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Adam Driver, Being Alone, and Apparently: benisasoftboi In Which I Explain The Entirety of Star Wars, Despite Being Very Much Unqualified To Do So I have only seen one Star Wars movie it was The Last Jedi. I saw it, with no context, two years ago in theatres when it first came out. I was very surprised to find out that it made a lot of people very angry, because I quite liked it, as did the friends I saw it with. I can't say I remember much though All the rest of my Star Wars knowledge comes from its generally inescapable nature in the pop cultural zeitgeist. I might have seen a bit of Episode 6, which I don't know the name of, when I was round a friend's house once, but I was very tired, and it was about a decade ago anyway. That's just some context for my lack of qualifications to do this. My friend said should still do it anyway. I will not be looking anything up as I write this, so all spelling mistakes and other general errors are mine. So anyway -The Entirety of Star Wars: Original Trilogy There is a guy called Luke. He is played by Mark Hamill and he is George Lucas's self insert. He lives on a planet where there is only sand, because in this universe all planets have only one terrain, I think. He drinks milk. The milk might be blue. A guy played by Liam Neeson finds Luke. I think this guy's name is probably Obi Wan Kenobi, but I might have that wrong. At some point he will die tragically and it will be formative for Luke, but then he will also come back as a ghost. Ghostss exist in this universe. Possibly Luke has known this guy for a long time or possibly he is a stranger, I am not sure. Somehow they end up on a spaceship Luke needs to learn how to use magic powers called the Force, which seems to be mostly telekinesis, and also lets him use a really fancy but probably impractical sword called a lightsaber that shoots blue or sometimes green or sometimes red light. This is called Jedi training. Jedi Knight is a religion. You can claim to be one on the census in the real world. They seem to be really serious people despite having a silly name Everyone also has guns that go 'pew pew pew' and nerds get really mad when you make fun of that Luke will meet many colourful and interesting people on his journey. These include: A woman played by Carrie Fisher who is also his twin sister but he doesn't know that until after they kiss. Her name is Leia or maybe Laia. She has silly hair. At one point she wears a slave bikini because she's enslaved to a gelatinous blob because that's just how it goes when you're the woman in a 70s sci-fi movie A guy called Han Solo because he is Edgy and Does Things Solo. He and Leia have a romance and it's Drama. He also has a spaceship that people will build very impressive lego replicas of. He dresses like a cowboy. I'm 90% that he is played by Harrison Ford A bunch of walking teddy bears called Ewoks who can kill you and live in a jungle A guy called Lando Calrissian who think wears fancy clothes and that's all know about him, he might actually be a villain I'm not sure. He might die? A little blue robot who hid behind some rocks one time and then in the re- release he hid behind more rocks than before and the fans got Mad A big gold robot who is nervous and gay and might be gay for the little blue robot, like they might be married but that also might be a meme l'm not certain A weird green goblin thing called Yoda who makes Luke carry him around and speaks in broken English that annoying people have spent the last thirty years imitating. He dies, but then is a ghost so it doesn't matter really A guy called Boba Fett who is a bounty hunter. I genuinely have no clue how he fits in to all of this. He might not actually be from Star Wars, maybe I'm mixing him up with something else. Luke is also trying to fight the Evil Darth Vader who works for an Evil CGI Emperor of the Evil Empire. They live on a big spaceship called the Death Star and it looks like a moon but isn't and people think it's funny when you point that out for some reason. They are the Dark Side, which makes them easy to root against because they're just cartoonishly evil guess. I think they are also bureaucrats. They have Stormtroopers, who might be brainwashed people or might just be robots, or might even be clones. They all wear identical white armour with helmets so people don't care when they get shot. Kinda like fencers. Darth Vader is actually Luke's father and this is a twist except not anymore. This means he is also Leia's father, I'm not sure if she knew. Also Luke loses his arm. Darth Vader gets redeemed and then dies but also takes down the Evil CGI Emperor with him. I don't know what happens in any of the movies,but I know that the first one ends with them getting plans for or from Leia, not sure. the second one has the dad twist, and the third one has