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Apple, Bad, and Beard: m4ge i walk into starbucks and order a pumpkin spice latte with 13 shots of espresso. i tell the barista that i intend to transcend humanity and become a god. i ask for no whip cream avantgaye you say this jokingly but i had a customer actually order a pumpkin spice latte with 9 shots of espresso (also no whip) and when i asked her to verify that she did indeed want 9 shots of espresso she looked me dead in the eyes and said "i have 5 kids" witchcraft-with-space-bean I once had a woman come in and ordered an Americano with 19 shots of espresso. The drink took ages. It held up the line. I asked her why, and she shrugged and said "I just don't care". We still talk about that woman. We never saw her again. anais-ninja-blog new cryptid: exhausted woman at starbucks katjohnadams Actual conversation I had at register: "Hi, welcome to [Starbucks]! What can get you, today?" "How much is it to fill a Venti with Espresso?" "- I'm sorry?" "A venti cup. How much to fill it with Espresso?" "Oh, uh. Well, it'd be I suppose... I only have a button for a Quad. I don't have special pricing for twenty ounces of espresso in a single... drink." "Price is the furthest thing from my mind right now. How many 'add shots' is that?" *deep breath of fear* "It'd be a quad with clears throat* "uh, sixteen additional shots of espresso. But, ma'am, I should tell you that the shots will start to get really bitter if they have to sit and wait for us to pull twenty of them-" Taste means nothing to me." At this point I am truly fearing for my very existence in the presence of what must clearly be an eldritch being. "Oh. Well, okay." I put on my absolute best customer service smile to hide my terror and accept that I must face this dragon, fae, or demon with dignity. "We can certainly get that for you! The price will be She begins to pay, I shit thee not, with golden dollar coins. We are a block from Wall Street and this eldritch demi-being is paying for an unholy elixer with golden coins. My life will end soon, I am sure of it "Do you still have the 'Add Energy' packets?" My heart began to race at this request. "Yes ma'am. "How many can I add?" Futile though it is, at least I know the rote response to this. "For health reasons, we won't add more than one per drink and we cannot sell the packets individually." "One then" I alter the order and tell her the new price. She pays, dumps the change and five golden dollars into the tip box. I write the order on the venti cup and pass it silently to the girl working the hot beverage station. Normally we called and pass, but this was.. not something to be spoken aloud. My fellow takes the cup, not thinking anything of the minor break with protocol, until she sees the order. She stares at me. "No. The woman, which I call her for no other greater insight into her terrifying being is within my grasp, simply stands on the other side and says, calmly but with a commanding tone expect of Admirals in bad movies, "Yes." My fellow barista pales before her task. But we are dutiful, we are true to our task, great though it may be. She sets about clearing the two brand new Matrena's of all distraction, and sets two tall cups in the ready position. The energy packet is emptied into the venti cup, and the shots begin pouring The barista was damn near shaking. This woman's gaze felt like the fires of the sun. Finally, the shots are pulled, the cup is filled, and the hand off takes place. Our visiting Incomprehensible takes it to our milk bar and adds a dollop of cream. Satisfied, she proceeds to down what must have been half the damn cup. Then she smiled at us, like a benediction and I was honestly filled with joy. And horror. She left knew nothing more of her after that When I talk with other former employees, we quickly begin talking about "The Company as if we'd never I, perhaps knowing that part of our soul still powers that awesome and terrible corporate machine. And when I share this stroy, other Baristas at first act shocked but quickly settle and comes the chorus, "Yeah, I had one like that." agingwunderkind Imade a five shot Americano for someone back in my barista days, and I thought HE was insane, now I'm just agog. jumpingjacktrash the venti espresso woman was definitely dragon throwmeinboys i dont know WHY but expresso is the only good coffee, everything else is compost water doyouhearthunder @phantom-tastic weirdest customer story? phantom-tastic We used to have this absolutely massive russian man come in every once in a while and order a grande americano with 7 shots of espresso (reg has 3) and it physically pained me to make it every time. Ive had my fair share of everything-but-the- ppuccino orders. Pec kitchen-sink would ask us to blend 2, even 3 bananas into their drink... someone asked me to blend a chocolate chunk cookie into theirs once? It wasn't half bad. But my favourite weird customer is The Garlic Man. The past couple of months this man has come into our store, absolutely REEKING of raw garlic. He has a salt and pepper beard and an Indiana Jones hat. Orders "An Apple Chai". That's not a drink, at least not in sbux Canada. He explains to me it's a chai tea latte where you substitute the hot water for steamed apple juice. We make it. He has a southern accent so I ask him if he's visiting someone for the holidays. Under his breath and with his eyes darting both ways he says "Yeah you could say Im gonna be here for a while.." Sits down at the long table in the cafe, where people are working on their laptops. He discreetly proceeds to pull out, from his bag, a chopping board. And some garlic. And a knife. He dices up his own garlic in the cafe and then eats it. We look on in horror He comes back and does this 2 or 3 more times before we never see him again. doyouhearthunder Yeah, that guy was definitely a vampire hunter. Source: m4ge 385,292 notes Snort Some Coffee
