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Apparently, Dude, and Fucking: wha!? Sl BAPU BAPTIST CHUR(H SUS DISGUST MyCHILD Dortyouatti? SaSin!God condemns W all! BRIAN heed to have a talk 0 CHRISTIANS CELEBRATE TH ISLAMIC TEMPUE I didnt die ona Cross for this BS RADICAL righte homoSexvality ar the last 2.000 yearsold. prismatic-bell: the-spoopy-ghost-of-raejin99: prismatic-bell: broken-bits-of-dreams: prismatic-bell: aiko-mori-hates-pedos: artbymoga: Throwback to all these Jesus comics I drew in 2012… Good post OP Good post, OP, and if you ever decide to do another may I please suggest “NOT IN HEBREW IT DOESN’T” as a punchline? So much of the Old Testament is HORRIFICALLY translated from the Tanakh, it drives me batty. WAIT WAIT WHAT DOES IT SAY?????? I NEED TO LIKE,, DESTROY MI MUM FOR BEING REALLY HOMOPHOBIC Okay, so, strictly speaking, the infamous Leviticus 18:22 does say “forbidden.” Here’s the thing: 1) The word translated as “forbidden” is “toevah.” While that translation isn’t … wrong, it’s sort of like saying “McMansion” means “really big house.” There are a lot of connotations in that word. The specific issue with toevah is that we … sort of … don’t know anymore exactly what it meant. Based on context, it seems likely that the word referred to something ritually forbidden. This part of Torah was written not only as a guide for future generations, but also to say “so, look around, see your neighbors? DON’T DO THAT.“ Thus, if we interpret “toevah” to mean something that’s forbidden to do as a ritual before G-d, then the verse says nothing whatsoever about Adam and Steve and their two kids and their dog–it’s saying you shouldn’t have sex with another man in the Temple as a sacrifice. 2) Following the same “this is ritually forbidden” logic of toevah, this verse may also be interpreted as “don’t do sex magic,” which was a thing in. Like. A lot of fucking cultures at the time. 3) Hebrew is a highly gendered language, and the grammatical gender in this verse is really really weird. One of the “men” in this verse is given female grammar. Why? Who fucking knows, man, this isn’t the only grammatical oddity in Torah. (There are also places where G-d is referred to as plural, and also as female.) One suggestion is that this is a way of creating a diminutive–that is, that the verse should be read as “a man should not lie with a boy.” Now, it’s worth noting that modern secular scholarship has concluded the written Torah was written down around the 6th century BCE, and most non-Orthodox Jewish scholars are like “yeah, all things considered, that sounds pretty legit.” Do you know what else was happening around the 6th century BCE? What laypeople tend to mean when they say “ancient Greece” was happening. Do you know what happened a lot in that time period in Greece? Dudes forming relationships with younger boys, like ages 10-15, and using them for sex in exchange for financial gifts, mentorship, etc. While we don’t know just how young some of these younger boys may have been, we do know some were prepubescent. In light of this, and also something I mentioned under the first point–”see your neighbors? DON’T DO THAT,” if this verse is interpreted to say “a man should not lie with a boy,” then it’s pretty clearly “my dudes, my fellows, my lads, don’t be fucking pedophiles.” 4) Because of the grammar I mentioned in #3, it’s also possible that “should not lie with a man as with a woman” is actually referring to a place, not an abstract personhood: a man shouldn’t have sex with another man in a woman’s bed. In the time period, a woman’s bed was sort of like–that was her place, her safe sanctuary. It was also a ritually holy place where babies were made. By having sex in her bed, you’re violating her safe space (and also introducing a man who may not be a male relative, thus forcing her into breaking the laws of modesty). If this verse is read this way, then it should be taken to mean “don’t sexually violate a woman’s safety and modesty.”5) And as an offshoot of #4, this may be a second verse relating to infidelity. Which woman’s bed is any random dude in 600 BCE most likely to have access to? His wife’s. But laws were administered differently based on whether the person they pertained to was slave or free, male or female, and so on–thus, a man committing adultery with a woman would be treated differently than man committing adultery with a man (especially because the latter would carry no chance of an illegitimate pregnancy). So you’ll note, there are a lot of ways to read this verse, and only a one-to-one translation with no cultural awareness produces “being gay is wrong, all of the time”.(You’ll also notice the word “abomination” is nowhere to be found. That’s like … a straight-up fiction created for who only knows what reason.) Apparently tumblr mobile doesn’t want to show @prismatic-bell ’s long and in-depth essay, so here’s the screenshots, because it still shows up on mobile browsers: Much appreciated.