ghosts. Also they blow up the Death Star by shooting a garbage chute really hard. Prequels These movies are widely disliked. The first one has too much bureaucracy. They are about Darth Vader's backstory. He used to be a guy called Anakin. He will Become Evil. He will also meet many colourful characters. They include: His love interest, who is called Padme. She wears a silly hat and dies of a combination of Childbirth and Sadness. I saw this bit happen one time when I was a kid and I was stuck round my mum's friend's house and her son was playing through this part in the LEGO game. It was sad A guy with a red face whose name might be Maul and has robot legs? A guy called Jar Jar Binks who everyone seems to simultaneously hate and feel a desperate need to make sex jokes about Angry Jedi People Probably some robots Anakin hates sand and is pretty but grumpy. His hatred of sand is what will prevent him from finding Luke in the original movies. He falls in a volcano and gets turned into a robot man and it's very dramatic. He has an angry red lightsaber. He murders a bunch of children by executing Order 66. Or maybe that was in the first set of movies I don't know. I'm not sure how they made three of these movies, there doesn't seem to be much to them. Also there is something called 'mitoclorians' and I don't know what they are but they make nerds Very Mad. Expanded Universe There was an expanded universe, but Disney said it wasn't canon when they bought the rights, so now it isn't. If I were a Star Wars fan, I would not take this lying down, because what right does Disney have to say what's canon? Why is it up to the copyright holders? They are a corporation, not a writer. Expanded universes are always really fun and full of wacky nonsense that would never get put in the mainline stuff. I don't like it when people try to dismiss them. Stand Alone Movies When the new trilogy started, they also made some stand alone films. They were called Rogue One and Solo. Rogue One is about a woman named Gin or Jinn or Jin or Ginne or - I wish I hadn't restricted myself to not looking anything up - Urso. The spelling doesn't matter because she dies. So does everyone else. Then Darth Vader shows up. Solo is about Han Solo and his friends and they have an adventure and there's a robot who wants robot rights but she dies so no one has to address the slavery thing. Also apparently it was going to be a comedy but got reshot as a drama. I hope I never watch it because that sounds terrible, even as much as I like Donald Glover who I think is in it probably. I think his character might have been in love with the dead robot. Sequel Trilogy These movies are about a girl called Rey She makes nerds mad by existing and being the protagonist. She is Space British. She is a scavenger and is friends with a really cute little orange robot. Somehow she ends up in space. She starts hanging out with Older Leia's crew, which include a pilot named Poe Dameron and a guy called Finn, but I don't know why he's there. People ship them with each other, and also with Rey. The other person people ship Rey with is Kylo Ren, whoI call Space Zuko because when I saw The Last Jedi, he showed up and I was like 'oh, it's Zuko from Avatar: The Last Airbender but in space', because he has bad hair and is angry about his Daddy Issues. I hope in the next movie he gets better hair and fewer Daddy Issues like Real Zuko did. A lot of people get really angry about Rey and Space Zuko being shipped together, but they're still the most popular ship on AO3. So no matter what happens in the next one, nerds are going to be mad about it, and I am not looking forward to it. Kylo Ren killed his dad, Han Solo, because he was radicalised to be evil for reasons I don't know. The guy who runs the New Evil Group, which is called the First Order, is an ugly CGI guy called Snoke. It was apparently a Big Twist that Kylo kills him Last Jedi, and it made nerds really mad. I don't understand why people were surprised, because when I saw the movie, I saw that guy and was like 'oh he's gonna get killed by Space Zuko because that would be Drama and also from a production standpoint having a guy who needs lots of special effects is much more difficult than just having Adam Driver wear a scary mask' and then I was right so maybe I'm smarter than all the nerds. There is also a guy called Hux and he is a ginger. I think he is evil. The other thing people got really mad about was that Rey's parents were not established characters. People wanted her dad to be Luke, I think, who is in Last Jedi. I was happy about this because I like Mark Hamill. He spent the movie teachina her about the force while they hang out on an island with a race of merchandising opportunities called Porgs. He dies at the end but he might be in the next one as a ghost anyway Also there was a girl called Rose and people decided