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5 Am, Being Alone, and America: This is how I like to wake my good girl. (πŸŽ₯: reddit u-din7) Look bruv some of y’all smart like y’all just gon be successful in life on the strength of being hella smart alone. But some of y’all ain’t smart. Actually y’all dumb (low key πŸ˜‚). But u wanna know some bruv? U CAN STILL ABSOLUTELY KILL IT IN LIFE. β€œSmash wayment. U saying even if I’m dumb I could kill it in corporate America? How Sway? πŸ€”β€ I’m absolutely saying that. I got clients that will take your breath away with they intellect - hell one CEO I work with is a biomedical engineer. He ain’t een have to stunt on em like that! He coulda had a lil state school MBA! Nah. He a PhD in a field that ain’t een applicable! He could be negotiating pricing on a multi million $ agreement and disagree with u and then then heck around and slice ya ear off then make u a substitute synthetic ear in a Petri dish and reattach it like β€œbam - no love lost - just wanted to biomedically engineer u right quick - this ear is bionic and will let u hear perfectly bless up.” But nah on the other end of the spectrum is executives who are just hella dumb. Couldn’t write an email without typos if they had a gun to they head. But u know what they are, bruv? Always and without fail? EARLY πŸ˜‚. Dumb people in corporate America early as HELL bruh. U know I love our armed services and got nothing but respect for them bruv but do u know why it’s so many former soldiers - marines - Air Force in corporate America bruv? Not bc they naturally smarter - they just early! If u at ya desk sending email at 7 am bruv u look authoritative. Sharp. U feel me? Dedicated. Hell I got one client she get to work at 6! And another one that get to work at 5. FIVE πŸ‘ A πŸ‘ M πŸ‘. Now look I’m not saying u HAVE to be at work at 7 am. I’m just saying if u DO, people will perceive u as a BOSS - even if u literally braindead. U feel me? Trick: I get up to pray early then go back schleep but before I do, I reply to emails from overnight. That way people like β€œwow he up at 5 am damn.” Nah. I’m up to email y’all a$$es before snoozing πŸ˜‚. But if y’all wanna assume then good 😊. Either get to work early or email early (like my dumb a$$) - may God bless all of u in ya careers. Bless up! πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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America, Bad, and Bless Up: Woke up to this. He isn't allowed on the bed so he kept his hind legs on the floor. Reddit u/AndThatsAllSheWrote @DrSmashlove Ladies and gentlemen I gotta speak on something right quick before this become a epidemic. We need to collectively hold hands as Americans and address this issue. In the airport security line today I done seen not one. Not two. Not een three. FOUR young tings wearing the following outfit: colorful Crocs or Birkenstocks. Colorful a$$ socks. Black tights. Big baggy a$$ t shirt. No makeup. Hair disheveled. Not like a bird’s nest bc that could be a look, nah. Like someone had cocked a shotgun and SHOT a bird’s nest - β€œSmash, who would SHOOT a bird’s nest?” - EXACTLY - who would have this hair style in a public place?! πŸ˜‚ Now u gon say, well it was probably early morning, what do u expect. NAH. TWO PM IN THE MF AFTERNOON πŸ˜‚. Now it wouldn’t had been bad but then u got these lil tings flying back to Latin America unpacking they carry on full of Reese’s, M+M’s, Pringles, XBOX controllers and other gifts for people back home. These ladies dressed like they going to a fancy dinner bruv! Same age group! Lil nice pair of loafers, slim jeans, lil sportcoat, lil Louis Bag. Dignified! U feel me? Like the rich kid in ya high school like how his sexy mama dressed lmao u feel me? Like that! Side note: how everyone in Peru and Panama got a Louis canvas that Louis canvas ISPURNSIVE! Not expensive but like 2 chain and yo Gotti say ISPURNSIVE LMAO! Now u gon say β€œWELL AMERICAN GIRLS ARE CASUAL SMASH WHAT DO U EXPECT THIS ISN’T SOUTH AMERICA U WANT A SOUTH AMERICAN WOMAN THEN GO TO SOUTH AMERICA OL ENRIQUE IGLESIAS LOOKIN A$$. RICKY MARTIN SHIRT UNBUTTONED TO YA BELLY BUTTON...LOOKIN A$$.” Chill. U ain’t have to lump me with Ricky Ricardo for making a observation. I’m just saying it’s ladies dressing like grow folk and it’s ladies dressing like they headed to a fifth grade slumber party IF U AIN’T IN FIFTH GRADE ANY MORE U AIN GOTTA DRESS LIKE A FIFTH GRADER. IT’S HIGHER GRADES NOW LOL. YOUR