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Africa, Bilbo, and Empire: GUIDE TO FIGURING OUT THE AGE OF AN UNDATED WORLD MAP (ASSUMING ITS COMPLETE, LABELEDIN ENGUSH, AND DETAILED ENOUGH) DO ANY OF THESE EXIST? INDEPENDENT CANADA US TERRITORY OF ALASKA TOKYO ISTANBUL OR CONSTANTINOPLE? DOES THE SOVIET UNION EXIST? THE HOLY ROTIAN EMPIRE? NO 5 MOST OF EST AFRICA A GIANT FRENCH BLOB? SAUDI 805 OR EARUER THE MODERN IDEAOF A COMPLETE POLITICAL MAP OF THE WORLD GaSHARD ToAPPLY DDES THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE EXIST? ZAIRE? OR HONG KONG (UK) 922-1932 UNION? SOUTH AFRICA? NO HOW MANY VIEINAM5 ARE THERE? TWO ONE SAINTNORTH KOREA? SERBIA/MONTENEGRO ARE. IS JAN MAYEN PART OF THE KINGDOM OF NORWAY? THE UNITED RHODESIA?ALBANIA? HOU SURE ARE YOU THAT THIS MAP lSİN ENGLISH? EAST TİMOR? | | HOW MANY SUDANS THAT ONE UP ARE THERE? CAN YOU SEE THE FAMIUAR CONTİNENTS? / 972-75 าร19-23 1924-29 997-2001 2002-06 910-12 1913-18 | HOW MANY GERMANS ARE THERE? ) | 011BODA? THIS S00NDS LIKE A PHYSICAL MAP OR ONE ONE, BUT ITS HUGE OR TUO 46-47 DANGER EXCLUSION ZONE-AVOID? PARTOFSLEDENF) I SATELLIEPHOTO FLORIDA IS PARTOF. YES, THATS IT 2012-13 RER SRON PERSIA OR IRANEA PARTOF 18%-1905 1906-09 OR 952-53 DOES THE UARNING 930-3435-40 JMMY CARTER IS... BENGATTACKED BYA T FNE VENEZUELA S BOLIMA CHAD MISSING? MENTION THE SPIDERS? THE UNITED 2022 2023 ORUATER CAIR PARAVEL?CAD . ARABR APRIL 20, 1979 1806-10 181-17 884-95 818-29 1830-33 954-57 1958-60 THE SINAI 5 PART OF WHAT COUNTRY? ISRAELIMOSTLY ISRAEL MOSTLY EGYPTEGYPT 976-79 IS THE ARAL BUDA AND PESTSEA MISSING? 970s-90s 2000st MORDOR? I5 THE AREA SOUTH OF LAKE VICTORIAn 198 DOES RUSSIA BORDER THE SEA OF JAPAN? OR BUDAPEST? 961-61 1965-7 WHATS THE CAPITAL OF MICRONESIA? 858-67 873-83 BELERIAND?NÚMENOR? IS THE WORLD ON THE BACK OFATURTLE? THE TOUWN ON I-25 BETUEEN ALBUQUERQUE AND EL PASO IS THE U5s SOUTHERN BORDER LOOKS... LATE FIRST VOLTA OR BURKINA FASO? 948-49 AGE 851-56 CALORMEN? ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A MAP? 982-84 HOW FAR EAST DO THE AMERICAN PRAIRIES REACH? INDIANA THE MISSISSIPPI NEBRASKAWHAT PRAIRIES? THE FOREST EASTOF THE MISIY MOUNTAINS IS IS IT TRYING TO BITE YOU? | (NUMBEROF YEMENS)+(NUMBER OFGERMANYS 1989-EARLY 1990 MID-10 LATE1190-1m IF YOU LET IT GO WHAT DOES IT D0? MRKLJOOD1 THE WOOD OF BEFORE 1830 1830s Os EARLY THRD AGE FOURTH AGE DID YOU MAKE IS THERE A BIG THIRD AGE RECURSIVE LAKE IN THE MIDDLE OFI5 THERE A BIG LAKE IN SOUTHERN CAUFORNIA?THE MIDDLE OFGHANA? CREATED ON PURPOSE IS IT LARGER THAN A BREADBOX? RUNS AJPY AROUND THE RDOM ONE OF THE ITS VERY NICE. TREADER LATER BODOKS ATE 8605-1700s 910s 205-505 60s-70s what-even-is-thiss: galaxybrownies: lastoneout: ceiye: jelloapocalypse: chavisory: mapsrgreat: wildcardarcana: littlethingwithfeathers: cannibalcuisine: dare-to-dm: pyrrhiccomedy: mapsontheweb: Guide to Figuring out the Age of an Undated World Map. No but take the time to actually read it because I lost like 15 minutes. I have a friend who is really good at this type of thing.  He once found an old globe at a garage sale and he was able to pin the date of it’s making down to like a 6 month window, because it only would’ve been correct during a specific point in WWII.   I was mad impressed, because I have no mind for geography.  I can barely remember my own state’s capitol. THIS IS GOLD 😂😂😂 This is amazing. Take the time to actually read it. Holy shit the super specific things towards the end Oh wow! I didn’t know anything about the giant lake in California being created by accident?! I love how it differentiates the maps of Narnia based on which book you’re looking at I almost scrolled past this Hello?
