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ao3tagoftheday: 186282397milespersec: ao3tagoftheday: [Image Description: Tag reading “yes its true Moscow ran out of vodka during the victory celebration of WWII”] The AO3 Tag of the Day is: Please ask me about the Russian vodka ban in 1914? What was the Russian Vodka Ban in 1914? Ok, time to nerd. So Russians like vodka, ok? I don’t think this is a big revelation to anyone, but I feel like I should make it clear. Vodka is…important…in Russia.So, in 1904, Russia was preparing to go fight a war with Japan. Because, you know, sometimes you’re trying to retain control of a warm-water port and also there’s racism and then you need to have a war about it. So the Tsar orders his army to mobilize to go fight Japan, only there’s a problem: instead of mobilizing in an organized manner, soldiers are buying vodka and getting drunk out of their minds and then, like, not showing up for the war. Which, I mean, valid. I might get drunk and not show up if someone told me I had to go fight a war, and I don’t even drink. But it was a problem, and it actually really messed up Russia’s mobilization plans.So 1914 rolls around, and the Russians are going to go to war with Austria. Because, you know, sometimes international tensions in a multipolar situation get really heightened and then some asshole in an ugly uniform gets shot and then you need to have a war about it. So the Tsar orders his army to mobilize to go fight Austria, and this time, he has a plan. Vodka will not defeat him! He bans the sale of vodka in Russia. All of it. First for the duration of the mobilization period, and then for the duration of the war. Great idea, right?Only there’s a problem. The reason the Tsar can just stop all vodka sales with a snap of his fingers is that the Tsar sells all the vodka. Vodka is a state monopoly. You literally can’t get vodka from anyone but the government. Which makes it very easy to ban, but, well….Remember how I said Russians really like vodka? I’m just gonna say it again: Russians really like vodka. Really, really like it. So it makes sense that, if you’re a government with chronic money problems, you might create a state monopoly on vodka sales in order to raise some cash. You might raise a lot of cash. A huge fucking ton of cash. Literally one third of the Russian government’s revenue came from selling vodka. One fucking third.Here’s another thing: Wars? They cost money. A lot of it. And if you’re the Russian state in, say, 1914, and you’re about to kick off WWI, it might behoove you to not literally eliminate a third of your fucking revenue with a snap of your fingers! I don’t think that’s such a hard idea to wrap your head around, but what the fuck do I know. But anyway, Russia had chronic money problems throughout the war and couldn’t outfit their soldiers or feed their people or any of that shit. Also there was a revolution and communism and such-like. The end.Anyway, this story has several morals and they are as follows:Getting drunk and not showing up for wars is a valid life choiceConsidering the possible effects of your policies before implementing them is important please do thatProhibition causes communism and therefore we should all buy as much alcohol as we can because we love god and america: yes its true Moscow ran out of vodka during the victory celebration of WWII, ao3tagoftheday: 186282397milespersec: ao3tagoftheday: [Image Description: Tag reading “yes its true Moscow ran out of vodka during the victory celebration of WWII”] The AO3 Tag of the Day is: Please ask me about the Russian vodka ban in 1914? What was the Russian Vodka Ban in 1914? Ok, time to nerd. So Russians like vodka, ok? I don’t think this is a big revelation to anyone, but I feel like I should make it clear. Vodka is…important…in Russia.So, in 1904, Russia was preparing to go fight a war with Japan. Because, you know, sometimes you’re trying to retain control of a warm-water port and also there’s racism and then you need to have a war about it. So the Tsar orders his army to mobilize to go fight Japan, only there’s a problem: instead of mobilizing in an organized manner, soldiers are buying vodka and getting drunk out of their minds and then, like, not showing up for the war. Which, I mean, valid. I might get drunk and not show up if someone told me I had to go fight a war, and I don’t even drink. But it was a problem, and it actually really messed up Russia’s mobilization plans.So 1914 rolls around, and the Russians are going to go to war with Austria. Because, you know, sometimes international tensions in a multipolar situation get really heightened and then some asshole in an ugly uniform gets shot and then you need to have a war about it. So the Tsar orders his army to mobilize to go fight Austria, and this time, he has a plan. Vodka will not defeat him! He bans the sale of vodka in Russia. All of it. First for the duration of the mobilization period, and then for the duration of the war. Great idea, right?Only there’s a problem. The reason the Tsar can just stop all vodka sales with a snap of his fingers is that the Tsar sells all the vodka. Vodka is a state monopoly. You literally can’t get vodka from anyone but the government. Which makes it very easy to ban, but, well….Remember how I said Russians really like vodka? I’m just gonna say it again: Russians really like vodka. Really, really like it. So it makes sense that, if you’re a government with chronic money problems, you might create a state monopoly on vodka sales in order to raise some cash. You might raise a lot of cash. A huge fucking ton of cash. Literally one third of the Russian government’s revenue came from selling vodka. One fucking third.Here’s another thing: Wars? They cost money. A lot of it. And if you’re the Russian state in, say, 1914, and you’re about to kick off WWI, it might behoove you to not literally eliminate a third of your fucking revenue with a snap of your fingers! I don’t think that’s such a hard idea to wrap your head around, but what the fuck do I know. But anyway, Russia had chronic money problems throughout the war and couldn’t outfit their soldiers or feed their people or any of that shit. Also there was a revolution and communism and such-like. The end.Anyway, this story has several morals and they are as follows:Getting drunk and not showing up for wars is a valid life choiceConsidering the possible effects of your policies before implementing them is important please do thatProhibition causes communism and therefore we should all buy as much alcohol as we can because we love god and america
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despicabledeadpool: midnight-revelation: despicabledeadpool: Dude, he’s like, the ultimate philanthropist  Gotham, before Bruce Wayne returns to it, is literally falling apart and he all but single-handedly provides the funds necessary to maintain the infrastructure of the city. He keeps the hospitals up and running, prevents the schools from shutting down, keeps Gotham Police Department functional, and keeps organized crime out of Blüdhaven by rebuilding it and revitalizing the job sector. Philanthropic billionaire Bruce Wayne is responsible for this, not The Dark Knight Batman. He had absolutely no obligation to do any of this. He didn’t have to start The Martha Wayne Foundation or The Thomas Wayne Foundation or Wayne Medical or Wayne Industries. He did it because to save Gotham, it would take more than just Batman beating up on the bad guys, stopping organized crime, and getting rid of corrupt officials. Saving a city from crime means nothing if the city and its people are in physical and financial ruin when all is said and done. ┏┓  ┃┃╱╲ in this┃╱╱╲╲  city╱╱╭╮╲╲  we ▔▏┗┛▕▔    appreciate╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲  Bruce Wayne╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔: Austin Gilkeson @osutein Bruce Wayne paying 90% taxes on income and capital gains over $10 million would do more to help Gotham than Batman ever could. Let's Talk Justice League! @letstalkjla 2d What's your most controversial opinion about Batman? despicabledeadpool: midnight-revelation: despicabledeadpool: Dude, he’s like, the ultimate philanthropist  Gotham, before Bruce Wayne returns to it, is literally falling apart and he all but single-handedly provides the funds necessary to maintain the infrastructure of the city. He keeps the hospitals up and running, prevents the schools from shutting down, keeps Gotham Police Department functional, and keeps organized crime out of Blüdhaven by rebuilding it and revitalizing the job sector. Philanthropic billionaire Bruce Wayne is responsible for this, not The Dark Knight Batman. He had absolutely no obligation to do any of this. He didn’t have to start The Martha Wayne Foundation or The Thomas Wayne Foundation or Wayne Medical or Wayne Industries. He did it because to save Gotham, it would take more than just Batman beating up on the bad guys, stopping organized crime, and getting rid of corrupt officials. Saving a city from crime means nothing if the city and its people are in physical and financial ruin when all is said and done. ┏┓  ┃┃╱╲ in this┃╱╱╲╲  city╱╱╭╮╲╲  we ▔▏┗┛▕▔    appreciate╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲  Bruce Wayne╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲ ▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

despicabledeadpool: midnight-revelation: despicabledeadpool: Dude, he’s like, the ultimate philanthropist  Gotham, before Bruce Wayne...

