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Being Alone, Boner, and Do a Barrel Roll: People Can't Handle The Way Morrissey Describes A Boner In His Novel A bulbous salutation to you all. posted on Sept. 24, 2015, at 9:52 a.m Alan White BuzzFeed News Reporter, UK So, during a sex scene in Morrissey's recently published novel List of the Lost, this happens. Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone." 03 thebibliosphere: doebarnes: mugsandpugs: jottingprosaist: shredsandpatches: hedwig-dordt: naznomad: martingoresangst: Thats the weirdest erotic sentence i’ve read all month this fucking post singlehandedly ruined my life You don’t really appreciate how fucking great fan fic is when it comes to writing sex untill you stop to recognise how Serious Literary Stars fail at writing sex. DO A BARREL ROLL #in all my years of reading fic i have never encountered a sentence this terrible #did he just say that his dick smacked EVERY MUSCLE in her body except you know her vagina? #like I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CHEEK I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE SHOULDER I'MMA SMACK YOU IN THE CALF #what is your dick doing?? #how do you think sex works morrissey?? Forget what his dick is doing, what are her breasts doing? How do a pair of fat sacks attached to a ribcage barrel-roll anywhere? Let alone across a man’s mouth and then his wanger immediately after? Sir, why is your mouth so dong-adjacent? Is your weiner detachable, is that it? Do you have your joystick clutched in your hand so that you can score a sweet schlong-to-titty-roll immediately after a kiss and then proceed to beat your banana all over her body in the world’s most failed attempt at erotic massage??? HOW DO YOU THINK SEX WORKS??? … guys ….. Are the sex scenes in My Immortal better than this?“HE PUT HIS THINGY IN MY YOU-KNOW-WHAT AND WE HAD SEX.” … I mean. Comparatively… Like, in My Immortal, it’s at least implied he knows where he’s supposed to put it. It’s very simplistic, Ikea-style sex (insert tab A into slot B) but that’s better than this vague, useless composition of random, nonsensical placement and movement of body parts. So yes, the sex in My Immortal is, in this sense, better. @goddessemily   was it this post?
Money, Old Navy, and Phone: HOW CUSTOMER SERVICE WORKS Excuse me, I said a bit of ice on the bottom. Why is the ice on top? 0h boy! Let me just turn off physics and tell the ice to stop floating! Rude! I want to speak to the manager! Sorry about that! Here, take these $500 giftcards. Please don't give us 1-star on Yelp. YOU'RE FIRED!!! も THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! EVEN WHEN THEY'RE WRONG) the-last-hair-bender: failedhellos: mysteampunkheart: lam681: winmu: scullylovesqueequeg: tamtoee: yeahmicah: thegirlinthesea: spookydatrump: note-inthepages: Accurate post is accurate. Reminds me of the time a lady told me whip doesn’t melt. Or a guy yelled at me for not understanding him/hearing him because he kept talking on the phone Lame For those in retail. I worked in a Lil Caesars and a woman came in and wanted a sausage pizza with no sausage, but got mad when she was given a cheese pizza. So when I worked at fitting room in Old Navy, a woman told me that a medium top was too small, and that the large top was too large. So she asked me to find her an “x-medium”. Old Navy carries x-small, small, medium, large, x-large, 1x, 2x and 3x. There is no “x-medium”. But she insisted, so I went and found her an “x-medium” (which was just a medium in a different color but the same top, same make, same EVERYTHING) and she goes very happily, “THIS! THIS FITS ME PERFECTLY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! See, you can do anything you can set your mind to!” I’m a waitress at a big fancy resort, and once a woman asked me for a diet water and when I told her there was no such thing she demanded to see my manager (who then also promptly told her there was no such thing and brought her regular water).Another occasion of stupidity occurred when a woman had been brought a steak cooked too much for her liking. I offered to take it back and bring her out a new one, cooked a little less, and she said “NO this one’s fine I just want you to cook THIS one a little less.” I then had to get the chef and have him explain why you can’t UNCOOK a steak. When I was working at dunkin donuts there was this woman in the drive-thru who asked for a lightly toasted croissant and then started complaining that the croissant was warm. And wanted her money back, so she gave me the croissant back and I gave her the money and then she tells me “now i want my new croissant” she wanted a new one for free and as she was screaming at me this guy in a biker gang covered in tattoos leans over the counter in the store and yells “ma’am let me just tell you what we’re all thinking. fuck off, you stupid cunt.” I couldn’t stop laughing and she drove away in anger. Most of the people like in the stories above know that they’re being totally irrational, but also know that if they complain enough they’ll most likely get something free or discounted. So really most of the the nonsensical fucks are actually just cheap fucks with no shame or respect for people. That last bit of commentary though. You’d think that but I had once had to explain to a woman that I couldn’t “cut her hair longer.” Some people are actually just stupid.
Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter spaceorphan18: sulkingheals: downtroddendeity: jacemp3: monkeysaysficus: audrey-hepbae: catchymemes: 10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food. By Blossom The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week.  I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen. We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god? I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up. Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana. Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours. Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar. Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy… “Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily. Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.) Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.” There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason. Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk. Just use superglue. “Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”: This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say: “Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,” what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things. But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike… Hot coals and peanut butter This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start. Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen. You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure. Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive? I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal. But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this. Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing. @ohnofixit I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong. Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 
Money, Old Navy, and Pizza: How CUSTOMER SERVICE WORKS Excuse me, I said a bit of ice on the bottom Why is the ice on top? Oh boy! Let me just turn 2 off physics and tell the ice to stop floating Rude! I want to speak to the manager! Sorry about that! Here, take these $500 giftcards. Please don't give us 1-star on Yelp YOU'RE FIRED!!! THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! (EVEN WHEN THEY'RE WRONG) I worked in a Lil Caesars and a woman came in and wanted a sausage pizza with no sausage, but got mad hen she was given a cheese pizza So when I worked at fitting room in Old Navy, a woman told me that a medium top was too small, and that the large top was too large. So she asked me to find her an "x-medium". Old Navy carries x-small, small, medium, large, x-large, 1x, 2x and 3x. There is no "x-medium". But she insisted, went and found her an "x-medium" (which was just a medium in a different color but the same top, sam same EVERYTHING) and she goes very happily, "THIS! THIS FITS ME PERFECTLY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! See, you can do anything you can set your mind to!" e make I'm a waitress at a big fancy resort, and once a woman asked me for a diet water and when I told her there was no such thing she demanded to see my manager (who then also promptly told her there was no such thing and brought her regular water) Another occasion of stupidity occurred when a woman had been brought a steak cooked too much for her liking. I offered to take it back and bring her out a new one, cooked a little less, and she said "NO this one's fine I just want you to cook THIS one a little less." I then had to get the chef and have him explain why you can't UNCOOK a steak en I was working at dunkin donuts there was this woman in the ive-thru who asked for a lightly toasted croissant and then started complaining that the croissant was warm. And wanted her money back, so she gave me the croissant back and I gave her the money and then she tells me "now i want my new croissant" she wanted a new one for free and as she was screaming at me this guy in a biker gang covered in tattoos leans over the counter in the store and yells "ma'am let me just tell you what we're all thinking. fuck off, you stupid cunt." I couldn't stop laughing and she drove away in anger ost of the people like in the stories above know that they're bei totally irrational, but also know that if they complain enough they'll most likely get something free or discounted. So really most of the nonsensical fucks are actually just cheap fucks with no shame or respect for people srsfunny:Everybody Should In Customer Service Once In Their Lives
