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Anaconda, Ass, and Bad: 100%-12:12 did-you-kno did you know? On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There's an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn't need toilets because they 'simply relieved themselves where they stood and vanished the evidence. On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There's an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn't need toilets because they 'simply relieved themselves where they stood, and vanished the evidence. Source Source 2 i fucking hate jk rowling so much because years and years after this franchise has ended she is still continuing trying to make it bad to the point where she said that every character in harry potter canonically shits themselves and then casts a shit vanishing spell zahnegott fuck this is b a d mutant-aesthetic This reminds me of the huffepuff group masturbation tweets The what? Turtie Feinstein 09 dan JK Rowling Does Hogwarts have sex ed classes? J.K. Rowling rowing Follo MoaningTurtle Unfortunately no. Wizards tend to be a little more conservative with such things (1/3) 4、 다2,835 ★6222 J.K. Rowling Follo MoaningTurtie Of course, like all teens, they eventually figure things out and experiment with their sexuality (2/3) J.K. Rowling Folow MoaningTurtle For example, group masturbation sessions are exceedingly common in the Hogwarts dormitories, particularly Hufflepuff C3/3) 1,833 4,82 Just imagine you're taking a test for potions with Snape and the guy sitting next to you just fucking shits himself the nastiest slimiest shit of his life out of stress. And you literally have to sit there with a straight face while fuckin Todd Jinglelangles cleans himself up in the dead quiet room with some stupid ass line like "vanish me poopum" and you just gotta live with the knowledge that some kid just shit himself beside you duringa fucking test urulokid how do you delete someone elses post crylie I am in tears Joe what the fuck did you make me read This gotta be fake They literally have bathrooms in Hogwarts like theyre pretty important to the plot too did jk just forget about that? The bathroom where mystle lives (she literally dives into a toilet)? The prefects bathroom? How can she claim theres no bathrooms??? this post gave me mesothelioma and I feel entitled to compensation thebibliosphere lpot to "vanish me poopum" and lost my mind. I've been cry laughing for about five minutes. Source: didyouknowblog.com 205,228 notes fecesious disapperius
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Bones, Dumbledore, and Fucking: yehll need a lot more study betore yei gter at eve Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either ( says pewter on yer list), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope. fleamontpotter fleamontpotter: fleamontpotter: pansiparknson: fleamontpotter The boy has never had anything nice and the second he gets his hands on some money he tries to buy a fucking solid gold cauldron like started from the bottom now we here I love him so much Honestly Hagrid saved Harry from so much embarrassment. Can you imagine him turning up to his first potions lesson with a fucking solid gold cauldron??? Like Snape already hated Harry think about what he would have said if Harry just plonked that on his desk I think he would have said fuck it to his promise to dumbledore and murdered Harry on the spot at once. He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himself buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in AGAIN WITH THE SOLID GOLD POSSESSIONS HARRY. I'm surprised he never replaced his glasses with solid gold ones the boy clearly has a taste for the finer things in life. Or when he had his bones removed by Lockhart in second year, he probably had to stop himself from asking Pomfrey to just fill his arm up with gold instead of bones. NO WONDER HE CAN SEE THE FUCKIN SNITCH SO WELL HE'S ON THE HUNT FOR GOLD 25,088 notes Aurum Protestas Est
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Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: deadcatwithaflamethrower: hebic: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. @deadcatwithaflamethrower My only complaint is that Theodore Nott and Fred Weasely wouldn’t be in the same Potions class. *is pedantic* *reblogging because now you can bookmark it on AO3*
