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Alive, Beard, and Children: feniczoroark: minority-cubed: princemetalthunder: skrill-cosby: drucila616: How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral…_________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. oh my god these are great fuck this is like reading a jokes and not actual quotes The last one is how I feel about all my schoolmates I can feel the frustration
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Dating, Fire, and Head: The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook DATING & SEX By David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, and Ben H. Winters HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE GAS 1 Limit your lactose intake during the date Many people suffer from an inability to digest milk sugar, or lactose. Colon bacteria ferment the milk sugar, forming a gas that creates a bloated feeling Keep your intake to less than half a cup at a sitting, and avoid dairy products before your date 2Eat a small meal. Eating a huge dinner on a date is a sure-fire way to precipitate gas 3Avoid gas-forming foods. Bacteria ferment the indigestible carbohydrates in beans, broccoli, cabbage, and other vegetables and fruits into gases 4 Drink peppermint tea. Replace an after-dinner drink with a cup or two of peppermint tea. This herb may give you some relief from the gas discomfort that follows a meal. 5 Emit the gas in private. As a last resort, head to the bathroom. If you feel bloated but are unable to pass gas easily, you can facili- tate the emission of gas as follows Kneel on the floor, bend forward, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks bigh in the air, forming a tri- angle with your upper body and the floor Place paper towels on the floor. Kneel on the towels, bend forward to the floor, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks high in the air, form- ing a triangle with your upper body and the floor. This position will force out the unwanted gas and relieve the pressure. novelty-gift-ideas: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating Sex
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Dating, Fire, and Head: The COMPLETE WORST-CASE SCENARIO Survival Handbook DATING & SEX By David Borgenicht, Joshua Piven, and Ben H. Winters HOW TO SURVIVE IF YOU HAVE EXCESSIVE GAS 1 Limit your lactose intake during the date Many people suffer from an inability to digest milk sugar, or lactose. Colon bacteria ferment the milk sugar, forming a gas that creates a bloated feeling Keep your intake to less than half a cup at a sitting, and avoid dairy products before your date 2Eat a small meal. Eating a huge dinner on a date is a sure-fire way to precipitate gas 3Avoid gas-forming foods. Bacteria ferment the indigestible carbohydrates in beans, broccoli, cabbage, and other vegetables and fruits into gases 4 Drink peppermint tea. Replace an after-dinner drink with a cup or two of peppermint tea. This herb may give you some relief from the gas discomfort that follows a meal. 5 Emit the gas in private. As a last resort, head to the bathroom. If you feel bloated but are unable to pass gas easily, you can facili- tate the emission of gas as follows Kneel on the floor, bend forward, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks bigh in the air, forming a tri- angle with your upper body and the floor Place paper towels on the floor. Kneel on the towels, bend forward to the floor, and stretch your arms out in front of you. Keep your buttocks high in the air, form- ing a triangle with your upper body and the floor. This position will force out the unwanted gas and relieve the pressure. novelty-gift-ideas: The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Dating Sex