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Ass, Bones, and Children: HICKS, Sybil Marie (nee Lyons) It hurts me to admit it... but , Mrs. Ron Hicks from Baysville, have passed away. I passed peacefully with my eldest daughter, Brenda, by my side February 2, 2019 at 8:20 a.m. I leave behind my loving husband, Ron Hicks, whom I often affectionately referred to as a "Horse's Ass". I also left behind my children whom I tolerated over the years; Bob (with Carol) my oldest son and also my favourite. Brian (with Ginette) who was the Oreo cookie favourite, Brenda AKA "Hazel" who would run to clean the bathrooms when she heard company was coming. Barbara (with Gordon) the ever Miss Perfect and finally Baby Bruce who wouldn't eat homemade turkey soup because he didn't want to be alert looking for bones while he ate. I will miss seeing my sweetest grandchildren; Caitlin, Megan, Joel, Issac Mason, Rachel, Annie, Emma, Harrison, Clark, Choe, Orion, Griffin ...grow up to be the incredible people they are meant to be I graduated from Waterdown High School with honors while wearing my shiny bright saddle shoes. I later graduated from Hamilton General Hospital School Nursing class of 1957B -Best Class EVER! In 1972 Ron and I loaded the car with the 5- B's and headed north to run a school bus company for over 20 years in Baysville, Ontario. I was an active horticulturalist, a member of the Eastern Star and a member of the Lion's Club in Baysville. I finally have the smoking hot body I have always wanted... . having been cremated. Please come say goodbye and celebrate my wonderful life with my husband and his special friend Dorothy who is now lovingly taking care of my horse's ass For those of you who are wondering who assisted me in writing this. it wasn't my husband, it wasn't my oldest, nor was it my youngest... Thank you all for sharing my life with me. I am off to swim to the buoy and back Love, Sybil This womans obituary (Hamilton Spectator) proves that in death, she is funnier than I am in life
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England, Fucking, and Stephen: A Portrait of James Il's 'Husband' Has Reappeared in Glasgovw "I desire only to live in this world for your sake," the king wrote to him. BY NATASHA FROST SEPTEMBER 25, 2017 A LOST PORTRAIT OF THE man whom English king James I referred to as his "husband," "sweet heart," and the one he loved "more than anvone else" has emerged from conservation work and been authenticated, after having been mistaken for a copy for centuries, the BBC reports. George Villiers, the first Duke of Buckingham, rose to prominence in court after catching the king's eye at a hunt. This 17th-century painting of him, now known to be by the Flemish great Peter Paul Rubens, had been concealed by layers of dirt, as well as later "improvements." In the painting, Villiers is depicted wearing an elaborate lace collar and a sash. He was known for his good looks, and had been described as "the handsomest-bodied man in all of England," with a "lovely complexion." James I lavished attention and care on him, and called him "Steenie" after St. Stephen, who was said to have had the face of an angel. However, whether Villiers and James I were lovers in the modern sense of the word has been a source of some contention. In their letters, James I states how he wept so profusely at their parting "that I can scarcelv see to write. But scholars have argued that such sentiments are not atypical of male friendship in the 17th and 18th centuries. The rumors flared up upon the 2008 discoverv of a secret passage in one of the king's homes linking their bedchambers. runawayrat: squidsticks: King James I: *builds secret tunnel connecting his room to the room of a man he calls his husband* Historians: it’s very hard to tell what kind of relationship they would have had, let’s not look at this through a 21st century lens Im fucking deceased
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A Dream, Christmas, and Instagram: cacen so at the bar in which I work, there's an unofficial rule that all of our door staff must have names that start with D or rhyme with 'doorman', which has led to me be friending a trio of six foot four men with beards called Doorman Logan, Doorman Drew, and Doorman Darn now, let me tell you now that Doorman Dan is the abso- lute love of my life. I don't care that he's a decade older than me and has a fiance. you know when someone is so extraordinary or impossible to define that they're simply referred to as 'a character? that's Doorman Dan. now, before I get into his personality, let's describe his appearance. imagine the most stereotypical Scand inavian person ever: tall, white-blond, strong-jawed. now, add a heavy South Walian accent and an orange jumper that's Doorman Dan. since meeting him last year, I've discovered .he once had a dream that he had a tattoo that said 'shit happens' on his left arsecheek, so when he woke up he decided he had to fulfil the prophecy and got it tattooed on his arse by a bloke called Junkie Jeff at 9AM he forgot to call his girlfriend for three months while he was in the army, and was complet unaware they had broken up until he wishe happy Christmas and she responded with what the fuck Dan .accidentally married his army buddy in Vegas for thirty-six hours .he saw someone beating up a guy for being gay and