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Ass, Cinderella , and Click: kaylapocalypse:  ok  so i know what you’re thinking “oh i remember that scene i don’t need to click on the video to recall it”. But you should. Like… if you’re anywhere near your mid-twenties, chances are that you watched shrek (1) when you were a kid and maybe a few times again in your late teens, but your memory absolutely doesn’t do it justice. The comedic timing through this whole movie is insane. Also, the fact that the animation style is aging literally just adds to the hilarity instead of poorly dating it. The nuance of every gesture is so well done and specific.  I am literally convinced that this movie is a masterpiece and that will be historically relevant maybe 100 years from now as a perfect time capsule of our culture. This scene in particular illustrates it especially well; particularly for being only like 1 minute long. Highlights/Breakdown The timing in the way Robin says savior and the way he says beast.  the character solidifying disregard and disrespect of “Please! Monster!” Fiona’s sheer brute strength when she pokes him in the shoulder so hard it spins him around–strength that he disregards which is why hes surprised as hell when he gets his ass beat Just the entire french accent that isn’t even a good french accent at all. The accordion man in the tree, the prop bushes. that one of the prop bushes falls down to reveal that its a wood cut-out subtly in the background  Shrek and fiona watching with horror as he begins his song. Donkey never cracking his excited smile, fully immersed in the Lore™; which is actually part of a longer running joke through the film which is that occasionally when certain characters do things would be reacted to poorly irl, the surrounding characters react like you would if you saw that irl not like characters in a story. Like instead of getting drawn into the lore of their circumstances they just stand there, staring like “yikesssss” shrek’s exhaustion and impatience when the song goes into the “saucy little maid” bit.  “what hes basically saying is he likes to get paid.”  the chaos of that statement. combined with shrek and fiona having a eye contact conversation above the performance, exchanging “wtf” gestures.  When the song escalates into a dance fight, Shrek’s exhaustion turns into general mounting amusement like “wow is this really turning into a dance fight. wow hes really snapping in unison” which is additionally apart of the above long running joke Fiona interrupting robin with a kick. the fuckin sound his head makes when it hits the rock.  The fight after isn’t as dynamic timing wise, just a classic animated fight scene but that song though. *kisses fingers like a chef* Watching this does give me an appreciation for 2D animation though because say what you will but Cinderella has aged a lot better than Shrek in terms of visual quality.With 2D you get fairly consistent quality. With old 3D you get uncanny valley nightmares.
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Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
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Bad, Head, and Iron Man: saltyaboutfictionalcharacters: sam-falcon-wilson: cyclesofthemoon: professionallyprocrastinating: antisolanum: teameveryonebutironman: i-love-tony-stark: sam-falcon-wilson: I need to talk about this scene. This scene actually, physically hurt me when I watched it in theaters, and cemented Iron Man as a bad guy in my head. Sam Wilson saw his friend get shot out of the air. He was too late to save him; he watched his wingman die, and he was powerless to do anything. So imagine how he feels when the shot that was meant to hit him hits Rhodey, who begins to plummet towards the ground. He immediately dives after him with zero hesitation, but he’s just not fast enough. He even apologizes to Tony, although he has nothing to apologize for. And do you know what Tony does? He shoots him. Point blank. I don’t care if Tony didn’t know about Riley. It doesn’t matter. Sam Wilson just risked his life going after Rhodey, probably having flashbacks the entire way down, and he fails. Again. And Tony doesn’t care. He shoots him, and he’s so close that the force of the shot sends Sam somersaulting backwards. Sam did nothing to injure Rhodey in any way, and even tries to help, and Tony. Fricking. S h o o t s. H i m. How can you support or stan this disgusting