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Alive, Being Alone, and Candy: MC-kun cracks his eyes open, ears ringing, head throbbing from the crack against the concrete below. His eyes are swimming with tears, and he blinks them away, bringing Villain-chan back into focus. She stands just above him, leaning over him, knife at the ready, her other hand gripped around his pink hair. He's done for. She's got him. He understands that in an instant, as he's too dizzy to even stand. But there's something else about this that sends a wave of shock rippling down hiss spine, a twisting familiarity to be staring into her eyes. "I know you," he says, before he's even processed the words. Villain-chan should have shorn him right there. She doesn't. She freezes instead, "No, you don't." "Iknow yo..." MC-kun insists again. The memory swimming behind his eyes is hazy. "You're.. the hospital." he continues, and I classmate. You came to shuts his eves again as the throbbing pain increases. He expects Villain-chan to slice his hair right then, and be done with it, There's nothing more to buy him any time She doesn't. He feels nothing except the pounding in his head. In that instant, it floods back, and douses him like ice water, and his eves snap open. He's looking directly into hers. "Not a classmate. It's you. It's you.." Villain-chan is pinned to the spot. Her eves are wide, mouth parted just slightly. "Stop..." Kyoko." Stop." "Of course I know you. You're Kyoko. How did I forget that..?" Her arip loosens on MC-kun's hair, She leans back, Tears brim in her eyes, against her will, against her better judgement. She should move, she should act, but she can't. She shakes her head. "Please stop... Please don't remember" "Ineed to know." MC-kun shuts his eyes hard, opening them .l. chapter of life his flooding before his eyes. "Kyoko, do you remember me?" Her tears fall, The knife drops "Of course" She drops now, on her knees. beside MC-kun. "Takashi... MC-kun Takashi - sits up. He braces a hand to the back of his head, and then pulls one knee up to his chest. e wraps his arms around i and slumps forward. "Why are you doing this, Kyoko? I that time in the hospital, you only ever came to see And why... me once, why? "The answer to both those questions is that same," Villain-chan- Kyoko admits. She's slumped forward too, avoiding eye contact, toying with the rim of the knife she dropped. "To put you back to normal, and send you back to normal. So you don't ever have to deal with this bullshit ever again." "No one was forcing me. No one is forcing us. We don't want to be sent back. And I wanted to stay with you. So why?" "You died staying with me, you dumbass. And didn't you see the emails? The shadow-realm and the murdered brother and the mafia? That's like, a one month itinerary for me! That's the fate you're tempting the longer you dress up like - you four don't belong here. You belong in the real world, living real lives, growing p like normal people." Kyoko threads her fingers through her the way through. "You don't hair, pulling at the r roots, pink understand how valuable that is. Kyoko straightens up some. Her face is set, like a parent mid-lecture. "You, Mariko," she points a finger to GG-chan, "you can still finish art school if you just go back now. They haven't expelled you yet. You've got government agencies hounding you for your hacking syeah? What sort of lite is that until one c f your ou to hack the moon? Suck it up, accept your in sculpting, and go home." Kyoko's attention shifts. Ryosuke"RBR-kun flinches, Kyoko continues. "Call your grandmother for pete's sake. She's tired of having to route through an agent of an agent of your agent in order to get in contact with you. Also? You can't afford all those agents. You're gonna t the wall eventually. Get out now, before you're struggling to get out of debtors prison. "And Sakura." MG-chan doesn't flinch. She knew she was next Just.. go home. Stop enabling this. You don't have many ties to your family, or home life in general, I get that. But it's better than having everything you love taken hostage by giants. Go home, and don't use vour skills to unleash this evil on anvone else." Kyoko curls in on herself. Her voice drops. "All of you, go home Takashi especially, And forget about this. And cut your losses here, before your life gets stuck like this, and your friends and family reyes snap to Takashi. "And if you don't agree, I'll see to sufte it myself." So wait, you're still gonna like, shear us like sheep? After all that?" RBR-kun- Ryosuke - asks, He points hastily to his entirely bleached suit. "After what you did to my Gucci suit!" "Why didn't you tell us this from the beginning? Why run around like some, ninja-murderer huh?" GG-chan Mariko asks. She's placed the shattered frames back on her face, but the illusion is lost. Kyoko lets out a quiet laugh. "For starters, you're all stubborn. And most people wouldn't believe me if I tried to tell them dying their hair pink will lead to ruin. And there are too many of you. It's better to hit as many as I can. To scare the fakes into believing they've been found out, to attack them and let them feel what it's like to be in danger, to be targeted, and have them reach the conclusion themselves that they just want things to be normal again. And as for the natural main characters who got swept up in this... I can't save them, but I've at least bought them a small reprieve, just a little bit of peace until their roots grow back, and the cycle starts I over for them. Her gaze drops to her hands, "It.. was really the best plan I could with, I got pulled into this competition naturally, I was going to iust, let it run its course. ...And then I saw Takashi. The very first day. Couldn't believe it. PrayedI was wrong. I looked him dead in the eyes and... and it was him, and he didn't recognize me. com He was just... back. Pink hair now. Thrown back into this world. I had to act, but I was scared to face him, You, You, Takashi." She looks at him now. "That photo I slipped under your door... It's one Itook of you, We were hanging out at the park. I've been hanging the last piece I had of vou." onto it. Takashi stands. His face is in shadow, eves obscured beneath a shock of pink hair. His hands are curled tight. "I'm disappointed in you, Kyoko..." he mutters, and his voice is like ice. "What happened