that not liking the character meant they could be mean to the actress, which is not true and everyone who was mean to her should be ashamed There was another woman as well, but I don't remember her name, she had purple hair and was serious and I have no idea if she was good or evil. Kylo Ren's real name is Ben which is not very sci-fi. Maybe that's why he changed it. Though come to think, Luke isn't a very sci-fi name either. Anyway, that's everything I know about Star Wars. Feel free to ask me questions about Star Wars and have me try to answer. Do not, under any circumstances, try to actually explain Star Wars to me. I'm much happier as is, thank you very much Star Wars, as explained by someone who has never seen Star Wars (long)

Star Wars, as explained by someone who has never seen Star Wars (long)

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Adam Sandler, Birthday, and Crazy: Yesterday at 11:35 I ummed and ahhed about posting this, if this doesn't apply to you, please don't feel attacked by it in anyway... but tbh I'm still absolutely fumin'. Pissed off is not the word. Grrr. So mad at sum ppl. Carnt take them no more To the "absolute nutter" comedy genius that it may concern I know you're "crazy". I know people always say you are an "utter loon". I know when you go to work at your dad's company sometimes you wear a funny tie, or odd socks. I know you do hilarious pranks and everyone says you're mental" That's not all I know about you I know your mates "think you are a legend". And I know you call your mates things like whatever their first name is followed by -meister, or whatever their second name is followed by -ski I know it is only a matter of time that Perrier send you an award for comedy and know you only have to wait for the call to do the Radio 1 breakfast show because you know you'd be brilliant, and I also know it would just be too "mad" for some people to cope with I realise you are basically a chilled out entertainer, and that's great, I'm happy for you But listen: I would REALLY like the 6" R2D2 you stole from my dj stand last Saturday. If you could also ask around, I'd appreciate the return of the 3.3/4" vintage Lando Calrissian figure that went on the Sunday, the week before. Hopefully on the way home it didn't drop out of your pocket whilst you were putting traffic cones on statues, or snapping off peoples windscreen wipers with the perfect timing and delivery of a latter day Richard Pryor; because here's the thing I've had Star Wars stuff on my dj stand for 23 years, and whilst it's undoubtedly the single funniest thing that's ever happened, you are (in the case of Lando, the first, and in the case of R2..) only the second person who's ever broken that 4th wall and stolen something It IS funny It WAS brilliant I can picture the standing ovation you got after carrying out this edgy, avant garde piece of satirical magnificence; but still, now the applause has died down, and the high fives have ended, I'd really like it back. Financially, it isn't really worth much. Honestly. I've got several of each However, here's the thing, these Star Wars figures are actually worth more than anything you'll ever own, because they belong to ME. Similarly, they are better than any of the Adam Sandler DVDs or Mrs Browns Boys collectors scripts you've got, because they belong to ME Finally and this is actually really important, these were given to me as gifts Now, I know that seems strange, because all the gifts you receive are generic things from the "gift ideas" section at Boots, but imagine if I came to your dad's company and stole that Singing Tommy Trout you got for your 18th birthday, or that solar powered dancing bobble head Queen your first girlfriend gave you after staying together since secondary school (before she eventually left you for your former best mate, also from school, Joneseyo, total bastard but funny bloke used to get all your jokes). Exactly, you'd be unhappy. So, if you could go over the the shelf where you've got you two plastic Wednesday night corporate League runners up 5-a-side trophies, move the copy of Peter Kay's autobiography, and retrieve my R2 (or Lando, whichever you ended up with), please bring it to The Foundry Project tonight, we will have an absolute laugh. I'll call you the renegade of comedy, and we need never speak of it agairn And maybe in future, I dunno, don't steal stuff from people who are working whilst you are out having a good time? Just a thought Commen re nd 88 others You 9 shares Brilliant post! Hope it works ke Reply More on Put up missing posters and offer requests as a reward eply More ied ep es This is a post by a DJ i know, his posts are incredible. Comedy undertones.