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Africa, Bilbo, and Empire: GUIDE TO FIGURING OUT THE AGE OF AN UNDATED WORLD MAP (ASSUMING ITS COMPLETE, LABELEDIN ENGUSH, AND DETAILED ENOUGH) DO ANY OF THESE EXIST? INDEPENDENT CANADA US TERRITORY OF ALASKA TOKYO ISTANBUL OR CONSTANTINOPLE? DOES THE SOVIET UNION EXIST? THE HOLY ROTIAN EMPIRE? NO 5 MOST OF EST AFRICA A GIANT FRENCH BLOB? SAUDI 805 OR EARUER THE MODERN IDEAOF A COMPLETE POLITICAL MAP OF THE WORLD GaSHARD ToAPPLY DDES THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE EXIST? ZAIRE? OR HONG KONG (UK) 922-1932 UNION? SOUTH AFRICA? NO HOW MANY VIEINAM5 ARE THERE? TWO ONE SAINTNORTH KOREA? SERBIA/MONTENEGRO ARE. IS JAN MAYEN PART OF THE KINGDOM OF NORWAY? THE UNITED RHODESIA?ALBANIA? HOU SURE ARE YOU THAT THIS MAP lSİN ENGLISH? EAST TİMOR? | | HOW MANY SUDANS THAT ONE UP ARE THERE? CAN YOU SEE THE FAMIUAR CONTİNENTS? / 972-75 าร19-23 1924-29 997-2001 2002-06 910-12 1913-18 | HOW MANY GERMANS ARE THERE? ) | 011BODA? THIS S00NDS LIKE A PHYSICAL MAP OR ONE ONE, BUT ITS HUGE OR TUO 46-47 DANGER EXCLUSION ZONE-AVOID? PARTOFSLEDENF) I SATELLIEPHOTO FLORIDA IS PARTOF. YES, THATS IT 2012-13 RER SRON PERSIA OR IRANEA PARTOF 18%-1905 1906-09 OR 952-53 DOES THE UARNING 930-3435-40 JMMY CARTER IS... BENGATTACKED BYA T FNE VENEZUELA S BOLIMA CHAD MISSING? MENTION THE SPIDERS? THE UNITED 2022 2023 ORUATER CAIR PARAVEL?CAD . ARABR APRIL 20, 1979 1806-10 181-17 884-95 818-29 1830-33 954-57 1958-60 THE SINAI 5 PART OF WHAT COUNTRY? ISRAELIMOSTLY ISRAEL MOSTLY EGYPTEGYPT 976-79 IS THE ARAL BUDA AND PESTSEA MISSING? 970s-90s 2000st MORDOR? I5 THE AREA SOUTH OF LAKE VICTORIAn 198 DOES RUSSIA BORDER THE SEA OF JAPAN? OR BUDAPEST? 961-61 1965-7 WHATS THE CAPITAL OF MICRONESIA? 858-67 873-83 BELERIAND?NÚMENOR? IS THE WORLD ON THE BACK OFATURTLE? THE TOUWN ON I-25 BETUEEN ALBUQUERQUE AND EL PASO IS THE U5s SOUTHERN BORDER LOOKS... LATE FIRST VOLTA OR BURKINA FASO? 948-49 AGE 851-56 CALORMEN? ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A MAP? 982-84 HOW FAR EAST DO THE AMERICAN PRAIRIES REACH? INDIANA THE MISSISSIPPI NEBRASKAWHAT PRAIRIES? THE FOREST EASTOF THE MISIY MOUNTAINS IS IS IT TRYING TO BITE YOU? | (NUMBEROF YEMENS)+(NUMBER OFGERMANYS 1989-EARLY 1990 MID-10 LATE1190-1m IF YOU LET IT GO WHAT DOES IT D0? MRKLJOOD1 THE WOOD OF BEFORE 1830 1830s Os EARLY THRD AGE FOURTH AGE DID YOU MAKE IS THERE A BIG THIRD AGE RECURSIVE LAKE IN THE MIDDLE OFI5 THERE A BIG LAKE IN SOUTHERN CAUFORNIA?THE MIDDLE OFGHANA? CREATED ON PURPOSE IS IT LARGER THAN A BREADBOX? RUNS AJPY AROUND THE RDOM ONE OF THE ITS VERY NICE. TREADER LATER BODOKS ATE 8605-1700s 910s 205-505 60s-70s what-even-is-thiss: galaxybrownies: lastoneout: ceiye: jelloapocalypse: chavisory: mapsrgreat: wildcardarcana: littlethingwithfeathers: cannibalcuisine: dare-to-dm: pyrrhiccomedy: mapsontheweb: Guide to Figuring out the Age of an Undated World Map. No but take the time to actually read it because I lost like 15 minutes. I have a friend who is really good at this type of thing.  He once found an old globe at a garage sale and he was able to pin the date of it’s making down to like a 6 month window, because it only would’ve been correct during a specific point in WWII.   I was mad impressed, because I have no mind for geography.  I can barely remember my own state’s capitol. THIS IS GOLD 😂😂😂 This is amazing. Take the time to actually read it. Holy shit the super specific things towards the end Oh wow! I didn’t know anything about the giant lake in California being created by accident?! I love how it differentiates the maps of Narnia based on which book you’re looking at I almost scrolled past this Hello?
