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Apple, Bad, and Beard: m4ge i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream avantgaye you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said "i have 5 kids" witchcraft-with-space-bean I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said "I just don't care". We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again. anais-ninja-blog new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks katjohnadams Actual conversation I had at register: "Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can get you, today?" "How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?" "- I'm sorry?" "A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?" "Oh, uh. Well, it'd be I suppose... I only have a button for a Quad. I don't have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single... drink." "Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many 'add shots' is that?" *deep breath of fear* "It'd be a quad with clears throat* "uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma'am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-" Taste means nothing to me." At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being. "Oh. Well, okay." I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. "We can certainly get that for you! The price will be She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it "Do you still have the 'Add Energy' packets?" My heart began to race at this request. "Yes ma'am. "How many can I add?" Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. "For health reasons, we won't add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually." "One then" I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was.. not something to be spoken aloud. My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. "No. The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone expect of Admirals in bad movies, "Yes." My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena's of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring The barista was damn near shaking. This woman's gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place. Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup. Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left knew nothing more of her after that When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about "The Company as if we'd never I, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, "Yeah, I had one like that." agingwunderkind Imade a five shot Americano for someone back in my barista days, and I thought HE was insane, now I'm just agog. jumpingjacktrash the venti espresso woman was definitely dragon throwmeinboys i dont know WHY but expresso is the only good coffee, everything else is compost water doyouhearthunder @phantom-tastic weirdest customer story? phantom-tastic We used to have this absolutely massive russian man come in every once in a while and order a grande americano with 7 shots of espresso (reg has 3) and it physically pained me to make it every time. Ive had my fair share of everything-but-the- ppuccino orders. Pec kitchen-sink would ask us to blend 2, even 3 bananas into their drink... someone asked me to blend a chocolate chunk cookie into theirs once? It wasn't half bad. But my favourite weird customer is The Garlic Man. The past couple of months this man has come into our store, absolutely REEKING of raw garlic. He has a salt and pepper beard and an Indiana Jones hat. Orders "An Apple Chai". That's not a drink, at least not in sbux Canada. He explains to me it's a chai tea latte where you substitute the hot water for steamed apple juice. We make it. He has a southern accent so I ask him if he's visiting someone for the holidays. Under his breath and with his eyes darting both ways he says "Yeah you could say Im gonna be here for a while.." Sits down at the long table in the cafe, where people are working on their laptops. He discreetly proceeds to pull out, from his bag, a chopping board. And some garlic. And a knife. He dices up his own garlic in the cafe and then eats it. We look on in horror He comes back and does this 2 or 3 more times before we never see him again. doyouhearthunder Yeah, that guy was definitely a vampire hunter. Source: m4ge 385,292 notes Snort Some Coffee