man? Also, if I recall correctly, Sam Wilson served as a pararescue airman. That means he’s a trained medic, he could have helped Rhodey and probably would have if Tony hadn’t shot him point blank in the chest. Yeah, either tony is that much of an asshole that he didn’t bother to get to know Sam despite him being part of the team for two years or he’s that much of an asshole that he shot a trained medic in the chest. And let’s not forget that using a repulsor blast that powerful, powerful enough to throw him back like he was shot with a shotgun, at relatively close range, on a target with no power armor (and no the falcon suit doesn’t count, it’s for flight not protection) could easily have killed him. Shock, cracking his head on the ground, stopping his heart from the force, that could have killed him. I mean, sam’s a tough cookie, but that wasn’t “the hulk punching thor after the battle because he didn’t forget about his insult from earlier, but they both know he’s gonna be alright” it’s “Tony is so selfish that he is willing to potentially kill sam because he hurt rhodey” Despite all of this, Sam’s first words to Tony, after being imprisoned thanks to him, is “How is Rhodes?” Concern for a former team-mate is still foremost in his mind, despite the fact that going back to help, rather than following Steve and Bucky to help them in Siberia, is what landed Sam in the Raft. Then Sam turns around, and we see that half of his face is one massive bruise, and he is moving slowly. Yeah, no, that is never going to be justifiable. … Also, what is to say that Rhodey’s injuries weren’t made worse by Tony’s attempts to help, since the guy with medical training was injured and potentially unconscious thanks to Iron Man ‘getting angry and reacting’. Sam Wilson wasn’t offering to help. Sam Wilson was standing there, looking at him, and the guy with PTSD and trust issues properly assumed that the fucker would take another shot. Like, you’re expecting him to think clearly? Why would he react any other way? Yeah, I expect him to think clearly. He’s an adult. Cut it out with the PTSD defense; just because someone has a mental illness like that doesn’t excuse their actions. Sam also has PTSD. He was probably having a vivid flashback to the time his friend died in front of him in much the same way. So, excuse him for sitting there, reliving all his past mistakes, beating himself up because maybe if he has been faster, or if he had done this or that, Rhodey wouldn’t be paralyzed. Get the hell off my post with your gross Tonky defense and cry to someone who cares, because I don’t. plus, sam did nothing to rhodey. all he did was dodge a shot from vision that would have killed him if it connected. he has no protection in his flight gear so if he fell from the height that rhodey did he would have died. Tony shot him for not allowing himself to be killed, even when he was apologizing and could have helped rhodey. tony stark is trash.
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Bad, Definitely, and Google: //sample ansvers from various interviews 178//Question: Write code to find out if a nunber is odd. 179 //Candidate: Qk give me a minute sounds of typing 180 /Candidate: My ansver is voice changes noticeably from speaking-voice to reading-voice //Question: Find all the odd numbers betveen 0-100 182 //Me suspecting that the candi 183 I/Candidate: It means that ve find the percentage of i in 2 googled it*: ok, and can you explain to me what does that line mean? 2 Why are ve f 14 //I walked the candidate through this code carefully single"in the last two lines. This is a candidate who had 8 years total experience twice. There are no typos, not the " 1", and not the 186 //Me "with a nice voice but nalicious intent* : I understand that it is complicated. Have you ever used this tore //Candidate "with obvious reliet: No,never! This is my first tine using it 18 /Question: Find all the odd numbers betveen 0-100 100; rtil) 193 194 //Question: Find all the odd numbers between 0-100 //Candidate: I am sorry, I have forgotten the exact formala for finding odd numbers 23 //candidate said that finding only the odd numbers was too difficult, and this nethod will find ALL numbers, so 196 /Candidate: I understand, but I cannot recall the formala, so I cannot find these numbers 27 //Question: Find all the odd numbers betveen 0-100 200 /Question: Can you tell me about your professional history? //candidate: I try my absolute best to make ธure that my code does not have too many errors before I take it 29 30 the odd numbers between 0 and 205 /Question: Count down from 700 to 200 in decrements of coreot'hinunitt? completely the odd numbers between 0-100 211 I/Me: And if I fixed the syntax errors, will it work then? 213 214 //Me: And why is that2 //Candidate: It has logic errors, too you like //Candidate: I have been programming for 10 years. 