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Beautiful, Blessed, and Bones: rmh8402: pegasusdragontiger: kyraneko: balencia: kitrazzle: pissedoffweasley: wizardingheadcanon: kyraneko: elidyce: thatgirlonstage: fuckyeahdeathlyhallows: sirlestrange: #that is a human as a rat as a cup That was a long 12 years for Wormtail. Can you imagine how differently their lives would’ve gone if Ron, in trying to transfigure Scabbers, had actually transfigured him back into a human?Just take a moment to imagine McGonagall’s reaction if Peter Pettigrew had abruptly appeared in her classroom from Ronald Weasley’s rat.Take a moment. Or if Ron had fucked it up a little worse and couldn’t get ‘Scabbers’ back and McGonagall had take him to disenchant him and next thing we know there’s a naked Peter Pettigrew sitting on McGonagall’s desk and the kids in that class learn six new swear words, a hex they will never dare to use, and a fear of Minerva McGonagall’s wrath that will be with them until the day they die. Ten and twenty years later first years are being pulled aside and warned never mess around in Transfiguration seriously the last time a kid mucked something up in that class Professor McGonagall used two semi-legal hexes, took down a Death Eater and sabotaged the rise of the Dark Lord before Potter had time to get his wand out. What most of Hogwarts learned first on that otherwise-unexceptionable day was that Professor McGonagall could sure scream loud. Professor Flitwick’s Charms 5th-year Charms class was close enough to catch the full effect, and the door had been left open besides; en masse the students recoiled with shock and a miscast Hiccuping Charm broke one of the windows (out which the entire flock of ravens they were practicing on escaped to the Forbidden Forest where they only had to worry about centaurs, rather than annoying young humans with wands). Up in the Divination Tower, Sibyl Trelawny preened over her foresight to have warned her students of an unprecedented catastrophe likely to occur before the hour was out. Out in Greenhouse Five, a NEWT-level Herbology class looked up in puzzlement, and most of them were subsequently bitten by the Venomous Tentaculae they were attempting to propagate. It does not do to ignore a Venomous Tentacula when you’re prodding at its intimate parts with a cotton ball held in tweezers, so the class was cancelled while two-thirds of the students headed for the infirmary and the rest of them headed into the castle because if they stayed with the Venomous Tentaculae they’d be outnumbered, and nobody wants that. And down in the dungeons, Professor Snape turned away from comparing Lee Jordan’s Pepper-Up Potion to spoiled cream at what sounded like a woman screaming from the entrance hall. At the second scream, he ordered the class to remain where they were and behave, sweeping out of the room just in time to miss Theodore Nott suddenly jumping up and yelping as if someone had put a crocodile heart down the back of his robes. Fred Weasley stepped back from the unfortunate Slytherin, shared a smirk with his twin, and stuck his head out the door to make sure Snape had rounded the corner before leading the way out of the classroom. - Back in the Transfiguration classroom, about four minutes ago, it had started innocently enough. Ron Weasley, possessed of a broken wand and a lurking suspicion that most of the family’s magical talent had been soaked up by his siblings before he was around to get any, had attempted to turn his pet rat, Scabbers, into a teacup. Scabbers had not become a teacup. Scabbers, blast his useless furry little backside, had become a furry, vaguely teacup-shaped monstrosity out of which absolutely no one would have been tempted to drink, and to make matters worse, he still had a tail. It was moving. Harry was hiding a smile behind his hand. Dean and Seamus weren’t even trying to hide, elbowing each other and laughing. Parvati and Lavender were looking with disgust and horror at either Scabbers or him, and Hermione was opening her mouth, no doubt ready to tell him exactly what he’d done wrong. Which only made it worse that he really thought he’d done everything right this time. He snatched Scabbers off the desk (eww, the base of the cup had the same texture as rat feet) and turned away from Hermione. He made the wand movement again, picturing in his mind the way McGonagall had demonstrated it. “Erreverto.” “Erreverto. Erreverto. Erreverto.” It didn’t work. It didn’t work when Professor