instead of jumping in and fighting back he decided to get absolutely bollock-naked and stand in front of the homophobe until he got freaked out and ran off .he has a millionare buddy who rings him up once a month for 'mystery adventures', one of which has resulted in Doorman Dan no longer being allowed inside any John Lewis shops .he is convinced the love of his life is not his fiancee, but a man named Ned. upon being asked who Ned is, he shrugged and responded with: "TII know when I meet him." .he runs an Instagram account dedicated to his pet rabbits and refuses to let people into the bar unless they follow him .his fiancee booked a wedding venue before he even proposed. "I don't even know if I'm invited, truth be .when he caught a couple having sex in our loos, he didn't want to intrude so he just gently knocked on the door and asked if they'd like a snack .he has created his own non-alcoholic cocktail called Doorman's Sunrise because he feels left out being the only person on the dance floor without a drink when he's patrolling the bar I could honestly write a ten-season sitcom about him cacen BIG OL UPDATE: HE GOT MARRIED LAST WEEK!!!! zohbugg I need 10 seasons and a movie about the life of Doorman Dan thecheshirecass I look forward to reading more about the loving, polyamorous relationship he and his wife develop with Ned when they finally meet. fuckyeahdiomedes What's the instagram for the rabbits, op? Source: cacen 114,993 notes Once upon a time there was a doorman named Dan
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Beard, Best Friend, and Club: nicolejones412 Queen Hatshepsut of Ancient Egypt. She has a lovely smile for someone who's been dead for thousands of years. deux-zero-deux she wasn't a queen, she was a pharaoh and wanted to be referred to as such. she even had her statues modeled after the male pharaoh's statues to state her dominance and authority, she was actually one of the most successful pharaohs in all of ancient egyptian history and she reigned longer than any other woman in power in egypt. cumleak damn no wonder she died and smiled for a trillion years afterwards omguchrissy The fact that we know about her is marvelous. the next Pharaoh after her Tuthmosis Ill tried to erase Hatshepsut out of history,chiseled her name off her monuments,covered the text on her obelisks with stone,knocked down and defaced her statues she was even left off the list of pharaohs..talk about some patriarchy her name was lost for a couple of millennia, her body was found in a unmarked grave in early twentieth century sad part is in Egyptian belief is if your are forgotten in the living world you don't exist in the afterlife,so he was trying to kill her even in death fatfury My best friend throwing down some herstory. A+ commentary mothensidhe She wore a fake beard, you guys. She was the fucking boss. If we remember her now does that save her from an awful afterlife? I'm just picturing the Kemetic afterlife. All the Pharaohs are hanging out in some kind of swanky club, drinking and congratulating each other on being bros. The doors slam open and Hatshepsut strides in, glorious, robes swirling, rocking the fake beard and the insane amounts of wealth and power ine sau d power Miss me, bitches? Then she punches Tuthmosis IlI straight in the dick. Source: xxerlflynn 482,180 notes D 画 Finally remembered
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England, Stephen, and Tumblr: A Portrait of James Il's 'Husband' Has Reappeared in Glasgovw "I desire only to live in this world for your sake," the king wrote to him. BY NATASHA FROST SEPTEMBER 25, 2017 A LOST PORTRAIT OF THE man whom English king James I referred to as his "husband," "sweet heart," and the one he loved "more than anvone else" has emerged from conservation work and been authenticated, after having been mistaken for a copy for centuries, the BBC reports. George Villiers, the first Duke of Buckingham, rose to prominence in court after catching the king's eye at a hunt. This 17th-century painting of him, now known to be by the Flemish great Peter Paul Rubens, had been concealed by layers of dirt, as well as later "improvements." In the painting, Villiers is depicted wearing an elaborate lace collar and a sash. He was known for his good looks, and had been described as "the handsomest-bodied man in all of England," with a "lovely complexion." James I lavished attention and care on him, and called him "Steenie" after St. Stephen, who was said to have had the face of an angel. However, whether Villiers and James I were lovers in the modern sense of the word has been a source of some contention. In their letters, James I states how he wept so profusely at their parting "that I can scarcelv see to write. But scholars have argued that such sentiments are not atypical of male friendship in the 17th and 18th centuries. The rumors flared up upon the 2008 discoverv of a secret passage in one of the king's homes linking their bedchambers. squidsticks: King James I: *builds secret tunnel connecting his room to the room of a man he calls his husband* Historians: it’s very hard to tell what kind of relationship they would have had, let’s not look at this through a 21st century lens

squidsticks: King James I: *builds secret tunnel connecting his room to the room of a man he calls his husband* Historians: it’s very hard ...