Africa, Bilbo, and Empire: GUIDE TO FIGURING OUT THE AGE OF AN UNDATED WORLD MAP (ASSUMING ITS COMPLETE, LABELEDIN ENGUSH, AND DETAILED ENOUGH) DO ANY OF THESE EXIST? INDEPENDENT CANADA US TERRITORY OF ALASKA TOKYO ISTANBUL OR CONSTANTINOPLE? DOES THE SOVIET UNION EXIST? THE HOLY ROTIAN EMPIRE? NO 5 MOST OF EST AFRICA A GIANT FRENCH BLOB? SAUDI 805 OR EARUER THE MODERN IDEAOF A COMPLETE POLITICAL MAP OF THE WORLD GaSHARD ToAPPLY DDES THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE EXIST? ZAIRE? OR HONG KONG (UK) 922-1932 UNION? SOUTH AFRICA? NO HOW MANY VIEINAM5 ARE THERE? TWO ONE SAINTNORTH KOREA? SERBIA/MONTENEGRO ARE. IS JAN MAYEN PART OF THE KINGDOM OF NORWAY? THE UNITED RHODESIA?ALBANIA? HOU SURE ARE YOU THAT THIS MAP lSİN ENGLISH? EAST TİMOR? | | HOW MANY SUDANS THAT ONE UP ARE THERE? CAN YOU SEE THE FAMIUAR CONTİNENTS? / 972-75 าร19-23 1924-29 997-2001 2002-06 910-12 1913-18 | HOW MANY GERMANS ARE THERE? ) | 011BODA? THIS S00NDS LIKE A PHYSICAL MAP OR ONE ONE, BUT ITS HUGE OR TUO 46-47 DANGER EXCLUSION ZONE-AVOID? PARTOFSLEDENF) I SATELLIEPHOTO FLORIDA IS PARTOF. YES, THATS IT 2012-13 RER SRON PERSIA OR IRANEA PARTOF 18%-1905 1906-09 OR 952-53 DOES THE UARNING 930-3435-40 JMMY CARTER IS... BENGATTACKED BYA T FNE VENEZUELA S BOLIMA CHAD MISSING? MENTION THE SPIDERS? THE UNITED 2022 2023 ORUATER CAIR PARAVEL?CAD . ARABR APRIL 20, 1979 1806-10 181-17 884-95 818-29 1830-33 954-57 1958-60 THE SINAI 5 PART OF WHAT COUNTRY? ISRAELIMOSTLY ISRAEL MOSTLY EGYPTEGYPT 976-79 IS THE ARAL BUDA AND PESTSEA MISSING? 970s-90s 2000st MORDOR? I5 THE AREA SOUTH OF LAKE VICTORIAn 198 DOES RUSSIA BORDER THE SEA OF JAPAN? OR BUDAPEST? 961-61 1965-7 WHATS THE CAPITAL OF MICRONESIA? 858-67 873-83 BELERIAND?NÚMENOR? IS THE WORLD ON THE BACK OFATURTLE? THE TOUWN ON I-25 BETUEEN ALBUQUERQUE AND EL PASO IS THE U5s SOUTHERN BORDER LOOKS... LATE FIRST VOLTA OR BURKINA FASO? 948-49 AGE 851-56 CALORMEN? ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A MAP? 982-84 HOW FAR EAST DO THE AMERICAN PRAIRIES REACH? INDIANA THE MISSISSIPPI NEBRASKAWHAT PRAIRIES? THE FOREST EASTOF THE MISIY MOUNTAINS IS IS IT TRYING TO BITE YOU? | (NUMBEROF YEMENS)+(NUMBER OFGERMANYS 1989-EARLY 1990 MID-10 LATE1190-1m IF YOU LET IT GO WHAT DOES IT D0? MRKLJOOD1 THE WOOD OF BEFORE 1830 1830s Os EARLY THRD AGE FOURTH AGE DID YOU MAKE IS THERE A BIG THIRD AGE RECURSIVE LAKE IN THE MIDDLE OFI5 THERE A BIG LAKE IN SOUTHERN CAUFORNIA?THE MIDDLE OFGHANA? CREATED ON PURPOSE IS IT LARGER THAN A BREADBOX? RUNS AJPY AROUND THE RDOM ONE OF THE ITS VERY NICE. TREADER LATER BODOKS ATE 8605-1700s 910s 205-505 60s-70s what-even-is-thiss: galaxybrownies: lastoneout: ceiye: jelloapocalypse: chavisory: mapsrgreat: wildcardarcana: littlethingwithfeathers: cannibalcuisine: dare-to-dm: pyrrhiccomedy: mapsontheweb: Guide to Figuring out the Age of an Undated World Map. No but take the time to actually read it because I lost like 15 minutes. I have a friend who is really good at this type of thing.  He once found an old globe at a garage sale and he was able to pin the date of it’s making down to like a 6 month window, because it only would’ve been correct during a specific point in WWII.   I was mad impressed, because I have no mind for geography.  I can barely remember my own state’s capitol. THIS IS GOLD 😂😂😂 This is amazing. Take the time to actually read it. Holy shit the super specific things towards the end Oh wow! I didn’t know anything about the giant lake in California being created by accident?! I love how it differentiates the maps of Narnia based on which book you’re looking at I almost scrolled past this Hello?