Feminism, Girls, and Movies: LA VIR PARISIENNE sous LA GLACE SERVEE La Parisenne deviendrait elle looeese Ou yit beaucoup mokes de yantaleus, cette asnie t finkspiration: kendrene: yamino: gay-and-disorganized: flukeoffate: nestofstraightlines: feminism-is-radical: snowwhite638: captain-snark: derinthemadscientist: chimericaloutlier: lemonsharks: qglas: startrekrenegades: knivesandglitter: discursivetacenda: belovedtraveler: newvagabond: This will always remain my favorite vintage lesbian art… Do I even have to break it down for you? I just thought it was a mermaid trapped under ice the caption says “Are Parisian women becoming more thrifty? Seeing a lot of different types of panties this year!”presumably half those girls are commando or wearing thongs. this is totally lesbian pinup ads. If it were just a mermaid trapped under ice, there would be no reason all the skaters above the ice are wearing skirts and are presumably women. also look at that mermaid’s smile she knows what’s up. I feel the need to correct the French translation, primarily because I’m garbage, but also because the actual translation has a significantly different meaning than what is written above.  The French says, “La Parisienne deviendrait elle économe ? … On voit beaucoup moins de pantalons, cette année ?” “Are Parisian women becoming thrifty? Seeing much fewer pant(ie)s this year!”  I know I’ve reblogged this 5000x before but 1. Never with that corrected translation and 2. I don’t care this is a great ad but how is she smoking under water? Lesbian mermaid magic The cigarette indicates it’s sexual too. Although I agree that it being usable underwater is a baffling detail I think the cigarette is to make damn sure you know it’s sexual. Cigarettes were often used in movies and art to indicate that that woman is a lesbian! Also see how she has 2 fins not one? It symbolises trousers instead of a skirt, another way to hint at the woman being a lesbian in artwork at the time. I’m just incredibly relived for the corrected translation, the nonsensical-ness of ‘thrifty = more pants’ has troubled me for a while now. GUYS. Although it is made to look like a cigarette–look at the box next to her. It’s a sardine box. She is holding her last sardine like a cigarette. So it actually makes more sense than a cigarette under water…. (Obviously the sexy cigarette imagery is still there, it’s just a clever way to work around the water bit) this post is just the gift that keeps on giving. I can’t even imagine being SO STRAIGHT that I’d think this was “just a mermaid trapped under ice” smh @lesbian-sorceress @clexcallysto I’m obsessed with this painting, I have it hanging in my house, and I never realized it was a sardine she had in her fingers before!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!I’m SHIVERED
Cheating, Tumblr, and Work: <p><a href="http://1996.tumblr.com/post/120332540294/arachnofiend-chibisilverwings-ambrromance" class="tumblr_blog">1996</a>:</p> <blockquote><blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://arachnofiend.tumblr.com/post/82943599470/chibisilverwings-ambrromance">arachnofiend</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://chibisilverwings.tumblr.com/post/82914063875/ambrromance-joultonofblood-sums-up-their">chibisilverwings</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://ambrromance.tumblr.com/post/81033846815/joultonofblood-sums-up-their-personalities">ambrromance</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a class="tumblr_blog" href="http://joultonofblood.tumblr.com/post/58812951311/sums-up-their-personalities-pretty-well">joultonofblood</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p>Sums up their personalities pretty well.</p> </blockquote> <p>Eddy: I can achieve anything<br/>Edd: there’s a logical way to achieve what I want<br/>Ed: there’s nothing standing in my way</p> </blockquote> <p>Eddy hopping over the fence indicates his willingness to “cheat” the system, or to take a shortcut. Much like his schemes, it might end up being more work, but in his mind, cheating is the best way to get ahead.<br/><br/>Edd goes the neat and logical way, he’s straight forward. BUT, note that he closes the gate behind him rather than leaving it open. He’s incredibly meticulous and even if it’s more convenient to leave it open for anyone coming in behind him, he has to leave things neat, tidy and as he found them.