rar
 shakily wipe my ass
 completely clean
feniczoroark:

larjmarge:
itsperegrine:

the-mighty-birdy:


carolina-viking:

th3laugh1ngt0mat0:

carolina-viking:

Holy fucking shit I CANT BREATHE

I HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE


Pretty sure this has the most notes of any of my posts

gondorcallsforaid.rar


I’m in a ball on my bed with tears streaming down my face 

If I have to read this, so do you.


This is funnier than it should be

Omfg 
                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Cookies, Creepy, and God: themetaisawesome:

tsunasty:

deafonyourleft:

totallytrailbreaker:

skellydun:

rip santa.

Working in Retail in under 3 minutes

i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb

transcript:“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”


‘‘Tis the season 

        

            
            

                
                
                    Cookies, Creepy, and God: themetaisawesome:

tsunasty:

deafonyourleft:

totallytrailbreaker:

skellydun:

rip santa.

Working in Retail in under 3 minutes

i had to watch this like 5 times because of no captions but lmao if someone makes a transcript for this it would be bomb

transcript:“So we have these Santas at work, right, okay? We have black and we have white Santas. And they’re like creepy, five-foot tall, lifelike animatronic… like, Santas that hold plates of cookies and milk, and they kinda look like they could wake up and come to life and murder you in your sleep– and they don’t include batteries, but we have these Santas. Like nothing screams ‘festive holiday cheer’ like a big, hulking Santa. Um. Nothin’ will jingle your jangles more.So, um, this woman comes in and she’s like, “Do you have these?” and I’m like, “Oh my god, yeah!” So a couple weeks ago we sold out of our white Santas, and we are down to like, three black Santas. And so, I take her to the aisle, I show her the Santas, and the first thing out of her mouth is, “I’m not racist, but…” and I’m like, well, I can’t– I’m not in the position to decide if you are or not, but if like– if I could use context clues and infer, uh, I would say maybe that you might be. And three, we’re talking about Santa. Like– (stuttering) did we switch subjects?And so, um, I’m in like, I– the next thing that pops out of her mouth is like, “This is not right.” and I’m like, okay, I’m sorry, but this is what the picture was. And she’s like, “No. Santa is white.” And I’m like, oh no, okay. Okay. So I’m in– I’m about to tell her, I’m like, mid-sentence, like, “I’m sorry, do you want me to go call another store, do you need me to, like, write you a raincheck just in case we we get any more.” And she’s like, “This is wrong, I want them taken down.” She interrupts me, says that, and I’m like, (pause). I like, look around, and I’m like, is she talking to me? Is this, like, my own, like, personal hell? But like, of course it is.So, um, I’m like, “I can’t take these Santas down.” And she’s like, “Why not?!” And I’m like, “You either have to buy them, or take them down yourself.” And that was like, the stupidest thing I could have ever said, because– (sighs) she takes this bag, with like, Jesus’s face, like, slammed right in the middle as a design– it’s big– she takes it off her shoulder, and starts beating these black Santas! She starts beating these Santas down, they were like, falling down… and I’m like, oh my god! What– what is happening?So like, I step in the middle of her and these Santas and I’m like, “Ma’am, ma’am, you need to leave, you need to stop, or I’m going to have to call someone.” So she like, stops, and she’s like, beet red, and like, huffin’ and puffin’, and she like, looks at me and I can tell she’s just trying to get like, a one-liner in, and she’s like, “The Santa I know is white.” And then she walks away. And I’m like, well– I’m processing what’s happening, while also thinking, like, the Santa you know? Santa’s not real. So unless you’re using an ouija board to contact good old Kris Kringle, um, from like, B.C. or whenever, I’m like, that’s pretty impressive, but how ya doin’ that. And, um, I– the last thought that ran through my mind is that, I’m like, I would hate to be in the room with her when she finds out that Jesus is not white.”


‘‘Tis the season 

                    
                    