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more general IT Company than programming but I hope it still fits here: toggl.com YOU WANT TO WORK FOR A So LET'S POP THE HOOD AND SEE WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE IT TAKES TO TECH COMPANY? KEEP THE ENGINE RUNNING: KITCHEN FOUNTAIN OFFICE OF NINJA Qurifed GROWTH OUTDO LAND 9HAXIMUM lead ENPUTO 3 CFO developer face PRODUCT 5 LEAD Snace free REVELATION FRONT EN6 1) 0BM/SEO LEADGEN CAMP SUPPORT (8 CEO NERF GUN WAR ZONE 2 CUSTOMER SOCIAL MEDIA HIPSTER incoming tickets 10 SERVERS IN-HOUSE DESIGNER 11 BACKEND 9ENGINEER 15 MART VIRKUS THE CAST овм/SEO 1) LEADGEN 2 CUSTOMER Front line troops with nerves of steel. Customer support Black wizards of the Internet, skilled in the dark art of commandos have an uncanny ability to say "no" without it sounding like "no". Mostly peaceful. generating clicks, traffic and conversions. What, you think you found this comic by chance? 3 CFO HIPSTER The vault keeper. Tasked with maintaining fiscal responsibility. Also has to say "no" a lot, but lets silly expense requests slide occasionally to maintain peace and illusion of democracy Communicates in GIFS exclusively Social media hipsters are the only people who think "tweeting" counts as a skill on LinkedIn (and will ask to endorse it relentlessly). 6FRONT-N DEVS 5 LEAD A.K.A. "not actual engineers" in backend vocab. Heavily into classic rock or gangsta rap (or both). Obscurity of their hobbies is only matched by that of their T-shirt slogans. The buck stops here. Has keyboard shortcuts for phrases like "do it", "how hard can it be?" and "no." Not very peaceful. </Head Bady В СЕо OFFICE A.K.A. "The Big Cheese" CEOS feel most comfortable Ever wonder where your plane tickets, free snacks and gadgets come from? That's the work of an Office Ninja. The best Ninjas operate when facing challenges, so expect big changes (or a surprise product launch) when things start working too smoothly without ever being noticed. 9 KEND 10 SERVERS The non-glamorous techie. A watchful protector and a silent knight they keep the business up and running. He's the hero the company deserves (but not the one it needs) The only ones working 24/7. Go servers! 11) DESIGNER Arare beast, as most creatives prefer to roam free, hopping from one project to another. It's best to give them creative control to reduce chance of escape or violent rebellion. toggl.com Mart Virkus@ blog.toggl.com more general IT Company than programming but I hope it still fits here

more general IT Company than programming but I hope it still fits here

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laughoutloud-club: Beautiful English Words: The 10O Most Beautiful Words in Ailurophile: A cat-lover emblage: A gathering. Becoming: Attr Beleaguer: To exhaust with attacks Brood: To think alone ng Bungalow: A small, cozy cottage Chatoyant: Like a cat's eye ely: Attractive Conflate: To blend together Cynosure: A focal point of admiration. Dalliance: A brief love affair Demesne: Dominion, territory Demure: Shy and reserved Denouement: The resolution of a mystery Desuetude: Disuse. Desultory: Slow, sluggish. Diaphanous: Filmy Dissemble ive Dulcet: Sweet, sugary. Ebullience: Bubbling enthusiasm. Effervescent: Bubbly Efflorescence: Flowering, blooming. Elision: Dropping a sound or syllable in a word r: Eloquence: Beauty and persuasion in speech. Embrocation: Rubbing on a lotion. Emollient: A softener Ephemeral: Short-lived Epiphany: A sudden revelation. Erstwhile: At one time, for a time Ethereal: Gaseous, invisible but detectable Evanescent: Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time Evocative: Suggestive Fetching:Pretty Felicity: Pleasantness Forbearance: Withholding response to provocation. Fugacious: Fleeting hifty, sneaky Gambol: To skip or leap about joyfully Glamour: Beauty. Gossamer: The finest piece of thread, a spider's silk n: Harbinger: Messenger with news of the future Imbrication: Overlapping and forming a regular pattern. Imbroglio: An altercation or complicated situation. Imbue: To infuse, instill. Incipient: Beginning, in an early stage Ineffable: Unutterable, inexpressible Ingénue: A naive young woman. Inglenook: A cozy nook by the hearth. Insouciance: Blithe nonchalance Inure: To become jaded Labyrinthine: Twisting and turning Lagniappe: A special kind of gift. Lagoon: A small gulf or inlet. Languor: Listlessness, inactivity Lassitude: Weariness, listlessness. Lilt: To move musically or lively Lissome: Slender and graceful. Lithe: Slender and flexible. ve Mellifluous: Sweet sounding. Moiety: One of two equal parts. Mondegreen: A slip of the ear Murmurous: Murmuring Nemesis:An unconquerable archenemy Offing: The sea between the horizon and the offshore Onomatopoeia: A word that sounds like its meaning Opulent: Lush, luxuriant. Palimpsest: A manuscript written over earlier ones Panacea: A solution for all problems Panoply: A complete set. Pastiche: An art work combining materials from various sources. Penumbra: A half-shadow Petrichor: The smell of earth after rain. Plethora:A large quantity. Propinquity: An inclination. Pyrrhic: Successful with heavy losses. Quintessential: Most essential Ratatouille: A spicy French stew. Ravel: To knit or unknit. Redolent: Fragrant. Riparian: By the bank of a stream. Ripple: A very small wave Scintilla: A spark or very small thing Sempiternal: Eternal Seraglio: Rich, luxurious oriental palace or harem. Serendipity: Finding something nice while looking for something else Summery: Light, delicate or warm and sunny Sumptuous: Lush, luxurious. Surreptitious: Secretive, sneaky Susquehanna: A river in Pennsylvania Susurrous: Whispering, hissing Talisman: A good luck charm. Tintinnabulation: Tinkling. Umbrella: Protection from sun or rain. Untoward: Unseemly, inappropriate. Vestigial: In trace amounts Wafture: Waving Wherewithal: The means. Woebegone: Sorrowful, downcast THE META PICTURE laughoutloud-club: Beautiful English Words

laughoutloud-club: Beautiful English Words

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epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible: The Entire Bible Explained In One Facebook Post. This Guy Nails It. 6 hrs e Holy Bible: the TL DR version (too long; didnt read) GENESIS God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun Adam & Eve: Okay Satan: You should do the thing Adam & Eve: Okay God: What happened!? Adam & Eve: We did the thing God: Guys THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT God: You are my people, and you should not do the things People: We wont do the things God: Good People: We did the things. God: Guys THE GOSPELS JesusI am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore Healed people: Okay! Thank you! Other people: Weve never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking Jesus: I have never done the things Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things Pilate: Did you do the things? Jesus: No. Pilate: He didn't do the things. Other people: Kill him anyway Pilate: Okay Jesus: Guys.... PAUL'S LETTERS People: We did the things. Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things People: Okay PAUL'S LETTERS PART II People: We did the things again Paul: Guys REVELATION John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things. THE END Unlike Comment Share and 7 others like this. That still was dr, dude 6 hrs Like 1 5 mins Like Write a comment. epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