5 years as a hobby, and 5 professionally. know PHP, Ruby JS (including both node, angular), MongoDB, Myso, PostgresoL, and more /Me: Nice. What have //candidate: In the 5 years where I worked professionally, I have worked in 4 companies as a webdex. I have multiples sites up, all done from scratch. Some I developed solo, and sone as part of a team. I do both front-end and back-end development. I am ready to tackle any challenge! /Me: ok. using your language of choice, can you find all the odd numbers between 0-1002 7 //Question: Find all the odd numbers betwveen 0-100 you used your skills for? 50 I/I asked the candidate what this code was supposed to do, and the candidate replied: "I do not want to ansver 1 //So I tried again. Same candidate, next question: Find the sun of all integers betveen 0-100 3 //Me:"Ok and if I wanted this done in Javascript? more than this." 222 //Candidate: tries for about 3 minutes 223 I/Candidate: I cannot do this. My skill in mathematics is not high enough 6 I/This was the most experienced candidate, with 19 years of professional experience. Nineteen, no typo. This 226 candidate was programming professionally before many of you were born. /This situation happened with two different candidates. Their responses were worded differently, but the was the same //Me: Ok, I want to ask you a couple of programming questions. Do you have a paper and pen or pencil with you? 0 //Question: Assuming you have two integers, x and y, with y bigger than x. Sum all the numbers from x to y 230 //Me: ok.Using your preferred programming language, find all the odd nunbers between 0 and 1002 Example: If x is 1, and y is 5, then sum 1+2+3+4+5 232 /Me: Yes. Write your code down, and when you are done, read it to me, and then ve can go through it 233 //Candidate: But that is impossible! How can I write code without using a computer? 4+i 237 //Question: Find all the odd numbers betveen 0-100. Note that this was a phone interview 67 //What is happening here? Your guess is as good as mine. Candidate had no idea what this code was supposed to do 239 IMe: I am trying to test your programming skills, not your Google-search skills 240 //Candidate: Baha, right! But İf 1 use Google, how will you know? 241 /Me: I wil1 ask you similar questions in the face-to-face interview 1 //Question: Count down from 700 to 200 in decrements of 13 246 //One of the worst interviews that I had, that made me feel genuinely bad, was this one.I tried to capture the mood of how it went, as I did not get to see any code Some of the actions I describe are what I assume happened on the other end of the phone, based on the sounds that I heard //Me: Greetings! Thanks for letting me interview you. Are you ready and prepared? 247 249 //Me: Alright! Let us start. *İntroductions and a bit of relaxing amantalk, candidate is very cool. Qk, so your resume lists about 5 different programming languages.Are you good in all of them /candidate: I am good in Javaacript and PHP, and ak in Java 81 //Out of curiosity, I asked: "Why is the answer a double?" 82 //Candidate "Because it needs to store the value taken from _two variables. so which is your f 252 //Candidate: Definitely avascript! I did a lot of work in Javascript! 253 /Me: That is good. Can I ask you a question or two in Tavascript 6 //Make a standard deck of cards. Shuftle the deck, and draw two cards at random. Display the two cards Are you 256 //candidate: Yes, yes. I am on the line! ask you a questi can try my best to ansver gentle gloves, ve are not trying to break the candidate Qk. so you know what odd are, right? for (let count Yes Yes,I know odd number 261 /Me: ok. so ny question is this. Using your favourite language, Javascript, can you find all the odd numbers 8 //This was slowly and painstak used for the second part which only had two cards, while no loop was used for the cards... but I decided against the odd numbers ok. Why don't you t then read fter you are //Candidate 'excited and breathless: YES! Yes,yes! scribbling/scratching