<br/><br/>Ed is also is straight forward, he in fact is using the MOST direct route. But this route is one no one else would consider because it seems completely nonsensical. Which sums him up pretty well. The fact that it works for him is also fun to note. In general his earnestness and determination carries him through situations that most people would be stopped by.</p> </blockquote> <p>I honestly never thought I’d see a critical analysis of <em>Ed, Edd, and Eddy</em></p> </blockquote> <p><figure class="tmblr-full" data-orig-height="375" data-orig-width="500" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2wui4ZcZF1qh8ptoo1_500.jpg"><img alt="" src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/b6866e5b90cb815a471d675442639b18/tumblr_inline_p7kc2qJE2F1tdwdz1_540.jpg" data-orig-height="375" data-orig-width="500" data-orig-src="https://78.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2wui4ZcZF1qh8ptoo1_500.jpg"/></figure></p> </blockquote></blockquote>
Animals, Bad, and Children: 61below tumblr Follow lovelylilpup prokopetz I've seen a lot of videos going around of urban-dwelling critters coming to humans for help with various problems, ranging from boxes stuck on their heads to young trapped down a storm drain, and it's gotten me to thinking On the one hand, it's kind of fascinating that they know to do that. On the other hand, setting any questions of how this sort of behaviour must have arisen aside for the nonce, does it ever strike you how weird it is that we've got a whole collection of prey species whose basic problem-solving script ends with the step "if all else fails, go bother one of the local apex predators and maybe they'll fix the problem for no reason"? roachpatrol well, come to think of it, we're at the top of the food chain but we almost exclusively hunt and kill prey out in the country raccoons and possums and foxes and crows all succeed in an urban environment because they're opportunistic and observant. and almost none of them would have observed us pounce on one of their species and then start eating it, you know? a lot of them would have observed that we scream and chase them out of wherever we don't want them to be, but other animals are territorial too. but there's a number of situations where humans feed whoever's bold enough to take them up on the offer, and we do tend to pull garbage off of other animals as soon as they slow down enough for us to catch. 'a human got me but nothing bad happened' is a much more frequent thing than 'a human got me and tried to eat me anyway like, we're masters of our environment, we make weird shit happen all the time, we have lots of great food and sometimes we share, and we almost never eat someone. it makes sense for urban animals, over the last century or so, to just keep an eye out for opportunities to use us, and to pass the habit on to their kids. tsfennec It really is a weird, funny thing. Like yeah, technically they're predators, and they get pretty screamy, especially if you try to take any of their stuff... but given the chance it seems like they'd rather help us out and sometimes they'll just randomly give you food, so??? I mean, I guess in fairytales and myths we've got our fair share of stories about dangerous people/creatures who might well kill you or otherwise ruin your life but to whom people nonetheless turn for help in desperate circumstances. So it's not like the perspective is exactly a foreign thing to our own mindset, really It's just that, y'know, we can't actually go make a deal with the faeries when there's something we can't figure out Which brings me to an interesting thought about the ubiquitous rule about never eating the faery food lest you find yourself forever unsatisfied with anything in the human world- and the potential parallels to the dangers of feeding wildlife human food lest they become addicted and too tame and dependent to be safe for either themselves or us. Hmm.) sapphicaquarius Okay, but that last bit with the Fae... makes almost perfect sense Of the stories I've read, the food of the Fae, its origins and effects, are often strange and/or obscure- Just like our food to most animals. The Fae are strange beings that seem to know weird things that give them power or an edge over us.- Just like us to animals. The Fae work and live by strange rules also ofen nonsensical or obscure to us Just like us to animals. The Fae can easily obtain vast amounts of things we consider rare/precious/desireable, and have no problem with dishing it out wantonly for no other reason than amusement.- Just like us to animals. The Fae sometimes are amused by having us around, but only on their terms and IF it amuses/intrigues them.