to you these last six months? When did you just give up?" Silence meets him. He reaches down, pulls Kyoko standing, and grips her by the shoulders. She can see his eyes now, and they are filled with fire, "This isn't the Kyoko I know talking. The one l know gave her all to save everyone she could. The Kyoko I knew was alive, and she was passionate, and she was ready to intervene when needed. Not this cynicism. Not this bleakness." "MY optimism just about got you killed, what part of that are you missing here? Of course I've changed. I'm the Kyoko now who doesn't let innocent background kids get themselves killed. I failed you once by letting you get taken down....And I've failed you again, by letting you remember, I'm trying to become the Kyoko who doesn't fall for those failures." "There's something I don't like about what you said. You said to cut this out before we let our friends or family suffer. Well look yourself" Takashi shakes her by the shoulders. His whole face moves out of shadow, pained beyond reason. "Because you're my end- and I'm watching you suffer all enyou were my best frier *. takes a step back, and angles his hand with his thumb pointing to his own chest. "You don't have to do this all alone. And the fact - I failed you, Kyoko..." His shoulders fall words slip quieter. "I failed you. And I'm so, so sorry that I left you like about that "Stop... Stop doing this thing you do," Kyoko whispers. She stares her own palms. "Stop making me think it's okay to let down my guard. Stop making me dream about being not alone again, it's cruel of you, Offering things that will only hurt both in the end. That's so cruel" "Well then allow me to be cruel too, as payback for the mear hae el things you said earlier" MG-chen- Sakura losed the can between them. She stands, hipss squared, appraising Kyoko. "I also take issue with the stuff you said. Especially the thing about being hunted making us normal kids back down. Ryosuke, sure, but not me, That's when I rise up. I've been hunting for an explanation of how this world works, and now you've handed it over, And I want to know what exactly do you expect to happen to those candy hairs who vou sent home bleached and shorn and ruined? The ones whose uncles are in the shadow-realm and whose brothers were mob bosses? Are they lost causes? Not your problem? Be- yond any salvation?" She prods Kyoko's shoulder. "Have you given on them, I'm guessing, because you've given up on yourself?" Kyoko takes a step back. The challenge bothers her. "Because i Thera's it There's there's no use trving to help them when it'll be something new the next day." "Then why did you let me tag along for so long?" Takashi asks. "I never thought it was a wasted effort, did vou?" "No." Kyoko breathes. "No. never. Not once. But that was my fault for letting you. My fault for being so lonely that I I relied too heavily on you, it wasn't fair, it wasn't right, it got you hurt, it cost you your memory Well what if." Sakura continues. "there had been a third person with you? What if it hadn't been just you and Takashi? What if there had been someone else to watch vour back?" "They would have been in danger to.." "Less danger than you and Takashi alone. And if you all had each other's back, maybe Takashi would have gotten out of that fight unharmed" "Stop it. Stop. You don't know what you're talking about." Sakura scoffs, "And vou think you know what you're talking about when you're just, what, trashing my decisions? Choosing my like who I am and ubt ack to my no And while I wouldn't say I'm your friend, I am Takashi's friend. And he and I are in this together." She sticks a hand out, fist curled, in ing v friends the center f the three of them. "And I'm not going home. Takashi joins her hand, nigh instantly. And Mariko's hand sneaks in from behind. like what Sakura said. I don't want to o back to sculpting. And I also don't want to hack for governments either. I'd rather use this gift to help my friends. I'd rather save someone who needs my saving, however I can do that." A pause follows. And with a big, exaggerated huff, Ryosuke joins them, his Gucci suit reeking of bleach. "I've had a lot more fun with these plebeians than I've had in a long while. I wasn't anyone special before I put on the Gucci suit... and I wasn't anyone special afterward, either, But it was nicer to share than with people... with friends... I hadn't had that before." His eyes shift left and right. "And I still owe Sakura about $200 for my outfits because I've run fusable credit cards so, I can't flake until that debt is repaid." out "I'd be more worried about the hundreds of thousands in loan shark debt." Mariko adds. "Shh, Shut it, I'm trving to have a moment here, okay?" Ryosuke answers "One time me and Kyoko had to retrieve this Faberge dragon egg that was worth like, several small countries,"" Takashi says. "Next time something like that comes up l'll invite you along: "Ooh, charming!" The fifth person in the circle slips down, onto her knees. Kyoko is the floor now, staring vacantly at it, seemingly disconnected, until her eves fill with tears, and she curls over, face in her hands. Why?Why go this far when you're able to go home, and be normal. Why subject yourself to my curse all over...?" "Because we're friends," Takashi answers simply. He reaches down, and pulls her up. "And I've let you down as a friend before. And I refuse to ever do that again. And... I don't know if it's part of this weird world we've all stepped into, but somehow friendship feels like the best possible motivation I could think of right now." He raises his free hand, finger pointing upward. "Plus, it doesn't have to be just us. It can be all the candy haired kids we met here No one needs to be facing this curse alone. Maybe it's extra work r us all, sure, but if we can ease evervone's burden, and work together, and find friendship with each other maybe that's a new normal that's worth protecting." hand is trembling. She shuts her eyes, and bows her head, Kyoko's and sticks h hand into the circle, joining the other four. Takashi grabs her hand inside the circle. And he squeezes it tight. "Thank you."