Advice, Brains, and Coca-Cola: Peanut butter spaceorphan18: sulkingheals: downtroddendeity: jacemp3: monkeysaysficus: audrey-hepbae: catchymemes: 10 tricks you didn’t know you could do with your food. By Blossom The internet went from showing food recipe videos to alchemy in less than a decade. There’s going to be a quick video on how to make the philosopher’s stone from tomato sauce next week.  I WANNA DRINK THE TRANSPARENT SODA leave milk out unrefrigerated in your house for 2 days Some days ago, my sibling sent me this video out of the desperate hope I could provide the catharsis of seeing it torn to pieces. It has now been coming on 72 hours, and only now have I recovered enough to be able to do much of anything but scream, “WHAT?!” and “NO!” at the screen. We had a long discussion about what in the twelve hells this video even is. A surreal, dadaist parody so obscure that our brains aren’t operating on enough levels to comprehend it? The Instagram lifehack equivalent of those terrifying procedurally-generated animated Youtube videos that farm ad revenue by playing millions of times to babies whose parents left the iPad on autoplay? A coded message designed to activate the combat programming of brainwashed cyborg sleeper agents? A post that slipped through a wormhole from an alternate dimension where the laws of reality are different? An emanation of a vast and alien chaos god? I cannot bring myself to confront the claims in this video in the order they are put forth without losing my will to live after the first one, so I will start with the least crazy and work my way up. Bananas to ripen things: More or less true. You’ll sometimes see advice to cooks to store underripe fruit in a paper bag with one piece of overripe (but not rotten) fruit to ripen it more quickly.Misrepresentations: It will probably take longer than overnight to ripen something as green as some of those tomatoes, and it doesn’t have to be a banana. Coca-cola and milk: The coke is more acidic than the milk and curdles it, resulting in solid globs of milk protein which settle out. The brown dye in the coke sticks to the milk protein globs, leaving the excess liquid more or less clear.Misrepresentations: The video has been enormously sped up, which the editing does not make clear; the reaction takes hours. Ketchup to clean metal: To my mild surprise, this is actually a thing (though you could just make a paste out of salt, flour, and vinegar and scrub with that and not get ketchup stains on everything)…Misrepresentations: …for cleaning copper and bronze. Which the jug shown in the video is not. The acid in the ketchup might take some of the tarnish off, say, aluminum, but at that point you might as well just use vinegar. Sparkling water omelet: Omelet souffles are a thing.Misrepresentations: You… literally do not need the sparkling water… you can just beat the eggs until they’re fluffy… “Warm water clears wax from fruits!”: This is a mysterious and arcane procedure called “washing.”Misrepresentations: I don’t know what the hell they even did to the video on this sequence but as a person who has washed many apples in warm water, it does not look like that and the thin layer of edible wax applied to make them look good in the grocery store does not come off that easily. Sprite to clean earrings: Again, this will take tarnish off some metals just due to the acid, but…Misrepresentations: DO YOU WANT GROSS STICKY EARRINGS AND EAR INFECTIONS? JUST USE VINEGAR WATER. Also, “dirt” is not a kind of molecule. (Incidentally, if the earrings are silver, there is a vastly better method that actually reverses the tarnish instead of removing it.) Insta-freeze bottle: This is a real thing…Misrepresentation: …which absolutely will not happen if you follow their instructions, because a) they neglect to mention an important caveat (the water needs to be purified/distilled) and b) 5 minutes is not long enough for a water bottle to supercool. If you google any of the myriad videos and articles of people doing this trick, you’ll see numbers like “3 hours in the freezer” or “40 minutes in a salted ice bath.” There is video of the trick working. Either that footage was taken from someone else, or they knew how to do it, did it, and then deliberately lied about the time for no apparent reason. Putting a broken plate in milk for two days magically fixes it: To my immense surprise, they