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Africa, Bilbo, and Empire: GUIDE TO FIGURING OUT THE AGE OF AN UNDATED WORLD MAP (ASSUMING ITS COMPLETE, LABELEDIN ENGUSH, AND DETAILED ENOUGH) DO ANY OF THESE EXIST? INDEPENDENT CANADA US TERRITORY OF ALASKA TOKYO ISTANBUL OR CONSTANTINOPLE? DOES THE SOVIET UNION EXIST? THE HOLY ROTIAN EMPIRE? NO 5 MOST OF EST AFRICA A GIANT FRENCH BLOB? SAUDI 805 OR EARUER THE MODERN IDEAOF A COMPLETE POLITICAL MAP OF THE WORLD GaSHARD ToAPPLY DDES THE OTTOMAN EMPIRE EXIST? ZAIRE? OR HONG KONG (UK) 922-1932 UNION? SOUTH AFRICA? NO HOW MANY VIEINAM5 ARE THERE? TWO ONE SAINTNORTH KOREA? SERBIA/MONTENEGRO ARE. IS JAN MAYEN PART OF THE KINGDOM OF NORWAY? THE UNITED RHODESIA?ALBANIA? HOU SURE ARE YOU THAT THIS MAP lSİN ENGLISH? EAST TİMOR? | | HOW MANY SUDANS THAT ONE UP ARE THERE? CAN YOU SEE THE FAMIUAR CONTİNENTS? / 972-75 าร19-23 1924-29 997-2001 2002-06 910-12 1913-18 | HOW MANY GERMANS ARE THERE? ) | 011BODA? THIS S00NDS LIKE A PHYSICAL MAP OR ONE ONE, BUT ITS HUGE OR TUO 46-47 DANGER EXCLUSION ZONE-AVOID? PARTOFSLEDENF) I SATELLIEPHOTO FLORIDA IS PARTOF. YES, THATS IT 2012-13 RER SRON PERSIA OR IRANEA PARTOF 18%-1905 1906-09 OR 952-53 DOES THE UARNING 930-3435-40 JMMY CARTER IS... BENGATTACKED BYA T FNE VENEZUELA S BOLIMA CHAD MISSING? MENTION THE SPIDERS? THE UNITED 2022 2023 ORUATER CAIR PARAVEL?CAD . ARABR APRIL 20, 1979 1806-10 181-17 884-95 818-29 1830-33 954-57 1958-60 THE SINAI 5 PART OF WHAT COUNTRY? ISRAELIMOSTLY ISRAEL MOSTLY EGYPTEGYPT 976-79 IS THE ARAL BUDA AND PESTSEA MISSING? 970s-90s 2000st MORDOR? I5 THE AREA SOUTH OF LAKE VICTORIAn 198 DOES RUSSIA BORDER THE SEA OF JAPAN? OR BUDAPEST? 961-61 1965-7 WHATS THE CAPITAL OF MICRONESIA? 858-67 873-83 BELERIAND?NÚMENOR? IS THE WORLD ON THE BACK OFATURTLE? THE TOUWN ON I-25 BETUEEN ALBUQUERQUE AND EL PASO IS THE U5s SOUTHERN BORDER LOOKS... LATE FIRST VOLTA OR BURKINA FASO? 948-49 AGE 851-56 CALORMEN? ARE YOU SURE THIS IS A MAP? 982-84 HOW FAR EAST DO THE AMERICAN PRAIRIES REACH? INDIANA THE MISSISSIPPI NEBRASKAWHAT PRAIRIES? THE FOREST EASTOF THE MISIY MOUNTAINS IS IS IT TRYING TO BITE YOU? | (NUMBEROF YEMENS)+(NUMBER OFGERMANYS 1989-EARLY 1990 MID-10 LATE1190-1m IF YOU LET IT GO WHAT DOES IT D0? MRKLJOOD1 THE WOOD OF BEFORE 1830 1830s Os EARLY THRD AGE FOURTH AGE DID YOU MAKE IS THERE A BIG THIRD AGE RECURSIVE LAKE IN THE MIDDLE OFI5 THERE A BIG LAKE IN SOUTHERN CAUFORNIA?THE MIDDLE OFGHANA? CREATED ON PURPOSE IS IT LARGER THAN A BREADBOX? RUNS AJPY AROUND THE RDOM ONE OF THE ITS VERY NICE. TREADER LATER BODOKS ATE 8605-1700s 910s 205-505 60s-70s what-even-is-thiss: galaxybrownies: lastoneout: ceiye: jelloapocalypse: chavisory: mapsrgreat: wildcardarcana: littlethingwithfeathers: cannibalcuisine: dare-to-dm: pyrrhiccomedy: mapsontheweb: Guide to Figuring out the Age of an Undated World Map. No but take the time to actually read it because I lost like 15 minutes. I have a friend who is really good at this type of thing.  He once found an old globe at a garage sale and he was able to pin the date of it’s making down to like a 6 month window, because it only would’ve been correct during a specific point in WWII.   I was mad impressed, because I have no mind for geography.  I can barely remember my own state’s capitol. THIS IS GOLD 😂😂😂 This is amazing. Take the time to actually read it. Holy shit the super specific things towards the end Oh wow! I didn’t know anything about the giant lake in California being created by accident?! I love how it differentiates the maps of Narnia based on which book you’re looking at I almost scrolled past this Hello?
