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Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter spaceorphan18: sulkingheals: downtroddendeity: jacemp3: monkeysaysficus: audrey-hepbae: catchymemes: 10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food. By Blossom The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week.  I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen. We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god? I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up. Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana. Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours. Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar. Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy… “Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily. Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.) Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.” There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason. Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk. Just use superglue. “Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”: This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say: “Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,” what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things. But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike… Hot coals and peanut butter This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start. Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen. You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure. Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive? I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal. But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this. Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing. @ohnofixit I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong. Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 
Apparently, Baseball, and Beautiful: crime show: well we don't know what time she was taken but as you can see in this convenience store security footage she's mouthing something and our lip reading technology tells us she's saying 'those three wise men they ve got a semi by the sea which are lyrics to James Blunt's song Wisemen which was playing on that store's favoured radio station at approximately 3:18PM and she disappears from view exactly five minutes later so therefore m crying cause most secunty cams would have timestamps crime show: now see usually we'd manage to get a timestamp from the security footage but unfortunately in this case the cameras only record a live feed and while you would think this means we shouldn't be able to see the footage at all, luckily a famous Twutch streamer happened to be using it as their background footage while recording yesterday so jenroses yes, but can you blow it up and enhance it? unfortunately this particular footage is extremely low quality and very grainy but as Izoom in on this super blurry pixelated mage you can see the details become much clearer and easier to identify But what about the extremely specific pollen found on the camera lens? good eye! originally I didn't even notice it was there but whie combing through the footage I noticed three different people sneezed whille in view of the camera. I did some research and found that the particles represent the pollen of this obscure plant life that is native to this particular state, which really doesn't help us, except that it only ever blooms in the opposite season! So I did some digging and found four nurseries within a 50 mile radius, only one of which sell that plant all year round, which of course means mongolman101 Hold on just one moment! If the twitch streamer was using the cameras live feed as background, then we should know the ime of the crime! The twitch archive should mark how long the streamer had been on by the time of the perpetrators presence onscreen, and if we know when they went live, we will know the time the perpetrator was in the building DAMNIT jONES THIS ISN'T YOUR CASE WELL IT'S MY CASE NOW! The Captain thinks your kidnapping is related to my investigation into that cult up state. So, apparently, we're supposed to work together. I'm not any happier than you are. but I hate sharing! TOUGH SHIT MCNAMARA! Your kidnapping case is somehow connected with that cult that's been sacrificing its members to in the belief that it will appease the elder god Cthulhu. Now, I don't like it any more than you do, and I'm worse at sharing than a toddler with a new favorite toy, but lives may well be on the line here! Are you willing to put aside our differences, and do what needs to be done?! Alright, but when we catch the perp he's mine. I don't care if he's sacrificed a hundred victims to goddamn Mickey Mouse! That man may know who killed my father, and I wont let anyone get in my way -not even someone with your develish smile. Do you think you're the only one who wants to find Eric's murderer?1 He was my partnerl He was my friend Iknow we haven't worked together before, but this case will have us working together for a while, until we eventually find your fathers killer. And I can see this case taking us a long time, and defining both of our lives for the foreseeable future. But don't worry McNamara, my years of experience on the