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epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible: The Entire Bible Explained In One Facebook Post. This Guy Nails It. 6 hrs e Holy Bible: the TL DR version (too long; didnt read) GENESIS God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun Adam & Eve: Okay Satan: You should do the thing Adam & Eve: Okay God: What happened!? Adam & Eve: We did the thing God: Guys THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT God: You are my people, and you should not do the things People: We wont do the things God: Good People: We did the things. God: Guys THE GOSPELS JesusI am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore Healed people: Okay! Thank you! Other people: Weve never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking Jesus: I have never done the things Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things Pilate: Did you do the things? Jesus: No. Pilate: He didn't do the things. Other people: Kill him anyway Pilate: Okay Jesus: Guys.... PAUL'S LETTERS People: We did the things. Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things People: Okay PAUL'S LETTERS PART II People: We did the things again Paul: Guys REVELATION John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things. THE END Unlike Comment Share and 7 others like this. That still was dr, dude 6 hrs Like 1 5 mins Like Write a comment. epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

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epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible: The Entire Bible Explained In One Facebook Post. This Guy Nails It. 6 hrs e Holy Bible: the TL DR version (too long; didnt read) GENESIS God: All right, you two, don't do the one thing. Other than that, have fun Adam & Eve: Okay Satan: You should do the thing Adam & Eve: Okay God: What happened!? Adam & Eve: We did the thing God: Guys THE REST OF THE OLD TESTAMENT God: You are my people, and you should not do the things People: We wont do the things God: Good People: We did the things. God: Guys THE GOSPELS JesusI am the Son of God, and even though you have done the things, the Father and I still love you and want you to live. Don't do the things anymore Healed people: Okay! Thank you! Other people: Weve never seen him do the things, but he probably does the things when no one is looking Jesus: I have never done the things Other people: We're going to put you on trial for doing the things Pilate: Did you do the things? Jesus: No. Pilate: He didn't do the things. Other people: Kill him anyway Pilate: Okay Jesus: Guys.... PAUL'S LETTERS People: We did the things. Paul: Jesus still loves you, and because you love Him, you have to stop doing the things People: Okay PAUL'S LETTERS PART II People: We did the things again Paul: Guys REVELATION John: When Jesus comes back, there will be no more people who do the things. In the meantime, stop doing the things. THE END Unlike Comment Share and 7 others like this. That still was dr, dude 6 hrs Like 1 5 mins Like Write a comment. epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

epicjohndoe: TL;DR Version Of The Bible

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Every dude has that one girl that we think “damn what could have been?”. That girl is far from perfect, but a combination of personality,looks, and chemistry between the two of you was a perfect blend. You can’t reminisce on her king move on. You just scrolling through ya timeline looking for memes In bed to put your mood up when she updates her story. Dudes not FBI agents like girls. We be searching through tags and profiles for someone. We end up watching basketball highlights. But me I was determined. Shorty caught that heartbreak glow up. Once a girl cut her hair she a whole new person. She lost that Fupa and caught all the motivation she never had while with you. She focusing On God family and school now. She been hit with a Revelation to better her self for the next dude she with. And the funny thing for the Next dude If your girl was slim she got thick within a 4 day span. Her skin glowing, she bumped up from the 6.5 - to a respectable 8. It’s no nut November and you tryna stay strong but her new nigga don’t participate in that. He probably clapping as we speak. You see a snap of her and hear a dudes voice in the background. You trying to figure out if it’s her daddy or new man. But then you realize her daddy ain’t come back from Walmart. New dude voice deep like Mufasa. You sound like Hinata to him. This one hit to close to home fam. I’m still a dog tho.: "wow she really left our toxic relationship to be in a happy relationship?" Every dude has that one girl that we think “damn what could have been?”. That girl is far from perfect, but a combination of personality,looks, and chemistry between the two of you was a perfect blend. You can’t reminisce on her king move on. You just scrolling through ya timeline looking for memes In bed to put your mood up when she updates her story. Dudes not FBI agents like girls. We be searching through tags and profiles for someone. We end up watching basketball highlights. But me I was determined. Shorty caught that heartbreak glow up. Once a girl cut her hair she a whole new person. She lost that Fupa and caught all the motivation she never had while with you. She focusing On God family and school now. She been hit with a Revelation to better her self for the next dude she with. And the funny thing for the Next dude If your girl was slim she got thick within a 4 day span. Her skin glowing, she bumped up from the 6.5 - to a respectable 8. It’s no nut November and you tryna stay strong but her new nigga don’t participate in that. He probably clapping as we speak. You see a snap of her and hear a dudes voice in the background. You trying to figure out if it’s her daddy or new man. But then you realize her daddy ain’t come back from Walmart. New dude voice deep like Mufasa. You sound like Hinata to him. This one hit to close to home fam. I’m still a dog tho.
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temptation-revelation: rsbenedict: kaijutegu: roachpatrol: I WOULD PAY TEN TIMES AS MUCH FOR CHOCOLATE IF IT MEANT REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF SLAVES IN THE WORLD? HOW IS THIS ANY KIND OF PROBLEM.  good news, you can! the company’s called Tony’s Chocolonely and their entire purpose is to make slave-free chocolate and reform the chocolate industry. https://tonyschocolonely.com/us/en https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony%27s_Chocolonely Whole Foods carries it. If you don’t want to support an Amazon-owned company, World Market carries it. You can also buy it directly from the company.  It’s the best chocolate I’ve ever had and it’s 100% slave free. Tony’s Chocolonely works really hard to push for transparency within the chocolate industry and actually has and is following an action plan to eliminate slavery within cocoa production. They’re good people who make good chocolate. A list of slavery-free chocolate companies: Aldi Aloha Feels Chocolate Alma Chocolate Alter Eco Chocolate Amano Chocolate Askinoise Chocolate The Beach Chocolate Factory Belicious Black Mountain Chocolate Cacaoteca Caribeans Chocolate Castronovo Chocolate Charm School Chocolates Chocolate Cartel Chocolat Celeste Chocolate Tree Chocolate Troubadour Choconat Coco Chocolate Compartes Chocolates Dandelion Chocolate Dark Forest Chocolate Denman Island Chocolate Divine Chocolate Co. Eating Evolved Eat Your Hat El Ceibo The Endangered Species Equal Exchange Fairafric Forever Cocoa Fresco Chocolate Fruition Chocolate Gayleen’s Decadence GEPA Chocolate Giddy Yo Yo Grenada Chocolate Company Grocer’s Daughter Chocolate Guittard Habitual Chocolate Hagensborg Chocolates Health by Chocolate Hilo Shark Chocolate HNINA Gourmet Honest Artisan Chocolate Hooray  Tuffles Ithaca Fine Chocolates L.A. Burdick Chocolates La Iguana Chocolate Lake Champlain Chocolates La Siembra Cooperative Lillie Belle Farms Madecasse Malagasy Maverick Chocolate Company Max Havelaar Mayan Monkey Mayordomo Mia Chocolate Montezuma’s Chocolates Nayah Amazon Chocolates Newman’s Own Organics Purdy’s Chocolate Omanahene Cocoa Bean Company Ombar OpuLux Fair Trade Chocolate Original Hawaiian Chocolate Parliament Chocolate Montevérgine Patric Chocolate Plamil Organic Chocolate Potomac Chocolate Pure Lovin’ Chocolate Rain Republic Rapunzel Pure Organics Ritual Chocolate Samaritan Xocolata Sappho Chocolates Seed Bean Chocolate Shaman Chocolates Sibú Chocolate Solkiki Chocolate Sweet Earth Chocolates Sweet Impact Fudge Sweet Riot Sun Eaters Organics Taza Chocolate Terra Nostra Organic Terroir Chocolate TCHO The Chocolate Wave Theo Chocolate The Original Chocolate Bar (Houston, TX) Tobago Estate Chocolate TONY’S CHOCOLONELY Vivani Chocolate Vosges Wei of Chocolate Xocolatl Chocolate Zotter : Hend Amry @LibyaLiberty Follow I will pay more for a chocolate bar if it means less slavery how is this a serious warning. Mike S. Omer-Man@MikeOmerMan Nestle says slavery reporting requirements could cost customers srmi.exiiauafoliiicxi/icxlkir... 12:21 AM-5 Sep 2018 2,117 Retweets 8.247 Likes bet @③ temptation-revelation: rsbenedict: kaijutegu: roachpatrol: I WOULD PAY TEN TIMES AS MUCH FOR CHOCOLATE IF IT MEANT REDUCING THE AMOUNT OF SLAVES IN THE WORLD? HOW IS THIS ANY KIND OF PROBLEM.  good news, you can! the company’s called Tony’s Chocolonely and their entire purpose is to make slave-free chocolate and reform the chocolate industry. https://tonyschocolonely.com/us/en https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tony%27s_Chocolonely Whole Foods carries it. If you don’t want to support an Amazon-owned company, World Market carries it. You can also buy it directly from the company.  It’s the best chocolate I’ve ever had and it’s 100% slave free. Tony’s Chocolonely works really hard to push for transparency within the chocolate industry and actually has and is following an action plan to eliminate slavery within cocoa production. They’re good people who make good chocolate. A list of slavery-free chocolate companies: Aldi Aloha Feels Chocolate Alma Chocolate Alter Eco Chocolate Amano Chocolate Askinoise Chocolate The Beach Chocolate Factory Belicious Black Mountain Chocolate Cacaoteca Caribeans Chocolate Castronovo Chocolate Charm School Chocolates Chocolate Cartel Chocolat Celeste Chocolate Tree Chocolate Troubadour Choconat Coco Chocolate Compartes Chocolates Dandelion Chocolate Dark Forest Chocolate Denman Island Chocolate Divine Chocolate Co. Eating Evolved Eat Your Hat El Ceibo The Endangered Species Equal Exchange Fairafric Forever Cocoa Fresco Chocolate Fruition Chocolate Gayleen’s Decadence GEPA Chocolate Giddy Yo Yo Grenada Chocolate Company Grocer’s Daughter Chocolate Guittard Habitual Chocolate Hagensborg Chocolates Health by Chocolate Hilo Shark Chocolate HNINA Gourmet Honest Artisan Chocolate Hooray  Tuffles Ithaca Fine Chocolates L.A. Burdick Chocolates La Iguana Chocolate Lake Champlain Chocolates La Siembra Cooperative Lillie Belle Farms Madecasse Malagasy Maverick Chocolate Company Max Havelaar Mayan Monkey Mayordomo Mia Chocolate Montezuma’s Chocolates Nayah Amazon Chocolates Newman’s Own Organics Purdy’s Chocolate Omanahene Cocoa Bean Company Ombar OpuLux Fair Trade Chocolate Original Hawaiian Chocolate Parliament Chocolate Montevérgine Patric Chocolate Plamil Organic Chocolate Potomac Chocolate Pure Lovin’ Chocolate Rain Republic Rapunzel Pure Organics Ritual Chocolate Samaritan Xocolata Sappho Chocolates Seed Bean Chocolate Shaman Chocolates Sibú Chocolate Solkiki Chocolate Sweet Earth Chocolates Sweet Impact Fudge Sweet Riot Sun Eaters Organics Taza Chocolate Terra Nostra Organic Terroir Chocolate TCHO The Chocolate Wave Theo Chocolate The Original Chocolate Bar (Houston, TX) Tobago Estate Chocolate TONY’S CHOCOLONELY Vivani Chocolate Vosges Wei of Chocolate Xocolatl Chocolate Zotter