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Anime, God, and School: Hear my prayer, O God; give ear to the strov thee for ever, he pluck thee out of thy ee out of the land of For strangers are risen up against me, and oppressors seek after my soul: they have no words of my mouth MARCH 8TH... Behold, God is mine helper: the Lord is with them that uphold my soul He shall reward evil unto mine enemies set God before them. Selah. see, and fear, and r made not God he abundance of himself in his "E will freely sacrifice unto thee: I will praise thy name, O LORD; for it is good. For he hath delivered me out of all trouble and mine eye hath seen his desire upon mine cut them off in thy truth. ree in the house of God for ever enemies. ause thou hast name; for it is PSALM 55 To the chief Musician on Neginoth Maschil, A Psalm of David IVE ear to my prayer, O God; and hide not thyself from my supplication Attend unto me, and hear me: I mourn in my complaint, and make a noise Because of the voice of the enemy, because of the oppression of the wicked: for they cast iniquity upon me, and in wrath they hate me. My heart is sore pained within me: and the terrors of death are fallen upon me sFearfulness and trembling are come upon me and horror hath overwhelmed me. 6And I said, Oh that I had wings like a dovel for then would I fly away, and be at rest. Lo then would I wander far off, and remain in the wilderness. Selah T would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest. Destroy, O Lord, and divide their tongues for I have seen violence and strife in the city 1Day and night they go about it upon the walls thereof: mischief also and sorrow are in ahalath G id There is no have done that doeth upon the any that they are ne that Sak Yoshida after opending three years at middie school graduated ithou knowl- bread: o fear Segh him hem 2. ome the nd the midst of it. WHA DO Y WAN TO AFTE THIS Wickedness is in the midst thereof: deceit and guile depart not from her streets. For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: But it was thou, a man mine equal, my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together, and walked unto the house of God in company LETS GO TO THAT PLACE HOw did it end this HH R wait a minute, this isn't the bible.

wait a minute, this isn't the bible.

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Meme, Thot, and Ups: April 28, 2019 at 1:33 PM Dear Felix, I wanted to speak about where I was a couple of years ago During the span of 2016 2018, I dealt with severe OCD and anxiety. It would lead me to overthink passive intrusive thoughts, and it was the source of numerous ups and downs of depression A large portion of what I got stuck on was the topic of suicide. I got stuck on questions such as "how would people react if I was no longer here" and "what if I were to actually do it" It sucked, to put it lightly You may only vaguely remember it, but a couple of years ago you posted a video with the purpose of reminding people that it was Mental Health Awareness Month. You specifically mentioned that you used to go through the same sort of thoughts that I was going through at that time. Your positive words and kindness gave me additional motivation I needed to continue pushing through my mental health battle, and I'm here today as a direct result of that. I understand that you may feel like you just post videos and that you don't know how people might feel that way about your content, but so many people including myself are so much more happy because of you In terms of your recent comments about wanting to end the Sub to Pewds" meme, I completely understand where you're coming from. It absolutely pained me to see your name dragged into such a horrific event as the Christchurch shooting, and I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like on your end. I want you to know that you had nothing to do with that. The shooter may have said "Sub to Pewds" but they did it because of it being a meme at thot point in time, and out of the wanting to create as much horrific drama as possible. You had nothing to do with the awful tragedy that occurred. You are an outstanding human being and have helped and saved so many people. Thanks again for everything. If you ever need absolutely anything, so many people including myself are here for you u/fohnjoster07 I’ve posted this here previously, but here’s a message for Felix. #ThankYouPewDiePie <3

I’ve posted this here previously, but here’s a message for Felix. #ThankYouPewDiePie <3

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Apparently, Ass, and Bad: I l I I t This is a cautionary tale and - unlike most of the other reviews on this product- this is a true story and its authenticity can be qualified by a small news item that appeared local news would consider myself a prudent man. Not given to bouts of outspokenness or craving attention, and certainly not one to rock the boat. On any given day I can be found This Confectionery, Satan's Sweetmeat, Lucifer's Lozenges- the horror that is known as 'Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears the scene: It was late winter/early spring in Toronto and the city had just been digging itself out from a late season snow-stom. I was heading to Pearson International new software that had been i tely being prevent my place of work from being linked in any way to the incident that occurred). I had just finished packing, checked the time and found I was running late, my flight was 0 PM and it was now almost 5:00 PM. Cursing softly, I ran out to the car and threw my bags in the trunk, hitting the gas a little harder than usual in my haste to make it the Long Term Parking Lot as soon as possible. Luckily traffic was light on the 401 and I made it to the airport in record time, but knew that my chances of making the flight the busy terminal, mortified that my bodily noises might be heard by others. I briskly checked my watch and decided that I had enough time to grab a quick snack before going through the baggage check and security, and would get something more substantial once I was checked through security. I spotted a vending machine nestled in a relatively already pulling out save time machine. My eyes scanned the colourful array of confection quickly, coming to rest on a tantalizing, rainbow-coloured bag of gummy bears with the simple