McGonagall stopped by and gave Hermione two points for Gryffindor for getting the spell perfect in both directions. It didn’t work when Harry made his successful transfiguration (Ron looked; the pattern was a little bit furry but it was definitely a teacup). Ron’s lips formed the shape of a word that would’ve made his mother box his ears had she heard it and attempted the reverse transfiguration, which didn’t work either. Finally, faced not only with the indignity of failure but the threat of Scabbers being stuck like that, he’d gone up to Professor McGonagall’s desk. “Um, Professor?” Professor McGonagall looked up from the paper she was grading and looked from him to the squirming teacup. “Problems, Mr. Weasley?” “Um, yeah, Professor. I can’t get it to work in either direction and it’s not fair to Scabbers to make him stay as a teacup just because I can’t do a spell right and can you maybe … ?” “I suppose so, Mr. Weasley,” she said, and waved her wand in the exact manner Ron had been doing all along. Nothing happened. Professor McGonagall looked very, very puzzled. “Now that’s odd,” she said softly. As one, the other students rose from their seats and quietly moved closer. She did not attempt the transfiguration in the other direction. Instead, she made a complex motion with her wand and murmured an incantation that possibly only Hermione recognized. The teacup squeaked. Professor McGonagall looked more puzzled than ever, and made a sweeping wand movement that ended with a sharp jab and uttered, “Arcanum finite!” And there was a loud bang, and there was a pale, pudgy, and very naked man sprawled out on her desk, and she jumped back hard enough to knock her chair into the wall and screamed. - Having taught a particularly rigorous course of magical study to children and teens for quite some time now, Minerva McGonagall had become accustomed to certain things. Students who didn’t listen. Students who did rude things to the mice when they thought she wasn’t looking. Students who accidentally turned a frog or a raven into a flock of starlings or a school of strange slimy South American fish (and tried to solve the immediate problem by filling the classroom with two feet of water, neglecting to consider the gap under the door). Students who tried to transfigure their noses into a more appealing shape and wound up in the hospital wing regrowing their nostrils. Naked men on her desk was something Minerva McGonagall had never had an occasion to get used to. What made it worse was that she recognized this one, and he’d been dead for more than a decade. Inferius! was her first thought, followed shortly thereafter by Animagus, which collided with Peter Pettigrew! and produced the utterly horrifying thought of what if all four of them were Animagi? which didn’t bear thinking about at all, so her brain jumped to if he wasn’t killed by a Dark Wizard then why didn’t he say so? and realized there was only one possible explanation why, and about that time her eyes registered that parts of Peter Pettigrew she really doesn’t want to know about were flopping about in front of her face, and she was screaming as she jumped back. The flow of invective which followed somehow failed to surprise her one bit. Some part of her registered, peripherally, the shocked faces of her students, but most of her attention was directed at Peter Pettigrew, who at very least faked his own death and at worst framed Sirius Black and if Black didn’t betray the Potters then who … did. And the words poured out of her, filthy English and filthier Latin while Pettigrew squirmed on the table, his face rage and guilt and fear and something shifty and contemptible, and he turned to look at the stunned students and lunged for Ron Weasley’s wand. - Severus Snape had reached the Entrance Hall by the time the scream died away and the invective replaced it. He almost smirked, amid the alarm; of all the things he’d never expected to hear from Minerva McGonagall … he took the stairs two at a time, still not noticing the students who followed. He did notice the Herbology class, which had stopped on the way to the Infirmary and were staring transfixed in the direction of the Transfiguration classroom, but pushed his way through them, getting Venomous Tentacula pollen all over his robes in the process. From the other end of the corridor came Professor Flitwick’s Charms class, with Professor Flitwick bringing up the rear and pushing his way between students. - Ron looked stunned as the man who’d been his pet rat snatched the wand from his hand; Professor McGonagal’s expression shifted to one beyond fury and when the entire class recoiled, it wasn’t from the naked man with the wand. “Laedo!