- Just like us to animals. GUYS, I SENSE A PATTERN.... -they have arcane social conventions and the punishment for not paying the correct respects right is banishment, if you're lucky, and death if you're not -they have wild and unexpected parties where you'd least expect to find them, but if you're bold enough to entertain them they'll feed you and caress you and play with you all night time runs strangely in their realm. their homes are summeriands: warm and bright, no matter the season. there is always fruit on their tables. but not everyone who comes in from the cold is let back out again. -their games are cruel and complex and unfair, but if you can beat them by their own rules you will access riches beyond imagining. sometimes they just fucking fuck with you, the fuckheads -they will absolutely steal your children away. when your children return-if they ever do-they will come back strange. they will know things they shouldn't. they won't know things that they should. your strange children might survive, might even prosper, might take wives and husbands and have children of their own but they will always be marked by their time away from your world. the price for pissing them off is always death. sometimes just you. sometimes your whole community if you are very good, and very smart, and very brave, they will grant your wish. oceaxereturns My eyes just got wider and wider the further down I read. Source:prokopetz #story feels #fae 71,904 notes Humans are the urban fae
Af, Ass, and Bad: Trang Nguyern @trangnnguyenn we our Chacos @DrSmashlove So I'm on the stairmaster tryina knock out this 103 steps per minute for 45 min right and I get to minute 38 and I'm cot damn feeling like I won't make it. My lungs are now coughing to try to draw air inside my body is like "MF WE WILL GO ON STRIKE U CAN ONLY PUT US THRU SO MUCH WE HAVE APPROVAL AT THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LOCAL 183 ELECTRICIANS BROTHERHOOD TO SHUT YO ASS DOWN BELEE DAT SHIT." But nah I kept going bc I AIN NO BISH (also, I'm stupid 🤗). So the pretty lil woman next to me say "sir.........are you ok(?)" And I wanted to be like "BISH DON'T U SEE MY SPEED RN? I AIN'T DOING 65 STEPS PER MINUTE LIKE U WHICH IS A RESPECTABLE SPEED FOR KICKING YOUR LEGS OUT BEHIND U TO BUILD THAT UNDERBUTT-CREASE BC U TRYING TO GET A ASS THE NATURAL WAY AND NOT THE KARDASHIAN POOPY DIAPER SURGERY WAY BUT THIS SHIT LIKE SPRINTING UP A MOUNTAIN COT DAMMIT YES I'M OK LET A BROTHER BREAVE 😤." But I didn't say that. I didn't say that shit at all 😂. I said "ayeeee you don't have to call me sir! I'm not THAT old. I only have six grandkids ... THAT I KNOW ABOUT LOL LEMME STOP LYING I AIN OLD ENUF TO BE A GRANDPA HAHAHAHA I'M STUPID WYD THO." And she immeejally reply "ha! You got me beat. My first grand kid was just born so I have a while before I catch up!" Hold the damn phone bruh. She was pretty AF too. Like the math ain een make no damn sense. She 30? What did she do, have a daughter at age 15 and then THAT daughter had a baby at age 15? Or maybe she 45? Like she Lululemon down - and where she get the money for all this? And then I pictured her meeting a sweet old glucose guardian who was like "I don't mind that you have kids - I never wanted them - but I'll treat yours like mine ☺️" and took care of her and now she living good AND THEN I REALIZED MAYBE SHE GOT HER OWN DAMN MONEY WHY SHE GOTTA BE A KEPT WOMAN MAYBE SHE INDEPENDENT AF SHAME ON ME SMASH FOR ASSUMING SHIT. Then I said "LOL NO WAY YOU'RE GORGEOUS! 😬" That's all I said. And then she said "aw bless your heart you're cute LOL." That was it. If u think I'm not gonna share my nonsensical stories with y'all YALL ARE WRONG I SHARE THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE MEANINGLESS BLESS UP 😂😂😂
America, Apparently, and Bad: mothman @LEVKAWA how to tell when a bilingual character was not written by a bilingual person 101 "Hola ¿Qué pasa?" Lance said. "Uh...what?" "Ah, sorry. It's hard to switch back sometimes. What's up?" He corrected kalidels: misdiagnosed-ghost: rrojasandribbons: cobaltmoony: silentwalrus1: justgot1: cricketcat9: artykyn: prideling: gunvolt: im going to have a stroke Instead try…Person A: You know… the thingPerson B: The “thing”?Person A: Yeah, the thing with the little-! *mutters under their breath* Como es que se llama esa mierda… THE FISHING ROD As someone with multiple bilingual friends where English is not the first language, may I present to you a list of actual incidents I have witnessed: Forgot a word in Spanish, while speaking Spanish to