white and red logo a slightly tweaked Helvetica Rounded font. Now Id to pause here in the story for a moment to underscore the importance of making proper choices. I was hungry. When you're hungry, you should eat FOOD. FOOD is defined as "a nutritious substance that people consume to maintain life", this is what food is. These days, the definition of the word 'food' has been bastardized and the meaning has been broadened to include veritably any material that can be digested, or rather, chewed and swallowed without causing death or severe illness. "Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears" are NOT food. They aren't even from this planet I imagine their origins being conceived in a boardroom in hell by a top team of Creative Pain Administers, with senior level Demons rubbing their hands together in ghoulish delight as Hell's Chief Chemist slowly lifts the veil on their new creation. The point here being, I made a very, very, very poor choice. I pushed the button and the vending machine ejected the brightly coloured bag into my awaiting hands. I had always t overly sweet Il anthropomorphic bears from The way a holiday from life, so I could relax my fastidiously regimented daily schedule a little to allow for some frivolity. After all, I was going t Amsterdam come morning with 16 hours to kill before I had to be training the Dutch employees, maybe Iwould take a trip down to one of the Coffee Shops in the Red hair down! No, I wouldn't do that. I would see that area of the city from the bus as I went to the hotel where I would eat at the hotel restaurant joined the queue in the KLM line, which was mercifully short, most likely because all of the passengers for my flight had already been checked through as the flight was scheduled to depart in an hour. I checked my watch again, frowned, and absent-mindedly opened the bag of "Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears" and began to munch on them a the line slowly advanced. To be fair, they tasted fine-just like every other manufacturer's brand of the colourful candy, and they were sugar-free to boot. This is what made the whole incident that followed so baffling - if they had tasted off or 'different I most likely wouldn't have continued to shovel them into my mouth absent-mindedly while I gave the attendant my e-ticket and she weighed my bags, the first of the pains began in my stomach. I thought nothing the fact that I needed more rapid through security, but at that point my discomfort was manageable and I didn't think it was get any worse, certainly not within the amount of time it would take to clear security I joined the line and started fishing for my passport to present to the agent checking tickets, I felt a thin sheen of sweat break out features flushed for a moment as a wave of heat washed over me. I didn't pay it much heed as going through security always caused me great anxiety and I chalked it flight jitters It was only as I stood face to face with the agent and handed her my passport and ticket that I had a glimpse of the agony that was about to begin. It felt like time rippled for a moment, as if my consciousness buckled so intense was the pain that fired through my bowels. I grimaced spastically and emitted a low moan, and felt myself take involuntary step sideways. Stars shot though my head briefly and my vision blurred and then snapped back into focus. The agent was staring at me with slight consternation and asked me if I was alright. I pulled myself together, stood up straight and declared that I was fine, mortified that I had had a lapse of decorum not only in public but at the had t It was becoming increasingly more evident to me that this wasn't just a stomach ache. No, this was something much worse. As a child I had had a bout of diarrhea after a trip to Mexico with my family, I remember the feeling of nausea that swept through me before my child self had surrendered to the gas pains and parked myself on the toilet for an hour, s"ting until I felt like I didn't have any bones left. And that was how I was feeling now, with several key differences-the pain was impending m exploding A sudden shock of pain racked my body, and I half wondered if I was going to give birth to a Tasmanian Devil. The crazy, fever-induced image of said cartoon animal chasing Bugs Bunny through the splashy, volcanic s -kettle that was my stomach, caused distant look in my eyes, sweat now beginning to poor off of my like a long-distance runner in Kenya. The security agent on the other side of the detector shot a quick glance over to her co-worker who narrowed his eyes and made a subtle movement towards his holster. My breathing became uneven as I entered the metal detector and I realized with alarm that I had taken off my socks without even registering it, and one of my shirt tails was untucked at the front. I held my breath, my eyes bulging dangerously from my head o illicit a the machine scanned me. As I shakily moved forward towards the agent for a pat down, my stomach began to illicit sounds that can only be described as otherworldly. It started off a sort-off bubbling sound heard from afar and grew in pitch and intensity at an alarming rate. My jaw dropped in shock as what I can only describe as the sound agonized wailing aแey-cat in heat with a persistent oppler effect added to its voice emitted from some nether-region of my intestines. The officer's eyes widened in alarm, and she kept her eyes glued to my stomach as she thoroughly patted me down. As she reached my shins, I felt my innards suddenly expand, and plummet towards my rectum. With -like reflexes I squeezed my sphincter shut with what seemed like nano-seconds to spare, and I knew, I KNEW that if I didn't get the bathroom immediately I would s the like a duck, trying to remain as inconspicuous as possible, not even caring now what other people were seeing in front of them - a disheveled, barefoot 40-year-old business man, red-faced and bulgy-eyed, sweating profusely, shaking slightly and walking without bending his knees. With single-minded intensity I grabbed my carry-on, shoes and socks from out of the plastic tub that had passed the x-ray inspection, and without putting anything back on, I turned on my heels with the intention of finding the nearest restroom and slowly dying there one squirt at a time. Ⅰ turned to go and found myself staring at three armed agents who stopped me and asked if I would follow them. "Why what's the matter?