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ups-dogs: The Bandanna of Betrayal.The Shawl of Shame.The Horrible Hankie of Hunger.The Do-Rag of Dietary Deprivation and Despair.Upon my arrival at the Patricia Green Winery in Newberg Oregon, I was confronted with a horrific sight that left me with an awful and impossible dilemma; I could either respect the cruel and inexplicable demands of the customer by denying biscuits to their dog Maggie, or I could break their rules and yield to the almost hypnotic, yearning gaze of her pleading eyes as she beseeched me to proffer her daily treats.I considered my options carefully as I looked around to see if anyone was watching. Their wishes were clear, but what harm could *one* biscuit possibly do? What kind of barbaric monster would force their sweet dog to wear a sign around her neck prohibiting treats? How could I possibly be expected to withhold her daily Milk Bone? What had she done to deserve such barbaric treatment? And how many biscuits could I sneak to her without getting busted?Fortunately, my questions were soon answered by the arrival of her owner who graciously explained the reason for this seemingly abusive act. It turns out that the vineyard had been hosting their annual fall wine tasting all week long, and was providing the guests with salami, prosciutto, breads, and various types of gourmet cheeses to be paired with the wines. And in her role as official tasting room mascot, Maggie was allowed to circulate freely amongst the guests, who of course were rendered as powerless as I by her beseeching gaze. The result of their copious offerings of such rich meats and sharp cheeses upon her digestive system are best left to the imagination, and her humans were left with no alternative but to take drastic action in order to prevent Miss Maggie the Manipulative and Malodorous Moocher from rendering the tasting room uninhabitable.Fortunately for her, however, the feeding ban did NOT apply to ordinary dog biscuits, thus leaving me free to be the hero and ease her pangs of hunger on what turned out to be Quadruple Biscuit Friday. All was right with the world once again!By Scott Hodges.: ups-dogs: The Bandanna of Betrayal.The Shawl of Shame.The Horrible Hankie of Hunger.The Do-Rag of Dietary Deprivation and Despair.Upon my arrival at the Patricia Green Winery in Newberg Oregon, I was confronted with a horrific sight that left me with an awful and impossible dilemma; I could either respect the cruel and inexplicable demands of the customer by denying biscuits to their dog Maggie, or I could break their rules and yield to the almost hypnotic, yearning gaze of her pleading eyes as she beseeched me to proffer her daily treats.I considered my options carefully as I looked around to see if anyone was watching. Their wishes were clear, but what harm could *one* biscuit possibly do? What kind of barbaric monster would force their sweet dog to wear a sign around her neck prohibiting treats? How could I possibly be expected to withhold her daily Milk Bone? What had she done to deserve such barbaric treatment? And how many biscuits could I sneak to her without getting busted?Fortunately, my questions were soon answered by the arrival of her owner who graciously explained the reason for this seemingly abusive act. It turns out that the vineyard had been hosting their annual fall wine tasting all week long, and was providing the guests with salami, prosciutto, breads, and various types of gourmet cheeses to be paired with the wines. And in her role as official tasting room mascot, Maggie was allowed to circulate freely amongst the guests, who of course were rendered as powerless as I by her beseeching gaze. The result of their copious offerings of such rich meats and sharp cheeses upon her digestive system are best left to the imagination, and her humans were left with no alternative but to take drastic action in order to prevent Miss Maggie the Manipulative and Malodorous Moocher from rendering the tasting room uninhabitable.Fortunately for her, however, the feeding ban did NOT apply to ordinary dog biscuits, thus leaving me free to be the hero and ease her pangs of hunger on what turned out to be Quadruple Biscuit Friday. All was right with the world once again!By Scott Hodges.

ups-dogs: The Bandanna of Betrayal.The Shawl of Shame.The Horrible Hankie of Hunger.The Do-Rag of Dietary Deprivation and Despair.Upon m...