force, put together with your grit, tenacity, and loose understanding of the rules will make for a great partnership, with plenty of laughs and sexual tension to go around. Until some being from on high decides the precinct isn't ready for a same sex couple, and I rekindle my relationship with my previously unmentioned ex-wife. But we, and some unknown watchers of our adventures, will always know we were meant to be together, weirdly large age gap be damned! Yeah, and while Eric was off playing cops and robbers with you, I grew up without a dad! Do you know how many times I stared at my baseball glove, wishing he was there to throw it to me? You may have lost Eric, but I never even got to have him! But you're right. This case will definitely take at least a full year, especially with the fact that we will be constantly interrupted with other, smaller cases, one of which will be halloween themed. Were working together for the forseeable future, and my playful countenance and morbid wit will very quickly mesh with your hardened attitude and tendency to keep secrets. And while you go back to your unhappy, stiff relationship with your ex wife, I will be shown having constant meaningless sex with a multitude of beautiful women so that the writers can really get across how Not Gay I am. It's gonna be a wild ride, Jones. And there had better be stakeouts. executive producer dick wolf Source: aloverthegaf Tumblr Crime Show
Being Alone, Frozen, and Future: teak Steak-umm @steak umm why are so many young people flocking to brands on social media for love, guidance, and attention? I'll tell you why. they're isolated from real communities, working service jobs they hate while barely making ends meat, and are living w/ unchecked personal/mental health problems 1:51 PM -Sep 26, 2018 35.9K 10.8K people are talking about this g Steak-umm@steak umm- Sep 26, 2018 why are so many young people flocking to brands on social media for love, guidance, and attention? I'll tell you why. they're isolated from real communities, working service jobs they hate while barely making ends meat, and are living w unchecked personal/mental health problems teak Steak-umm @steak_umm they're crushed by student loan debt, disenfranchised by past generations, and are dreading the future of our world every day from mass media addiction and the struggle to not just be happy but to survive this chaotic time with every problem happening at once under a microscope 1:55 PM-Sep 26, 2018 8,079 1,231 people are talking about this Steak-umm@steak umm Sep 26, 2018 Replying to @steak umm they're crushed by student loan debt, disenfranchised by past generations, and are dreading the future of our world every day from mass media addiction and the struggle to not just be happy but to survive this chaotic time with every problem happening at once under a microscope Steak Steak-umm @steak_umm they grew up through the dawn of internet culture and have had mass advertising drilled into their media consumption, now they're being resold their childhoods by remakes, sequels spinoffs, and other cheap nostalgia, making them more cynical to growth or authenticity 1:59 PM -Sep 26, 2018 7,463 1,108 people are talking about this Steak-umm @steak umm Sep 26, 2018 Replying to @steak umm they grew up through the dawn of internet culture and have had mass advertising drilled into their media consumption, now they're being resold their childhoods by remakes, sequels, spinoffs, and other cheap nostalgia, making them more cynical to growth or Steak Steak-umm @steak umm they often don't have parents to talk to because they say stuff like "you don't know how good you have it," and they don't have mentors to talk to because most of them have no concept for growing up in this strange time, which perpetuates the feeling of helplessness/loneliness 2:03 PM -Sep 26, 2018 6,896980 people are talking about this t Steak-umm steak umm- Sep 26, 2018 Replying to @steak umm they often don't have parents to talk to because they say stuff like "you don't know how good you have it," and they don't have mentors to talk to because most of them have no concept for growing up in this strange time, which perpetuates the feeling of helplessness/loneliness Steak Steak-umm @steak_umm they have full access to social media and the information highway, but they feel more alone and insecure than ever. being behind a screen 24/7 has made them numb to everything anxious and depressed about everything, and vitriolic or closed off toward anyone different from them 2:06 PM-Sep 26, 2018 6,521 962 people are talking about this Steak-umm@steak umm Sep 26, 2018 Replying to @steak umm they have full access to social media and the information highway but they feel more alone and insecure than ever. being behind a screen 24/7 has made them numb to everything, anxious and depressed about everything, and vitriolic or closed off toward anyone different from them Steak Steak-umm @steak umm young people today have it the best and the worst. there's so much to process and very few trusted, accessible outlets to process it all through. so they go to memes. they go to obscure or absurdist humor. they go to frozen meat companies on twitter end rant Steak-umm bless 2:11 PM - Sep 26, 2018 8,798 1,383 people are talking about this Steak-umm explains it all

