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Dogs, Head, and Love: MACHINEDOGGERISM machinedoggerism: One last kiss. I love you like a broken pot. One last kiss. I love you like a pack of dogs. One last kiss. I need you like I need a gaping head wound.

machinedoggerism: One last kiss. I love you like a broken pot. One last kiss. I love you like a pack of dogs. One last kiss. I need you li...

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Dove, Funny, and Head: Language Why English is so hard to learn 11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid in his hospital bed. 12. There was a row among the oarsmen about who would row. 13. They were too close to the door to close it. 14. The buck does funny things when the does (females) are present. 15.A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line. 16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. 17.The wind was too strong to wind the sail around the mast. Marlene Davis YOU think English is easy? Check out the following. 1. The bandage was wound around the wound. 2. The farm was cultivated to produce produce. 3. The dump was so full that the workers had to refuse more refuse. 4. We must polish the Polish furniture shown at the store. 5. He could lead if he would get the lead out. 6. The soldier decided to desert his tasty dessert in the desert. 7. Since there is no time like the pres- ent, he thought it was time to present the present to his girlfriend. 8.A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. 9.When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. 10.1 did not object to the object which he showed me. 18. Upon seeing the tear in her painting she shed a tear. 19.I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. 20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend? Heteronyms These are brilliant. Homonyms or homographs are words of like spelling, but with more than one meaning and sound. When pronounced differently, they are known as heteronyms English is thoroughly tough

English is thoroughly tough

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Android, Community, and Iphone: Uncle G i o @GionniOnTheSpot A black man was offered $200 to beat up a black transgender woman. It was filmed & went viral one month ago Today, she was found dead from a gunshot wound Transphobia is NOT a joke. Hold your peers accountable Transphobia KILLED Muhlaysia Booker #ProtectBlackTransWomen 4:47 PM May 19, 2019 Twitter for iPhone 17.4K Likes 8.9K Retweets Uncle G i o @GionniOnTheSpot Three black transgender women have been murdered with days of each other. I'm sick. But will continue to fight for: Muhlaysia Booker Claire Legato Michelle Simone Rest in power sistahs #TransRightsAreHumanRights #TransisBeautiful #ProtectBlackTransWomen 8:14 AM May 20, 2019 Twitter for Android Uncle G i o @GionniOnTheSpot Update via @HRC hrc.org/blog/hrc- mourn Simone's death comes just a day after Muhlaysia Booker was fatally shot in Dallas and less than a week after Claire Legato died in Cleveland after being shot. It is the fifth known case of deadly violence against the transgender community in 2019, all of whom were Black transgender women. Last year, advocates tracked the deaths of at least 26 transgender people. 4:35 PM May 20, 2019 Twitter for iPhone between-stars-and-waves: thatpettyblackgirl: Source https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/05/20/transgender-woman-muhlaysia-booker-shot-dead-dallas/ Black trans lives matter.

between-stars-and-waves: thatpettyblackgirl: Source https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2019/05/20/transgender-woman-muhlaysia-booker-shot-dead-d...

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College, Crime, and Fake: coolhotdad my perfect crime? I memorize the entirety of the macy's store inventory. I then go on aliexpress.com and find exact replicas of every single purse in the store. I break in at 3am, and replace every purse with a cheaper version of the purse. I take my real purses home and open up an online store on the darknet featuring fake purses. I then sell these real purses as fake purses, making it so that when the feds catch on to my antics, they spend countless years trying to figure out who can replicate purses this well, and who is selling them. Soon an entire division of the FBI is dedicated to finding me and figuring out how my "fake" purses appear to be real. 45 years later they finally trace my ip address and break into my villa in texas and shoot me right in the leg when i attempt to flee. While this would normally not be a fatal wound, due to my constant devotion to my online fake real purse storefront i have suffered an iron deficiency for 35 years. My blood can't clot and I start to bleed out. Turns out the woman who shot me was a girl who i made out with once in college, and she holds my dying body in her arms and asks me how my fake purses were so real. I spend the last moments of my fleeting life telling her about how every five years i break into a different Macy's and replace all the purses, and that the purses I have been selling online for a severely discounted price were actually all real, and I have been doing this purely for the gag of it all. When my former college girlfriend gets home from work after rightfully murdering me for my crimes, she goes into her walk in closet, looks at the 13 gucci purses she owns, and realizes that they're all fakes. Source: coolhotdad A crime requiring purse-istence