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srsfunny: A Sad But Common Story: Lou Ohio I need to get my life off my chest. About me. I'm a 46 year old banker and I have been living my whole life the opposite of how I wanted. All my dreams, my passion, gone. In a steady 9-7 job. 6 days a week. For 26 years. I repeatedly chose the safe path for everything, which eventually changed who I was. Today I found out my wife has been cheating on me for the last 10 years. My son feels nothing for me. I realised I missed my father's funeral FOR NOTHING. I didn't complete my novel, travelling the world, helping the homeless. All these things I thought I knew to be a certainty about myself when i was in my late teens and early twenties. If my younger self had met me today, I would have punched myself in the face. I'll get to how those dreams were crushed soon. Let's start with a description of me when I was 20. It seemed only yesterday when I was sure I was going to change the world. People loved me, and I loved people. I was innovative, creative, spontaneous, risk taking and great with people. I had two dreams. The first, was writing a utopic/dystopic book. The second, was travelling the world and helping the poor and homeless. I had been dating my wife for four years by then. Young love. She loved my spontaneity, my energy, my ability to make people laugh and feel loved. I knew my book was going to change the world I would show the perspective of the 'bad' and the twisted', showing my viewers that everybody thinks differently, that people never think what the do is wrong. I was 70 pages through when i was 20.I am still 70 pages in, at 46. By 20, I had backpacking around New Zealand and the Philippines. I planned to do all of Asia, then Europe, then America To date, I have only been to New Zealand and the Philippines. Now, we get to where it all went wrong. My biggest regrets. I was 20. I was the only child. I needed to be stable. I needed to take that graduate job, which would dictate my whole life. To devote my entire life in a 9-7 job. What was I thinking? How could I live when the job was my life? After coming home, I would eat dinner, prepare my work for the following day, and sleep at 10pm, to wake up at 6am the following day God, I can't remember the last time I've made love to my wife Yesterday, my wife admitted to cheating on me for the last 10 years. 10 years. That seems like a long time, but i can't comprehend it. It doesn't even hurt. She says it's because I've changed. I'm not the person l was. What have I been doing in the last 10 years? Outside of work, I really can't say anything. Not being a proper husband. Not being ME. Who am 1? What happened to me? I didn't even ask for a divorce, or yell at her, or cry. I felt NOTHING. Now I can feel a tear asl write this. But not because my wife has been cheating on me, but because I am now realising I have been dying inside. What happened to that fun-loving, risk taking, energetic person that was me, hungering to change the world? I remember being asked on a date by the most popular girl in the school, but declining her for my now-wife. God, I was really popular with the girls in high school. In university/college too. But i stayed loyal. I didn't explore. I studied every day Remember all that backpacking and book-writingI told you about? That was all in the first few years of college. I worked part-time and splurged all that I had earned. Now, I save every penny. I don't remember a time I spend anything on anything fun. On anything for myself. What do I even want now? My father passed ten years ago. I remember getting calls from mom, telling me he was getting sicker and sicker. I was getting busier and busier, on the verge of a big promotion. I kept putting my visit off, hoping in my mind he would hold on. He died, and I got my promotion. I haven't seen him in 15 years. When he died, I told myself it didn't matter what I didn't see him. I rationalized that being dead, it wouldn't matter anyway. WHAT WAS I THINKING? Rationalizing everything, making excuses to put things off. Excuses Procrastination. It all leads to one thing, nothing. I rationalized that financial security was the most important thingInow know, that it definitely is not. I regret doing nothing with my energy, when I had it. My passions. My youth. I regret letting my job take over my life. I regret being an awful husband, a money- making machine. I regret not finishing my novel, not travelling the world. Not being emotionally there for my son. Being a damn emotionless wallet. If you're reading this, and you have a whole life ahead of you, please. Don't procrastinate. Don't leave your dreams for later. Relish in your energy, your passions. Don't stay on the internet with all your spare time (unless your passion needs it). Please, do something with your life while you're young. DO NOT settle down at 20. DO NOT forget your friends, your family Yourself. Do NOT waste your life. Your ambitions. Like I did mine. Do not be like me srsfunny: A Sad But Common Story