temptation-revelation: rsbenedict: kaijutegu: roachpatrol: I WOULD PAY TEN TIMES AS MUCH FOR CHOCOLATE IF IT MEANT REDUCING THE AMOUNT...

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I guess angels are spooky.: What do angels actually look like per the bible? Well, according to Ezekiel 1 they might look something like this. According to Daniel 10 something like this. According to lsaiah 6 In Ezekiel 10 Again in Ezekiel 10. Basically, when the people writing Scripture tried to describe what they saw when they saw an angel they run into the end of their imagination..they can never quite seem to fully explain it because they had trouble even comprehending what they saw, let alone being able to descrbe it to someone else revelation19 REAL Yeah, that's usually how people responded to seeing thern in the Bible There's a good reason why angels' standard greeting is Do not be afraid lused to listen to this radio show and one thing remember because it was so funny was a Christmas special where an angel showed up to tell the shepherds about the birth of Christ. The conversations went: Angel: "FEAR NOT Shepherds: "screaming Angel: "ISAID FEAR NOT Shepherds: "screaming LOUDER Angel: "WHAT PART OF FEAR NOT ARE YOU NOT UNDERSTANDING So demons are fallen angels but they don't look scary because theyre fallen, that's just what all angels look like.. Maybe that's why so many Christians see visions of Saints or the Virgin Mary insteadlike Jesus is all..no, no see being human made me realize sending Angels might not be the best idea. Idon't know if humans can handle this. So 'm gonna just send mom IM GONNA JUST SEND MOM God: The humans are scared Mary: Fine Im on it. Jesus: It's either Mom or the thousand eyed flaming wheel, Dad, do you really think the humans are gonna be chill with that when they're terrified of spiders already? God: Hey now, some of those spiders eat birds JesusDad. God: -.To be fair, Australian wildlife was my dark creation phase Australian wildlife was my dark creation phase Source: revelation 19 I guess angels are spooky.

I guess angels are spooky.