for about two minutes, then some furious scribbling for a minute, then the fast breathing, but no seribbling sounds 1 1/9uestion: Find all the odd numbers betuween 03 05 assuming x and lieve the candidate put the phone down, and started writing. I could hear some gentl y, someone crossing out many lines on a paper. Then came a minute /Candidate "voice completely broken //Me "making a fatal error of judgement by asking: Is everything ak the odd numbers...uhh think..L the odd... the odd nunbers alm, polite email, much later that this time I regret that I must decline the perplexing, let me Candidate takes the last once to make not, then you add you add odd, then you add 2 Disregarding the sundry minor errors in the code, the logic behind functional, but ribly inefficient two cards at random. Display the two cards 27 var arr-i,2,3, 4,5, 6,7,,9,10,.0K' ar arrl ar two- 36 t (pos arr pos 50 51 52 ition] push (arrti for (wamath finalArr var indexeeArr.indexof (nevArrti] val 72 //Behold this masterpiece! Read it slow and savour every 1ine, for beauties like this come once fetine SWE interview in Saudi Arabia

SWE interview in Saudi Arabia

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Facts, Fanfiction, and Harry Potter: Most Common Sentences By Each Author SUZANNE COLLINS Hunger Games Series STEPHENIE MEYER Twilight Series J.K. ROWLING Harry Potter Series My name is Katniss Everdeen. I don't know. I shake my head. I am seventeen years old. My home is District 12. Now I wish I had. I swallowed hard. He hesitates. I'm not really surprised. Something is wrong. Isighed. He sighed. I shrugged. frowned. He chuckled. I laughed. He shrugged I flinched. I took a deep breath. He didn't answer Nothing happened. Harry looked around. Harry stared. He waited. Harry said nothing They looked at each other. Harry blinked. He looked around. Something he didn't have last time. He stood up. Created by OBenBlatt of Slate.com Source: Harry Poeter 1-7, Hunger Games 1-3, Twilight 1-4 december-has-risen: imaginarycircus: jennlferlawrence: frostingpeetaswounds: i laughed so hard at the “i don’t know” and “something is wrong” the twilight one is like abstract poetry They all kind of read like weird little stories in and of themselves. HG is about an amnesia victim trying to recall the facts people have told her about herself, but which she doesn’t remember. Twilight is a love story about two mimes. And Harry Potter is the tragic story of boy whom absolutely nothing happens to. if you read it all three horizontally it sounds like a fanfiction cross over between katniss and harry and the author is making them have a really awkward first meeting

december-has-risen: imaginarycircus: jennlferlawrence: frostingpeetaswounds: i laughed so hard at the “i don’t know” and “something is wr...

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Facts, Fanfiction, and Harry Potter: Most Common Sentences By Each Author SUZANNE COLLINS Hunger Games Series STEPHENIE MEYER Twilight Series J.K. ROWLING Harry Potter Series My name is Katniss Everdeen. I don't know. I shake my head. I am seventeen years old. My home is District 12. Now I wish I had. I swallowed hard. He hesitates. I'm not really surprised. Something is wrong. Isighed. He sighed. I shrugged. frowned. He chuckled. I laughed. He shrugged I flinched. I took a deep breath. He didn't answer Nothing happened. Harry looked around. Harry stared. He waited. Harry said nothing They looked at each other. Harry blinked. He looked around. Something he didn't have last time. He stood up. Created by OBenBlatt of Slate.com Source: Harry Poeter 1-7, Hunger Games 1-3, Twilight 1-4 december-has-risen: imaginarycircus: jennlferlawrence: frostingpeetaswounds: i laughed so hard at the “i don’t know” and “something is wrong” the twilight one is like abstract poetry They all kind of read like weird little stories in and of themselves. HG is about an amnesia victim trying to recall the facts people have told her about herself, but which she doesn’t remember. Twilight is a love story about two mimes. And Harry Potter is the tragic story of boy whom absolutely nothing happens to. if you read it all three horizontally it sounds like a fanfiction cross over between katniss and harry and the author is making them have a really awkward first meeting

december-has-risen: imaginarycircus: jennlferlawrence: frostingpeetaswounds: i laughed so hard at the “i don’t know” and “something is w...