“ Minerva McGonagall roared. - Ron Weasley’s wand cast a Splintering Curse many years beyond its rightful owner’s abilities, and it did Peter Pettigrew the poor favor of eliminating the door, which might have slowed him down a bit. - Severus Snape flailed and skidded to a halt as the Transfiguration classroom’s door shattered. He stepped back just in time, and stared, jaw dropped in shock, as a naked man he recognized from his school days flew past him and bellyflopped against the wall, bounced, and collapsed to the ground just in time to avoid the “Exitium!” which followed and vaporized an impresive chunk of the castle’s stone wall. Fred and George and Lee Jordan, determined to stay at the front of the crowd, had been pushed almost against Professor Snape by their fellow Potions classmates and some pollen-coated Hufflepuffs. Fred squirmed aside hastily as Professor McGonagall appeared in the doorway, the look on her face so utterly livid that Professors Snape and Flitwick both reflexively stepped back. Snape tripped over George’s foot and fell against a knot of Hufflepuffs, releasing another cloud of pollen and knocking them backwards. Pettigrew saw his opportunity and took it, scrambling to his feet, stumbling sideways, and launching himself towards the gap. And Minerva McGonagall made a thrust with her wand and said, “Perdo.” In the very loud silence which followed, Filius Flitwick squeaked, “The Splinching Charm, Minerva?” She might’ve looked embarrassed for a moment, and then she smiled as she looked down at Pettigrew, who lay on his belly, his arms and legs lying akimbo some distance away. “Unorthodox,” she said, “but useful in a pinch. If someone would inform the Headmaster, and send an owl to the Ministry—-not Fudge, not Crouch, someone competent—-Shacklebolt, perhaps. Students, return to your classrooms, please. Mr. Weasley, I’m very sorry, but I do believe it’s impossible to return you your rat. However, the zero I was going to have to give you for the day’s work is entirely undeserved, as you were not transfiguring a normal rat. You may make the lesson up any time this week.” - The story was, of course, much embellished by the time it reached all the students. Versions of it had the intruder peppering Snape with a Glitter Hex or transfiguring Ron’s rat into a pair of boxers, and people had to be disabused of the notion that it had been Voldemort who’d been hiding as a rat all this time. Snape gave both Weasley twins detention for tripping him, and took forty-seven points total from Gryffindor over the next few weeks for various pretend-subtle pollen references. Kingsley Shacklebolt showed up with a team of Aurors in time to meet Professor Dumbledore; the Wizengamot launched an investigation into the events surrounding the Potters’ murder; the results turned into a scandal which saw the release of Sirius Black and the forced resignation of both Director Bartemious Crouch and Minister Cornelius Fudge. Director of Magical Law Enforcement Amelia Bones was confirmed as Minister of Magic shortly thereafte, and the Daily Prophet reported that Sirius Black (“Godfather to the Boy-Who-Lived!” “Framed, Abandoned, Condemned to Living Hell!” “Heart-Wrenching: His Release In Pictures, Page 17!”) was considering applying for a teaching position at Hogwarts, “but just for a year, I’ve been cursed enough for one lifetime.” (“The Prophet reminds its readers that the so-called “curse” on a certain Hogwarts teaching position is almost certainly a mere string of coincidences.”) And, Minerva thought with relish some months later, it was almost three weeks before anyone attempted messing around in her class. A personal record. I’ve probably reblogged this before but I’m going to do it again right now I think this is literally the best au this entire fandom has produced I’ve only seen this legendary bit of writing in memes and screenshots. I feel so blessed to see it in person. Beautiful, simply beautiful! Reblogging my own post because a) it’s my damn horn and I’ll blow it if I want to, and b) I just (finally!) cross-posted this to Archive Of Our Own, so if anybody wants to go read it over there, here it is. YESSSSSSS!  Love it!!