me, but remembered it in English. Became weirdly quiet as they seemed to lose their entire sense of identity.Used a literal translation of a Russian idiomatic expression while speaking English. He actually does this quite regularly, because he somehow genuinely forgets which idioms belong to which language. It usually takes a minute of everyone staring at him in confused silence before he says “….Ah….. that must be a Russian one then….”Had to count backwards for something. Could not count backwards in English. Counted backwards in French under her breath until she got to the number she needed, and then translated it into English.Meant to inform her (French) parents that bread in America is baked with a lot of preservatives. Her brain was still halfway in English Mode so she used the word “préservatifes.” Ended up shocking her parents with the knowledge that apparently, bread in America is full of condoms.Defined a slang term for me……. with another slang term. In the same language. Which I do not speak.Was talking to both me and his mother in English when his mother had to revert to Russian to ask him a question about a word. He said “I don’t know” and turned to me and asked “Is there an English equivalent for Нумизматический?” and it took him a solid minute to realize there was no way I would be able to answer that. Meanwhile his mom quietly chuckled behind his back.Said an expression in English but with Spanish grammar, which turned “How stressful!” into “What stressing!” Bilingual characters are great but if you’re going to use a linguistic blunder, you have to really understand what they actually blunder over. And it’s usually 10x funnier than “Ooops it’s hard to switch back.” I use Spanish and English daily, none is my native language. When I’m tired or did not have enough sleep I loose track of who to address in which language;  I caught myself explaining something in Spanish to my English-speaking friends more than once. When I’m REALLY tired I’ll throw some Polish words in the mix.  There is nothing more painful than bad fake Spanglish by an American writer. Bilingual people don’t just randomly drop words in nonsensical places in their sentences ffs. “I’m muy tired! I think I’ll go to my cama and go to sleep!“ Nobody does that. From my bilingual parents: - Only being able to do math in their original language. “Ok so that would beeeeee … *muttering* ocho por cuatro menos tres…” - Losing words and getting mad at you about it. “Gimme the - the - UGH, ESA COSA AHI’ CARAJO. The thing, the oven mitt. Christ.” - Making asides to you in Spanish even though you’ve told them to not do this as lots of people here speak Spanish. “Oye, mira esa, que cara fea.” “MOM FFS WE’RE IN A MEXICAN NEIGHBORHOOD.” - Swears in English don’t count. - Swears in Spanish mean you’d better fucking run, kid. - Introducing you to English-only Americans using your Spanish name so that they mispronounce your name for all eternity because that’s what your mom said your name was. “Hi Dee-yanna!” “sigh, Just call me Diana.” “Yeah but your mom said your name was Dee-yanna.”  - Your parents give you a name that only makes sense in Spanish. “Your name is Floor?” “No, my name is Flor.” “FLOOR?” “Sigh.”  - conjugating English words with Russian grammar and vice versa. Sometimes both at once, which is extra fun.  самолет -  самолетас -  самолетасы - when vice versa, dropping English articles entirely. The, a, an: all gone. e.g. “I go to store and buy thing, I fix car and go to place.” This also happens when i am very tired  - speaking English with heavy accent you don’t actually have - when my family and I are switching over fast, we say the English words in a very heavy Russian accent that mostly doesn’t show up otherwise  bonus:  - keysmashing in the wrong language when your keyboard is still switched over - using ))))) instead of :))) or other culture-specific emoji/typing quirks all of the above OMG. THIS.  -switching from Romanes to English and forgetting that articles exist because Romanes doesn’t always use them-starting to say a word in one language and trying to smoothly transition it to another language: n…oooooo, thank you is probably my most common-using English profanity when speaking Romanes-using Romanes profanity when speaking English.. that’s how you know I am angry-the over extension of the word “not” in English that comes out something like this; “I have not cash on me”.