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Beard, Best Friend, and Club: nicolejones412 demands-with-menace Queen Hatshepsut of Ancient Egypt. She has a lovely smile for someone who's been dead for thousands of years. deux-zero-deux she wasn't a queen. she was a pharaoh and wanted to be referred to as such. she even had her statues modeled after the male pharaoh's statues to state her dominance and authority. she was actually one of the most successful pharaohs in all of ancient egyptian history and she reigned longer than any other woman in power in egypt. and she any other woman in power cumleak damn no wonder she died and smiled for a trillion years afterwards omguchrissy The fact that we know about her is marvelous the next Pharaoh after her Tuthmosis III tried to erase Hatshepsut out of history,chiseled her name off her monuments,covered the text on her obelisks with stone,knocked down and defaced her statues she was even left off the list of pharaohs..talk about some patriarchy bullshit her name was lost for a couple of millennia, her body was found in a unmarked grave in early twentieth century sad part is in Egyptian belief is if your are forgotten in the living world you don't exist in the afterlife,so he was trying to kill her even in death fatfury My best friend throwing down some herstory. A+ commentary mothensidhe She wore a fake beard, you guys. She was the fucking boss. If we remember her now does that save her from an awful afterlife? I'm just picturing the Kemetic afterlife. All the Pharaohs are hanging out in some kind of swanky club, drinking and congratulating each other on being bros. The doors slam open and Hatshepsut strides in, glorious, robes swirling, rocking the fake beard and the insane amounts of wealth and power Miss me, bitches?" Then she punches Tuthmosis แเ straight in the dick. Source:xxerlflynn 482,180 notes 画ノ Hatshepsut
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Blowjob, Candy, and Fucking: hannah @lovecloud I told my boyfriend to write me an essay on why I should blow him 00 AT&T LTE 7:58 PM 89% 8 MAN CANDY I want a persuasive essay with a strong thesis statement written in MLA format on why l should suck your dick Due by midnight tonight I'll fucking do it. Do it Ok. By text or email? Email Gotchu. Jose Alvarez Dr. Hannah Smith GF STUDIES PO1 December 27 2016 A Short but Thorough Analysis on Why You Should Blow Me To blow, or not to blow? This is a parody of the wel echoed Shakespearean proverb that gauges the pros and cons and consequential successes and failures (the latter of which is indisputably improbable) of giving me a blowjob. As the author, whom henceforth will be referred to for general commentary as I or me, have taken a contrarian stance on the hyperbolized disadvantages of giving me a blowjob, I will, in strictly heterosexual dialogue, support my argument by addressing the benefits of having my skin flute played orally. The aforementioned benefits are as follows: increased receptivity for the blowing of the other partner, positive increase on women's self-esteem, and the enrichment of intimacy between men and women who partake in oral sex It goes without saying that in order to be healthy; a person must eat well, exercise moderately, sleep a generous amount, and last but not least, have regularly sex. There is overwhelming evidence supported by countless scientists that links the performance of sex to better health. But where does oral sex benefit me? Why should you blow me? I'm not selfish, and this excerpt from The Evolution of Sexuality from Oakland University proves that blowing me is not only beneficial for me but for you as wel "Men who report performing more mate retention behaviors, in general, and more benefit-provisioning mate retention behaviors, in particular; also report greater interest in, and more time spent, performing oral sex on theii female partner Likewise, women who report performing more benefit-provisioning mate retention behaviors also report greater interest in, and moretme spent, performing oral sex on their male partner -but this relationship is stronger for men." The aforementioned only reinforces my point that blowing me serves to greatly encourage a more diverse repertoire in bed Performing the act of fellatio on your amazing boyfriend surely includes you in the beneficiary. Recent studies and polls have found that there is indeed a correlation concerning th frequency of knob gobbling and a woman's improved self- esteem. According to the June 2011 issue of The Journal of Adolescent Health, researchers at John Hopkins Bloomberg School of Health conducted a poll, of which the results found that sexual pleasure augments healthy psychological and social development. Researcher Adena Galinsky, Ph.D.'s studies in the poll concluded that the receiving and performing of oral se improved a woman's self-esteem, autonomy, and empathy. Isn't sucky fucky amazing? The frequency of oral sex and intimacy goes hand in hand. I uncontestably declare that sex with foreplay will always eclipse sex lacking thereof. Here's what journalist Gigi Engel from Elite Daily has to say; "Ifyou 're giving a blowjob, you 're serving this other person with no guarantee that you ll receive the same satisfaction. You're giving up your pleasure -and perhaps suffering some discomfort -for the sake of making someone else happy. You 're valuing another person 's pleasure above your own." Giving me brain literally fosters a stronger chain of love, admiration, loyalty, and empathy between both of us. If both opinionated journalists and empirical scientists subscribe to this idea, then surely giving me a blowjob rewards not only me, but you as well Giving me a blowjob is thus proven to encourage a healthier sexual and emotional state. These three points are fueled by both reason and logic, and in my opinion, are substantial evidence to the welfare of my dick. In conclusion,I plead with to whom this essay is explicitly written, that you should smoke my penis. The end. unf0rgivingly: This is the most entertaining thing I think I’ve ever read in my life
