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epicjohndoe: One-Liner Jokes That Are Actually Funny: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes Ever 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant 4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down 5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now 7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down 8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes 9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years, then we met 10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long 11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything." 12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo 13. Say what you want about deaf people 14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it 15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade." 16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there 17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust 18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people 19. You can never lose a homing pigeon if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon 20. Whiteboards are remarkable 21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. epicjohndoe: One-Liner Jokes That Are Actually Funny

epicjohndoe: One-Liner Jokes That Are Actually Funny

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Can Obama help me write my essay conclusion? Hes got some great one liners.: mindfulwrath honestly "i'll do whatever you want" "then perish" is the single most powerful exchange possible in the english language and it's from some bizarre "hewwo obama rp falling-towers And there was that other post where someone dreamt that Obama said "violence for violence is the rule of beasts" like what is it about Obama that makes people come up with such raw fucking dialogue for him twofingerswhiskey my mother had a dream where he lived in the forest and she had a cigarette with him and he said "to become god is the loneliest achievement of them all" and put it out and walked into the mist and i've never fucking forgotten that ihateeverythingcomic I once dreamed that a giant meteor was headed for earth, and the government had set up loudspeakers throughout the cities so Obama could give a final address - I'll never forget how strangely comforting it was when he said "there are places we've never been before. Some of us have never been to the Alps, some of us have never been to Marrakesh. The next life is simply another place we've never been before, and we're all going to go explore it together." not-regan I had a dream my family housed the Obamas for a weekend and one morning Obama made us oatmeal for breaktast and, looking at my disappointed Tace because | don't like oatmeal, he said "regardless of what we taste, if we eat together, we are happy Can Obama help me write my essay conclusion? Hes got some great one liners.
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theoreticalconstruct: truestoriesaboutme: resting-meme-face: is this Dark Water? This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few: “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.” “Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.” “To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“” “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.” “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.” “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” “If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin” “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.” “If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.” “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.” “If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.” “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.”   “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.” “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.” : If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because man, they're gone theoreticalconstruct: truestoriesaboutme: resting-meme-face: is this Dark Water? This is a Jack Handey quote, actually. People talk about certain writers shitposting before shitposting was a thing, but Jack Handey practically invented shitposting. He wrote these short nonsense one liners and they published them in the National Lampoon and played them on SNL in the 90s. There’s a shit ton of them and they all sound like shitposts. Here’s just a few: “I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.” “Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It’s a shark riding on an elephant’s back, just trampling and eating everything they see.” “To me, it’s always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?,” you can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.“” “If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.” “I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale.  They look and look, but you know what?  They never find him.  And you know why they never find him?  It doesn’t say.  The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide.  Then, at the very end, there’s a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.” “If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down?  We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.” “If you’re an ant, and you’re walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin” “I wish I lived on a planet that had two suns—regular sun and “rogue” sun. That way, when somebody asked me what time it was, I’d say, “Regular time?” And they’d say, “Yeah.”  And I’d say, “Sorry, all I have is rogue time.”  It’d be fun to be a stuck-up rogue-time guy.” “If you’re a cowboy, and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.” “I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you’re having a good idea but it’s just eggs hatching.” “If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it’s okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks.  But ONLY if you’re serious about adopting the vulture.” “If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you’ll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.” “We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients.  But we can’t scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.” There were so many of these, and they were all hilarious. Still are. “It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.” “The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.” “I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.”   “Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.” “The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we’d all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I’m not sure where we’d go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called “Dad.” We’d eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.”
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Just some good old one liners: 21 Best One-Liner Jokes Ever AG.COM 1. I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves 2. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain 3. My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant. 4. Don't let an extra chromosome get you down. 5. I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her. 6. People used to laugh at me when I would say "l want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now 7. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down 8. Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes. 9. My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met. 10. I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long. 11. The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything." 12. My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo 13. Say what you want about deaf people... 14. I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it. 15. I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade." 16. I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there. 17. I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust. 18. People say I'm condescending. That means i talk down to people. 19. You can never lose a homing pigeon if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon 20. Whiteboards are remarkable. 21. I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over. VIA 9GAG.COM Just some good old one liners

Just some good old one liners

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