                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
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        Cute, Friday, and Fucking: Olivia, 20
 13 miles away
 ly just wenne smoke n watch t's always sunny
 venmo me and see what happens veomo
 sends $0.01 through Venmo
 Dont go spending that all in one plece
 Damn
 You're gonna make a gr8 sugar daddy
 prefer the term Splenda Daddy
 ou lnow, the cheaper knockoff sig
 Olivia, 20
 13 miles away
 rty just wana smoke n watch it's elways sunny
 venmo me $5 and see what heppens venmo
 My Anthem
 Afrca
 Thursday n
 Lol i see you updated your bio
 teel proud to have enacted change i
 this world
 Friday 3.01
 Smh
 Friday 247 PM
 How marny 5s heve you gotten so tar
 Fridky 314PM
 iry 728 PM
 5 is amateur hour
 Yaitre hells cute so yod should be
 asang for 6.st least
 just hoge that when you start raking
 in th 6 and 7 dolar donations, you71
 remember me, your financial advisor
 And offer o $0.20 kickback for my
 brsiant pan to bump up revenue
 Thats a 20 kkkback on each venma
 ransaction of course, maling up about
 Friday 845PM
 Smh
 Smart move,hoss7
 Or shaning money happlily
 Maybe it stood for "sure man. Hookup
 n which case I'm flatterod but I noed to
 be taken out ta dinner first
 Smh
 Sunny Marathon+Hash sounds great
 Oh my lord
 Friday mw
 And surely that stood for "On, Heppily
 Mondey, yours Leaf Or Resin Datrs?
 Omg
 You're wld
 I'm actuaty laughing
 Ugh your go to UNC
 No wonder. Youre a nerd
 l don't fuck w nerds
 What's your major
 Nord?
 On raduateơ now but studied usus"
 nerd stult.. Test tuibes and the ske
 bout yoa
 Smh
 Jesus is a pratty interesing major
 Fucking nerd
 riday 1D 57 PM
 t you're lucky we can both ba fuciking
 nerd this weokend
 riday TSA PM
 Fine fine you studied Jesus so you can
 be nim, hi be christ and then we'E have
 us jesus fucking cheist
 Shake my damn heed
 o that's a new one but Pe do it, whot
 else do you ilke in bed
 Oh my god
 Thets weird, usunty the giris dontsay
 that untbi raftert we're going at it
 ody 10 29 AM
 Jesus christ
 You are a giant fucking nerd
 And It's kind of endearing not gonna
 le
 ypo s message
Overcoming great odds
        

            
            

                
                
                    Cute, Friday, and Fucking: Olivia, 20
 13 miles away
 ly just wenne smoke n watch t's always sunny
 venmo me and see what happens veomo
 sends $0.01 through Venmo
 Dont go spending that all in one plece
 Damn
 You're gonna make a gr8 sugar daddy
 prefer the term Splenda Daddy
 ou lnow, the cheaper knockoff sig
 Olivia, 20
 13 miles away
 rty just wana smoke n watch it's elways sunny
 venmo me $5 and see what heppens venmo
 My Anthem
 Afrca
 Thursday n
 Lol i see you updated your bio
 teel proud to have enacted change i
 this world
 Friday 3.01
 Smh
 Friday 247 PM
 How marny 5s heve you gotten so tar
 Fridky 314PM
 iry 728 PM
 5 is amateur hour
 Yaitre hells cute so yod should be
 asang for 6.st least
 just hoge that when you start raking
 in th 6 and 7 dolar donations, you71
 remember me, your financial advisor
 And offer o $0.20 kickback for my
 brsiant pan to bump up revenue
 Thats a 20 kkkback on each venma
 ransaction of course, maling up about
 Friday 845PM
 Smh
 Smart move,hoss7
 Or shaning money happlily
 Maybe it stood for "sure man. Hookup
 n which case I'm flatterod but I noed to
 be taken out ta dinner first
 Smh
 Sunny Marathon+Hash sounds great
 Oh my lord
 Friday mw
 And surely that stood for "On, Heppily
 Mondey, yours Leaf Or Resin Datrs?
 Omg
 You're wld
 I'm actuaty laughing
 Ugh your go to UNC
 No wonder. Youre a nerd
 l don't fuck w nerds
 What's your major
 Nord?
 On raduateơ now but studied usus"
 nerd stult.. Test tuibes and the ske
 bout yoa
 Smh
 Jesus is a pratty interesing major
 Fucking nerd
 riday 1D 57 PM
 t you're lucky we can both ba fuciking
 nerd this weokend
 riday TSA PM
 Fine fine you studied Jesus so you can
 be nim, hi be christ and then we'E have
 us jesus fucking cheist
 Shake my damn heed
 o that's a new one but Pe do it, whot
 else do you ilke in bed
 Oh my god
 Thets weird, usunty the giris dontsay
 that untbi raftert we're going at it
 ody 10 29 AM
 Jesus christ
 You are a giant fucking nerd
 And It's kind of endearing not gonna
 le
 ypo s message
Overcoming great odds
                    
                
            

            
            
        

    

    

        
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                                    Ariana Grande's New Breakup Anthem "Thank U, Next" Turns Into a Perfect Meme
                                
                            

                            
                        

                    
                
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                                
                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
                                    Duolingo memes are here to remind you to practice your Spanish
                                
                            

                            
                        

                    
                
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                                
                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
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                                    What Are the Secrets to Creating Social Media-Friendly Videos That Sell? Here Are 5 Answers.
                                
                            

                            
                        

                    
                
            
                
                    
                        

                            

                                
                            

                            
                            

                                
                                    “Bird Box”: More than a meme, but still derivative