didn’t make this one up; the idea is that the milk protein casein can form into a plastic at high temperatures and bind to the ceramic. Googling it turned up some hobbyist potters commenting that they’d used it to salvage things that had cracked slightly in the kiln.Misrepresentations: Once again, they’ve misrepresented the method: everything I saw talking about how to do it said to boil the milk and then soak for an hour, not leave it out for two days like an offering to the pixies. And most of what I saw reported about it also said it only really works on hairline cracks, not full breaks, and doesn’t hold up long-term because the real structural damage isn’t repaired. And may leave a faint and persistent odor of boiled milk. Just use superglue. “Reveal the genetic memory of the honeycomb”: This is the kind of gibberish predicated on so many nonsensical assumptions that unpacking it would be more trouble than it’s worth. Plus, well, I can barely see anything with the low video quality, but what I can see of the vague blur doesn’t look much like a honeycomb in the first place. Suffice to say: “Honey looks like a honeycomb” isn’t even in the ballpark of what’s generally meant by “genetic memory,” what’s generally meant by “genetic memory” is also complete hooey, and fluid dynamics is weird and swirling a thick, viscous, water-soluble liquid with a layer of water on top is going to do weird things. But at least that I could potentially attribute to ignorance rather than deliberate intent to deceive, unlike… Hot coals and peanut butter This is the reason it’s taken me this long to post this. Every time I think about it my soul starts to leave my body. It’s such a mind-boggling level of bullshit that every time I’ve tried to put words around an explanation I’m quickly reduced to staring at the screen and mouthing “No” to myself in a voice of quiet despair, because I can’t even figure out where to start. Well, okay, I guess I might as well start by saying I think their… let’s say inspiration on this was articles about scientists who made diamonds out of peanut butter and carbon dioxide. …With a press that’s designed to recreate the conditions of the earth’s mantle, and which is prone to exploding. So, you know, not something you can do in your kitchen. Unless you have one hell of a kitchen. You can see the direct links to this in the nonsensical claim that this “works” because peanut butter contains carbon dioxide. (It doesn’t, particularly. It’s crushed peanuts mixed with oil. You know what would have a lot of carbon dioxide? The fire you pulled that glowing lump of charcoal out of.) It also mentions “pressure” when no particular pressure is involved, presumably because we’ve all heard about turning coal into diamond under heat and pressure. Chemically speaking, there’s very little to make that crystal out of except carbon, unless you want to posit a mass migration of all the sugar molecules in the peanut butter to the center of the coal. And “carbon crystal” = “diamond,” and do you think if it was that easy to make diamonds they’d be that expensive? I will guarantee you that crystal is a lump of quartz they covered in black crud and then peanut butter to pretend it was the charcoal. But, of course, all of that is irrelevant, because by reblogging this at all, even to performatively despair that the internet does not seem to have come all that far since the days of Infinite Chocolate, I’m playing into their hands. Lifehack clickbait has done this forever- they deliberately seed in wrong or awful advice because people will share that to say how stupid/wrong it is. They led with complete insanity to get attention, and I gave them eyeballs on the video watching this, and I’ll be giving them more from writing this. Maybe I’ll stick to the chaos god theory. It’s less depressing. @ohnofixit I apologize for being stupid enough to believe that video so reblogging the breakdown of why it was wrong. Why you shouldn’t believe everything on the internet. 
