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Clock, Countdown, and Energy: buying peaches is so stressful because you have to consume them so quickly... it's like the moment the cashier types in that number the alpha peach turns to its brothers in the bags and says "alright listen up boys, it's time to remember your training. i want to see immense bruising by sundown. i want to see you near inedible by sunrise. remember it is better to die a free man than to be eaten." you gotta wolf down all of your peaches at the check out counter while the trader joe's employees eagerly look at the Peach Consumption Countdown Clock and cheer you on. these peaches have sensors on them that can tell when they come into contact with human hands so they can begin their self-destruct sequence like you're in a spy movie and the peach just relayed a message to you about the whereabouts of jimmy hoffa's decayed remains je-suis-hetalia Jimmy Hoffa is likely dead m4ge this response carries so much chaotic cursed energy. jimmy hoffa was declared dead in 1982 after disappearing in 1975. he was born in 1913, meaning he would be the miraculous age of 105 today if he wasn't dead. "likely dead." the fact that it's a hetalia blog trying to tell me that he is likely dead. the fact that i specifically mention his decayed corpse in my post so there is literally no reason for someone to alert me that he is "likely" deceased. the fact that this hetalia blog is trying to tell this to me, a person who up until recently literally worked for the international brotherhood of teamsters as a person in charge of handling their historical records. i spent two years of my life answering phone calls from people asking me if i personally knew what happened to jimmy hoffa's body. ive spent a significantly longer amount of time trying to forget that hetalia exists. my entire career as a hetalia faceboolk roleplayer at the age of 11 just flashed through my eyes. i legitimately cannot express how much this response has effected me. ive been staring at it for7 minutes. i feel like ive entered the twilight zone je-suis-hetalia I don't ever remember writing that when did I write that m4ge everything about this is cursed peaches

peaches

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Alive, Anaconda, and Ass: finnand fluke FOLLOW In honor of Fantastic Beasts, here are the signs as magical creatures! Aries: Graphorn. The finisher. Do not start a Libra DiricawL The anti-drama. Will violently fight with them, they will not take your shit for nope out of any situation they don't like a moment. Super hard to actually hurt their Good judge of danger, so if they leave feelings, but will totally fight you on principle, suddenly you should really follow. Just wants world peace anda nap You will not win Taurus: Erumpent. The detonator. Seems Scorpio: Nundu. The untameable. Impossible scarier than they are, really loves making new to control against their will, all you can do is hope that they decide they like you. Legends friends. Usually super chill, but if you piss are told of their ferocity and violence but they them off they will push exactly the right are, in fact, big fucking kittens. buttons to make you self destruct Gemini: Bowtruckle. The debater. Gets really Sagittarius: Billywig. The observer. Really attached to places and people, not so great wants to know everyone's business but does with paradigm shifts. Can talk people into and not want toget involved Always good for a out of ideas, 117% confused by physical laugh, loves making people happy. Most fights likely to pull really baffling pranks Cancer: Mooncalf. The space case. They are Capricom: Demiguise. The babysitter. the gentlest creatures you will ever meet, and keep your dumb ass alive while you sort out super shy unless with a group. Great love of your trainwreck of life. Sees all your mistakes coming a mile away, and either fixes plants. Low-key conspiracy nut, probably your life or elegantly side-steps all of it believes (or wants to believe) in aliens. Just wants pretty Aquarius: swooping Evil. The brutally loyal Leo: Niffler. The hoarder. Will fuck up your shit if you insult their things, why can't they have pretty things? Has friends, only backs down when their friends a hard time letting go of the past. Socially stop them. The one to call when you need to independent but still really cares what you forget your troubles think of them. Pisces: Murtlap. The trainer. Knows the Virgo: occamy. The adapter. Will invade your dangers of the world and wants to toughen life if you let them, but when boundaries are you up, sometimes goes about itin the wrong set they will be 100% respected. Has a hard way but somehow still ends up helping. 90% time denying their cravings (for food or zen beach hippie, 109 pissed badger. otherwise) •••••••• damn this weeks riverdale ep
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