-counting in my head in Romanes always, but math always in English, which might explain my bad math skills-drunk accents.. I have a heavy accent when drunk.. and only when drunk-substituting Romani words when trying to speak in Serbian even when the other speaker is bilingual in English-aspirating English phonemes that are not meant to be aspirated -accidentally pronouncing the English “i” sounds as “ee”.. I have a dog named Snickers and everyone thinks her name is Sneakers-describing objects in detail, but forgetting the actual name of it in your target language; dzhanes, ‘odaji glazhuni.. thaj zhamija si ‘oda.. ejjjjj.. dikhes perdal oda.. ejjjj.. ekh… feljastra! Ekh feljastra! -”the thing” in both languages.. -except e buki also means “the work”, and o kasavo mean “such”, or “like this”, so in English I mean to say “the thing”, but I really say “the this, you know, this, this, this, the thingy.” But, it sounds like, “da dis, you know, dis, dis, dis, da tingy.”-subject verb agreement doesn’t exist when switching languages; ^^see above.. that was not an intentional mistake-“is mine” to mean “I have”; “Dog is mine” = “I have a dog” I could keep going.. but, yea, bilingual quirks are waaaay better and funnier when you actually understand how they work and the grammar quirks of both target languages.  I always fucking forget the word “chess”???? And I sit there saying шахматы over and over to myself until I finally remember it in English. blunders also happen when they have to note down something real quick or take lectures! my notes when I was in Italy for my exchange year are incomprehensible to basically everyone lmao it’s a huge jumble of thai, english, and italian. because sometimes it’s easier to just write down a concept in english rather than have to translate it back to your native language! also while I was there I spent a day with an american friend and when we were saying goodbye to each other this literally happened: “well have a safe trip home!! I’ll see you….. um…. dopo… dopo.. dopo.. LATER! LATER!! I’LL SEE YOU LATER”
Club, Money, and Old Navy: HoW CUSTOMER SERVICE WORKS Excuse me, I said a bit of ice on the bottom. Why is the ice on top? oh boy! Let me just turn off physics and tell the ice to stop floating Rude! I want to speak to the manager sorry about that! Here, take these $500 giftcards. Please don't give us 1-star on Yelp YOU'RE FIRED!! THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! (EVEN WHEN THEY RE WRONG) I worked in a Lil Caesars and a woman came in and wanted a sausage pizza with no sausage, but got mad when she was given a cheese pizza So when I worked at fitting room in Old Navy, a woman told me that a medium top was too small, and that the large top was too large. So she asked me to find her an "x-medium Old Navy carries x-small, small, medium, large, x-large, 1x, 2x and 3x. There is no "x-medium". But she insisted, so l went and found her an "x-medium" (which was just a medium in a different color but the same top, same make same EVERYTHING) and she goes very happily, "THIS! THIS FITS ME PERFECTLY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! See you can do anything you can set your mind to! I'm a waitress at a big fancy resort, and once a woman asked me for a diet water and when I told her there was no such thing she demanded to see my manager (who then also promptly told her there was no such thing and brought her regular water) Another occasion of stupidity occurred when a woman had been brought a steak cooked too much for her liking. I offered to take it back and bring her out a new one, cooked a little less, and she said "NO this one's fine I just want you to cook THIS one a little less." I then had to get the chef and have him explain why you can't UNCOOK a steak. When I was working at dunkin donuts there was this woman in the drive-thru who asked for a lightly toasted croissant and then started complaining that the croissant was warm. And wanted her money back, so she gave me the croissant back and I gave her the money and then she tells me "now i want my new croissant" she wanted a new one for free and as she was screaming at me this guy in a biker gang covered in tattoos leans over the counter in the store and yells "ma'am let me just tell you what we're all thinking. fuck off, you stupid cunt. i couldn't stop laughing and she drove away in ange Most of the people like in the stories above know that they're being totally irrational, but also know that if they complain enough they'll most likely get something free or discounted. So really most of the the nonsensical fucks are actually just cheap fucks with no shame or respect for people. <p><a href="http://laughoutloud-club.tumblr.com/post/158524662018/the-stupidity-of-the-world" class="tumblr_blog">laughoutloud-club</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>The stupidity of the world</p></blockquote>
