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Animals, Beautiful, and Crying: AN AVERAGE SATURDAY MORNING: WITH KIDS VS. WITHOUT KID WITH KIDS TIME WITHOUT KIDS Time to get up! Someone peed 6:00 You won't be getting up for 5 through his diaper and now your bed is covered in urine more You change a diaper and try to get the kid to sleep a little longer but now the he's yelling zoo animals and doing flips on the 6:30 You made some breakfast for your child, but today he decided he hates eggs. He's saying he wants "scrims" but you don't know what that means. He won't explain and just keeps yelling "scrims" louder and louder 7:00 Your pillow got a little warm so you turn it over and go back to You've now watched the same episode of Spongebob four times. One time you tried to change it over to the news and your kid shoved a spoon in the Tranquil visions dance in your 8:00 O0 head as the sweet embrace of slumber engulfs your resting body You attempt to take a shower but your kid keeps throwing can openers into the tub. You weren't aware that you hacd multiple can openers An angel comes down and gently kisses your forehead. Sleep well, sweet prince 8:30 You walk upstairs to your room, but didn't realize your kid was using the stairs as a stunt zone for Hot Wheels and you slip on one and nearly die as you tumble back down to the A hummingbird perches itself outside your window and sings a sweet lullaby. He blows you a kiss and soars away 9:00 You try to finally go to the bathroom, but forgot to lock the door so now your kid is crying because you won't let him dump sand in your lap. He dumps it on the dog instead. The sand was actually used cat litter You wake briefly to adjust your sleep number. (You bought an adjustable bed with all the disposable income you have from not having a kid.) 9:30 You hear laughter, which is almost more terrifying than crying. You walk in the living room to see your kid making 10:00 S Still sleeping soundly, like a puppy in front of a crackling snow angels in glue. There's no way you're getting your deposit back with a giant glue angel in the middle of the carpet Your kid doses off and you try to catch up on your favorite show You stir a little and check your texts. Your friend wants to go to brunch later. That sounds nice 30 more minutes of sleep and you'll get ready for that. Maybe go to mall later or ride go-karts Unfortunately, six minutes into it 10:30 there's a dramatic moment where the music builds and your kid is now wide-awake. (Screw You get everyone loaded into the car to go to the zoo, even though it's 90 degrees and so humid taxidermy is coming back to life. Your kid yells a racial slur he heard in a movie. Out of all the words he's heard, that's the only one that stuck. You wake up feeling refreshed and beautiful. You know what? It's Saturday. Let's just lie in the bed a while and watch a movie 11:00 srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

srsfunny:Saturdays With Kids Vs. Without Kids

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Boner, Brains, and Children: Myths About Men That Need To Be Eradicated 1. That we don't like cuddlin'. I will cuddle your brains out. I will cuddle you so good you will walk funny the next day 2. We're not all emotionally stunted, sex driven idiots who think that women are some enigma 3. Men are worse parents, and less nurturing, than women 4. Just because I need to be physically attracted to a girl I'd like to date doesn't imply I only like girls for their looks 5. That if we like kids, we're pedophiles. 6. "Men shouldn't cry." Screw you, I ain't made out of stone 7. That men cannot ever be victims of sexual assault. 8. That men cannot ever be the victims of domestic abuse by a female partner. 9. That men can't be affectionate, we just fake it for sex. 10. That we don't get harshly judged for our appearance, and specifically our height. 11. I'm not talking to you just because I want to bone you 12. That, as a man and father, I'm incapable of changing diapers, feeding and nurturing my children, taking my kids to the park, am generally clueless when it comes to making decisions about household matters, can't grocery shop, can't sew or cook, and generally have no clue what to do with my kids/house/money 13. Ladies, really, we have no idea what we did. Stop being mad and explain 14. Commercials make us look like bumbling idiots who can't dress ourselves. 15. When women say we ALL stereotype women, which is really them stereotyping men 16. That men think about sex every 7 seconds I/. All men like sports 18. That by being sexually attracted to you, we are somehow dehumanizing you, or objectifying you. This can happen, but it is not an automatic consequence of a man's sexuality 19. Having a boner doesn't always mean that we're excited, it can just happen for no goddamn reason and it doesn't make us more perverted than you girls! 20. That enjoying effeminate things and enjoying women are mutually exclusive srsfunny:Some Men Want To See The World Demystified
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