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Ass, Bad, and Fucking: did you know? On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There's an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn't need toilets because they 'simply relieved themselves where they stood and vanished the evidence. PHOTO: WARNER BROS DIDYOUKNOWFACTS.COM jjayabrams: congalineofdurin: brookeawooka: unpicasso: mutant-aesthetic: liquored-up-rifleman: mutant-aesthetic: zahnegott: wroughtornot: did-you-kno: On the Pottermore website, J.K. Rowling explains how wizards poop. There’s an excerpt about the Chamber of Secrets that says wizards didn’t need toilets because they ‘simply relieved themselves where they stood, and vanished the evidence.’ Source Source 2 i fucking hate jk rowling so much because years and years after this franchise has ended she is still continuing trying to make it bad to the point where she said that every character in harry potter canonically shits themselves and then casts a shit vanishing spell  fuck this is b a d This reminds me of the hufflepuff group masturbation tweets The what? Just imagine you’re taking a test for potions with Snape and the guy sitting next to you just fucking shits himself the nastiest, slimiest shit of his life out of stress. And you literally have to sit there with a straight face while fuckin Todd JingleJangles cleans himself up in the dead quiet room with some stupid ass line like “vanish me poopum” and you just gotta live with the knowledge that some kid just shit himself beside you during a fucking test. Listen I work in an office with a honeycomb setup, which means I share a desk with THREE OTHER PEOPLE, and I thought I was so slick reading tumblr all secrety and I had to PUT MY HEAD DOWN so as not to fucking explode into laughter because of vanish me poopum I have TEARS in my eyes and I had to hide this from THE WHOLE VICINITY because I CANNOT explain that how do i unsee a post
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Ass, Crying, and Dumbledore: a harry potter au where potions is taught by gordon ramsay malfoycat neville: "messes up his potion gordon ramsay: "holds neville between two slices of bread what are you neville: an idiot sandwich no no no Imagine that this is Gordon Ramsay a la Masterchef Junior Neville: "messes up the potion, realizes it, starts crying quietly GR: What's going on? Neville: "explains how he messed up* GR: Oh gosh okay.. we can fix this, don't cry, see, it's fine now? Just be more careful when you're adding the Newt's eyes, all right? Drop them in gently. There we go. No more tears. Neville: "giggles wetly, wiping eyes mira-of sassgard Yes, he only screams when he's dealing with people that claim to know what they're doing and clearly dont, when he's teaching he's very kind and patient because they're still learning He'd probably do the bread thing to Malfoy nononononono. I get that Malfoy is a bit of a twat, but he's still a kid It'd be the teachers fucking up that he'd have trouble with Ramsay: All you had to do was treat it with a fucking Beozarl Slughom: It was a stressfu- Ramsay: How long have you been teaching potions?! Ramsay: So you're going to raise this boy SPECIFICALLY so he can die as part of your twisted little scheme? Dumbledore: It's for the greater good, professor Ramsay: The greater fucking good?! holds two slices of bread either side of dumbledoor's face What are you? Dumbledore: Am I, per chance, an idiot sandwich? Ramsay: Yes, you fucking are. Okay, nowl can reblog it My favorite Gordon Ramsey moment is from the latest season of Master Chef Jr Gordon had run in to help a group of struggling kids with a team challenge and one of the older kids, a 12 year old boy, wasn't passing attention while taking a pan out of the oven and not only spilled all the food but scalded Gordon It's clear Gordon's leg is in pain. He's been badly bumed without warning. But he doesn't scream. He doesn't yell, not even in pain, and he doesn't go off on the child who is now frozen in fear. He calmly tells the child to set the pan down and to close the oven, safety first. Then tells him to go restart the food he was making, calm instructions My husband and I grew up in abusive homes where any mistake meant parents getting angry (my husband is terrified of spills or broken glasses because that meant beatings growing up, for me, anything going wrong, that could upset my mother, even if it wasn't my fault meant screaming and emotional abuse) I didn't know someone could be so calm. That someone could not get angry, and put aside what they're feeling (in this case a lot of physical pain) and not take it out on those around them, even when someone around them had messed up, because child that person is a Gordon Ramsey is a survivor of child abuse himself