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99 Problems, Bad, and Beer: 1. Bad Error 313: Disconnect 52. Hide Yo Kids Hide Yo WiFi 53. 2 Girls, 1 Router 54. Satan Rocks My Socks 55. Yummy 56. Blue M&Ms 57. Free CeX 58. Occam's Router 59. Wi believe I can Fi 60. Help, I'm Trapped in a Router! 61. Series of Tubes 62. A LANnister Always Surfs The Net 2. YourBabyIsReallyUgly 3. 4. Unprotected CeX 5. Abraham Linksys 6. The Wireless-G Spot 7. Bill BiBill! BiBill! 8. LANdo Calrissian 9. Bill Wi, the Science Fi 10. Guys Please Stop Fighting 11. I Have WiFi And You Don't 12. Feel Like Flying 13. I Can Haz Wireless? 14. Internet Costs $ 15. Go Go Gadget Internet 16. Go Home Tourists 17. Caitlin Stop Using Our Internet ! 18. You Kids Get Off My LAN 19. Friendly Neighborhood Spider-LAN 20. TellMyWifiLoveHer 21. NoFreeSoGetStuffed 22. My Own Damn Internet 23. BuyAnotherCupYouCheapSkate 24. Hogwarts Great Hall WiFi 25, Network Not Found 26. DHARMA Initiative Station 4 (for Lost fans)77. Pretty Fly For A Wi-Fi 27. You Pay Now 28. I'm Under Your Bed 29. Child Toucher 30. Click Here for Viruses 31. A Van Down By The River 32. Bring Beer And Women To 40.2 33. Ouch...sat on my nutz 34, IveSeen YouNaked 35. Really, asshole? Curry again? 36. All Your Bandwidth Belong to Us 37. Wu-Tang LAN 38. Pretty Fly for a Wi-Fi 39. Router, I Hardly Know Her 40. Protected CeX 41. Troy and Abed in the Modem 42. NoFreeInternetHereKeepLooking 43. Virus Infected WiFi 44. SlowInternetSlowFap 45. I Pronounce you Man and WiFi 46. LANDownUnder 47. Will U Marry Me? 48. I'm cheating on my WiFi 49, Two Girls One Router 50, Silence of the LAN 51, Total Hear 64. Our Internet Is Faster Than Yours 65. It Burns When IP 66. YourDogShitsInMyYard 67. Don't Touch My Daughter 68. Use This One Mom 69. Skynet Global Defense Network 70. Please Connect for Identity Theft 71. This Is Not Free Either 72. The Net starring Sandra Bullock 73. Super Thanks For Asking 74. Virus Distribution Center 75. LAN of Milk and Honey 76. FBI Surveillance Van #594 78. Get off My LAN! 79. Ermahgerd, Wi-Fi! 80. New England Clam Router 81. Y No You Get WiFi 82. I'm Under Your Bed 83. I'm Touching Your Daughter-g... 84. The LAN Before Time 85. 404 Network Unavailable 86. 2Girls1DormRoom 87. Mom, Click Here for Internet 88. Router? I hardly knew her! 89. Look Ma, No Wires! 90. I am the Internet, AMA 91. Keep it on the Download 92. 99 problems, but WiFi ain't one 93. Searching... 94. Drop it like it's Hotspot 95. WI-FIght the inevitable? 96. Get Your Own Damn Internet 97. We Use Sky22981 To Download Pron 98. God Is Our Rock. He'll Save You! 99. Call Me Maybe 100. My Neighbors Suck 101. The Promised LAN 102. Wi-Fi Network? Why Not Zoidberg?
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Adam Driver, Carrie Fisher, and Chewbacca: Cast [edit ] See also: List of Star Wars characters and List of Star Wars cast members Daisy Ridley as Rey, 8] a Jedi, and Force-sensitive young woman; the last apprentice to Luke Skywalker Adam Driver as Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order,[8] born Ben Solo, the son of Leia Organa and Han Solo . John Boyega as Finn,8 a stormtrooper who has defected to the Resistance Oscar Isaac as Poe Dameron, 8 an X-wing pilot, and commander of the Resistance Lupita Nyong'ol1 as Maz Kanata, former space pirate and ally of the Resistance . Domhnall Gleeson!11 as General Hux, the First Order's second-in-command Kelly Marie Tran!1l as Rose Tico, a technician in the Resistance . Joonas Suotamol11 as Chewbacca, a Wookiee and first mate of the Millennium Falcon Billie Lourd1l as Lieutenant Connix, an officer in the Resistance and ally of Poe Dameron Naomi Ackiel] as Jannah . Richard E. Grant . Keri Russell[9) Mark Ha as Luke Skywalker, the last Jedi Master, who is a Force ghost after dyingl10] Anthony Daniels as C-3PO, a humanoid protocol droid in the service of General Leia Organa Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian an old friend of Han, Luke, Leia, and Chewbacca, a gambler and veteran of the Rebel Alliance Carrie Fisher as Leia Organa, bl leading general of the Resistance and Luke's twin sister lan McDiarmid 13] as Sheev Palpatine / Darth Sidious / The Senate, the former emperor of the Galactic Empire, who seemingly died in Return of the Jed Additionally, Dominic Monaghan was cast in an undisclosed role.[14] Brian Herring returns to puppeteer BB-8, 15] and Jimmy Vee and Greg Grunberg reprise their roles as R2-D2 and Temmin "Snap" Wexley, respectively.[(16] (SPOILER) Which one of you did this

(SPOILER) Which one of you did this

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Jedi, Luke Skywalker, and Princess Leia: In Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker gives Lando Calrissian a subtle nod. This is a subtle nod to the subtle nod Bobba Fett had given Princess Leia earlier in the film.

In Return of the Jedi, Luke Skywalker gives Lando Calrissian a subtle nod. This is a subtle nod to the subtle nod Bobba Fett had given Princ...

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