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Birthday, Douchebag, and Facebook: dex ORIGINAL NOV Windex the Bean 15 726. 2113 Paint the Bean black so they can't Windex it NOV 13 726. 2113 Paint Thinner Pour Paint Thinner On The Bean After They Paint It Black So We Can Windex NOV 13 frosttrix: extremedistressorstellarblowjob: queen-of-heck: brightoncemore: todayiwrotenothing: gay-jesus-probably: solongstarbird: akamine-chan: phantomofthebookstore: dragonastra: jasperzilla: moose-shampoo: if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live in the midwest, this is it.  You missed some of the best ones the best part about it is that the art installation isn’t actually called the Bean. It’s called Cloud Gate, and artist Anish Kapoor (yes, THAT Anish Kapoor) hates that we call it the Bean. But i mean, look at it. It’s a bean. How could you forget this one though I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA THAT THE BEAN WAS CREATED BY ANISH KAPOOR. someone help me why is anish kapoor important what did he do? Alright sit down for some Art World Drama bcause this is what I live for. So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it. Art world is not thrilled with that. Enter Stuart Semple. Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something. Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything. Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink” Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments. Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy. He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide. Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0. So I think we can guess who got the better deal. And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated. …But not quite. Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer. No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi. The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more. Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own. So that’s been the art world for the last two years. Basically, get fucked Anish Kapoor your bean sucks and so does your vantablack. Stuart Semple is organising a bean-kissing event for Anish Kapoor’s birthday. Reblogging for “By attending this event you confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, you are in no way affiliated with Anish Kapoor, you are not attending on behalf of Anish Kapoor or an associate of Anish Kapoor. To the best of your knowledge, information, and belief this event will not be attended by Anish Kapoor.” ALSO HE JUST POSTED THIS!!!!!! LIGHTEST LIGHT! I know this isn’t my art blog but this entire post gives me life im sorry is that man holding a real actual miniature star in his hands
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Douchebag, Fucking, and Instagram: dex ORIGINAL NOV Windex the Bean 15 726. 2113 Paint the Bean black so they can't Windex it NOV 13 726. 2113 Paint Thinner Pour Paint Thinner On The Bean After They Paint It Black So We Can Windex NOV 13 gay-jesus-probably: solongstarbird: akamine-chan: phantomofthebookstore: dragonastra: jasperzilla: moose-shampoo: if you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live in the midwest, this is it.  You missed some of the best ones the best part about it is that the art installation isn’t actually called the Bean. It’s called Cloud Gate, and artist Anish Kapoor (yes, THAT Anish Kapoor) hates that we call it the Bean. But i mean, look at it. It’s a bean. How could you forget this one though I HAD NO FUCKING IDEA THAT THE BEAN WAS CREATED BY ANISH KAPOOR. someone help me why is anish kapoor important what did he do? Alright sit down for some Art World Drama bcause this is what I live for. So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it. Art world is not thrilled with that. Enter Stuart Semple. Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something. Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything. Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink” Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments. Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy. He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide. Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0. So I think we can guess who got the better deal. And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated. …But not quite. Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer. No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi. The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more. Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own. So that’s been the art world for the last two years. Basically, get fucked Anish Kapoor your bean sucks and so does your vantablack.
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