Apparently, Church, and Food: siniristiriita siniristiriita Guys, I did the math I did not get clear data on the specific era, but considering how nutrition has affected human height over history, it would be safe to assume that an average man 2000 years ago would be shorter than an average man today. While one's genetics and therefore ancestry - do affect height, I found no sufficiently satisfying and reliable data on how ethnicity comes to this, so l've elected to ignore it, and estimated the most likely average height of an adult galilean israelite man to be about 160 cm Assuming that a combination of an active lifestyle involving a lot of walking and having unreliable food sources would end one up on the lower end of the BMI scale. A BMI of 19.5 would amount to roughly 50 kilos The volume of blood in a human body is roughly 7% of one's body weight, so that would mean 7,5 kg of blood and 42,7 kg of body If a box of 1000 communion wafers weights 0,25 kg, then one unit is about 0,00025 kg. The average serving of the wine is estimably 140 ml. If we assume that the ratios of wine and blood, and bread and body are 1:1, that would be 170 000 wafers. Since the density of blood is 1,04 g/cc, 140 ml would be about 145 grams. That is roughly 52 servings of wine. Therefore, the limiting factor is the dry mass The catholic church allows one to receive communion up to twice per day. So if you attend twice per day, every single day, it would take you roughly 232 years to consume an entire Jesus 9 notes the mystery that apparently needed solving

the mystery that apparently needed solving

Apparently, Ass, and Bad: bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie: erinnightwalker: erinnightwalker: geostatonary: sixpenceee: “A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.” (Source) “HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.” “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“ I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia. One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless. For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura. When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch. I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats. What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.) The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words. The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel. Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music. Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.) After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss. “……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.” “No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!” “WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.” “What the hell does that mean?!!” “DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.” “……..” “THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.” Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this…. Since you asked nicely ^_^ Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job. After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.) Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it. Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.) He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound. “You….you alright there buddy?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Right. Um. Well.” Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form. When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window. Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges. “Nice night for it, huh?” “…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “ “Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.” “ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Anytime.” There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son. When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included). IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.) While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.) So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy. When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open. A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps. “GACK!” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?” “GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!” “I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Is he supposed to be…..skinless?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.” “…….laPDOG?!” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.” “……” “THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.” A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces. “NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?” “I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.” Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten. Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”) This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash OMIGOSH I’m in love. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.
Anime, College, and Tbh: LAW & ORDER SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT NBC <p><a href="http://theultradork.tumblr.com/post/172456608283/theultradork-muslimahcrow-theultradork" class="tumblr_blog">theultradork</a>:</p> <blockquote><p><a href="http://theultradork.tumblr.com/post/172456170903/muslimahcrow-theultradork-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">theultradork</a>:</p><blockquote> <p><a href="https://muslimahcrow.tumblr.com/post/172456020101/theultradork-libertarirynn" class="tumblr_blog">muslimahcrow</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://theultradork.tumblr.com/post/162261244523/libertarirynn-oldfashionedfeminist-probably" class="tumblr_blog">theultradork</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://libertarirynn.tumblr.com/post/162260821699/oldfashionedfeminist-probably-the-dumbest" class="tumblr_blog">libertarirynn</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://oldfashionedfeminist.tumblr.com/post/160939030179/probably-the-dumbest-episode-ive-seen-yet-woman" class="tumblr_blog">oldfashionedfeminist</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Probably the dumbest episode I’ve seen yet. Woman willingly sleeps with Admissions Director in order to help her daughter to get into a college. The man who she slept with lied about his identity, so they say that he raped her - even though she consented. Who thought this one up? Can someone logically explain this episode? Maybe I misunderstood something.</p></blockquote> <p>More evidence that SVU should’ve gone off the air years ago.</p> </blockquote> <p>NOTHING will top the gamer episode tbh.</p> </blockquote> <p>Wasn’t there an anime episode, though?</p> </blockquote> <p>Nah man. Hard to top the amount of pure, made-up BS in this. So much cringe.</p> <figure class="tmblr-embed tmblr-full" data-provider="youtube" data-orig-width="540" data-orig-height="304" data-url="https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3Dx2klLy8r8Ro"><iframe width="540" height="304" id="youtube_iframe" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/x2klLy8r8Ro?feature=oembed&amp;enablejsapi=1&amp;origin=https://safe.txmblr.com&amp;wmode=opaque" frameborder="0" gesture="media" allow="encrypted-media" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></figure></blockquote> <p>Ah, and this little gem before that.</p><figure class="tmblr-embed tmblr-full" data-provider="youtube" data-orig-width="540" data-orig-height="304" data-url="https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2Fx6VtUEB3krY"><iframe width="540" height="304" id="youtube_iframe" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/x6VtUEB3krY?feature=oembed&amp;enablejsapi=1&amp;origin=https://safe.txmblr.com&amp;wmode=opaque" frameborder="0" allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen=""></iframe></figure></blockquote>

theultradork: theultradork: muslimahcrow: theultradork: libertarirynn: oldfashionedfeminist: Probably the dumbest episode I’ve seen ye...