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Be Like, Beautiful, and Fucking: trustedwings tumblr Follow adventureisouttheremydear So like do caterpillars know that they re gonna be butterflies or do they just build the cacoon and be like wtf am l doing frauleinninja this post has fucked me up more than any other on this site trustedwings Okay but no, do you understand what happens to a caterpillar once it's in its cocoon? It completely turns into goo. That's right, GOO. The damn thing dissolves and the reforms into the butterfly. Even crazier, the wings of the butterfly are already inside the caterpillar, ready to go, just waiting to float around in some goo and then be a beautiful butterfly. The craziest part?!? A study was done where some caterpillars were exposed to a certain smell and then given an electric shock so eventually the caterpillar associated the smell with the shock. Well after those little hairy noodles came out of the their cocoons as butterflies, they exposed them to the smell again and the butterflies reacted super negatively, as if they were being shocked. A.K.A. not only is there wings floating around in that goo cocoon, there is also a brain, the same, unaltered brain as the caterpillar. The butterfly can recall its days as a caterpillar even after basically being turned into soup. And then it all somehow gets its shit together to be a stupid majestic little beast, and I can't even remember where l put my damn phone Source:lumpiagirl Holy moly. | 19 Posts That'll Make You Say "Fucking Whoa" goo cocoon
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Alive, Animals, and Bad: mithsonian smithchan.com/monsters nake CHANNELmanstersrake 02012 SNUSI Networks LL.C. All rights reserved Smithson legitimatelala: lokiwtf: gallizfrey: anneriawings: siphersaysstuff: honey-andrevolution: sashayed: silvermoon424: poppypicklesticks: billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro: cosmicallycosmopolitan: billybatsonandjameshowlettsbro: james-winston: The Titanoboa, is a 48ft long snake dating from around 60-58million years ago. It had a rib cage 2ft wide, allowing it to eat whole crocodiles, and surrounding the ribcage were muscles so powerful that it could crush a rhino. Titanoboa was so big it couldn’t even spend long amounts of time on land, because the force of gravity acting on it would cause it to suffocate under its own weight. I’m so glad they aren’t around omg me too. I’m scared enough of 26 ft long anacondas. I’m so happy Megalodons, those giant sharks, aren’t alive either Praise natural selection I remember watching Walking with Beasts or something similar, or some British tv show about evolution The subject was something like a 12 foot long water scorpion I was so startled by its sudden appearance and narration that I yelped: “12 fucking feet?!?!  I’m fucking glad it’s extinct!”  Dude, prehistory was home to some fucking TERRIFYING creatures. For some reason, everything back then was enormous and scary. Extinction doesn’t always have to be a bad thing! And Poppy, what you saw was an arthropod known as Pterygotus (it was actually featured in Walking With Monsters). Not only was it as big (or maybe even bigger) than your average human, it had a stinger the size of a lightbulb. REALLY glad that bugger isn’t around anymore. Also, Megalodon deserves to be mention again, because just hearing its name makes me want to never be submerged in water ever again. GOD, I HATE THIS POST. HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT SHIT ISN’T STILL AROUND? LURKING? EVOLVING? WE DON’T. WE DON’T KNOW SHIT ABOUT SHIT DOWN THERE. THE OCEAN IS A PRIMEVAL HELLSCAPE NIGHTMARE AND WE ALL JUST DIP OUR STUPID FRAGILE UNPROTECTED FETUS BODIES AROUND THE EDGES OF IT LIKE THAT’S NORMAL. FUCK THE OCEAN. this is so relevant to my interests  It wasn’t just the predators. North Carolina was once home to giant ground sloths… THAT IS A GODDAMNED LEAF-EATING SLOTH. We’ve got a skeleton of one of these fuckers at the museum downtown, and man, just being NEAR it is unsettling. DON’T FORGET PREHISTORIC WHALES, SOME OF THOSE FUCKERS WERE TERRIFYING AMBULOCETUS WAS AMPHIBIOUS AND PRETTY BADASS BASILOSAURUS WAS THIS GIANT REPTILIAN CETACEAN THAT PROBABLY SWAM LIKE A DUMB EEL BECAUSE OF ITS TINY FLUKES BUT THIS FUCKER WAS 60 FEET LONG AND AT THE TOP OF THE MARINE FOOD CHAIN AND THEN THERE’S MY FAVORITE, ZYGOPHYSETER, WHICH WAS THIS HUGE EARLY SPERM WHALE THAT ATE SHARKS AND OTHER WHALES IT WAS NOTHING BUT TEETH The reason why the animals in the prehistoric times were so big was because there was much more oxygen in the atmosphere if I recall correctly. Because there was so much oxygen and so few carbon gasses, life on earth was able to grow to terrifying lengths and heights, don’t forget how giant the bugs were. I have never seen so much prime nope in a single post *Goes on Tumblr at 5am to help me go back to sleep for a bit longer* *Never sleeps again* Dammit I was born to late for all the fun