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Af, Bad, and Beard: wanna play Dungeons & Dragons! -FUN POLICE YOU SUCK- Yay! Why do you wanna play High Adventure Pop Fantasy? I don't like fantasy And now we are You don't wanna play D&D, you want to Elves are dumb just wanna do this RPG thing playing Vampyre I hope you're happy SRYSLY lets be vampires n shit play something else wanna go on adventures! I want to be a special snowflake Can I be someone from Lord of the Rings or something? Every hero is special. What makes you special? Sure, I like the classic fantasy races Ugh, FINE. What makes you so damn special then? Actually Tolkein is a hack. Gimme something DIFFERENT Uh, I'm an elf or something? Uh, I dunno, just make me not an elf, dwarf, angel, devil or something done 100 times before okay? anyways What's on the inside. And my sword And my magic Me too! I want to be a I'm DARK and MISUNDERSTOOD motherfucking dragon and there's no true FIINE RIGHT or WRONG HUMAN WAAAAlT PHB Stout Wow. That's helpful. s Animal Person weird enough for you? Seriously, you could just like, be a dark and brooding white Make me hardy Halfling Subrace You can't be a dragon Yeah, I guess you're right UGH Gross no, I said SPECIAL Not done yet. Want to be slightly dwarfy, or nimbl dude Cool, off-brand HALFLING would like to maintain some semblance of gravitas Hobbit PHB Sure. More of the Gentle Nature Giant or STRONK MEN Alright, are you only r extremely silly? It's called Dungeons & Dragons you wangrod Lightfoot Nice! Wanna be Make me nimble a bit silly -Kid-sized please!- s there a Big Size? human sized or tiny? Halfling Subrace EVERYTHING IS No, I wear the darkness on my sleeve MAGIC AND GLITTER Can I have a bit of dark humor? Lain't no pedo You can be a woodsy I AM A Uh, like a furry? FINE PICK YOUR FAVORITE COLOR GNOME | the Forest Gnome s this just a magic hobbit? trickster or Ugh, just get out MAGIC world to see Gnome Subrace PHB Pls be gentl. MUSHROOM steampunk tinkerer POOMP DE MOOSCLES Can I be a Giant? Mountain Gnome LETS MAKE TOYS YAY Sure, but we're getting less classic Gnome Subrace FIRBOLG Lithe 'n' Pretty, or Noooo000000 lemme be a Dragon! GOLIATH Uh, I don't like these options Actually more of a horse thing for me CENTAUR Short 'n' Swole? now GGIR Are you a furry? FORGET THE TOYS No but birds are cool Okay, well we got options. First off, are you actually kind of misunderstood DRAGONBORN WE MUST GOO DEEPER Close enough This isn't a dragon Do u even lift bro? feel pretty No problem lets move over here Actually I'm a Scalie OwO Okay Fine Wait, now it gets complicated. Is magic or nature more important to you? Deep Gnome Wait does this come kid-sized? ELF DWARF No one gets me, especially my Mom -Wait I don't want to be short- Gnome Subrace Yay I'm done! PHB You know what, I was the monster all along AARAKOCRA Elemental Evil I just wanna soar in the air majestic and free By Thorin's beard. time to drink ale and axe things! sigh* WHATS YOUR FURSONA Majestic Eagle or Obnoxious Corvid? f this is right Wait, none Elves are and always will be badass treehuggers Motherfucker I'm MADE of Magic CAW CAW MOTHERFUCKER КОBOLD KENKU So, are you hardier like the hills, or High Elf Wood Elf What? Fine. What's Volos the problem? Elf Subrace Elf Subrace stronger like stone? Great! First off. how Fun-sized evil it is Can't spell Slaughter_ without Laughter do you feel about comic relief? How do you feel about Scales? Cat! Meow Cow! Moo! Neither, I'm angry and kind of an asshole Elephant... uh... .none of the others? Hardy n Hilly! Nay Stone is Strength! am actually an emotionless lizard person I'm the DARK AND BADASS Alright, why do version of some poncy elf, dwarf, or other wussy fantasy goody two