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Crying, Dad, and Fall: Big Body Benz @ ItsMissBre So I love Valentine's Day for other reasons My daddy (well step-dad, but daddy in my heart) Him and my mom's first Valentine's Day, she could not find a sitter. He wanted to do something really nice for her because she always had us (LOL). He planned this extravagant dinner 4:18 AM 12 Feb 19 Twitter Web Client 5,501 Retweets 19.4K Likes Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d at a fancy restaurant, gave her money for an outfit, got her hair done, etc... all for her sitter to fall though. So at the time, I was like 8, my sister and brother were 7 and 5. My mom was so bummed. I remember her crying and saying he should date someone who is able 220 1,555 Big Body Benz ltsMissBre 1d go places and do things, and maybe not Someone with three kids. He didn't even flinch. He made paper invitations for us (the kids) and told us we were invited to a fancy dinner party. He told us to put on our best outfits and he would call us when it was time to come downstairs 2 221 1,937 Big Body Benz a ItsMissBre 1d So, he asked my mom to still get dressed for the date. He went out, got takeout from the nice place for all of us and we had a Valentine's Date all together at the dining room table. I will never forget that. I felt so special. We all got flowers and cards, my brother got th 254 3,417 Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d a toy car LOL. When we came down the stairs, he introduced us and said something about our outfits like it was a fashion show Man. That shit stuck with me for years.I loved it. I felt so loved and I know my mom did too 32 7 3,952 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d I'm glad y'all enjoyed that! I have a podcast where I y'all about motherhood from the black perspective @MamaMeetsPod check it out! tl 1011,320 4 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d Also, 20+ years later, here is my daddy with my son that I named after hinm 101ロ321 8,774 Heart-warming Valentine’s story
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Crying, Dad, and Dank: Big Body Benz @ItsMissBre So I love Valentine's Day for other reasons My daddy (well step-dad, but daddy in my heart) Him and my mom's first Valentine's Day, she could not find a sitter. He wanted to do something really nice for her because she always had us (LOL). He planned this extravagant dinner 4:18 AM 12 Feb 19 Twitter Web Client 5,501 Retweets 19.4K Likes Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d at a fancy restaurant, gave her money for an outfit, got her hair done, etc... all for her sitter to fall though. So at the time, I was like 8, my sister and brother were 7 and 5. My mom was so bummed. I remember her crying and saying he should date someone who is able t 220 1,555 Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d go places and do things, and maybe not Someone with three kids. He didn't even flinch. He made paper invitations for us (the kids) and told us we were invited to a fancy dinner party. He told us to put on our best outfits and he would call us when it was time to come downstairs 2 t 221 1,937 Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d So, he asked my mom to still get dressed for the date. He went out, got takeout from the nice place for all of us and we had a Valentine's Date all together at the dining room table. I will never forget that. I felt so special. We all got flowers and cards, my brother got t 254 3,417 Big Body Benz@_ItsMissBre 1d a toy car LOL. When we came down the stairs, he introduced us and said something about our outfits like it was a fashion show Man. That shit stuck with me for years. I loved it. I felt so loved and I know my mom did too t 247 3,952 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d I'm glad y'all enjoyed that! I have a podcast where I y'all about motherhood from the black perspective @MamaMeetsPod check it out! 4 ta 101 1 1,320 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d Also, 20+ years later, here is my daddy with my son that I named after hinm 9101 321 8,774 MFW I realize Im really not a King: 😟 by xero_art MORE MEMES