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Christmas, Dad, and Drinking: Judy Brown I've done something ingenious to wind up my Dad (which is basically my favourite holiday pastime). It begins ike this Judy Brown Some of you out there may recall that in 2016 Iplayed an excellent Christmas prank on my long-suffering Dad. It worked a treat. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h Replying to @mcjude Last year I decided to play the long game & didn't tamper with the confectionary: spooked by the year before, he would not touch a single Ferrero Rocher (which was great because he usually inhales them at 750mph) so there were Ferreros aplenty for the rest of us. I bided my Judy Brown @mcjude 7h And so, yesterday, home for Christmas and with the devil at my elbow, I embarked on my most audacious sprout prank yet. Judy Brown @mcjude-7h While he was out I dipped the sprouts in chocolate, rolled them in chopped hazelnuts, and did all I could to replicate the iconic Ferrerro. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h l re-wrapped and (this is crucial) re- sealed the box with its original tape and a tiny dab of glue. Then secreted it amongst a bag of tasty gifts from my Aunt and retired to watch from afar Judy Brown @mcjude 7h Last night he viewed them with suspiciorn when they came out the bag... but I was out all day, how could I have tampered with them? He abstained and they sat in the kitchen all night. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h This bright Christmas morning we were gathered round the tree, drinking tea and opening presents. Dad eyed the box. He quite likes a post-brekkie Ferrero. He approached. I hovered in the kitchen, careful not to spook him. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h And Lo! He opened. He EXAMINED. He unwrapped. He examined FURTHER Fears allayed, he popped the whole thing in his mouth. His face played a symphony of emotions: satisfaction, triumph, realisation, horror, disgust. Judy Brown @mcjude 7h I am still chuckling. I will all day long.I know his retribution will be swift and terrible, but no Christmas gift could be greater than this: seeing my Dad, despite his efforts to avoid it, unwittingly eat a raw sprout. Merry Christmas, one and all 9193 t457 9644 72,816 notes Playing the Long Game

Playing the Long Game

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God, Stalking, and Star Trek: They EAT. They TALK. AND THEY FUCK It's a human, and if you're not scared, you should be. Humans seem friendly. What you might not know is just how "friendly" a human can be. Many galactic citizens have discovered, only too late, the relentless drive of the human... who will gladly mate with YOU. "This is overstated. I've interacted with several humans who have not attempted to mate with me." Be mindful! A human is a stalking predator, and may wait weeks, even months, for an opportunity .11 would not be attractive to a human and have nothing to fear." Humans have highly variable preferences and strategies. However, do recall that by the time humans experienced First Contact, they had already spent centuries producing entire libraries of speculative research about how they would someday attempt to mate with someone just like you. "I possess a simple cloaca and am incompatible with a human and their sexual practices." Humans are adaptable. There are proven instances of humans attempting mating behaviors on features far more novel than a mere cloaca or book lung. Humans have been known to engage in attempted intercourse with flaps, orificies, depressions, ridges, digits, chelicerae, and masses of all kinds. A human, bereft of a partner, may attempt to mate with a range of vessels, extensions, surfaces--or its own hands. "I have heard mating with a human can be pleasurable. What's the harm?" Humans form strong attachments and are insatiable. Galactic citizens who have partnered with a human have routinely died of dessication, puncture, and lethal chafing! ouyangdan: kaelio: kaelio: Someone requested a doodle of “some of the Dominion’s anti-human propaganda” but tbh this is too real outside of star trek. this is probably plastered over the entire Citadel in Mass Effect i still get notifications for this. i get notifications for this every god damned day. I wasn’t going to reblog this until the last comment.