-stammered, wincing slightly as the RIGHT NOW" I pleaded. Just follow us please", they said, leaving no room for argument. The other travellers clearing the security check stared with curiosity and revulsion at the the airport had nabbed some sort of domestic terrorist. If I hadn't been feverishly trying to hold back the eruption of Mount Vesuvius, I likely would have died of shame. With each step I took towards the room that they ushered me into, I felt that my legs would give way. I marvelled at how strong the human will could be. Marvelled at what was speech seemed to strain the tenuous and extremely fragile truce l had negotiated between my bowels and the tempest that raged within. "I have to go the bathroom. essentially patching a hole in the Hoover Dam with bubblegum could actually be sustained indefinitely. Maybe I would make it through this ordeal after all. The room they closed off all but the absolutely necessary into was functions breathing, ability to walk-but I snapped back to reality when I heard the snap of rubber. The slow dawning of realization poked through my agony and stoic resolve "Sir, we are going to perform a cavity search on you', a young fresh-faced agent stated in a firm but emotionless voice. His short-cropped, blond hair was immaculate and crazy moment I wondered if he was an actor and this was all some sort of elaborate practical joke done to amuse bored kids watching Youtube. He must have taken my tortured silence for resistance because he looked at me sharply and said "Lower your pants and underwear please, and face the desk. Panic started to grip me sudden adrenaline threatened to destroy my sphincters bulwarks and rend my anus in two. I inhaled sharply and with a pained gasp I doubled up my efforts to clench my cheeks together. "Sir, please, I begged deferring to this kid in an act of desperation, "T have to go to the bathroom.You can follow me into the stall if you need to but I had some bad Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears" and now I feel like, but they had stopped listening and smirked at each other, two of the other agents- a tall, dark-haired female and a shorter, balding fat man looked away from me and I could see them shaking a little as they stifled their laughs "Sit, face the wall, put your hands on the desk and spread your grasp and the s" the young agent stated, a lop-sided gr the focus began to narrow, as I rallied for the final battle. Shaking uncontrollably and sweat literally raining down onto the tabletop in from of me, I tuned to face the wall and heard a meek childlike voice, pleading from somewhere in the room. "Please", it said, and then again, "Please". From somewhere within had issued from me, although my consciousness had now begun to separate from my body and I held my breath and prayed to God for strength recognized that this sound He probably has some heroin or something up there that opened up", the female guard said as a part o that she was left, probably high as a kite, LOOK at him, she said. The shorter guard agreed with a snort, off to my right. Spread your cheeks the young agent said, his voice directly behind me and lower than the other two, "and bend over" felt like I was lost in an opium fog and sounds filtering through to create a volley of pain tore desk, my focus completely narrowed now to a spot on the wall two feet in front of me, a curious imperfection in the what seemed to be white-washed stone wall. It was a dark blotch about five millimetres long and shaped like a smiling bear, a yellow dancing bear. No, a green bear. No, red. It was all the colours of the rainbow. My god, it was beautiful simple as a slight breeze to trigger A That's o dogs and cats li me, my mouth agape, glazed and blood-shot, face coated with a sheen of sweat, I heard the softest sound, an exhalation from the young agent behind me, and then at the same instant the warnm is breath feather across my butt cheeks. For just a moment, maybe less, maybe a split second, even a nanosecond, I felt the presence of God there with me in that room a neurons began to misfire at a blinding rate, nerve ending bristled and muscles twitched reflexively. I stood on the brink with one foot hovering over the edge, and then without found myself plummeting With a sound like an extra large plastic ketchup bottle being run over by a Mac truck, my sphincter released. The pressure of the blast pushed me hard into the desk and the legs eyes rolled back i way out of my body. Tremors wracked my body and I must have looked like a fish out of water with an endless stream of s head like a half-retarded dog and I emitted a low, sustained groan that grew in pitch as the filthy torrent pushed i firing out of its ass. Other sounds and sensations esapeed screaming the same time the omnipresent rface with own ecstatic,mhe h though an aeore When my ordeal had eventually run its course, I was left panting for breath and wobbly legged, half-crying, half-laughing with reliet, barely lucid and feeling as if I had birthed n elephant. My colon felt like someone had poured chile sauce all over it and then sent in a colony of fire ants to eat it. Through my sobs I heard the sound of dripping, like when the sprinklers are eventually turned off after an office fire, or after a thunderstorm when the willow that overhangs a pond continues to rain down long after the sky has stopped. From behind me, the sobbing continued and I heard someone trying to speak into a walkie-talkie but nonsensical words were all that the man could speak, which sounded like the ravings o With great relief, I slowly pulled myself off the table, legs trembling, my stomach eliciting one last sound, a loud prolonged gas bubbling that eerily resembled a pig orgasm. I slowly turned my head to survey the devastation and in that instant, if I had had a pencil or some other sharp object, I probably would have gouged my eyes out in revulsion. And the smell. The smell was enough to drive a man insane. It was the stench of rotting potatoes mixed with sulphur and ammonia, cooked in a broth of chicken feces and left age for two weeks in a yeasty stew at the bottom of a French outhouse. After half a whiff of this ghoulish brine, I immediately stopped breathing through my nose but the The