srsfunny: A Sad But Common Story

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I was bready for this: 0,A 24% 5:15 Bread Saturday 938 PM I'm ready to get this bread U sure about that?? Oh yeah, I'm always ready for bread Do you like bread? I fucking love bread Do you like getting choked? Saturday 1116 PM Excuse me? Oh c'mon, you know the 'Let's get this bread' meme but not the "Do you like bread" meme? What a disappointment ....I'm unaware of that meme Follow up question: Will you come over tomorrow? Ahhhhh l've been enlightened If you're gonna be bread you've gotta go all the way, dig deep, and become the bread you were meant to be Saturday 11:43 PM You're right I was so unprepared It's all rye-te. You'll do breader next time Damn I need to step my bread game up If you don't improve soon people like me are going to show you up and you'll be toast Today 12:52 AM FRANK you're killing me Sorry, I'm just on a roll Bread? I really can't think of anything damn I made this account for fun now I feel inadequate Wow, usually it's the other people on tinder making me feel inadequate, this is s nice change of pace. There's no need to feel sourdough, cheer up! You're a fuckin baller frank I'm glad I could help Thanks, now I don't feel so pita-ful anymore I've been hitting you with these bread puns naan-stop I hope it hasn't been bothering you too much I fuckin love it how are you so damn clever Are you googling bread puns Nope, just coming up with them off of the top of my bread Marry me I don't think I'm bready for that kind of commitment yet... I appreciate the offer dough My heart is broken frank You're just moving a little too fast for me is all. If we just slow down and take our time I promise it'll be worth the wheat Today 1:58 AM I loaf you There you go, now you're getting it. Donut give up you're doing great Well, it's time for me to bake a nap, I can hit you with more bread puns after my yeast rises out of bed in the morning You bread my mind!! Today 4:49 PM Btw do you mind if I post this conversation to Breaddit and get some karma? Today 5:15 PM Dude go for it GIF Type a I was bready for this
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ao3tagoftheday: nyocanada15: ao3tagoftheday: infinty-forest: ao3tagoftheday: [Image Description: Tags reading “please use protection when doing the do, maybe also don’t have sex with murderers”] The AO3 Tag of the Day is: “Don’t have sex with murderers” is an important safe sex tip #mod ej#death#violence#wear condoms for fucks sake#and don’t have sex with murderers#I mean#if you insist on having sex with murderers#please wear a condom while doing so#or get the murderer to wear a condom#whichever is applicable#although fuck that internal condoms are a thing#and you personally are responsible for your sexual health#but even if condoms are involved#fucking murderers is still a bad idea#don’t do it#this has been an absurdist episode of#mod ej gives advice#submissionOP’s tags are always a gift. I just realized I left out a really important piece of information:Some murderers will try to persuade you to have sex with them. They may do this by murdering people while shirtless and listening to classical music. They may also describe the feeling of murdering someone in suspiciously sensual terms. Some murderers may tell you they are tortured by their inner demons and that only your love can keep them from continuing their bloody rampage. Do not be fooled! Do not have sex with them, even if they smile in a predatory yet irresistibly attractive way! You have a right to assert yourself in defense of your own sexual health! What the fuck MOD EJ Friend. What kind of blog do you think you’re following, my dude? Why the fuck would you think I’m sane, bro? I started an argument about corpses having casual sex. I looked up scientific articles about bat cunnilingus. I just finished making a shirt that says “Turtles Don’t Fuck.” I have no chill, buddy. I am not even in the vicinity of fucking around. When given the opportunity to be ridiculous, I don’t just take it, I grab it with both hands, shove it in my mouth, suck it till it comes down my throat, swallow, and then shit this bizarre fucking content right onto my keyboard and slam that motherfucking post button!So nyocanada15, my friend, my buddy. I don’t understand. Please explain this to me. Why is this gentle reminder to young people who might be manipulated into unsafe sexual behavior by murderers who can “see the darkness within them” or some shit like that—why is this your breaking