FOREIGN COUNTERPARTS ARE DRESSING LIKE THEY GETTING A MBA DEGREE I’M JUST LETTING U KNOW. GO HEAD ROAST ME NOW. I’M JUST SAYING BAN THIS CANCER OF AN OUTFIT BEFORE IT GET TRACTION BLESS UP πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Animals, Basketball, and Ex's: My boy Ferris turned 3 today. He still thinks he's as small as when he was a puppy Pic: reddit u/ZarZarBinks22 @DrSmashlove So the discussion about stealing-appropriating clothing from exes has begotten untold amount of humor and, as always, Smash is here for the fvckery - all of it πŸ€—πŸ˜‚: (1) Yesterday, one of my followers commented: β€œRight now on my teenage daughter's bed is a large teddy bear her old boyfriend gave her and it's wearing a fleece hoodie that her new boyfriend gave her. This poor bear didn't ask for this $h!t!!πŸ€£β€ WHEN BOTH YO MAMA AND YO STUFFED ANIMALS ARE JUDGING U BABY GIRL U NEED TO HIT THAT PAUSE BUTTON ON YO LIFE AND GET RIGHT WITH GOD, I CAN’T πŸ˜‚. (2) Sometimes I get messages from my lil homegirls that I have have to simply repost with no explanation because the legend speaks for itself (herself? Lol): β€œTo be honest I keep an old ex's basketball shorts at my place and lie and say they're mine...my overnight guests just want to believe they are the first homie to ever touch my precious flower so they believe it naively and wear them to sleep. I do wash them but still: LIT'RAL PECKER KISS.” Ladies...FOR EFF’S SAKE πŸ˜‚...Y’all heard of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants...Well if u sleep with my homegirl u are inducted to the Brotherhood of the Jizzy Nike Shorts 😩 ... Baptized in Babies ... Submerged in the Swimmers ... of all men who came before you ... literally β€˜came’ before u πŸ˜’πŸ”« ... I’m done bruv u ladies got savage in yo cot damn blood...this ain’t chu...who made u like dis... maybe u ladies are just doing u and *I’M* the one who need to meditate and talk to God ... in fact imma do that right quick y’all be safe πŸ˜©πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Memes, Dessert, and Dish: look i made dis @Drsmashlove Now see Bruh sex need a soundtrack. U gotta be careful tho because if u pick the wrong thing, u could ruin the mood. Like back in the day I was fooling around with this one girl and she wanna put on Dave Matthews Band. Dave motherfucking Matthews. While I'm tryina hit my lil deep stroke. This whiny motherfucker hit that growly, whispery, effeminate "crashhhhh...into me" and I lost it Bruh. Smash don't usually lose that Woody Harrelson but at that moment bruh Woody had left the building. Had to gently ask to turn the music off, hit the washroom, splash water on my face and realign my chakras right quick. Painful 😩. So with that said, avoid music. It might work for one of y'all but not the other. Rather, I recommend cooking shows. Chopped, to be exact. Builds a lil suspense. Intriguing. And best of all, the judges provide a lil humor: "WE CLEARLY SAID THE GHOST PEPPER HAD TO BE USED "IN" THE DISH. HE ROASTED IT. AND PUT IT ON THE SIDE. IT COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEONE." (Side note: I eat scotch bonnet pepper sauce from Trinidad directly on my food and it hasn't killed me yet. Thank you God πŸ˜πŸ˜‚). Anyway that show provides the perfect soundtrack for sex. (I speak from experience ☺️.) And the added benefit is that every time the contestant makes dessert, at least one of them use the ice cream machine, and these judges - every time - wanna be like: "OMG HE'S GOING FOR IT HE'S USING THE ICE CREAM MACHINE." And men - that right there is when u stop, stand up on that bed, look her right in the eyes and say: "AYE BABY - CONTESTANT 3 ISN'T THE ONLY ONE WHO'S GONNA USE THAT ICE CREAM MACHINE - NOW OPEN WIDE FOR DADDY" πŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ™ˆπŸ‘…πŸ‘…πŸ‘…πŸ¦πŸ¦πŸ¦πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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Bad Day, Bunnies, and Memes: INCASE UR HAVING A BAD DAY LOOK AT THIS DOG IT LOOKS LIKE A BUNNY @DrSmashlove ζ–―ε±± Ladies I swear y'all are partly ninja by nature, lemme explain. U crash with a girl for two days. U with her every second of the day. U tracking her every movement. Y'all in a cot damn remote cabin in the woods. The girl will not poop in front of u. Not in the room. Not anywhere else. Did she literally poop on some leaves in the forest? Who knows. She a ninja, and she move like one. She'll have u thinking she litchrally