and as an adult, the most non-abusive person ever when it comes to kids. im going to cry can gordon ramsey be my parent this sound so beautifu ohmytheon Please take a moment to picture Gordon Ramsay taking over Potions when Snape becomes the DADA professor (instead of Slughorn) and not only being horrified when he realizes how terrified the students are that he'll verbally abuse them when they mess up in Potions class but when he overhears how Snape treats students. Like can you IMAGINE the level of RAGE and CONTEMPT that Ramsay would harbor towards Snape? The asshat wouldn't have made it to the end of HBP. Ramsay would've hexed his ass to kingdom come. xtaticpearl Chef Ramsay would have become the kids' favourite teacher and you can't take that away from me Imagine him dealing with Umbridge Hogwarts Potions Professor Gordon Ramsay
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Af, Arthur, and Head: Today, 2 May 2017, marks the 19th anniversary of the Battle of Hogwarts,during which lves were lost and hearts were broken imeparably.Aho good teiumphed over evil and al was well and stulf But most importantly, the deaths And it's become kindol a tradtion in recent years for JK Rowing to apologise, on the anniversary of their death, foe killing off one af the charecters who died during the battle iJ.K Rowling Today I would just like to say: I'm really sorry about Fred. "Bows head in acceptance of your reasonable ire 8,955 54,970 Back in 2015, she apologised for kiling Fred Weasley And I thinkl can speak for all of us when I say: It'ssNnotOK№ Last year, she epologised for kiling Bernus Lupn Also not OK you're wondering 1JK. Rowling Arthur Ived, so Lupin had to de. Im sorry. Iddnt enjoy doing t The only sme my ecnor ever saw me cry was over the fate o Toddy. 37 PM-2May 2016 h 17 33,449 64210 And the tradtion lives on because JK.just tweeted an apology for another death Who could in be? I hear you ary OK, here it is. Please don't start flame wars over it, but this year ld ike to apologise for kiling whispers). Snape. "runs for cover 32,442 74,689 ALWAYS And, Ox some people love Snape and were sad when he died ka Pdont star fans wars over & butis year Td K rowing Why wouid you even bring that up? 18 PM-2May 201 ®İX.rowing m sti very sad about but hanks for the apolagy 31 PM 2 May 21 and miss him everyday But mostly people just think, in that case justice was served, And there are characters more deserving of apologies. ,e s Plse on' t wars over t.bur thi d Joanne Harris V Follow 2 May 2017 k rowing you realy ciantneed to apo ogise for that one t's 11 PM-2 Moy 2017 start fane wans emma lord k rowing I'd like to apolog e louder on your behaor one Lty Evara Potter 2PM-2 May 8017 Waits patiently until next year, wen someone more deserving cf an apology will be remembered.Whet do you think Is Snape deserving of an apology,or did he get what was coming to him o have Your nnother S J.K. Rowling Apologised For Killing Off Another Character This Year

J.K. Rowling Apologised For Killing Off Another Character This Year

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Bones, Dumbledore, and Fucking: yeh'll need a lot more study betore yeil gerter thatteve Hagrid wouldn't let Harry buy a solid gold cauldron, either ( says pewter on yer list), but they got a nice set of scales for weighing potion ingredients and a collapsible brass telescope fleamontpotter: fleamontpotter: fleamontpotter: pansiparknson fleamontpotter The boy has never had anything nice and the second he gets his hands on some money he tries to buy a fucking solid gold cauldron like started from the bottom now we here I love him so much Honestly Hagrid saved Harry from so much embarrassment. Can you imagine him turning up to his first potions lesson with a fucking solid gold cauldron??? Like Snape already hated Harry think about what he would have said if Harry just plonked that on his desk I think he would have said fuck it to his promise to dumbledore and murdered Harry on the spot at once. He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himsell buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in AGAIN WITH THE SOLID GOLD POSSESSIONS HARRY. I'm surprised he never replaced his glasses with solid gold ones the boy clearly has a taste for the finer things in life. Or when he had his bones removed by Lockhart in second year, he probably had to stop himself from asking Pomfrey to just fill his arm up with gold instead of bones. NO WONDER HE CAN SEE THE FUCKIN SNITCH SO WELL HE'S ON THE HUNT FOR GOLD 25,088 notes Harry Potter and the Quest for Gold
