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America, Ass, and England: tumblr Follow priscellie later-homenuggets my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia amour-vengeance if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fhy from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? lumoslouis wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit kennilworthy-thisp It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. happyvegetable Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes millshouse why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called "swooping season" and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it's fucking brutal. sociopathic-italian-grandmas My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. gallifrey-feels no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange ecnamor-lacimehc-ym what the actual fuck australia priscellie I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke seananmcguire Nope Went there Parrots tried to take our car Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY 587,061 notes Now thats just fowl play
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America, Apparently, and Ass: zornsable: reversingyourpolarity: elidyce: seananmcguire: priscellie: ecnamor-lacimehc-ym: gallifrey-feels: sociopathic-italian-grandmas: millshouse: meganiun: happyvegetable: kennilworthy-thisp: derinthemadscientist: lumoslouis: soloontherocks: amour-vengeance: later-homenuggets: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait.  you mean to tell me this isn’t even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? wake up australia  That’s what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit It’s cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they’re going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called “swooping season” and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it’s fucking brutal. My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. no but when you’re 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual fuck australia  I am pretty sure all of these Australia stories are a massive, globally-spanning trolling effort, and only the people who have visited the country are allowed to be in on the joke. Nope. Went there. Parrots tried to take our car. Came home IN A FUCKING HURRY. Interesting thing about magpies - they’re not great at identifying individual humans visually, but if you make yourself identifiable in some way they’re usually open to reason. We used to have some very aggressive swoopers in our back yard - as soon as they realised that the humans *inside* the fence never bothered them and were the source of the delicious compost heap, they turned into flying black and white guard dogs who would viciously assault any passing stranger but never bothered anyone inside the yard. Several times they swooped at us when we approached from outside, then when we walked into the yard they would pull up and act incredibly apologetic like sorry ma’am I had no idea it was you I would never please don’t stop stocking the food pile. There was another little group of magpies in the park who would attack any solo pedestrian but never bothered anyone walking a dog or pushing a pram, because apparently those were identifiable traits indicating a non-threatening human. In the spirit of inquiry, I started going out of my way to be polite to the magpies - carefully walking a wide arc around them when they were on the ground, etc - and emitting an identifiable call of ‘hello birdie’ before swooping season started.  I spent the next ten years crossing that park at least once a day and as long as I turned at the first flutter of wings and said ‘hello birdie’ to the magpie waiting to attack as soon as my back was turned, I was fine. Every time, the magpie would stare at me for a minute and then fly off to harass some other pedestrian because apparently the magpies and I, we were cool.  Parrots are a lot less open to negotiation, and the little bastards travel in flocks. Beware the parrots.  Australia: the only country where it is necessary to sign a peace treaty with the birds in order to stay unmangled. They did lose the Emu War, after all.
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Be Like, Bless Up, and Chill: When you're a good boy on vacation and your owners let you up on the hotel bed @DrSmashlove (Sound on 🔊) My reaction when I meet a girl at a bar and she take me back to her crib afterward and her room surprisingly actually tidy and the bed is made and there isn’t laundry everywhere 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂😂 “wowwwwww smash with the FOULNESS today FIRST of all SOME LADIES WORK. A JOB. WE LEAVE QUICKLY AND CANT MAKE THE BED. WE GOTTA APPLY MAKE UP. WE GOTTA DO HAIR. WE GOTTA LOOK PRESENTABLE. U AINT GOT THAT STRESS. HALF THE MEN I WORK WITH DONT EVEN BATHE IN THE AM WITCHOE PERSNICKETY DEMANDING A$$ IF 👏 U 👏 SO 👏 DEMANDING 👏 THEN 👏 MAKE 👏 MY 👏 BED 👏 THEN 👏 LAY 👏 IN 👏 IT 👏 D!CKFACE 👏. LOOKIN A$$ 😤.” Yep. Like I said baby. Make ya bed “IT TAKE ONLY THREE MINUTE” *my haunting mama’s voice* BLESS UP 😍😂😂 [Editor’s Note: shout to u ladies who be like “WELL. I really want you to come up 😌. But my place is a mess LOL!” Me: *shannon sharpe voice* “THAT AIN NO PRAHBLEM! That ain’t no problem 😊.” Girl: “LOL OKAYYYY NO JUDGING THO! Lolol!” Me: *judges vigorously in secret* 🤗😂. Second editor’s note: “wowwwww smash is a h0e and not only that a judgmental h0e where did this come from? He was fake woke?!! Guess he’s just another worthless man now.” Me: y’all really need to chill and let me off the leash occasionally all my sisters is brilliant and they all got careers and guess what, busy women ain’t trying to impress no cot damn man sometimes u gotta do a catch-up clean on the wknd LET ME TEASE YALL SOMETIMES I AM STILL AN ALLY LMAO SOMETIMES I JUST GOT JOKES ALSO THE h0e LABEL REALLY DO BE HURTING MY FEELINGS I PREFER ‘sensually exploratory by disposition’ (SEBD) THAT MAKE ME FEEL A LIL BETTER BLESS BLESS 👏 UP 👏😂😂😂]
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America, Ass, and England: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait. you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit up a lite bitn It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called swooping season and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it's fucking brutal My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual fuck australia Hard NOPE. 0/10 would not Australia
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America, Ass, and England: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky shit motherfucking australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait. you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that in australia, you have wild birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of fucking shit up? fucking HELL australia, what is wrong with you? wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and fuck shit up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit up a lite bitn It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called swooping season and these birds will fly down to peck your fucking face, and people get their eyes ripped out and shit, it's fucking brutal My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us. no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches and shit sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual fuck australia Hard NOPE. 0/10 would not Australia
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America, Ass, and England: my friend left her window open in her bedroom and came back to find this look at his self-satisfied little face, the cheeky S..t motherf*king australia if there was a post to describe australia, this is it wait. you mean to tell me this isn't even a pet bird? that birds that just fly from house to house with the express purpose of f *king s t up? f king HELL australia, what is wrong with you? in australia, you have wild wake up australia That's what birds do They fly around and f k st up Do you have some kind of mysterious nice birds in your weird foreign country Do birds in America and England fly into your house and make the bed and tidy up the living room a little bit It's cold here, so they just bounce off the windows and lie there and twitch spasmodically while you look for the shovel. Basically hurling themselves at windows is the worst thing birds do yeah man a kookaburra literally flew into a classroom at my high school and just sat his smug ass down on top of the desk for a good 20 minutes why has nobody mentioned the fact that in australia there are 3-4 months a year where everybody just accepts that they're going to get attacked by magpies. It is literally called swooping season" and these birds will fly down to peck your f*. king face, and people get their eyes ripped out it's brutal My teacher had to go to hospital and have surgery because of swooping season. It was in the parking lot of school and all the kids would do a mad dash towards the car as the magpies tried to kill us no but when you're 12 years old and riding your bike like mad on the way home from school with an icecream bucket on your head with like branches sticking out if it to scare them off and none of this is considered strange what the actual f*+k australia Australia will fuck you upomg-humor.tumblr.com
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