shoes GOBLIN Do you think this is funny? people misunderstand you Volos Right. Sorry. What is power to you? LOXADON TABAXI MINOTAUR SHIFTER I wanted to be Dark and Brooding Hill Dwarf Mountain Dwarf Duegar Can I be only KIND OF Elf-v? GGIR Volos GGtR Eberron Aren't Elves Faeries? Make me goddamn weird and Fev When I said Elf meant like, Dwarf Subrace Dwarf Subrace Dwarf Subrace lermaids I'm strong but instead of cheery dwarfness you got mean dwarfness Strength Intellect I've got sinister horns and look like the devil Eladrin Sea Elf Drow HALF-ELF Elf Subrace Elf Subrace Elf Subrace One of my parents is from a species that is thought to be brutish and cruel Are you just looking weird's this Doint? Cool, we actually have those if you picked that path earlier you edgelord I'm quick and lithe, like an elf but DARK you're right. Let's stick to something at least- a bit familiar I SAID DARK AND BROODING Fire Genasi Yeah, Fuck vou Genasi Subrace ean st Wanna be magical and pretty Like Ted Cruz. Neat. I was once holy HALF-ORC TIEFLING MOTHERFUCKING DRAGON So wrlat scales we talking? but now I've FALLEN FROM GRACE PHB PHE Shadar-Kai Well, there's only one REAL choice. Genies are Elf Subrace Ugh fine. One of your a genie parents Let's Captain Planet this shit GENASI elemental, so pick an Yeah that works Surprise attacks, or But a bit of strength is needed too right? To conquer? Elemental Evil element Alright. Are you half monstrous or hali 100% human i lame. Can I be part fantasy? I dunno just general reptiles I guess Nah, give me some monster blood! Rock Hard Ugh what is it on because vou're Snek baby We ail float Actually I wanted down here to be Aquaman not a coward magical and pretty? Genies? Get that Face them head on, I'm no coward! Deception is the ulimate weapon Uh, just give me a touch, just enough to make it nuanced Will Smith shit out of my face Protector Scourge Fallen owardly Tactical prowess Earth Genasi LIZARDFOLK Air Genasi Water Genasi I'm just lazy Aasimar Subrace Aasimar Subrace Aasimar Subrace marks a keen mind Genasi Subrace Genasi Subrace Genasi Subrace Volos Seriously? How about multiverse YUAN-TI Alright so I can explode heads, with my mind right? Okay, that's pretty fucking out there GITH Yup! Do you want to go part of the way, or all the way And you will know My name is the Lord when I lay My vengeance upon thee MtoF plane hoppers? That's just ugly elves with mind powers Oh, lets go 100% monster Wait, what's this Intelligence penalty? I don't want backpedal a bit and be a bit Oh I wanna be an angel -but not like goody two shoes A BAD ANGEL You know, light. goodness yadda yadda Not quite. Anyways More choices! What be stupid,can ORC BUGBEAR НОBGOBLIN Gith come in two kind of angel? Volos flavors Blue hairless vulcan perfectionists? Like this isn't even DnD more heroic? VEDALKEN -Fine you got me GGR Big anymore WE ARE IMMORTAL WE ARE CONQUERERS WE ARE GITH Zen as fuck Kung Fu as Fuck Forge Chaos into Reality Fuck off Tieflings! Can I be a classic Monster? Big version or Small Version? Small Vulcans are just space elves These fuckers are just milktoast af Can I be an animal person? Uncommon Races! What sounds appealing to you? Githyanki Githzerai We're on a mission from God AASIMAR Gith Subrace Gith Subrace Volos OKAY YOU HAVE TENTACLES AND MUTATIONS AND YOU'RE LITERALLY A MAD SCIENCE EXPERIMENT SIMIC HYBRID This is the shit I'm .can I be a doppelganger? talking about GGIR Веер Воор Вoр I am Robot No I want to be mysterious Basically Aquaman the best DC superhero CHANGELINGS Eberron KALASHTAR Eberron TRITON WARFORGED Wait, can I do this but more Elf-y?- Volos Eberron ..I don't know what this is Neither do I. Also I'm banning you from my game. A Very Silly Flowchart For Picking Your Next D&D Race
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Mind, Mind Right, and Will: @pandamusk This is where Brienne and Tormund will always be in my mind. Right where they belong.

This is where Brienne and Tormund will always be in my mind. Right where they belong.