Money, Old Navy, and Pizza: How CUSTOMER SERVICE WORKS Excuse me, I said a bit of ice on the bottom. Why is the ice on top? oh boy! Let me just turn off physics and tell the ice to stop floating Rude! I want to speak to the manager sorry about that! Here, take these $500 giftcards. Please don't give us 1-star on Yelp YOU'RE FIRED!! THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! EVEN WHEN THEY RE WRONG) I worked in a Lil Caesars and a woman came in and wanted a sausage pizza with no sausage, but got mad when she was given a cheese pizza So when I worked at fitting room in Old Navy, a woman told me that a medium top was too small, and that the large top was too large. So she asked me to find her an "x-medium" Old Navy carries x-small, small, medium, large, x-large, 1x, 2x and 3x. There is no "x-medium". But she insisted, so l went and found her an "x-medium" (which was just a medium in a different color but the same top, same make same EVERYTHING) and she goes very happily, "THIS! THIS FITS ME PERFECTLY! THANK YOU SO MUCH! See you can do anything you can set your mind to!" I'm a waitress at a big fancy resort, and once a woman asked me for a diet water and when I told her there was no such thing she demanded to see my manager (who then also promptly told her there was no such thing and brought her regular water) Another occasion of stupidity occurred when a woman had been brought a steak cooked too much for her liking. I offered to take t back and bring her out a new one, cooked a little less, and she said "NO this one's fine I just want you to cook THIS one a little less." I then had to get the chef and have him explain why you can't UNCOOK a steak When I was working at dunkin donuts there was this woman in the drive-thru who asked for a lightly toasted croissant and then started complaining that the croissant was warm. And wanted her money back, so she gave me the croissant back and I gave her the money and then she tells me "now i want my new croissant" she wanted a new one for free and as she was screaming at me this guy in a biker gang covered in tattoos leans over the counter in the store and yells ma'am let me just tell you what we're all thinking. fuck off, you stupid cunt." i couldn't stop laughing and she drove away in anger Most of the people like in the stories above know that they're being totally irrational, but also know that if they complain enough they'll most likely get something free or discounted. So really most of the the nonsensical fucks are actually just cheap fucks with no shame or respect for people. Customer Service
Candy, Clothes, and Donkey: Boy cat: looks like a fluffy cat A GOOD ILLUSTRATION OF THIS IS THE 2015 PIXAR FILA^ "INSIDE OUT' Get In Touch With Your Emotions NSIDE OU Girl cat: is a human with a completely smooth face, a shapely human body, and long human hair Hás a cat nosé and ear THERE'S THIS BIZдRRE TREND WHERE NON-HIMAN WOMEN IN MEDIA STILL LOOK WEIRDLY LIKE HUMANS AWFUL-AND-TERRIBLE.TUMBLR.COM ONE OF THE THINGS I NOTICED IMMEDIATELY ABOUT THE CHARACTERS IS THAT THE MEN LOOK LIKE ABSTRACT EMBODIMENTS OF THE EㅆㅇTIONS THEY REPRESENT FEAR ANGER IS A REO BRICK. OISGUST FEAR IS VERY SPINDLY AND VULNERABLE LOOING. SADNESS SQUARED OFF AND SHORT, HIS DESIGN COMMUNICATES PENT UP RAGE. ANGER HIS EYES Bue OUT BEYOND HIS HEA BUT... THE WOMEN JUST KINDA LOOK LIKE TECHNICOLOR HLMANS WITH CHANGED SKIN TONES, THEY GROUP OF NORM L PEOPLE. P KORAOPN WHILE ON THE OTHER HAND, THE GuYS wouto LooK LIKE TOTAL FREAKS WITH THE EXCEPTION OF DISGUST'S EYELASHES, I GUESS Whoa, how are you doing that with your eyebrows?J O C He s got no ears AWFUL-AND-TERRIBLE.TUMBLR.CONM IT'S ANOTHAT'IN間않,TING! IT'S VISUALLY INTERESTING! BUT STUFF LIKE THISP IT'S BORING. AND NONSENSICAL. WHY 0O GIRLMICE HAVE LONG, BLONDE HAIR DONKEY KONG LOOKS LIKE AN APE CANDY LOOKS LIKE HUM N WITH FUR. VEGETABLES DON'T NEED CLOTHES OR OuCK TIDOIES THEN THEY NEED BOTH. THIS IS ALL COMPLETELY UNECESSARY, OF COURSE, AND IT ONLY SERVERS TO HAMPER OTHERWISE GOOD AND UNIQUE DESIGNS. AWFUL-AND-TERRIBLE.TUMBLR COM awful-and-terrible: (full view) Can we, as a society, just collectively agree to stop doing this? It’s pretty played out by this point.

awful-and-terrible: (full view) Can we, as a society, just collectively agree to stop doing this? It’s pretty played out by this point.