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Being Alone, Children, and Dumbledore: It was Tom Riddle. Not snake-like, pale, and red eyed. Human. He smiled, not menacingly, but£ warmly. Hello, Harry. Harry smiled as well. "Nice to see you again, In The Last Few Minutes Of Hisom. Life, Harry Potter Has One Last "is it nice? I was never much of a warm presence when I was among the living.I hurt many people. But most of all, I tried to hurt you. It's ironic that you were among the few who saw me as Tom Riddle, rather than Lord Voldemort." Talk With Tom Riddle. Harry Potter is sitting at home sixty years after the battle of Hogwarts, an old man now, when suddenly his scar hurts. Fear can drive you mad," said Harry. "I've seen it many times." Harry sat alone. The house that once housed Ginny and his children was near empty. Ginny had passed a year ago, and he had to admit it had taken something out of him. He had lost so many people, but this had struck him hard. Tom Riddle smiled again, somewhat sadly. Harry, we've got to go. Harry looked at him. There were tears in his eyes. He thought of his children. They all had families of their own, and they were supposed to be visiting soon. He sighed I'm scared." he said know." said another voice. No one knew he was sick. Ron knew, but he made him swear on his life not to tell anyone. He'd had a good life, and he wanted to go without a fuss. Enough close brushes with death had made him want to go quietly. Harry turned, It was Ginny, He gasped. Behind her stood every person he had ever loved and lost. Hagrid, and Dumbledore, and Dobby, and Lupin and Tonks and Snape and Cedric and Sirius and even the Dursleys. His parents stood next to Ginny, smiling He wanted some tea, but he felt too weak to get up. He took out his wand, then stopped. He held the old, etched wood in his hands, then lightly made sparks fly out of the tip. "We're with you, Harry." his mother said softly Harry turned to Riddle. Tom stuck out his hand. "Come, Harry." He smiled. He always loved how still, so many years later, magic still amazed him. Suddenly, his scar hurt. He wasn't alarmed by it, nor by the man who had appeared in the corner of the room. Harry laughed, tears in his eyes, his scar burning, as he grabbed Riddle's hand, and then left this world together with Death, as equals daily-harrypotter-world: Alternative/Extended epilogue to Deathly Hallows.

daily-harrypotter-world: Alternative/Extended epilogue to Deathly Hallows.

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Being Alone, Children, and Dumbledore: It was Tom Riddle. Not snake-like, pale, and red eyed. Human. He smiled, not menacingly, but£ warmly. Hello, Harry. Harry smiled as well. "Nice to see you again, In The Last Few Minutes Of Hisom. Life, Harry Potter Has One Last "is it nice? I was never much of a warm presence when I was among the living.I hurt many people. But most of all, I tried to hurt you. It's ironic that you were among the few who saw me as Tom Riddle, rather than Lord Voldemort." Talk With Tom Riddle. Harry Potter is sitting at home sixty years after the battle of Hogwarts, an old man now, when suddenly his scar hurts. Fear can drive you mad," said Harry. "I've seen it many times." Harry sat alone. The house that once housed Ginny and his children was near empty. Ginny had passed a year ago, and he had to admit it had taken something out of him. He had lost so many people, but this had struck him hard. Tom Riddle smiled again, somewhat sadly. Harry, we've got to go. Harry looked at him. There were tears in his eyes. He thought of his children. They all had families of their own, and they were supposed to be visiting soon. He sighed I'm scared." he said know." said another voice. No one knew he was sick. Ron knew, but he made him swear on his life not to tell anyone. He'd had a good life, and he wanted to go without a fuss. Enough close brushes with death had made him want to go quietly. Harry turned, It was Ginny, He gasped. Behind her stood every person he had ever loved and lost. Hagrid, and Dumbledore, and Dobby, and Lupin and Tonks and Snape and Cedric and Sirius and even the Dursleys. His parents stood next to Ginny, smiling He wanted some tea, but he felt too weak to get up. He took out his wand, then stopped. He held the old, etched wood in his hands, then lightly made sparks fly out of the tip. "We're with you, Harry." his mother said softly Harry turned to Riddle. Tom stuck out his hand. "Come, Harry." He smiled. He always loved how still, so many years later, magic still amazed him. Suddenly, his scar hurt. He wasn't alarmed by it, nor by the man who had appeared in the corner of the room. Harry laughed, tears in his eyes, his scar burning, as he grabbed Riddle's hand, and then left this world together with Death, as equals daily-harrypotter-world: Alternative/Extended epilogue to Deathly Hallows.

daily-harrypotter-world: Alternative/Extended epilogue to Deathly Hallows.

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