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Advice, Dad, and Family: At Taco Bell. A man walks in, describes another employee, says she's his niece, and asks when she'll be there. The cashier helpfully tells him "She's in 86/18, 7:46 PM 35.7K Retweets 82.1Kkes Always be vague. Say I think they're in today or not until later. If they press say it's company policy not to give out the schedule. Most companies do have this and even if they don't how would a stranger know. Don't give out specifics, they can get people injured or even killed. At my last job someone came up and asked when "Sarah" was working next. I didn't tell him and then texted her a description, turns out he was an abusive ex who had been stalking her Don't do this shit please Do NOT say anything along the lines of "they're not in today" or "not until later because you are confirming that this is e the person in question can be found. NEVER confirm anything! r-baby My old boss told us a story of how, years before when she was a fairly new manager ('m talking decades, she's 64 right now), there was a man who came in and asked for an employee by name and said he was her uncle. She told him the employee's shift started in a coule hours. He waited the entire time for her and when she came in, he assaulted her and bashed her face into the counter My boss saw everything. She can't recall what he said, but he kept to call the police She told me that story after a man came in and asked for when an employee, who recently quit, would be coming in. I told him she doesn't work here anymore and he said to me "Okay well I'm her dad so if you see her tell her I'll be across the street at the gas station. He left and my boss IMMEDIATELY came out and scolded me for it, then told me that story. She gave me some advice on what to say or do in that situation: .Don't just deny knowing anything, deny the person asking. Example can't know that information." or Can you tell me when 's shift are only for employees." Additionally, saying "I don't know what you're talking t." can usually work, it may piss them off but it can work. on with the customer service. "I can't help you with that, do you need help (with ordering)?" or "Can take your order?/Can I help you find (a 2 If they persist, insist they leave the store. "If you're not going to order, please leave the or "I can't help you, have a nice day." and, if you can, leave. If you can't leave, call for or help the . If they still persist (by now they . call the police on the basis of refusing to leave the premises Some people will leave at that point, others stay. When the police get there, explain the situation but still do NOT confirm the existence of the employee they're looking for to the police until they have been escorted out of the area. Regardless of if the customer know the or schedule, even if they look like the same race and claim to be family, you NEVER confirm the The only exceptions are if the employee tells you themself they're expecting someone to come in for them (ASK FOR A DESCRIPTION OF THE PERSON), and if you personally know who they are in relation to the employee. When anyone I know has to come in because l asked them to come in, I describe what they look like and what they usually wear. I go into deep descriptions, even including how they walk. You could literally save a life, guys. Don't blindly trust your gut either and think "But they LOOK innocent" or "But they said result in someone getting severely hurt, "because that can ilipinawitch I know I joked on this post before but seriously If youre in the US it is against federal law to give out anyones IS includes numb schedules) without writen and ers, na Just say its against federal law and you cant give out that info without risk of termination-this will get 99% off your back the first time Tailor Automatic Screenshot Stitching Keep your fellow coworkers safe please
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9/11, America, and Children: The Turkey Story So it's 2001, and my family drives from fu California and like three blizzards to get to Ohio for into a nursing home and it's their last holiday in that house. So its a bit bittersweet but ultimately a good thing. Since it's their last holiday there, the family pulls out all the stops when it comes to dinner, all the Russian desserts come out, as does the Lethal Bacon Mashed Potatoes and the horrible candied yams with the mini marshmallows dish because not all expressions of love are even if they are si In the spirit of going alout, Uncle Bobby smokes a Turkey Uncle Bobby started cooking as a boy foil-wrapped potatoes into a campfire and has been ad- dicted since, and now has a hand-made smokehouse in the backyard where he makes various cured meats and other delights. He seasons the turkey in the traditional manner, but he and grandpa have a shared passion for SO Game Hen seasoned that way, for them. Then Bobby has a Brilliant Idea. He realizes that he can stuff the turkey (once it has been smoked) with regular stuffing, and there is still plenty of room for him to put the game hen inside THAT, and stuff the game hen be- cuase why not? He confers with Mom, and she explains how to cut open the turkey so there's dramatic reveal as the stuffing and game hen come out. It's Genius. Except, of course, that my Aunt Sue is attending, Uncle Cliff s after her So the day of the dinner, tensions are running a bit high, between the marathon cooking, the kids al being trapped indoors due to aforementioned blizzards, and Uncle Cliff deciding