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elastigirl discourse: relishboi hey gave elastigirl the main role in incredibles 2 to make up for the fucked up shit they made her do in the first one airfierce kay first of all she is their MOTHER and she did NOTHING less than keeping her family SAFE airfierce okay first of all she is their MOTHER and she did NOTHING less than keeping her family SAFE lookin4something Yo what? She was a liscenced pilot who had enough connects and respect to get a fuckin in less than 24 hours, then saved her family nd humanity. Being thic is a biproduct of her kicking ass all day every day tell me I'm wrong midnight-revelation Helen Par was, undoubtedly, The Hero of The Incredibles. She single-handedly saved her two children from a plane explosion fter piloting the HELL out of a government jet. She then all but single-handedly saved her husband (Mirage beat her to it by milliseconds). And to top it off, she let herself be thrown at least 40 meters into the air to save her baby that was in free fall. Bob may have been out there kicking ass and looking good Incredible throughout that entire movie. It's like she said in the beginning of the movie doing it, but ElastiGirl was Mrs. Fucking at the top of my game! I'm right up there with the big dogs! Girls, come on! Leave the saving of the world to the men? I don't think so! I don't think so." midnight-revelation ALL WHILE her husband, Mr. Incredible, was running around, out for days at a time, being too In family (to be fair, he was getting paid serious credible to help his wife raise their ney for it and he just lost his job, so it was win-win for him). But, while he was trying to e a superhero again, she was at home, being a supermother to her chaotic superpowered children and a superwife to her suspicious a ing husband, even as evidence started piling up that painted Bob's recent actions in an un- flattering light. ElastiGirl had the main role in ct he Incredibles lII because it was exactly what she deserved. It was her time to run around and be Incredible while Bob raised the kids Source: relishboi elastigirl discourse
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lemonvortex: lemonvortex: lemonvortex: I’m gonna be ill “They are arguing that they shouldnt have to reunite them with their kids” AND WHAT ALTERNATIVE, EXACTLY, DO YOU HAVE? I literally just cant even keep up with every awful headline I see at this point Even people who are naturalized citizens are at risk And I’m hardly seeing anyone outside of news-oriented social circles talking about what may be coming in the wake of all of this It all just keeps piling up And more And more I feel like the point of no return for the initiation of a dystopian regime is far behind us and it makes me fucking sick : Trump administratiorn admits they've lost track of roughly 20 percent of toddlers' parents And only half of the youngest children abducted by the Trump administration will be reunited by the court-imposed deadline. ADAM PECK Y JUL 6, 2018, 4:21 PM During a conference call with reporters and U.S. District Judge Dana Sabraw on Friday afternoon, government officials acknowledged that as many as 20 percent of the youngest children ripped from their parents on Donald Trump's orders won't be reunified with their families any time soon The revelation comes a day after Health and Human Services Secretary Alex Azar assured the public that the government would meet the court's July 10 deadline to reunite children under the age of 5 with their parents, only to immediately backtrack lemonvortex: lemonvortex: lemonvortex: I’m gonna be ill “They are arguing that they shouldnt have to reunite them with their kids” AND WHAT ALTERNATIVE, EXACTLY, DO YOU HAVE? I literally just cant even keep up with every awful headline I see at this point Even people who are naturalized citizens are at risk And I’m hardly seeing anyone outside of news-oriented social circles talking about what may be coming in the wake of all of this It all just keeps piling up And more And more I feel like the point of no return for the initiation of a dystopian regime is far behind us and it makes me fucking sick
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<p><a href="http://princess-has-a-pen.tumblr.com/post/166223687686/trilllizard420-the1manpizzaparty" class="tumblr_blog">princess-has-a-pen</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164525613653/the1manpizzaparty-trilllizard420" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://the1manpizzaparty.tumblr.com/post/164445569495/trilllizard420-unicornlordart-well-somebodys" class="tumblr_blog">the1manpizzaparty</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164374984198/unicornlordart-well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://unicornlordart.tumblr.com/post/164374320304/well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">unicornlordart</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Well… Somebody’s fucking lying.</p></blockquote> <p>diversity in and of itself doesn’t kill comics, but pointless, endless reboots, massive events that rely on you keeping up with 12 given titles at any time, and constant, badly established legacy characters are why comics are failing</p> <p>not to mention splitting up iconic superhero titles among more than one person at once</p> <p>did you know there’s actually 3 people running around with the Wolverine codename at the moment?</p> <p>Let’s take some examples:</p> <p>Riri Williams popped up with no buildup after Tony Stark got murked, but he was apparently monitoring this 15 year old girl teen prodigy never mentioned before in his comics, entrusted with an AI based on his brain patterns and personality to mentor her.</p> <p>You know, as compared to however fucking many characters they could’ve given his legacy to.</p> <p>Also we’re supposed to believe someone as egotistical and self glorifying as Dr Doom would take on the identity of Iron Man?</p> <p>Please.</p> <p>It’s the same shit as Jane Foster as female Thor, with a healthy combination of plothole.</p> <p>Somehow, a human woman who has not been involved with Thor in way, with a terminal disease that was ravaging her body, somehow ended up ON THE MOON without any protection and managed to pick up Mjolnr and was found Worthy by it after the fight where Thor ceased to be Worthy.</p> <p>Like, you know, instead of Sif, a long time companion of Thor and who can pick up the hammer or Angela, who Marvel had then won a recent legal fight to be able to use….</p> <p>People don’t dislike it because it’s “diversity”</p> <p>They don’t like it because it’s weak, pandering writing that doesn’t stand up to internal logic.</p> <p>Now, an example of this done right is when Sam Wilson, aka, the Falcon, became Captain America</p> <p>for one thing, he was actually established as working closely with Steve Rogers for a long time in the comics before he was given the mantle. By Steve Rogers himself.</p> <p>See, at this point, Rogers got rapidly aged cause his super serum stopped working and he was an old man, so he couldn’t do it any more, but he was still around to give Sam advice and support over comms.</p> <p>But of course, until Marvel actually bothers to learn why people aren’t buying their shit, they’re gonna keep making the same mistakes, as long as they’re insulated by the losses of the MCU and being used by Disney as a vanity press, they’ll never learn and lose more ground to DC and the indies</p> <p>EDIT: Also I totally forgot, unrecognizable new brands they try to create.</p> <p>If your comic customers, as in the customers that go in and buy things, if they go “who’s this” and show you a comic, then they’re probably not gonna pick it up. They’re there to buy Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, X-Men, Avengers they can recognize, not fuckin Stardude or whatever odd new thing they’re gonna push is.</p> <p>It’s nothing to do with race of sex of the characters concerned, but if they’ve got no brand recognition to support their solo titles, they’re gonna flounder.</p> <p>Not even getting into the alienating, pointlessly political shite like that infamous Mockingbird “Ask Me About My Feminist Agenda” t-shirt schlock stunt.</p> <p>What’s also more damaging than that is a flippant response to criticism or calling their readership racist assholes on twitter or whatever. That’s a really bad look for an industry professional when you’re not even an artist or a writer as someone essential to a comic book.</p> </blockquote> <p>this person forgot to mention how they shoehorn in unnecessary commentary and subplots no one was looking for. it honestly feels like that sometimes spider man stops mid fight and says “did i mention im a gay POC” (hyperbole but kind of true)</p> </blockquote> <p>this, sadly, is Not Hyperbole with America Chavez</p> </blockquote> <p>And the worst thing is?