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The Virgin Prosecutor vs. THE CHAD DEFENSE: Hair has been firmly fastened to never react to sudden gusts of wind generated by strong arguments Hair is prematurely grey and overreacts to wind "The Virgin Prosecutor" THE CHAD DEFENSE Head craned forward, updating autopsy reports Has figured out how to convince up to 40 people to bring a parrot Head has a perfect angle for eating many all-American hamburgers Looks for "witnesses" to protect him to serve as a witness Sometimes thinks about children's shows to Avoids elevators, and huddles up in cases of oft-happening natural phenomena Has never heard a penalty in his life Registers every single emotion thanks to assistant mitigate lack of sociability Intentionally punches and slams the table to create courtroom drama Slouched back could be used as a ladder Too polite, gives too much room for extraterritorial rights Arms constantly pointing in confident unpredictable ways Has prosecutor's badge in his pocket and never shows it Receives confetti every time he wins Hands always prepared to grab the freshest evidence Wears attorney's badge proudly and presents it Struggles to find a good counter-argument at every opportunity Back is so well built that you could make a stepladder out of the spinal cord Only slams with one hand "Organizer" Defensive form is poised like the Goddess of Justice, perpetually in objectivo Arguing pace/form lacks fluidity because he struggles to put people into the chess dimension Wears a silly looking "cravat" Only assistant is a dumb dude in his 30s Only wears red coats Speaks in fake languages like Latin Has to share a leitmotif with someone else Can't even enter court in his own game Uses "logic and "reasoning Strong legs allowing him to cross burning bridges and kick doors open Rapidly moves past weak arguments like in " Objection! 2004 COURT RECORD Never gets confetti Wears visually-painful bright neon pink tie No one alive can frame his client and get away with it $3000 potted plant from a hot babe Teenage girls seem to appear around him like magic Does not read stupid shit in the autopsy report Has not only one leitmotif, but several Uses pure bluffing and makes things up on the fly Compulsively needs to accuse anyone who has committed a murder Teleporting stride that allows him to warp between investigation scenes Steps forward in the third dimension, forcing him to "walk" around the investigation scene The Virgin Prosecutor vs. THE CHAD DEFENSE