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Crying, Dad, and Fall: Big Body Benz @ItsMissBre So I love Valentine's Day for other reasons My daddy (well step-dad, but daddy in my heart) Him and my mom's first Valentine's Day, she could not find a sitter. He wanted to do something really nice for her because she always had us (LOL). He planned this extravagant dinner 4:18 AM 12 Feb 19 Twitter Web Client 5,501 Retweets 19.4K Likes Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d at a fancy restaurant, gave her money for an outfit, got her hair done, etc... all for her sitter to fall though. So at the time, I was like 8, my sister and brother were 7 and 5. My mom was so bummed. I remember her crying and saying he should date someone who is able t 220 1,555 Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d go places and do things, and maybe not Someone with three kids. He didn't even flinch. He made paper invitations for us (the kids) and told us we were invited to a fancy dinner party. He told us to put on our best outfits and he would call us when it was time to come downstairs 2 t 221 1,937 Big Body Benz ItsMissBre 1d So, he asked my mom to still get dressed for the date. He went out, got takeout from the nice place for all of us and we had a Valentine's Date all together at the dining room table. I will never forget that. I felt so special. We all got flowers and cards, my brother got t 254 3,417 Big Body Benz@_ItsMissBre 1d a toy car LOL. When we came down the stairs, he introduced us and said something about our outfits like it was a fashion show Man. That shit stuck with me for years. I loved it. I felt so loved and I know my mom did too t 247 3,952 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d I'm glad y'all enjoyed that! I have a podcast where I y'all about motherhood from the black perspective @MamaMeetsPod check it out! 4 ta 101 1 1,320 Big Body Benz_ItsMissBre 1d Also, 20+ years later, here is my daddy with my son that I named after hinm 9101 321 8,774 MFW I realize Im really not a King: 😟
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Target, Tumblr, and Winter: SS WARRIMOO EQUATOR INTERNATIONAL DATE LINE rhube: rockyp77: GREAT SEA STORY The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on its way from Vancouver to Australia. The navigator had just finished working out a star fix and brought Captain John DS. Phillips, the result. The Warrimoo’s position was LAT 0º 31’ N and LONG 179 30’ W. The date was 31 December 1899. “Know what this means?” First Mate Payton broke in, “We’re only a few miles from the intersection of the Equator and the International Date Line”. Captain Phillips was prankish enough to take full advantage of the opportunity for achieving the navigational freak of a lifetime. He called his navigators to the bridge to check double check the ship’s position. He changed course slightly so as to bear directly on his mark. Then he adjusted the engine speed. The calm weather clear night worked in his favor. At mid-night the SS Warrimoo lay on the Equator at exactly the point where it crossed the International Date Line! The consequences of this bizarre position were many: The forward part (bow) of the ship was in the Southern Hemisphere in the middle of summer.  The rear (stern) was in the Northern Hemisphere in the middle of winter.  The date in the aft part of the ship was 31 December 1899. In the bow (forward) part it was 1 January 1900. This ship was therefore not only in: Two different days, Two different months, Two different years, Two different seasons But in two different centuries - all at the same time! What an absolute ledge.

rhube: rockyp77: GREAT SEA STORY The passenger steamer SS Warrimoo was quietly knifing its way through the waters of the mid-Pacific on ...

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