</p> <p>With tweaking and good writing, Riri and America (what a stupid name) could work.</p> <p>But because Marvel is run by incompetent pandering idiots, they’re the worst ideas to ever come out of the company.</p> </blockquote> <p>I honestly wish Riri had been done well because I don’t mind the concept.</p>: AjA J+ 2 mins AjAJ+ 2 mins #comicCon is underway. With a recent surge in diversifying comic book characters, do you have a new favorite superhero? on is under way with a recent surge in diversifying comic book #Comic characters, do you have a new favorite superhero? Is diversit killing comios? As Aj fanboys but ho. Sorry MARVEL V.P. ADMITS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS KILLED COMIC SALES April 3, 2017 Daniel Greenfield 50 526 While the Marvel-Disney monster has been ruling the box office, Marvel Comics sales have been having serious issues. One obvious factor was trying to force political correctness on readers by replacing Peter Parker, Iron Man, etc with ridiculously politically correct "diverse" versions In a revelation that would surprise no one, comic book readers were not interested in a Muslim Ms. Marvel, a Latino Spider-Man who isn't Peter Parker or the Angela Davis version of Iron Man. And Marvel's VP of Sales made the mistake of admitting that. <p><a href="http://princess-has-a-pen.tumblr.com/post/166223687686/trilllizard420-the1manpizzaparty" class="tumblr_blog">princess-has-a-pen</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164525613653/the1manpizzaparty-trilllizard420" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://the1manpizzaparty.tumblr.com/post/164445569495/trilllizard420-unicornlordart-well-somebodys" class="tumblr_blog">the1manpizzaparty</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="https://trilllizard420.tumblr.com/post/164374984198/unicornlordart-well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">trilllizard420</a>:</p> <blockquote> <p><a href="http://unicornlordart.tumblr.com/post/164374320304/well-somebodys-fucking-lying" class="tumblr_blog">unicornlordart</a>:</p> <blockquote><p>Well… Somebody’s fucking lying.</p></blockquote> <p>diversity in and of itself doesn’t kill comics, but pointless, endless reboots, massive events that rely on you keeping up with 12 given titles at any time, and constant, badly established legacy characters are why comics are failing</p> <p>not to mention splitting up iconic superhero titles among more than one person at once</p> <p>did you know there’s actually 3 people running around with the Wolverine codename at the moment?</p> <p>Let’s take some examples:</p> <p>Riri Williams popped up with no buildup after Tony Stark got murked, but he was apparently monitoring this 15 year old girl teen prodigy never mentioned before in his comics, entrusted with an AI based on his brain patterns and personality to mentor her.</p> <p>You know, as compared to however fucking many characters they could’ve given his legacy to.</p> <p>Also we’re supposed to believe someone as egotistical and self glorifying as Dr Doom would take on the identity of Iron Man?</p> <p>Please.</p> <p>It’s the same shit as Jane Foster as female Thor, with a healthy combination of plothole.</p> <p>Somehow, a human woman who has not been involved with Thor in way, with a terminal disease that was ravaging her body, somehow ended up ON THE MOON without any protection and managed to pick up Mjolnr and was found Worthy by it after the fight where Thor ceased to be Worthy.</p> <p>Like, you know, instead of Sif, a long time companion of Thor and who can pick up the hammer or Angela, who Marvel had then won a recent legal fight to be able to use….</p> <p>People don’t dislike it because it’s “diversity”</p> <p>They don’t like it because it’s weak, pandering writing that doesn’t stand up to internal logic.</p> <p>Now, an example of this done right is when Sam Wilson, aka, the Falcon, became Captain America</p> <p>for one thing, he was actually established as working closely with Steve Rogers for a long time in the comics before he was given the mantle. By Steve Rogers himself.</p> <p>See, at this point, Rogers got rapidly aged cause his super serum stopped working and he was an old man, so he couldn’t do it any more, but he was still around to give Sam advice and support over comms.</p> <p>But of course, until Marvel actually bothers to learn why people aren’t buying their shit, they’re gonna keep making the same mistakes, as long as they’re insulated by the losses of the MCU and being used by Disney as a vanity press, they’ll never learn and lose more ground to DC and the indies</p> <p>EDIT: Also I totally forgot, unrecognizable new brands they try to create.</p> <p>If your comic customers, as in the customers that go in and buy things, if they go “who’s this” and show you a comic, then they’re probably not gonna pick it up. They’re there to buy Spider-Man, Batman, Wolverine, X-Men, Avengers they can recognize, not fuckin Stardude or whatever odd new thing they’re gonna push is.</p> <p>It’s nothing to do with race of sex of the characters concerned, but if they’ve got no brand recognition to support their solo titles, they’re gonna flounder.</p> <p>Not even getting into the alienating, pointlessly political shite like that infamous Mockingbird “Ask Me About My Feminist Agenda” t-shirt schlock stunt.</p> <p>What’s also more damaging than that is a flippant response to criticism or calling their readership racist assholes on twitter or whatever. That’s a really bad look for an industry professional when you’re not even an artist or a writer as someone essential to a comic book.</p> </blockquote> <p>this person forgot to mention how they shoehorn in unnecessary commentary and subplots no one was looking for. it honestly feels like that sometimes spider man stops mid fight and says “did i mention im a gay POC” (hyperbole but kind of true)</p> </blockquote> <p>this, sadly, is Not Hyperbole with America Chavez</p> </blockquote> <p>And the worst thing is?</p> <p>With tweaking and good writing, Riri and America (what a stupid name) could work.</p> <p>But because Marvel is run by incompetent pandering idiots, they’re the worst ideas to ever come out of the company.</p> </blockquote> <p>I honestly wish Riri had been done well because I don’t mind the concept.</p>
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bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie: erinnightwalker: erinnightwalker: geostatonary: sixpenceee: “A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.” (Source) “HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.” “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“ I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia. One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless. For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura. When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch. I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats. What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.) The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words. The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel. Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music. Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.) After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss. “……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.” “No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!” “WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.” “What the hell does that mean?!!” “DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.” “……..” “THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.” Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this…. Since you asked nicely ^_^ Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job. After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.) Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it. Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.) He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound. “You….you alright there buddy?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Right. Um. Well.” Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form. When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window. Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges. “Nice night for it, huh?” “…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “ “Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.” “ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Anytime.” There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son. When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included). IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.) While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.) So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy. When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open. A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps. “GACK!” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?” “GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!” “I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Is he supposed to be…..skinless?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.” “…….laPDOG?!” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.” “……” “THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.” A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces. “NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?” “I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.” Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten. Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”) This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash OMIGOSH I’m in love. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.: bibliotecaria-d: ebonykain: karacat: othersideofforty: erinnightwalker: ripped-up-jeans-and-glitter: erinnightwalker: acaffeinejunkie: erinnightwalker: erinnightwalker: geostatonary: sixpenceee: “A house I pass on the way to work has this sculpture in its yard. Its about 8 feet tall.” (Source) “HELLO NEIGHBOR STEVE, I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE YOU TO BARBEQUE ON THE EVE OF THE BLOOD MOON.  I FEEL WE GOT OFF TO A BAD START.” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, DO YOU NOT WISH TO PARTAKE OF THE UNCLEAN FLESH-MEATS OF PIGS AND THE POLLUTED ESSENCES OF TOMATO?  PERHAPS YOU ARE A CAROLINA STYLE MAN, NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “PUT THE GUN AWAY NEIGHBOR STEVE, YOU KNOW I SHALL ONLY RISE AGAIN WITH THE DAWNING OF THE MOON.  WE HAVE BEEN THROUGH THIS MANY TIMES.” “LOOK AT THIS PICTURE MY SON DREW OF YOU AND CHILD TIMMY, YOUR SON.  ARE THEY NOT THE PICTURE OF PACT-MATES?  THIS COULD BE YOU AND ME, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “YOU MISSED THE UNHOLY NEXUS OF POWER THAT IS THE KEY TO MY CORPOREAL FORM, NEIGHBOR STEVE.  YOU WILL NEED TO RELOAD NOW, SO I WILL GO INSIDE TO MY HELL-WIFE AND PUT YOU DOWN AS A SOLID ‘MAYBE’.“ I have the feeling that the families get along great except for Steve. Like, the wives are baking (questionable) brownies together, the kids are playing together, Antler Guy occasionally takes Son and Timmy to school (no car, just carries them in huge swinging strides through a nexus of ungoldly sights in a swirling netherworld shortcut. Sometimes they stop for McDonalds). Hell-wife gave them a potted Audrey Jr., Steve’s wife (who I now christen Sharon) gave them a begonia. One time Steve tries throwing holy water but all Antler Guy does is thank him, saying that no, Antler Guy isn’t Catholic but it’s the thought that counts, he is so kind to water his creeping deathshade vines regardless. For Christmas Antler Guy gives Steve a case of ammunition. To be funny/sarcastically mean Steve gets Antler Guy the world’s most hideous Christmas sweater, singing light-up reindeer included. He immediately regrets it because not only does Antler Guy love it and wears it for several months, it will never need batteries because Antler Guy powers it with his own eldritch aura. When they come back from a holiday to Hawaii, Steve is horrified to find out Sharon bought them matching Hawaiian shirts. He is even more horrified that his wife means it that if he doesn’t wear it he will forever sleep on the couch. I want to expand on this, since I see it’s still passing around and the ideas have grown in my brainmeats. What drives Steve up the wall and down the other side is how… normal… everyone treats the Abominations. (Yes, that is their last name. No, it is not a joke. Son was asked his last name for the standardized testing at school, had a quick conference with Timmy, and decided that Son Abomination sounded good, “Since my dad calls your dad the Abomination anyway and we can paint it on your mailbox just like the Henderson’s did theirs!”. Antler Guy agreed and did a lovely rendition of it for the mailbox, with only a few glyphs of soul-rending terror added to keep up to snuff.) The Great Plant Exchange went beautifully, though the Audrey Jr. (named Aubergine for the lovely shade of purple poison that drips from her fangs) is on a diet at the moment. She was in cahoots with the cat and the dog to get into the good people food and ate two frozen turkeys all herself. Now she’s restricted to the hallway table to answer the phone and the door. (Steve actually likes her, and keeps slipping her hotdogs when Sharon isn’t looking. Their door-to-door salesman rates have dropped dramatically since she changed abodes.) Hell-wife has almost gotten the begonia to bloom and say it’s first words. The homeowner’s association just loves the Abominations. All paperwork stamped and dotted, in on time and in triplicate. Antler Guy likes filing, says it reminds him of his old job. There is a resident who spent 20 years as a lawyer and they have long, animated conversations about all sorts of things that make Steve swear to never need legal counsel. Hell-wife joined the PTA and spearheaded a committee to fundraise in the fall with a haunted house. It was a county-wide hit, though the claims that a particularly rowdy group had been deliberately lost in a timeslip to the Outer Doors Of Chaos was firmly rebuffed. Most young people nowadays, it was agreed, just couldn’t appreciate flute music. Antler Guy really does try to connect with Steve. The surprise birthday party was perhaps a bit much, given that most participants do not have the ability to suddenly materialize in front of the guest of honor to give them a hug. Sharon assured them that Steve normally screams on his birthday, and the remains of the cake were heartily enjoyed by all. (A plate was saved for Steve once he came down from the treehouse.) After the Hawaii trip (which was a present for his birthday) and the Matching Shirt Ultimatum (which was Sharon’s attempt at patching things up with Antler Guy, he really was sad about the birthday screaming), Steve finally grabs his courage in both hands (plus the shotgun, which let’s face it is about as useful as a teddybear at the moment but it does comfort him) and confronts Antler Guy, about why such a group of……Abominations could possibly come to his quiet slice of suburban bliss. “……BUT NEIGHBOR STEVE, WE HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE.” “No no no, I read it in a book! Don’t you have to be invited or something?!” “WELL YES, TO THE HUMAN WORLD. BUT THIS IS NOT THE HUMAN WORLD AS YOUR THREE-DIMENSIONAL BRAIN PERCEIVES IT.” “What the hell does that mean?!!” “DID YOU NOT KNOW, NEIGHBOR STEVE? LEGALLY SPEAKING, ALL OF THE VASTNESS OF HUMAN SUBURBIA IS, IN FACT, A PART OF HELL.” “……..” “THE FLAMINGOES ARE THE BOUNDARY MARKERS. IT WAS DECIDED THAT THE FLAMING SKULLS WERE TOO KITSCHY FOR MODERN TIMES.” Reblogging cause I kind of want more of this…. Since you asked nicely ^_^ Antler Guy, as one may have noticed, is a calm sort of fellow. In the face of human atrocities he displays a curious Zen sort of state of mind. Timmy asks Son if he’d ever seen his dad angry, and Son hasn’t. (When asked, Timmy says that yeah his dad gets mad, but it’s like the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua down the street- mostly high-pitched noise and occasionally TV remote chewing. Sharon replaces the poor thing every 3 months or so.) When pressed (gently, at the monthly book club, and with many cups of tea and at least one daiquiri), Hellwife admits that this comes from serving many years at his old job. After the revelation of the nature of his neighborhood, Steve has not been overtly mean to Antler Guy. Not yet in the realm of friends, but vastly better than before. No more holy water, no more shotgun blasts. (Still the occasional jumpscare, but Antler Guy really can’t help that part.) They even occasionally share news over the fence as Antler Guy trains the creeping deathshade vines in proper oral hygiene, and Steve waters his lawn (and occasionally slips a goldfish cracker to a deathshade vine that looks particularly adorable. Aubergine has trained him well.) Which is how Antler Guy learns about the peeping tom that’s been plaguing the adjacent streets. Apparently the pervert has been getting bolder, and rattling doors. He almost broke into one apartment, whose occupants were a single mother and her daughter, Mildred. Millie, a shy girl who is a great horror fan and firm friends with Timmy and Son, had missed school because of it. Steve knew because Sharon had told him, on her way to deliver a tuna casserole and a double batch of brownies to the pair. (Sharon has been dubbed the unoffical mob boss of the Mother’s Mafia. She is quite pleased with this title.) He tells her to wait, confers briefly with Aubergine, and sends her along with, “Only as a loan, you know, but Auby wants to stretch her roots and she’d probably like getting all ribboned and curled anyway. Little girls still do that, right?” She has strict orders to bite anyone that makes Millie or her mother cry. (Steve is dubbed the official neighborhood marshmallow for this. The bookclub buys him a jar of marshmallow fluff in commemoration.) He turns to look at Antler Guy, and freezes, much as a chihuahua will when faced with a hungry hellhound. “You….you alright there buddy?