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A Dream, Christmas, and Instagram: cacen so at the bar in which I work, there's an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with 'doorman', which has led to me be- friending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Dan now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the abso- lute love of my life. I don't care that he's a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they're simply referred to as 'a character? that's Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let's describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scand inavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper. that's Doorman Dan. since meeting him last year, I've discovered .he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said 'shit happens' on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM .he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was complet unaware they had broken up until he wishe happy Christmas and she responded with what the fuck Dan .accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours .he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay, and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off .he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for 'mystery adventures', one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops .he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: "TII know when I meet him. .he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. "I don't even know if I'm invited, truth be told." when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn't want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they'd like a snack . .he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman's Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he's patrolling the bar I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him cacen BIG OL UPDATE: HE GOT MARRIED LAST WEEK!!!! zohbugg I need 10 seasons and a movie about the life of Doorman Dan thecheshirecass I look forward to reading more about the loving, polyamorous relationship he and his wife develop with Ned when they finally meet. fuckveahdiomedes What's the instagram for the rabbits, op? Source: cacen 114,993 notes The adventures of doorman dan
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Beer, Life, and Love: I don't know what he's doing, I just told him to FLOSS! Peter Griffin here, and boy oh boy is THIS ONE a doozy! ILOLed (that's an acronym the young people of today use, and it means "laugh out loud," in case you didn't know) out loud so hard I almost spat my beer out all over my computer and ruined it! Boy would THAT ever be un-epic! Without my computer, how would I ever be able to look at these hilarious maymays and explain them for all of you? Not to mention I'd no longer be able to watch the latest compilations of Ben Shapiro DESTROYing l*btards epically. Explaining me-mes and watching leftists get epically pwned are the only two things Ireally love in life anymore, and ifI were to lose both at the same time, I honestly don't know what I'd do. Probably be so overcome with grief at my life losing all meaning, that I'd be unable to continue living my now-pointless life and put a gun in my mouth. Wow, Ireally went off track there, didn't I? Anyway, this is so epically hilarious because it features a young person, probably no older than fifteen, at the dentist's office But here's the kicker: he's not in the dentist chair or anything! No, instead, he's up and about, swinging his arms around and moving his hips! In the foreground, we have a woman wearing a surgical mask, whom we can reasonably assume is the dentist. She observes the young man confusedly, and proclaims, "I don't know what he's doing, Ijust told him to FLOSS!" See, the dentist is presumably referring to the act of rubbing a thin string between one's teeth to remove excess plaque. That's the historical definition of the word floss," which has been commercially available since 1882. Our young friend, however, seems to have other ideas. See, more recently, "floss" has come to refer to a dance move in the popular online game, Fortnite. The dance is characterized by "a lot of fast arms and hip swings as though using a giant invisible piece of floss," which is where the name comes from. Additionally, the child is drawn to resemble one Russell Horning, popularly known as "Backpack Kid," who helped popularize the dance. With this information in mind, it can be inferred that the dentist is advising the boy to keep his teeth clean, by flossing, but since he's such a gamer, he instead believes that she is telling him to do the Fortnite dance. Now THAT is epic! I tried playing Fortnite myself, a few times, but couldn't really get into it. There's too many
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Bad, Barber, and Barbie: This is how she looks every time we're cooking and not giving her anything So I’m at a holiday party right. Next to me is a woman 43 years old fam she didn’t look older than 25. Drop dead gorgeous. And here’s this cosmetic surgeon saying he finnta do a procedure that eliminate these tiny a$$ wrinkles under he eyes and she was being polite but really wasn’t interested and bro I wanted to clock this ugly hair implant MF 😂. Like how u gon tell a woman at a party u gon upgrade her! Fam! She already a dime! Heck u gon upgrade?! Another lil homegirl of mine she just plain Barbie - put her lil a$$ in a pair of shorts and a corvette with Ken with the PP missin and bam, Barbie. She go to a ‘cosmetic dentist’ this MF said she has buck teeth. Lemme tell u...this cosmetic industry satanic 😂. They really lying to u women. Will a barber ever say u DONT need a haircut? Nah - or else he gon go broke! Same. These dudes gon make u feel like something wrong when u already perfect! “I’ll fix those stretch marks” OVER MY DEAD BODY Dr. FESSENJAN PULL A SCALPEL AND IMMA STAB U WITH IT. DONT BODY YA SELF 😂. “Smash we know u lying about the body positive thing to attract thick women” WELL BISH GIVE ME A PP DETECTOR TEST. Put some grey sweatpants on me. Turn around. Pull ya yoga pants down below them cheeks, show me them skretch marks. If I ain’t pitching a full tent, stab me 😂. “wow - you’re really making all the women who had surgery feel bad, we knew u were a Sh!thead.” Well hang on now. If YOU want it, YOU get it! I support that! U wanna get your nose shaped - do you! A$$ shots - do u! BA - do u! BUT DONT LET THE COSMETIC INDUSTRY GUIDE U. THEY GON LIE TO U AND MAKE U FIX SOMETHING THAT DONT NEED FIXING. THEY NEED TO - OR ELSE THEY GON GO OUT OF BUSINESS. LOVE YOURSELF (like I love you 😊). IF U WANNA DO SOMETHING FOR U THEN DO IT BUT DONT LET NOBODY WITH A PP TALK U INTO SOME SH!T LMAO BLESS UP 😍😂😂
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