A crime requiring purse-istence

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Tumblr, Ugly, and Bears: When my brother was born in 1985, my mother purchased two identical teddy bears. The one on the left has been my brother's for 30 years, the one on the right has been kept in storage for my brother's first child who was born today... noitsbecks: breanieswordvomit: foulmouthedliberty: srsfunny: Two Teddy Bears, Many Years Later “Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.’‘Does it hurt?’ asked the Rabbit. ‘Sometimes,’ said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. ‘When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.’ ‘Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,’ he asked, ‘or bit by bit?’ ‘It doesn’t happen all at once,’ said the Skin Horse. ‘You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”― Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit ugly sobbing  @upon-your-eyes

noitsbecks: breanieswordvomit: foulmouthedliberty: srsfunny: Two Teddy Bears, Many Years Later “Real isn’t how you are made,’ said the S...

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Advice, Apparently, and Basketball: envyadams today at work i let someone into a dressing room and they said thanks" and half of me tried to say "you're welcome" and the other half tried to say "no problem and i ended up saying 'your problem ea this post had me in tears I was hoping the notes would be full of similar stories, but they're not, so I'll add my story for anyone else looking for more laughs I had to go to a library to pay a fee and I was practicing in the car between "I have to pay a fine and " have to pay a fee" and I walked in and firmly stated "I have to pee and slapped a five dollar bill on the counter (the fee was like ten cents) and walked out. This was like three years ago and I still haven't been back My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnof so I tried to say "quick and "tast at the same time and I ended up screaming "QUACK which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn Recently someone in class asked me how I was doing and I started off saying I was good but switched to I'm okay in the middle and ended up saying "I'm gay. Which, while kind of accurate, was not what I meant to announce to my classmate This Halloween I was handing out candy and a child said "trick or treat and I smiled gave them their candy and apparently my mouth betrayed me and I said "Merry Christmas" and proceeded to sit down and look up to the sky for answers while their mother laughed at me I was switching between Bye Deanna and "Goodbye and I ended up saying "Go Die Sometimes I try to say "I fucking love you but it comes out in the wrong order and then everyone's uncomfortable. When I first started my coffee shop job, I was still getting used to greeting customers as they came in the door. A man walked in, and in the jumble of trying to say, "How are you doing? and "What's up? I ended up demanding "What are you doing here? something really cool happened once at the office and i started to say "im so amazed but halfway through my mind changed to "that's really amazing and i just ended up saying "Tm really so amazing one time i was out in the woods in the spring when the birds were just beginning to come out again and i went to say "Tm so pumped for the birds" and "Tm so hyped for the birds and instead i said "I'm so humped for birds Once I was walking to school and there was a guy walking his dog and the dog came to me and started sniming me and I was in such a good mood and when I passed by his owner I wanted to say like 'hello" or 'good morning" or "cute dog" or something like that and I ended up looking up at him, smiling real big, and saying thank you I was at the convenience store and I was going to buy a drink, but dropped my keys and the drink when I got to the register so I got caught between "my drink "MY KINK and my keys and ended up screaming I walked up to this register.in a target. When the cashier