Steak-umm explains it all

Tumblr, Aesthetic, and Blog: cockyhorror: I thought the age of obscure aesthetic photos was over but here I am in 2017 faced with this

cockyhorror: I thought the age of obscure aesthetic photos was over but here I am in 2017 faced with this

Dude, Movies, and Nasty: white dude in this horror movie translates old arabic text somehow it rhymes perfectly in english Now I really wanna see a horrible faltering translation from one of these movies, like "Whomsoever enters this room, they shall.. well, this word is like.. literally it means unbecome, but it was used as a euphemism for death, pooping, and-wait, when was this carved? was it 15th century? Cuz it was a euphemism for sex too in the 15th century. This is either a cursed crypt, a bathroom, or a royal bedroom. Who wants to roll the dice?" You guys, I've gotta be honest, okay? This thing's written in some kind of weird localized dialect, and I've only ever studied the standard form of the language. I mean, this part right here..I can't even tell if it's some kind of error, or an obscure slang phrase whatever it is, I have no idea what the fuck it means." this is written in ancient sumerian. it's about... uh. well that word is.. uh. okay this is either a poem about farming, or straight-up a nasty sex guide. it might be both. i want a shower. okay see the thing is in one dialect this word is the name of a terrifying Demon but in a completely different language from the same area that has the same writing system and gave a lot of loan words to the first, it means horse and the context is really not helping" "You know what? This thing is bound in human skin and the walls are bleeding let's just leave. The sacred texts said that there’d be chickens here, but all I can see are ducks
80s, Be Like, and Bless Up: When you try to pretend you're not looking at your crush, and then eye contact happens. New rule for all of u people who wear black shades in the airport but don’t have a eye condition: u a jacka$$ 🙂. No offense! 😂 Now as always my rules come with exceptions. First, u been in a action film starring the Rock or a romantic film starring Sarah Jessica Parker. U feel me? A film errybody seent. Oh u acted in one art house film that was featured at the Aspen Film Festival and got a small release in NYC and LA but u rocking Gucci shades at O’hare? U a jacka$$ 🙂. Even a B-list celebrity like Kid Cudi Imma let u rock shades out the goodness of my heart. Like to a oddly specific subsection of 2000s-era stoners u a legit star - shades are ok because them oddly specific fans is hella in love with u and U want a lil privacy. Plus people gon be like “wow kid cudi flying spirit airline?? Damn. Times is rough. AHIMMMMAHHHHHHOHHHHH.” [I always pictured Kid Cudi fans moan like Cudi in private lmao.] He might wear shades to be like “aye lemme hide a lil bit and eat my airport Cinnabon with jiz sauce in peacington.” I feel that. Second, legit athletes. But see it’s always that dude that’s 6’5”+ who wanna rock shades in the airport to create confusion. He ain’t a NBA player but he might could had played college ball. Bruh. U ain’t famous. U just lengthy 😂. “Well smash maybe u just jealous of these actors, rappers and athletes — salty a$$. U just a nobody with a meme page LMAOOO.” Ummmm exactly! And I love it that way! 😂 That’s the whole point. People wear them shades in airports to pretend like they don’t wanna be recognized but low key dying to be recognized. The shades - which is suppose to obscure they identity - actually draw attention to them. People look harder to see who they are. Like them dudes who was heavy metal artists in the 80s but still rock the big hair like ya auntie Julie and tight fake leather pants like homie just dying to be spotted by someone (...like ya auntie Julie lmao she still play they music! She never moved on! She’ll STILL smash Jerry the drummer just to brag at the hair salon! Raw! Knowing she number 8,762! Go head Julie u wild lmao!) Anyway bruv, stop. Take them shades off. See? Light is lovely. Bless up 😂😂😂
Target, Tumblr, and Aesthetic: cockyhorror: I thought the age of obscure aesthetic photos was over but here I am in 2017 faced with this

cockyhorror: I thought the age of obscure aesthetic photos was over but here I am in 2017 faced with this

Amazon, Apparently, and Bae: bryce @BryceRoy22 Alexa, you're doing amazing sweetie. FOX 4 NEWS@FOX4 Police: Alexa calls cops on man beating girlfriend dlvr.it/PTrbXO naamahdarling: bae-in-maine: wantshimsorely: kittleimp: iopele: chrisdigay: A.I. is coming in more sympathetic than some people…it’s 2017 according to Amazon, the Echo (Alexa) CANNOT actually do this unless the woman set it up beforehand–just like you can put in a phone number so it’ll dial it when you say “Alexa, call mom” or whatever. the woman apparently programmed it to dial 911 when she said “Alexa, call 911″ (which the woman is heard saying on the 911 recording). so why am I nitpicking about such a tiny distinction? because Alexa WILL NOT call for help unless you’ve set it up this way first! this woman was REALLY smart to do that, because otherwise the Echo thing would’ve done nothing. don’t think your Echo will respond to “call 911″ or “call the cops/ambulance/fire department” unless you’ve set it up with the numbers first, and certainly don’t think it’ll hear sounds of a struggle and call for help without a direct command. otherwise think of how many false reports it would make just from overhearing TV and movies being on!  so instead of this being shared as “Amazon’s AI is going to hear that you’re in trouble and will call for help by itself!” this story should really be shared as “hey if you have one of these things, set it up to respond to a voice command CALL 911 before you’re in that kind of situation!” Also, for those in abusive situations, consider setting it up so you don’t have to say 911 to get it to call 911. You could program it so “call nina” calls 911. Sharing for the clarification and tip needing to pre-program Alexa beforehand. You could program it to “call nina,” “get help,” or some more obscure safeword command. Brilliant thinking on this woman’s part; a pity she was in such a situation she needed to do that. BOOSTING! Also boosting so that people won’t worry about accidentally having 911 called on them by their spybot and getting shot by police.

naamahdarling: bae-in-maine: wantshimsorely: kittleimp: iopele: chrisdigay: A.I. is coming in more sympathetic than some people…it’s 20...