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Uh, yeah, I guess not. Did you, uh, know you’re kinda fuzzing at the edges, there?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Right. Um. Well.” Steven makes a very ungraceful exit when space starts bending around Antler Guy’s still, unmoving form. When Steve sees a shadowy form in his back yard when he gets up to pee that night, there’s no hesitation. He grabs the shotgun from the cabinet and peeks out the back door window. Just in time to see a nebulous form of soul-wrenching terror engulf the man reaching for the door handle. A sliver of moonlight reveals a very familiar eyesocket. After a moment (and a sincere prayer of thanks that he had already peed, cause otherwise he’d have done it then and there) Steve opens the door. The nebulous form freezes, reality bending around the edges. “Nice night for it, huh?” “…..Y̮̮͍͔͇͙͙̟̐͌͛̓̏͞͡Eͩͭͮ̓̍ͯ̀ͧ͏̵̴̛̺̠̱͕̕ͅS͈̹̮̟̳̪̩̘͍̤̲̻͈̱̳̽̋́ͩ̃͋̎ͩ̈͆̀͘͢͢͟ͅ.̧̢͈̭̝̥̦͚͍̇ͫ̃̓͆̿̇ͪ͊ͧ̃͛͌͜͢ “ “Guy won’t scare anymore litttle girls, will he?” “Ň̵̴̫̫̙͙̻̞͈̫̥̪̱͈͈̯̍̀̀͆ͫ̒̿̄͗͘͡͝ͅO̊͑̑͒̎͑̃ͬͭͮ̅̔̆̃̉ͯ̇͗̀҉̵̻̜̞͉̟͙͚̻̪̼̖̀͟ͅ.̵͈̣͈̙̣̜̻̭̩̝̠̞͗ͤͥ̓͗ͬ̓̄͊̓̅̐ͩͮͧͤ̽̐ “ “Good. G’night then. Oh, and if Hellwife has an extra Audrey Jr. that needs a home, let me know. Millie likes Aubergine a lot but Augy’s just too big for the apartment. Dunno if they come in miniatures though.” “ I̴̛̟̭͉̮̜̩̬̮̣̘̰͚̩͙̟̳͔̜̙͑̂̆̆͗͒̀ ͖̖̰͉̥͖͔̙̤̺͍̳͈̹͙̣̞̇̇ͤ͒̅̈́͆̽ͧ́̚̚̕͘W̶̶̱͈̞͖̼̟̣̮̌͂͒̈́͑͌͒͋̍ͮ͗̈ͣ̓ͤ͘͟I̴̶̞̥̩͇̔ͩͦ̇̉̾ͣͬ̀̀̒͒ͧ͛͌͛͆̚͘͢ͅͅL̠̟͕̠̟̪̰̻ͯ͂͊ͥ̍̏͋̐ͬ̉̆̈̀͠L̸̞̭͔̮ͦ͑̉ͮͩ́ͬͨͣ͘͜.̴͈͎̮͇͓͖̱̻̣͊͊ͤͩ͊̑͗͞ ̸̡̩̖̞̩̻̩̪̭͙̳͚͇̟̺͖̑͊ͫ̀͆ͨ̉̔̓̂̓̋T̷̷̟͉̟̻̻̪̞̰̯̻͈̣̰̬̻̾͐́ͭ̓̅́͡H͇̬̪̩̬̝̣͍͈͇ͯ͛̏͌ͮͧͭͦ͟͜A̴̴̤͕͈̤̮̞̱̯͔͕̙͔͖̰̬̰͈̠ͥ̏ͥ̍̽ͧ̀͝N͗̓͋̃̈̑̀̅ͣ̽̒̂̄ͯͩͤ͏̢͢͏͈̯͎̪͇̟̠͔̯͓͓̰̠̱̠̳͕̳͝K̢̓ͧ͛͛ͣ̄̓̓ͯ̍̈̈́̌͂̔͟҉̛̘̥̖̤̦̻̳͙͟ ̢̢̻̥̹̣̞͉̘͇͚͍̖̯̘͚͔̗̩͓͐ͮ͂͂̀̚͘͠Y̜̞͇̳̗̬͎̰̙̜̩̪͎̞̙̠̔͂̌̃́̀O͇̺̲͙͍̬̳̘͈̱̜̝͔̖̊ͥ̿ͫͤͫͫͩ͋̓̃ͦ̈̄͢͟Ū̢͖̲̦̠̤͎̙͉̦͖̖͓͍̺̺ͪͯ͐͆͆ͭͯ͗ͦ̄̅̌̈̃̾ͭ̋ͧ͢͢͠͡.̶̸̞͓̞̹̗̻̣͈͕̠̬̦ͫ̆ͤͬͨͦ͒͂ͨ̿ͩͪ͘͞.ͧ͛̒̂̂͗ͨ̌͆ͥͭ͒̉͘͜͏̙͖̰̝̙̲͓̙͕͍̥̳̩́͠.̶̷̮͎̱̼̬͖̰͎͚͙̥̓͋͋ͦ̓̓ͯ͆͛̏ͫ̅ͯ.̨̧̙̤̳̮̺̙͖̞͔̗͎͍̑̆ͮ͐ͩͦ̌̽̾̏͘͠.̹̖͕̮͕̞̰͍͚͖̌ͪ̃̐̐̌̌̅̉͑ͧͪͪͬ̓͐́͛̿͘͞ ….NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Anytime.” There are no more peeping reports. Millie brings back Aubergine and spends an entire afternoon teaching Steve the particulars of Augy’s new “hairstyle” (a gravity-defying mass of teased tendrils, ribbons, and barrettes) in between games of tag and hide-and-seek with Timmy and Son. When Antler Guy and Hellwife present her and her mother Beatrice with a tiny Audrey Jr. (”pOOr ThinG Is a ruNT And wOn’T geT MorE Than A FooT taLL, BEa, aNd NeeDS a New FRiEnD”, assures Hellwife), both mother and child burst out crying. Millie names it Bella, after Bella Lugosi, and shows it to the excited group of boys (Steve and Augy included). IT GOT SO MUCH BETTER!!!! Life in a subdivision partly populated with eldritch and possibly magical (officially classified as “extra-dimensional”, for even when faced with the physics-defying nature of their new co-habitating citizens the government cannot bring itself to acknowledge them as “magic wielding hell-beasts”, as some high-ranking staff members initially suggested) goes on fairly normally. Sure, there are a few hiccoughs. The creeping deathshade vines get a stern talking to about appropriate afternoon snacks (”NOT the Fitz-Simmon’s chihuahua, I don’t care how much he has it coming or what he excreted where, now spit it out!”), Aubergine sheds all her leaves at once and snowballs the house (but does helps sweep up afterwards), and moonrise is a good time to watch the night-gaunts fly by (but on moondark it’s best to stay inside, no matter how prettily they glow. They’re somewhat similar to fireflies, and don’t always check to see if their partner glows as well. It wouldn’t be as much of a problem if they didn’t dive mid-coitus and drop just above the ground.) While the neighborhood in general is accepting of the Abominations, when things get to be a bit much they tend to come to Steve. Since meeting Beatrice and Millie (and the formation of the Terrifying Triad known as Millie, Son, and Timmy) Steve is the adult human male most comfortable dealing with Antler Guy on the whole street. (Sharon as U.M.B. is widely held to have, well, steel-whatever-the-hell-she-wants, and Timmy is known to run over to Antler Guy and ask for rides through “that wobbly grey place, you know, the one with the REALLY BIG alligators?”. Still, the courtesies must be observed.) So when a writhing sparking ball of snarling terror and teeth takes up residence in the Manzo’s tool-shed, and when Animal Control refuses to come (the street is banned due to a run-in with the deathshade vines), Steve is called. Having heard the description, Steve brings Antler Guy. When they get there, Mr. Manzo is forcibly holding the door shut. Unholy yowling is coming from inside. At a gesture from Antler Guy, Mr. Manzo leaps away, and the doors blast open. A 150 pound ball of whimpering, flaming something hits Steve and knocks him on his ass. The whimpering, flaming something proceeds to slobber all over Steve, his shirt, his pants, and a decent portion of grass in between distressed yelps. “GACK!” “NEIGHBOR STEVE, ARE YOU IN DISTRESS?” “GAAACKLEARGHSPLUH- DOWN boy, HEEL, that’s a good- Antler Guy, what is this?!” “I BELIEVE IT IS A HELLHOUND, NEIGHBOR STEVE.” “Good grief, I didn’t know they came this big and…..and….. Guy?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Is he supposed to be…..skinless?” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE. THIS VARIETY WAS BRED TO BE LAP DOGS. THEIR FLAME IS MOSTLY WITHOUT HEAT, AND THEY HAVE NO SKIN FOR THOSE WHO ARE ALLERGIC.” “…….laPDOG?!” “YES NEIGHBOR STEVE.” Antler Guy lays a hand on the hellhound, who tries to burrow further into Steve with little success. “HE APPEARS TO HAVE BEEN RECENTLY WEANED. IT WILL TAKE TIME FOR HIM TO GROW TO HIS FULL SIZE.” “……” “THE SMALL BREEDS GROW MORE SLOWLY.” A vile hissing emanates from the shed. (Mr. Manzo has long since fled for the safety of his kitchen.) As Steve attempts to calm the frantic hell-puppy, Antler Guy investigates. He reaches one long hand in behind the riding lawnmower and….. winces. “NEIGHBOR STEVE?” “Yeah- I’m right here, uh, doggie, not going anywhere- Guy?” “I APPEAR TO HAVE AN…. ATTACHMENT.” Steve is awed at the tiny ball of white fluff attached to one long, thin finger. He didn’t know that Antler Guy’s fingers COULD be bitten, much less by a tiny kitten. Which is how Steve and Sharon got Clifford (”Aww c’mon Sharon, how could I pass that one up?”), and Antler Guy and Hellwife get Fluffy (”NEIGHBOR STEVE ASSURES ME IT IS A TRADITIONAL TITLE.”) This might be the most amazing thing that ever crossed my tumblr dash OMIGOSH I’m in love. I LOVE EVERY BIT OF THIS This is like the stoplight post. It is Tumblr legend, and I feel I must reblog it for those fortunate few who get to experience it for the first time.
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These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans: ifeelbetterer tumblr Follow hellotailor 1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center 2. He was as tall as a 6'3" tree 3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master 4. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30. 5. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. 6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up 7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. 8. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something 9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. 10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room- temperature Canadian beef 11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM 12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object. wollipyos Some of the worst analogies written by high school students I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT NUMBER 4 IS GREAT. bewbin These are genius ninjagirlmai I lost it at number 10 farorescourage "the worst analogies" are the ones you use to write comedy pieces with. They work like a charm if you do them right. beingfacetious #you say 'worst analogies i say 'heirs of douglas adams, Source papadevs 291.019 notes These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans

These analogies are like poetry if the poet had been sleepless for five days subsisting only on Red Bull and raw coffee beans

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