finished checking me out she said have a good day, andi wanted to say You have a good day" and "You too" so it came out You have a good do do I FUCKIN H HIT MY HEAD ON A CHAIR FROM LAUGHING TOO HARD AT THIS FUCKING POS T This post is too good. I once tried to say have a nice day or have a good day to a customer and said 'Have a nude gay!. Still haven't recovered. OOC: i get really used to working nights or days at my work so i'm oftern jumbled between 'have a nice night and have a good day" so often it comes out as "have a nice neigh" or "have a good date" or occasionally even "have a night die" When I interviewed for my lab position I tried to ask how much I would have to handle the mice and rats but I was nervous so I actually said rice and mats" instead At DnD my friends and I were eating snacks, like you do. We had some chips and some beef jerky and some other stu Now one of my friends is a vegetarian, and he was steering clear of most of the meat products Out of the corner of my eye I see my other pal offer him a bag of what I ASSUMED was jerky since that's what they were eating before- As I turned to stop him from eating "meat- what I started to say was "oh no" but finished with "no don't INSTEAD i wound up screaming "ODIN and crushing the harmless chip in my friends hand A friend who worked in retail once told me that their manager wanted them to respond to a thank you with It's my pleasure and said "You're my pleasurel instead of "You're welcome" and my friend messed it up When I was sixteen, I was a lifeguard at the YMCA and you could shortcut through the pool to get to the basketball court. A lot of hyped up kids would pass through and run on the slippery tile, so l'd have to tell them to stop. Once, I was about to yell, "DONT RUN," and tried to change it to "WALK" at the last second but I ended up just bellowing "RUNI at a couple of preteens who did in fact, make for the door like they were in a horror movie. kellyoxenfree Source: archive95205 Found this old thread with new stories in it. I hope people keep adding more.advice-animal.tumblr.com
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Bad, Fire, and Head: REASONS FOR ADMISSION 1864 TO 1889 INTEMPERANCE & BUSINESS TROUBLE KICKED IN THE HEAD BY A HORSE HEREDITARY PREDISPOSITION ILL TREATMENT BY HUSBAND IMAGINARY FEMALE TROUBLE HYSTERIA IMMORAL LIFE IMPRISONMENT JEALOUSY AND RELIGION LAZINESS MARRIAGE OF SON MASTURBATION & SYPHILIS MASTURBATION FOR 30 YEARS MEDICINE TO PREVENT CONCEPTION MENSTRUAL DERANGED DISSOLUTE HABITS DOMESTIC AFFLICTION DOMESTIC TROUBLE DROPSY EGOTISM EPILEPTIC FITS EXCESSIVE SEXUAL ABUSE EXCITEMENT AS OFFICER EXPOSURE AND HEREDITARY EXPOSURE AND QUACKERY EXPOSURE IN ARMY FEVER AND JEALOUSY FIGHTING FIRE SUPPRESSED MASTURBATION SUPPRESSION OF MENSES THE WAR TIME OF LIFE UTERINE DERANGEMENT VENEREAL EXCESSES VICIOUS VICES WOMEN TROUBLE SUPERSTITION SHOOTING OF DAUGHTER SMALL POX SNUFF EATING FOR 2 YEARS SPINAL IRRITATION GATHERING IN THE HEAD GREEDINESS GRIEF GUNSHOT WOUND HARD STUDY RUMOR OF HUSBAND MURDER SALVATION ARMY SCARLATINA SEDUCTION & DISAPPOINTMENT SELF ABUSE SEXUAL ABUSE & STIMULANTS SEXUAL DERANGEMENT FALSE CONFINEMENT FEEBLENESS OF INTELLECT FELL FROM HORSE IN WAR FEMALE DISEASE DISSIPATION OF NERVES AC EACT NOVEL READING OPIUM HABIT OVER ACTION OF THE MIND OVER STUDY OF RELIGION OVER TAXING MENTAL POWERS PARENTS WERE COUSINS PERIODICAL FITS TOBACCO & MASTURBATION POLITICAL EXCITEMENT POLITICS RELIGIOUS ENTHUSIASM FEVER AND LOSS OF LAW SUIT FITS AND DESERTION OF HUSBAND ASTHMA BAD COMPANY BAD HABITS & POLITICAL EXCITEMENT BAD WHISKEY BLOODY FLUX BRAIN FEVER BUSINESS NERVES CARBONIC ACID GAS CONGESTION OF BRAIN DEATH OF SONS IN WAR DECOYED INTO THE ARMY DERANGED MASTURBATION DESERTION BY HUSBAND intp-fuck-up: phanintheafternoon: phanintheafternoon:List of reasons for admission into a mental asylum in 1864-1889 tag yourself i’m seduction & disappointment over action of the mind Immoral life
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