don't poop - like she eat solid food and it evaporate out of her skin particles. Bruh u could be on vacation with a girl in the Philippines, find some weed, smoke it, get busted, get thrown in a prison cell WITH your bae, and she ain't gon poop in that prison cell. She gon wait till u schleep, blow the prison guard in exchange for access to the officer's bathroom, poop there, and then come back and u wake up and u like "baby...it's been six days...it's ok...u can poop" and she just like "LOL no baby I'm good I don't have to go! β˜ΊοΈπŸ’•" Nah but lemme be clear. U get serious with this girl. Y'all get comfortable. Maybe y'all hit the two year point. U gon wake up in a hotel with her. Actually u ain't gon wake up. U still in the bed, schleep. But in your dream, nuclear apocalypse has happened. There is death everywhere. U come upon a ravine filled with dead, rotting bodies. U feel me? Like a whole sea of dead people, rotting corpses, transforming into zombies. It hit your nostrils. U get the inclination to vomit but u just dry heaving. U sweating. Panicking. Doing the running man in the bed like your legs tryina propel u forward. And then u realize. The world hasn't ended. That rotten mammal flesh odor burning your nostrils that set off all your fear sensors? That's bae. She just pooped in your vicinity (hotel room bathroom, to be exact.) And yo life never gon be the same. U little savages Bruh? U little 102 pound joints? Mandy the lil blond with a button nose and the bird tattoo behind the ear? Y'all the worst. Stop it - y'all the worst. Of ALL. One poopie from one of u small girls and I'm in cardiac arrest. Men lemme burst your bubble right quick: girls poop. Just like us. All I'm saying is when it happen, be prepared. Ya get me? BE PREPARED πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Ladies I swear y'all are partly ninja by nature, lemme explain. U crash with a girl for two days. U with her every second of the day. U trac...

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Be Like, Bless Up, and Fresh: what did we do to deserve dogs Drsmashlove Melanie Wang @MelanieWang2 when I'm sad my dog goes outside and tries to bring me things. today she brought me a pine Cone Ladies. If u with a man. Let's call him David. David look like he got potential. Nice personality. Nice disposition. Couple two three bucks in his bucket. Hair cut. Basically hygienic. Good teeth. Kind to waiters. U feel me? Not a psychopathic serial killer who look like he might get angry one day and feed u into a meat grinder. But he ain't hitting all your spots in bed? Work with David. Vocalize. "That's not my clit." "Baby could u clip your nails and file them next time before u insert them Edward scissors hands in my delicate vessel of life." "U can pull my hair but u not suppose to pull it out of the root so it look like I suffer from pattern baldness." U feel me? Vocalize. Sometimes u gon be with a Casanova who know all your spots. Guess what he know every girl's spots because he been with every girl πŸ™ƒ. He was with another girl this morning. He gon be with another girl right after u leave like literally he gon call his midnight girl who he don't even know her name he just got her in his phone as "Midnight Throatzilla the Demon Child." U feel me? Nah but David ain't Casanova. David is a regular dude who got potential to be your Mr. Right. All David need is a lil coaching. Imma keep it one hundred. When I was a fresh faced young man out here tryina get it I went out with a girl named Eden. Eden was a teacher so u already know she was absolutely a pinnacle freak. She once said (and I quote): "there is nothing better than being at a party and someone has Coke in the bathroom. I mean. That's like Christmas coming early" πŸŽ…πŸ”«. Anyway at the end of the first date I kiss her and I'm like "ha. I'm an amazing kisser. Let me do my lil thang right quick." Nah. Hell nah. She's just like "stop. Seriously stop. You're not kissing. You're eating my face. My face is not a piece of chicken. Kiss my lips. Kiss around my lips. Start gentle. Then go harder. Ok? Do it and I'll tell u how you did." She took it right back to her first grade class on me. Eden knew, bruh. She knew that every man ain't perfect but he could get damn close if he got potential. Be like Eden. Speak up. Mold him a lil bit. It will pay dividends. Ya get me! Bless up πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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