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honeydrippingbeehives: ohhellorula: Bill Hader’s knife story is the funniest thing ever TRANSCRIPTIONBill Hader: This funny thing… As PAs we would all hang out. And there was this guy named Big–I was Little Bill on that show because there was a guy named Big Bill, he was like 6′7″–and this other guy named Jason Altieri. And one time Jason, he had this giant bowie knife, like a Rambo knife, and he was hitting a tree with it. [audience laughter] This is what we would do. [Bill laughs] This is Hollywood, guys!Jimmy Kimmel: You’re practicing editing!Bill: Yeah, he was editing! [unintelligible + laughter]Jimmy: The old-fashioned way.Bill: The old-fashioned way. This is the way they did it on Gone With The Wind, I tell ya! [audience laughter] You gotta get your editing thing together, your editing arm down. So he was cutting this thing and we were laughing, and then Bill comes over and he’s like “Hey, J, you should really stop messing with”–this is a cigarette–”you really should stop messing with the knife.” And J went [grunting noises] and he went “Hey, come on! Don’t do that.” And he walked away. Then Bucky, our prop guy, came over and he goes “Hey, I got that exact same knife but it’s retractable. It’s fake.” [inaudible + laughter] So he gets the fake one. He’s doing this…[Bill laughs] And it’s one of those things where we waited, like, an hour. [audience laughter] Like, you couldn’t go, “Hey, Bill! Come over here!” You had to be like…He has to just walk over. So we’re waiting for an hour and J is like “Guys, is he over? Ah, come on, man!” So finally, Bill comes over and goes, “Hey, are you still messing with that knife? You should stop messing with the knife, man.” And he went [grunting noise], and he went “I told you, don’t do that!” And then he just went [clunking sound effect] and stuck him right in the chest [Bill laughs] and Bill went “WHY?!” [laughter] He thought he was murdered! He legit thought he just got murdered! [Bill laughs] And we were…Oh, we were laughing so hard! [laughter] He just went “WHY?!” like that’s the thing you would say.[Bill laughs]Jimmy: Call his parents to tell his final words [Jimmy laughs]Bill: “What did Bill say?” Wait, wait til you hear what he said when he… [inaudible + laughter] He yelled “Why?” [Bill laughs]Jimmy: Oh, that’s good. Oh, boy.: abc honeydrippingbeehives: ohhellorula: Bill Hader’s knife story is the funniest thing ever TRANSCRIPTIONBill Hader: This funny thing… As PAs we would all hang out. And there was this guy named Big–I was Little Bill on that show because there was a guy named Big Bill, he was like 6′7″–and this other guy named Jason Altieri. And one time Jason, he had this giant bowie knife, like a Rambo knife, and he was hitting a tree with it. [audience laughter] This is what we would do. [Bill laughs] This is Hollywood, guys!Jimmy Kimmel: You’re practicing editing!Bill: Yeah, he was editing! [unintelligible + laughter]Jimmy: The old-fashioned way.Bill: The old-fashioned way. This is the way they did it on Gone With The Wind, I tell ya! [audience laughter] You gotta get your editing thing together, your editing arm down. So he was cutting this thing and we were laughing, and then Bill comes over and he’s like “Hey, J, you should really stop messing with”–this is a cigarette–”you really should stop messing with the knife.” And J went [grunting noises] and he went “Hey, come on! Don’t do that.” And he walked away. Then Bucky, our prop guy, came over and he goes “Hey, I got that exact same knife but it’s retractable. It’s fake.” [inaudible + laughter] So he gets the fake one. He’s doing this…[Bill laughs] And it’s one of those things where we waited, like, an hour. [audience laughter] Like, you couldn’t go, “Hey, Bill! Come over here!” You had to be like…He has to just walk over. So we’re waiting for an hour and J is like “Guys, is he over? Ah, come on, man!” So finally, Bill comes over and goes, “Hey, are you still messing with that knife? You should stop messing with the knife, man.” And he went [grunting noise], and he went “I told you, don’t do that!” And then he just went [clunking sound effect] and stuck him right in the chest [Bill laughs] and Bill went “WHY?!” [laughter] He thought he was murdered! He legit thought he just got murdered! [Bill laughs] And we were…Oh, we were laughing so hard! [laughter] He just went “WHY?!” like that’s the thing you would say.[Bill laughs]Jimmy: Call his parents to tell his final words [Jimmy laughs]Bill: “What did Bill say?” Wait, wait til you hear what he said when he… [inaudible + laughter] He yelled “Why?” [Bill laughs]Jimmy: Oh, that’s good. Oh, boy.
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Questionable owl encounters: saintcucumbers Can someone please tell me what it means when an owl LITERALLY fucking swims towards you and then stares you down?? Like look at it?? Literally flew past me and my my friend, it was so close that the wings touched our faces. shiraglassman It's reminding you to do your Duolingo practice demonladytakkuri The real answer is that it really wants you to go away That's a fledgling great horned owl, they're known for being generally ballsy and aggressive, and owls have been known to both climb trees and swim through still water in a pinch Most likely full scenario: the bird was practicing flying, but it fell because it's still a kid and they do that. It probably fell in/by the water. It then was like Oh Damn Oh Jesus and decided it was not in fact a duck and headed to you, and was utterly offended but confused on what to do. So it decided to Square Up and face you like the hellbeast it is. The pose it's taking in the pic is one I affectionately call Full Orb. A fully orbed owl is 100% READY to FIGHT 1v1 no items final destination. You were probably its first up close encounter with a human, and since birds tend to associate larger animals with predators, it tried to make itself look as big as possible to make sure you know what's up. It was staring you down because it was waiting to see you make the first move in the dual or flee in fear from its superior owl might. timatisblog This reply made this post ette karmacharmeleon18 me: oh hello little owl owl: i will fuck you up aterrasilvershade Owl: I am lorge! Get spooked! Questionable owl encounters
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feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration : feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
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