that the best way to amuse himself is by hiding from the adults in the basement, getting drunk and rambling about how various ethic groups were destroying America. Being that I had close Muslim friends that were leaving the country becuase of 9/11, 1 was near tears from this nonsense and ready to n roughly five times my size. Sue, for some reason, keeps coming down and defending him, or telling us we're rotten children for 'attacking him, becuase she Must Stand By Her Man, even if her man is a hefty bag of dog feces with an ugly mustache My sister eventually boits upstairs to tattle and my grandfather limps down to the basement and brandishes his Hip Bone Cane, hands rock-steady in spite of the Parkinson's slowly taking over him. Firstly Cliff, It may not be my roof much longer but while you are under it you will be civil, or Ill beat your skull in. Also, dinner's ready, everyone go wash up. We go upstairs and sit down, and do the traditional "Name one thing you're thankful for as the bread gets passed around the table, and things calm down a bit. Bobby brings out the Turkey and everyone goes OOH becuase it's really pretty, them Mom carves it open so that the stuffing spills out dramatically along with the game hen and there's an appreciative gasp all around becuase it looks cool. Only Sue KEEPS gasping, in utter horror, before getting up and clasping her hands to her face ala Edvard Munch and shrieks OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANTI We all stare at Sue. We all look back at the fully-dressed-cooked-and-stuffed birds that in no way had any internal organs in them or ever gave live birth Then we all looked back at Sue, trying to figure out where to begin but since shed been trying to justify Cliffs behavior she was pretty much free-associating conspiracies and scandals now, and just kept going. IT WAS PREGNANT MY GOD WE'VE COMMITTED AN ABORTION WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL FOR THIS, I'M SO SORRY JESUS She goes into full pearl-clutching gibbering horror at this point and falls back into her chair like it's a Victorian fainting couch only it's a shitty chair from the Eisenhower administration so it collapses and she slams into the floor, sobbing and kicking her feet like a toddler Everyone watched for a moment before my Mom sighs heavily and starts carving and serving the turkey while my grandmother mouths she's not coming back Cliff, reactions delayed by about six beers, finally notices his wife is on the floor and tries to pick her up, are assisted by Dad, who is saintly patient man and less immune to this jacknapery at that point. I am stuffing dinner rolls into my face to keep from laughing at this grand spectacle ICANT EAT IT, I REFUSE TO PARTAKE IN THIS BARBARISM Sue begins but Dad puts on his best Kindly Father voice (he was heavily involved with the catholic church and even considered becoming a priest before getting drafted but that's another story)and assures Sue that she need not eat, or even be in the room if she wants. She nods, placated by being the center of attention again, and Dad goes in for the kill. I wouldn't want you to go hungry. Can I make you some That would be lovely." Said Sue, joke flying over her ng 747. I recall watching my grandmot her nearly choke to death on the green beans over that, and everyone pointedly trying to avoid talking about anything poultry-related while Sue sat there and ate the most ironic scrambled eggs in the history of mankind. Shortly thereafter, Cliff threw up in the sink and they went home, and the party got underway properly, with Grandpa raising a toast to Mom and Uncle Bobby For t Turkey has been an staple since then. I'll see if I can hit Uncle Bobby up for instructions but if you decide to make it 1. you HAVE to shriek "OH MY GOD IT WAS PREGNANT when you carve it open, or it's not authentic and won't taste as good 2. Share the pictures with me, Very planned Parenthood
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Be Like, Beautiful, and Phone: trustedwings tumbl Follow adventureisouttheremydear So like do caterpillars know that they're gonna be butterflies or do they just build the cacoon and be like wtf am l doing frauleinninja this post has f ed me up more than any other on this site trustedwings Okay but no, do you understand what happens to a caterpillar once it's in its cocoon? It completely turns into goo. That's right, GOO. The damn thing dissolves and the reforms into the butterfly. Even crazier, the wings of the butterfly are already inside the caterpillar, ready to go, just waiting to float around in some goo and then be a beautiful butterfly. The craziest part?!? A study was done where some caterpillars were exposed to a certain smell and then given an electric shock so eventually the caterpillar associated the smell with the shock. Well after those little hairy noodles came out of the their cocoons as butterflies, they exposed them to the smell again and the butterflies reacted super negatively, as if they were being shocked. A.KA not only is there wings floating around in that goo cocoon, there is also a brain, the same, unaltered brain as the caterpillar. The butterfly can recall its days as a caterpillar even after basically being turned into soup. And then it all somehow gets its sh together to be a stupid majestic little beast, and I can't even remember where l put my damn phone Source:lumpiagirl And I can’t remember what I had for lunch

And I can’t remember what I had for lunch

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