young agent had taken the brunt of the foul witch's brew, and at first I couldn't process what I was seeing. I thought somehow the young blond kid had been spirited away and replaced by a brown Golem, or a ATV rider that had spent the better part of a day driving through every mud puddle he could find after a torrential downpour. With some degree of compartmentalization I came to understand that for some unfathomable reason this kid hadn't moved- or hadn't been able to move through the entire fecal deluge e had weathered the entire assault head-on like some sort of hero from Greek Mythology. I had given this poor schmuck a one-man s bukkake that would make a Brazilliarn pornographer retch with disgust, and he was still in the same position he must have been from the moment of first impact. I tried to comprehend how he must be feeling, what must be going through psychologically, but it became evident very quickly that he had become very broken. No doubt forced so deeply within himself once the firehose has catatonic crouched form to see a perfect outline of him cutout on the white wall behind him, either side filled in with a dripping, opaque layer of alternately pulpy and runny fecal stew. I noticed two quivering masses at either extremes of the room and realized they were humanoid in form, although the caterwauling that was coming from these broken creatures was just blubbering gibberish. And this was the tableau that was burnt into my mind's eye for eternity. fact the next week is a blur. I have vague recollections of an army of Hazmat clad figures looming through the brown landscape of the soiled room, the slopping sounds o rubber boats squelching in puddles of fetid detritus, uncontrollable wailing and animal-like sounds issuing from the mouths of creatures that had been traumatized beyond their capacity for being put back together, the complete loss of sensation from my waist down as I was rolled through the room on a waterproof gurney, it's wheels struggling surf signs as they tried to rehydrate my body. I had apparently expelled every available drop of water from my body that was possible to sustain life without for a short period time. All of my clothes were incinerated in the hospital's crematorium, and the soiled bag of "Haribo Sugar Free Gummy Bears" was never recovered f the s the hospital enclosed in a well ventilated, sealed room, with suited doctor coming in on the hour to monitor my vi Sugar Free Gummy Bear Mishap Review
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Bodies , Bruh, and Fire: And there was given me a reed like unto a rod: and the angel stood, saying, Rise, and measure the temple of God, and the altar, and them that worship therein.But the court which is without the temple leave out, and measure it not; for it is given unto the Gentiles: and the holy city shall they tread under foot forty and two months. And I will give power unto my two witnesses, and they shall prophesy a thousand two hundred and threescore days, clothed in sackcloth.These are the two olive trees, and the two candlesticks standing before the God of the earth And if any man will hurt them, fire proceedeth out of their mouth, and devoureth their enemies: and if any man will hurt them, he must in this manner be killed.These have powerto shut heaven, that it rain not in the days of their prophecy: and have power over waters to turn them to blood, and to smite the earth with all plagues, as often as they willAnd when they shall have finished their testimony, the beast that ascendeth out of the bottomless pit shall make war against them, and shall overcome them, and kill them And their dead bodies shall lie in the street of the great city, which spiritually is called Sodom and Egypt, where also our Lord was crucifiedAnd they of the people and kindreds and tongues and nations shall see their dead bodies three days and an half, and shall not suffer their dead bodies to be put in graves. And they that dwell upon the earth shall rejoice over them, and make merry, and shall send gifts one to another; because these two prophets tormented them that dwelt on the earth.And after three days and an half the Spirit of life from God entered into them, and they stood upon their feet; and great fear fell upon them which saw them. And they heard a great voice from heaven saying unto them, Come up hither. And they ascended up to heaven in a cloud; and their enemies beheld them And the same hour was there a great earthquake, and the tenth part of the city fell, and in the earthquake were slain of men seven thousand: and the remnant were affrighted, and gave glory to the God of heaven.The second woe is past; and, behold, the third woe cometh quickly. And the seventh angel sounded; and there were great voices in heaven, saying, The kingdoms of this world are become the kingdoms of our Lord, and of his Christ; and he shall reign for ever and ever. And the four and twenty elders, which sat before God on their seats, fell upon their faces, and worshipped God,Saying, We give thee thanks, O Lord God Almighty, which art, and wast, and art to come; because thou hast taken to thee thy great power, and hast reigned.And the nations were angry, and thy wrath is come, and the time of the dead, that they should be judged, and that thou shouldest give reward unto thy servants the prophets, and to the saints, and them that fear thy name, small and great; and shouldest destroy them which destroy the earth. And the temple of God was opened in heaven, and there was seen in his temple the ark of his testament: and there were lightnings, and voices, and thunderings, and an earthquake, and great hail And there appeared a great wonder in heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet, and upon her head a crown of twelve stars And she being with child cried, travailing in birth, and pained to be delivered. And there appeared another wonder in heaven; and behold a great red dragon, having seven heads and ten horns, and seven crowns upon his heads.And his tail drew the third part of the stars of heaven, and did cast them to the earth: and the dragon stood before the woman which was ready to be delivered, for to devour her child as soon as it was born And she brought forth a man child, who was to rule all nations with a rod of iron: and her child was caught up unto God, and to his throne And the woman fled