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Beard, Energy, and Fae: iwalk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the you say this jokingly but i had a customer asked her to verify that she did indaed want 59 ahots of eapreaso shelooked me dead in the drink took ages. It held up the Ine I asked her why, and she shrugged and said don't care". We still talk about that woman. We How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso? A venti cup. How much to fill it with Ch. uh. Well, it'd be l supposeI only have Price is the furthest thing from my mind right deap breamh of ear 'd be a quad with that the shots will start to get realy bitter İf they have to si: and wait for usto pull A this point/ am truty earing for my very existence in the presence of what must cleary Ch. Well okay." put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. We can certainly get that She begins to pay I shit thee not, with golden doNar cons. We are a block from Wal Street and this elantoh dem+being is paying for an unholy elver with goiden cons. My te wt en Do you stil have the Add Energy' packets? add mone than one per drink and we cannot i siter the onter and se0 her me new price She pays dumps the change andve goiden dolars into the tip box. I wwite the order on the venti cop and pess it siently to tme gi My felow takes the cup, not thining anything of the minar break with protocol ontil she sees The woman, which I cal her for no other greater insight into her temitying being is witmi my grasp, simpy stands on the other side and My felow bariste pales before her task. But we are dutfut we are true to ou task great though itmaybe. She sets about ถ0anng the two brand new Matrenas of al distraction, and sets two tal cups io me ready position The energ packet ia emptied into the venti cup, and the woman's gaze sit like the ก็res of the sun. Final-she shots are pulled, สhe cup is filed mik bor and add's a doNop of cream Sifed she proceeds to dowo whst must have been Then she amled at Ake a benediction horror She let and we knew nothing more this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked back in my barista days, and i thought HE was i dont know WHY but expresso is the only would ask us to blend 2, even 3 bananas into their drink someone asked me to blend a But my favourite weird custormer is The Garlic Man. The past couple of months this man of raw garlic He has s salt and pepper beard and an Indiana Jones hat. Orders An Appe latte where you substitute the hot water for we make it. He has ธ 5outem accent so I ask Sits down at the long table in the cafe, where discreetly proceeds to pull out, from his bag, a then eats it. We look on in homor Yeah, that guy was dehnitely a vampire hunter The customers are always Eldrich beings
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Beard, Energy, and Fae: iwalk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 thots of espresso. tell the you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually ordar a pumpkin apice larte with 9 asked her to verify that she did indaed want 59 ahots of eapreaso shelooked ma dead in the drink took ages. It held up the Ine I asked her why, and she shrugged and said just don't care". We still talk about that woman. We How much is it to fil a Venti with Espresso? A venti cup. How much to fill it with Ch. uh.Well, it'd be l supposeI only have a button for a Quad Idon't have special Price is the furthest thing from my mind right deap breamh of ear 'd be a quad with that the shcts will start to get realy bitter İf they have to si, and wait for usto pull A Chis point/ am truty earing for my very existence in the presence of what must cleary Ch. Well okay." put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. We can certainly get that She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden doNar cons. We are a block from Wal Street and this elantoh dem-being is paying for an with goiden coins. My Mfe wil end Do you stil have the Add Energy' packets? response to thia "For health reasona, we wont add mone than one per drink and we cannot f siter the ordler and sed her me new price She pays dumps the change andve goiden dolirs into the tip box. I wwite the order on the venti cp and pess it aiently to tme gi called and pass, but this was not something My felow takes the cup, not thining anything of the minar break with protocol ontil she sees The woman, which I cal her for no other greater insight into her temitying being is witmi my grasp, smply stands on the other side and My felow bariste pales before her task. But we are dutfut we are true to ou task great though itmay be. She sets about obanng the two brand new Matrenas of al distraction, and sets two tal cups io me ready position The nerg packet ia ampoied into the vendi cup, and me woman's gaze Selt Ake me nres of the sun Finaly the shots are puled, the cup is led mik bor and add's a doNop of cream Sisfed she proceeds to dowo whst must have been Then she amled at Ake a benediction horror. She left and we knew nothing more as if we'd never I, perhaps knowing that part this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked back in my barista days and i thought HE was i dont know WHY but expresso is the only would ask us to blend 2, even 3 bananas into their drink someone asked me to blend a But my favourite weird custormer is The Garlic Man. The past couple of months this man of raw garlic He has a salt and pepper beard and an Indiana Jones hat. Orders An Appe Cal.. That's not ฮ dink, at least not in 5bux latte where you substitute the hot water for we make it. He has ธ southern accent so I ask Sits down at the long table in the cafe, where discreetly proceeds to pull out, from his bag, a then eats it. We look on in homor He comea back and does this 2 or 3 more Yeah, that guy was dehinitely a vampire hunter Starbucks orders
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