point? Why is it only now that you stop and say “what the fuck mod ej”? Haven’t I earned that already!?: please use protection when doing the do, maybe also don't have sex with murderers ao3tagoftheday: nyocanada15: ao3tagoftheday: infinty-forest: ao3tagoftheday: [Image Description: Tags reading “please use protection when doing the do, maybe also don’t have sex with murderers”] The AO3 Tag of the Day is: “Don’t have sex with murderers” is an important safe sex tip #mod ej#death#violence#wear condoms for fucks sake#and don’t have sex with murderers#I mean#if you insist on having sex with murderers#please wear a condom while doing so#or get the murderer to wear a condom#whichever is applicable#although fuck that internal condoms are a thing#and you personally are responsible for your sexual health#but even if condoms are involved#fucking murderers is still a bad idea#don’t do it#this has been an absurdist episode of#mod ej gives advice#submissionOP’s tags are always a gift. I just realized I left out a really important piece of information:Some murderers will try to persuade you to have sex with them. They may do this by murdering people while shirtless and listening to classical music. They may also describe the feeling of murdering someone in suspiciously sensual terms. Some murderers may tell you they are tortured by their inner demons and that only your love can keep them from continuing their bloody rampage. Do not be fooled! Do not have sex with them, even if they smile in a predatory yet irresistibly attractive way! You have a right to assert yourself in defense of your own sexual health! What the fuck MOD EJ Friend. What kind of blog do you think you’re following, my dude? Why the fuck would you think I’m sane, bro? I started an argument about corpses having casual sex. I looked up scientific articles about bat cunnilingus. I just finished making a shirt that says “Turtles Don’t Fuck.” I have no chill, buddy. I am not even in the vicinity of fucking around. When given the opportunity to be ridiculous, I don’t just take it, I grab it with both hands, shove it in my mouth, suck it till it comes down my throat, swallow, and then shit this bizarre fucking content right onto my keyboard and slam that motherfucking post button!So nyocanada15, my friend, my buddy. I don’t understand. Please explain this to me. Why is this gentle reminder to young people who might be manipulated into unsafe sexual behavior by murderers who can “see the darkness within them” or some shit like that—why is this your breaking point? Why is it only now that you stop and say “what the fuck mod ej”? Haven’t I earned that already!?
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thegayalchemist: tommymitchell920: juptiers: maejemison: i read the “do kids really need love, simon” article and it sure is. bad imagine implying that gay kids don’t face internalized homophobia and struggle with coming out even if they have support systems and thinking that’s a hot take. wack Like….what? Imagine writing that article and thinking it was, like….good Who the fuck.? It seems that the author needs to be reminded that high schoolers don’t already have a degree in gender studies i guess racism ended with the civil rights movement and sexism ended when woman got the right to vote and homophobia ended when gay marriage was legal federally pack your bags there’s nothing left to solve! : But that's precisely the problem. Kids like Simon, in 2018, already have a good shot of fitting in. They don't need this movie. Will they look up from Netflix to notice that it has premiered? Love, Simon feels like a film responding to an entirely different culture, like one in which gay marriage was never legalized. That decision both acknowledged that equality for gays had won the day and opened the door for far more interesting and challenging fights, ones the next generation will lead. Movies that integrate those stories are ones worth anticipating with relish. Love, Simon, by contrast, simply feels like looking back in time thegayalchemist: tommymitchell920: juptiers: maejemison: i read the “do kids really need love, simon” article and it sure is. bad imagine implying that gay kids don’t face internalized homophobia and struggle with coming out even if they have support systems and thinking that’s a hot take. wack Like….what? Imagine writing that article and thinking it was, like….good Who the fuck.? It seems that the author needs to be reminded that high schoolers don’t already have a degree in gender studies i guess racism ended with the civil rights movement and sexism ended when woman got the right to vote and homophobia ended when gay marriage was legal federally pack your bags there’s nothing left to solve! 
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