into the wilderness, where she hath a place prepared of God, that they should feed her there a thousand two hundred and threescore days.And there was war in heaven: Michael and his angels fought against the dragon; and the dragon fought and his angelsAnd prevailed not; neither was their place found any more in heaven. And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb, and by the word of their testimony; and they loved not their lives unto the deathTherefore rejoice, ye heavens, and ye that dwell in them. Woe to the inhabiters of the earth and of the sea! for the devil is come down unto you, having great wrath, because he knoweth that he hath but a short time And when the dragon saw that he was cast unto the earth, he persecuted the woman which brought forth the man child. And to the woman were given two wingsof a great eagle, that she might fly into the wilderness, into her place, where she is nourished for a time, and times, and half a time, from the face of the serpent And the serpent cast out of his mouth watér as a flood after the woman, that he might cause herto be carried away of the flood. And the earth helped the woman, and the earth opened her mouth, and swallowed up the flood which the dragon cast out of his mouth. And the dragon was wroth with the woman, and went to make war with the remnant of her seed, which keep the commandments of God, and have the testimony of Jesus Christ. And l stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea, having seven heads and ten horns, and upon his horns ten crowns, and upon his heads the name of blasphemy. And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority. And l saw one of his heads as it were wounded to death; and his deadly wound was healed: and all the world wondered after the beast. And they worshipped the dragon which gave power unto the beast: and they worshipped the beast, saying, Who is like unto the beast? who is able to make war with him? And there was given unto him a mouth speaking great things and blasphemies; and power was given unto him to continue forty and two months. And he opened his mouth in blasphemy against God, to blaspheme his name, and his tabernacle, and them that dwell in heaven. And it was given unto him to make war ith the saints, and to overcome them: and power was given him over all kindreds, and tongues, and nations. And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of of the Lamb slai Here is the patience and the faith of the saints. And I beheld another beast coming up out of the earth; and he had two horns like a lamb, and he spake as a dragon. And he exerciseth all the power of the first beast before him, and causeth the earth and them which dwell therein to worship the first beast, whose deadly wound was healed. And he doeth great wonders, so that he maketh fire come down from heaven on the earth in the sight ofmen, And deceiveth them that dwell on the earth by the means of those miracles which he had power to do in the sight of the beast; saying to them that dwell on the earth, that they should make an image to the beast, which had the wound by a sword, and did live. And he had power to give life unto the image of the beast, that the image of the beast should both speak, and cause that as many as would not worship the image of the beast should be killed. And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond,to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six. And llooked, and, lo, a Lamb stood on the mount Sion, and with him an hundred forty and four thousand, having his Father's name written in their foreheads. And I heard a voice from heaven, they sung as it were a new song before the throne, and before the four beasts, and the elders: and no man could learn that song but the hundred and forty and four thousand, which were redeemed from the earth. These are they which were not defiled with women; for they are virgins. These are they which follow the Lamb whithersoever he goeth. These were redeemed from among men, being the firstfruits unto God and to the Lamb. And in their mouth was found no guile: for they are without fault before the throne of God. And I saw another angel fly in the midst of heaven, having the everlasting gospel to n from the foundation of the world. If any man have an ear, let him hear. He that leadeth into captivity shall go into captivity: he t ith the sword mus t be killed with the sword. as the voice of many water s, and as the voice ofa t thunder: and l heard the voice of harpers harping with bruh their harps: And ach unto them that dwell on the earth, and to every nation, and kindred, and tongue, and pe Guys 🗿mrs Stevens says the Bible is epic

Guys 🗿mrs Stevens says the Bible is epic

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Beautiful, Click, and Clock: As I approached the small wooden dresser I caughta glimpse into the mirror mounted above the chest, and what I saw terrified me. The once broken and inncocent face of a young boy that had stared back at me in the mirror was now just a brokern face of a broken young man, any innocence had esanesced. A man with bright blue eyes as empty as my Mama's heart, a man with a beautifully chiseled skeletal face like that of Mama's starved drug ravished body, a man with a perfect cold and distant gaze as cold as my Mama's soul. How could something so beautiful be so hollow. I found myself gazing into the mirror, into the man in the mırror, into his eyes and his soul. I forced myself to look away, couldn't bear to see what Î had become. what I had done to myself. I opened the top drawer with the tacky gold pained lions head, revealing the pistol and one magazine set on top of the blood red felt lining. I reached down for it, still stuck moving at a snail's pace, and grabbed the pistol with my right hand and the one magazine with my left. I pulled my hands out of the drawer and gently slid the magazine into its slot stopping when I heard it click into place, like the click of a clock that had just broken down and didn't want to, that couldn't, run any longer. Click, and then nothing. With my finger on the trigger, I brought it up to the side of my head and carefully pressed the tip against my skull. I looked up at the mirror once more. Don t worry, I'll get you out of here, it'll all be ok Then I pulled the trigger.
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